1 Jokes
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What do you call a women with 1 leg?
ilene
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Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?
Because only the top 1% can stay above water.
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How much horsepower does a mustang have?
1
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Why were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
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How many times does 1 go into 0?
As Many Times As It Wants!
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What's worse than 1 slice of burnt toast?
The holocaust.
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Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was
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What is a dog's favourite sport ?
Formula 1 drooling !
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What all girls want?
All girls want 70 things in their life 1. Shopping Rest are "69"
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What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?
1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired
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What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
1 US Leader.
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What is long and hard on a Newfie?
Grade 1.
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What has 3 arms, 1 hat, 2 shirts, 1 jacket, 1 scarf, 1 gun, and 4 ears?
The Tchernobyl cowboy.
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How many dubstep fans does it take to clean a shower?
100. 1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.
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How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb??
Just 1...blondes will screw anything.
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2? 1... or 2?
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How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
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How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?
Just 1...blondes will screw anything.
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What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ?
It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture of Jesus Christ
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Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?
I thought he didn't care about the 1%
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Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine?
Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions
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What's the deal with airline food?
Buy 2 get 1 free
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Why is Xbox 360's successor called Xbox One and not Xbox 720?
Cos 720 is 1
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb 2 to turn the ladder and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why was 1 all salty?
Someone told him it was 2's day.
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What is worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
1 baby nailed to 10 trees Sure, oldest one in the book but whatever lets hear what you got gang
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Why were episodes 4, 5, 6 made before 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge Yoda was.
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How to tell if you're wearing too much Axe: 1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good. Yes- That's too much.
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What's joke #1?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?
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What the problem?
Man 1: *Sighs* " I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole "
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You-- 10YO: Seriously Why would you drag me into that
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What did Picard say to Riker when the knitting machine wouldn't print single digits?
Make it sew number 1!
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How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?
not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7
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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
An envelope!
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What's the difference between a 3 figure and a 4-figure suit?
1 figure, literally and figuratively.
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How do you make a dead dog shake?
2 scoops ice cream, 1 scoop dead dog.
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What is the number 1 activity to do in Syria on Trip Advisor?
Leave.
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How many /r/twoxchromosomes posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and the other 9 to provide emotional support.
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How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
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Why did the vulture fly United Airlines?
Because they allow 1 free carrion
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How much is the bare minimum?
1 bear.
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What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd?
1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation
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Whats worse than 10 babies nailed to 1 tree?
1 baby nailed to 10 trees.
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What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb ?
1 or 2 ? 1... or 2...
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How many pollocks does it take to paint a house?
1 to hold the brush and 1000 to turn the house!
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What do you call the 1 yard line at the Super Bowl?
A running play - Obviously...
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How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
11. 1 to change the lightbulb & 10 to take 200 photos of it & clog my newsfeed.
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How's the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator
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How do you call 4 blacks in a car falling off the cliff?
A waste. You could fit 1 more in the trunk.
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How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
100; 1 to do it, and 99 to say "I could do that."
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What kind of milk do the wealthiest people in the world give to their children?
1%
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How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb??
Just 1...blondes will screw anything.
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What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy?
A family friend paying a visit.
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How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian?
Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
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Why does Euler's Number say it's "going number 2" when it pees?
Because its natural log is 1. I'll show myself out now.
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What's the definition of a 68?
That's when you blow me and I owe you 1.
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What kind of milk does Mitt Romney drink?
1%
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How many SJW's does it take to fix a lightbulb?
100. 100 who complain about the lightbulb oppressing them, and 1 man to actually do it.
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What's the difference between a mouse and a rat?
A: 1 has a less likely chance of survival in the dog pound
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How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?
fixed) 100. 1 to change it and 99 to stand around and complain about how they coulda done a better job.
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How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
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Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?
Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
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What's worse than having 10 dead babies stapled to one tree?
1 dead baby stapled to 10 trees.
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Why is 1 disapproving of 6?
That one doesn't believe in six before marriage.
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Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
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What's the integral of 1/(cabin)?
1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.
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What does that clock say at 1 o'clock night?
1 AM feeling very sleepy.
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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It takes 1 to screw it in, and 99 to tweet about it.
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What does 1+1=?
Window.
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What do you need 4 dollars for?
3's enough. Here's 2." and gives him 1.
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What is worse than finding 100 dead babies in a trash bin?
Finding 1 dead Baby in 100 trash bins.
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Why is Jeopardy the #1 show in the U.S.?
Because Michael Douglas starred in "Double Jeopardy" in 1999.
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What the hell?
Why are you skipping numbers girl 1: Because I can't even!!!
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What do you call a man with a flamethrower?
2. What do you call his first victim 3. What do you call his second victim 1. Bernie 2. Crispin 3. Ash
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What's the best thing about being a meth head?
1 sleep until Christmas.
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What's worse than 10 dead babies in a dumpster?
1 dead baby in 10 dumpsters
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What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
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How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was
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How many black metalheads does it take to change a light bulb?
100. 1 to change the light bulb and the other 99 to complain about how the old light bulb was much better.
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How do you make a baby float?
2 scoops ice cream 1 scoop dead baby
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What would be different if men got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
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What do you call 3 Puerto Ricans, 1 Chinese Man, and 4 black guys?
A water sprinkler.
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids.
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What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys?
PGA Tour.
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What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by a court of black people?
The NBA.
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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins
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How many black people does it take to start a riot?
1
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How do you find a British person in a crowd?
1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.
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What's the difference between a sperm and a racist?
A sperm as a 1 in a million chance of actually becoming a human being.
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How many SEC football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. And they get 3 credits for it.
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Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of salsa?
2 gals 1 cup(http://www.reddit.com/r/Canning/comments/yyhsp/my20triptothelocallatinmarketnetted165/)
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What is better than 10 dead babies in a trashcan?
1 dead baby in 10 trashcans.
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Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team Me: Isn't 1 in diet either. Her: Yes there.. Me: I'm too hungry for your mindgames!
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What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?
A huge mess.
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How many maple leafs does it take to change a tire?
Only 1, unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up
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What time is it when twenty dogs and one cat get together?
20 after 1.
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Why are men better cooks?
They only need 2 eggs n 1 sausage to keep a girl full for 9 months
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How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was
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What's the #1 song in Ukraine?
Crimea River
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What do politicians and sperm have in common?
About 1 in every 600 million has a chance of becoming a human.
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What value is higher than infinity?
Infinity plus 1. I'm sorry.
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What does a 1 eyed, 1 legged, and deaf kid get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What did 1 lesbian bullfrog say to the other lesbian bullfrog?
They're right we do taste like chicken!
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What is Khaleds fav number?
11 because it has another 1
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Why did they release Star Wars 4, 5 & 6 before 1, 2 & 3?
Because off sequence, Yoda was.
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How many beans are in Irish Chili?
239, because if there was 1 more it would be "Too Farty".
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Why are families only allowed 1 child in China?
The government is opposed to euthanasia.
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How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but we weren't able to get the work done in 1 term because we inherited a really bad situation from the prior administration.
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What's Terrance Howard's favorite Radiohead song?
1 x 1 = 2) + 2 = 5"
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How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses Me: Almost 1.
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Why did the mathematician get an F on his English quiz?
He wrote, "i is the square root of negative 1."
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Why isn't Half-Life 3 coming out?
Because 2 Half-Lives = 1 whole life.
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What's the craic?
2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.
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Why was Hillary thrown out of a restaurant?
She trashed the bill. Alt punch line 1 (u/Causative): She demanded her own private server and tried to have her meals removed.
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What are the three kinds of women's cancer?
1. Breast Cancer 2. Ovarian Cancer 3. Feminism
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What is a horses number 1 priority when voting?
A stable economy
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 to hold the bulb in place and 100 to spin the house around it.
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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What are a mathematician's five favourite numbers?
0, 1, e, pi.
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What is a hurricane's favorite pet?
Anywhere from 1 to 5 cats
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What is a pirates least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading. Thank you, and have a nice day.
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What do a trickster and a multiplicative inverse function have in common?
They both want to pull 1 over on you.
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Why Do Sorority Girls Travel In Packs Of 1, 3, 5 or 7?
Because they can't even.
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What is DJ Khaled's favorite number?
11 Because it has another 1
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What's the worst part about working with a gamer?
They're always trying to 1-Up you.
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How many Arabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.. 2.. 3.. BOOM
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How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb?
14,000. 1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.
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What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
A 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.
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What instant coffee and Sasha Grey have in common?
3 in 1
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What's DJ Khaled's favourite number?
11, Because it has another 1.
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What weebles and wobbles but can't get up?
Grandpa having a seizure. Bonus: Statistically speaking, 1 in 5 adult men
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How does Microsoft count to 10?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, ME, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.
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How many Arabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.. 2.. 3.. BOOM
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How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'?
1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP... Iwillseemyselfout
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Who's that?
Darth Vader." "Was he 1 of Jesus disciples " "I dunno, I've only seen the 1st movie."
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How many Anime characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 1, but it takes them 15 episodes to do it.
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Why did the Irish woman only put 239 beans into her bean soup?
Because 1 more would have been 240...
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What is up with 1, 3, 5, 7, 9?
I can't even...
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How much does 1 drop of gas cost me?
The boy stumbles: "Well euhm ... nothing I guess." "Thanks, I'll have 2 million drops then"
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What did number 2 say to number 1?
you're an odd fellow
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
1 in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What is WRONG with you?
Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let's see... ok... carry the 1... um... That would be everything
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How many babies does it take to make light?
99, 98 get in a pile while 1 grabs a match and lighter fluid.
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How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?
He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...
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How many redditors it takes to change a lightbulb?
OC It only takes 1. But another 999 to repost this 100% original joke. I made this.
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What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?
It only took 1 nail to hang the picture.
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How many French horn players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100, 1 to screw it in and 99 to say how they could do it better.
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What do we call this war?
The World War " "No. There's already been 1 of those" "Uh this is a world war, too" *the streetlights explode*
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What's the favorite dairy product of Wall Street executives?
1% milk
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How many blacks does it take to start a riot?
1
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Why should I date you?
Girl - Give me 1 good reason, why I should date you? Guy - I'll give you 69.
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Why did 9 bust 1?
Because 6 8 9
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How many Anime characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 1, but it takes them 15 episodes to do it.
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What has got 8 legs and 1 eye?
2 chairs and a half of a fish.
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How many gears does a French Tank have?
5. 4 reverse and 1 forward for parades.
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How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"
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How to have an unforgettable date?
1. Have a date. 2. Try not to forget it.
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What has 1 hand, 3 legs, 6 feet, and 2 heads?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
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What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?
Remove only the top 1% please.
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How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers
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How much power does a hearse have?
1 corpsepower
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How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1
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How do i know you're not 1 of them?
Were you bit ! What ! Do you not know what a hurricane is
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What's worse than 5 dead babies in 1 trash can?
1 dead baby in 5 trash cans
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Why is the pH of a white girl either 9, 11 or 13?
1. She's basic. 2. She literally can't even.
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What do sperm and politicians have in common?
About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.
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What type of milk does Bernie Sanders drink?
Whole milk because he cares about all the milk and not just the top 1% milk!
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Why is DJ Khaled's favorite number 11?
Cuz it has another 1
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What did the number 1 say to (pi)?
Let's get rational you can't carry on like this!
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How many black metalheads does it take to change a light bulb?
100. 1 to change the light bulb and the other 99 to complain about how the old light bulb was much better.
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When does 1+1=3?
When you don't use a condom.
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Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes 1 nail to hang the painting.
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How is credit like cocaine?
Everyone just needs 1 more line.
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What is the number 1 rule at a computer bar?
Always tip your server.
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What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pit bull.
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How many Persona fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. 1 to screw it in, and 1 to complain that it's not dark enough.
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What's the #1 horror movie in the far east ?
The Sirens of the Rams.
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How many mm3 of dirt is there in a hole 1m x 1m x 1m?
There is no dirt in the hole!
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How many rudeboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twenty. 1 to drop it, 19 to go "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up".
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What do 1% of racist people do?
They are making clubs like the KKK The other 99% are hidden here making bad jokes
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What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
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What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party?
I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.
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How does Rudy Giuliani count to 10?
He doesn't he skips 1-8 and says 9-11 ten times.
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How many Mexicans does it take to wax a car?
1 if you hit him just right
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Where is the best place for a 1-legged waitress to work?
IHOP
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What did 0 say to 1?
You're turning me on!
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What did 1 volcano say to another volcano?
That ash.
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How long is a 0 or 1?
Just a little bit.
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What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?
A full set of teeth
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Why does Bernie Sanders only drink skim milk?
He can't stand the 1%