2 Jokes
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What's with people thinking white people shoot up schools?
I'm white and I have only shot up like 2 schools.
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How do you tell 2 Scotsmen apart?
You lift their kilts, and whichever one of them has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!
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What kind of bird does 2 Chainz own?
Toucan
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Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants?
Incase he gets a hole in one
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What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
A: Ok you 2 dont start anything
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Why were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
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What did the mexican fireman name his 2 children?
Jose and Hose B
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When is a 2 literally a 6?
When it has metaphor.
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How much wine can a cat drink?
2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat
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What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd?
1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation
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What's the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?
Person 2: A log cabin! Person 1: No, a houseboat. You forgot to add the C!!
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What do you call 2 horses side by side in a stable?
Neigh-bours.
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Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men?
He thought they were a delivery service
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Why don't the French need air conditioner?
They use 2-in-1 shampoo
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Why use 2 A's in the name Aaron?
Why not 17 What's stopping us
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How many homeless guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2, but I have no idea how you're gonna fit both of them inside a lightbulb.
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How does Avis feel to be #2?
It Hertz
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What is the difference between a 5 and a 2?
3
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What has 4 legs and a trunk?
The 2 nigerians that stole my trunk
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Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader?
Because there's only 2 factors involved.
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Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of salsa?
2 gals 1 cup(http://www.reddit.com/r/Canning/comments/yyhsp/my20triptothelocallatinmarketnetted165/)
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Why did the 2 stem cell researchers get a divorce?
Because they grew a part.
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What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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How do you manage to stay in shape?
Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."
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What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
Snoop Dogg.
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Why is the pH of a white girl either 9, 11 or 13?
1. She's basic. 2. She literally can't even.
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How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?
not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7
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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day) Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Your mom
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What do you call 2 polar bears jerking each other off?
Bi-polar
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Why do people love their smartphones so much?
Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)
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Who is it?
Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.
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How do you spell "candy" with only 2 letters?
and
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Why does Euler's Number say it's "going number 2" when it pees?
Because its natural log is 1. I'll show myself out now.
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What do you need 4 dollars for?
3's enough. Here's 2." and gives him 1.
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, I already told her twice.
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What does 2 electrons say when the meet each other ?
Hey, watt's up ?
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Whats black, white and red all over?
2 nuns in a chainsaw fight!
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How does Microsoft count to 10?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, ME, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.
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Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was
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What do you call an essay in a flash drive???
who wants 2 try?
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What do these 2 have in common What does your mum and a politician have in common?
When they scream they make no sense
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What has 4 legs, 2 grey and 2 brown?
an elephant with diarrhea
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What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders....
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What did 2 say to 3 about 6?
Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!
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What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean Beef
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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.
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How many hillbillies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2. A man, his wife, and his cousin
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How do you know when you are a drug addict?
when you realize that you have had 2 strepsils within one hour.
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How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2...and don't ask me how they got in there. (My 87 year old grandma just told me this one)
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What do you call a person who knows 3 languages?
Trilingual. What do you call a person who knows 2 languages Bilingual. What do you call a person who knows only one language American.
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Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
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What has 2 legs but can not walk?
A cripple.
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How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers
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What do you get if 2 black men sleep in a sleeping bag?
A twix bar
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What did you think of the chapter on frogs?
Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.
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What 2 books do white American boys enjoy reading on their way to school?
The Catcher in the Rye and Cooking For Dummies.
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Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?
Because there used to be 2 of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
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What do you call 2 doctors walking together?
Pair-o-Medics
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What is the hottest time of day?
2:flirty
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Why are men better cooks?
They only need 2 eggs n 1 sausage to keep a girl full for 9 months
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What's the craic?
2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.
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What is 1 + 1"?
The mathematician says "2" The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1" The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".
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What do you call 2 algebraists who marry?
Prime mates
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How do you make a ghoul float?
1 cup of root beer, 2 scoops of ghoul.
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Why do the Lanisters have such big beds?
Because they push 2 twins together to make a king.
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Wheree did the king keep his armies?
IN HIS SLEEVIES LOL xp cuz it's like armies like babi talk for arms instead of an armie like a bunch of dudes w/ issues w/ theer masculinity np, glad i cud explain dis 2 u
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Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?
Because they really wanted a third's eye view!
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What are the 2 rules of success?
No1 : Don't tell everything you know.
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What does toilet paper and office paper have in common?
You can write on both of them with a No. 2
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What's 1+1?
2
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What do you call 2 White Girls + A Starbucks?
Basic Math
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Why are Americans so bad at chess?
Because they don't have 2 towers.
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What kind of fish is made of only two sodium molecules?
2 na
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How do you make a hippopotamus float?
2 hippos and a LOT of root beer.
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How many fingers does the dragonborn have?
8 fingers and 2 Thu"ums... Unless the dragonborn only has a Haafingar
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Why can't New Yorkers play chess?
They're short 2 towers.
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What do you call 2 Nuns & a Cheerleader?
2 Tightends & a Wide Reciever
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What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?
I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...
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Why is does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it'd be called a chicken sedan. (better if saying it out loud because of the spelling of coop/coupe) -
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What do you call 2 Nuns & a Cheerleader?
2 Tightends & a Wide Reciever
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How's the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator
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How many Arabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.. 2.. 3.. BOOM
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What are 2 girl chickens that fall in love?
A. Lesbi-hens
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What do you call a Blonde in the dirt?
Her name was Cindy she had a husband and 2 children
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Why are there 2 doors on a chicken coupe?
Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
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How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
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Why are the Harry Potter films unrealisitc?
A: A ginger kid has 2 friends!
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What were the 2 doctors who worked with Schrodinger called?
A *paradox.*
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What did the chemist say when hr found 2 isotopes of helium?
HeHe
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Why did the Dictator ban Soda?
Because there couldnt be 2-liters.
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What did the mexican say when the 2 houses fell on him?
Get off me holmes!
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What has 3 heads, 2 legs, and 4 arms?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
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Why does John Cena set his alarm at 1:59?
So he can kick out at 2.
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How is 2+2=5 like your left foot?
It's not right.
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What's the rule for Twitter crushes?
So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
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How did 3 know 4 was a Ballerina?
He had a 2-2.
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What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good. Pupil: Good that's perfect!
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What has 2 legs but doesn't use them?
A man named Bob running down a train track (only Asians will understand)
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Why do chicken coops have only 2 doors?
If they had 4, it would be a chicken sedan!
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How do you make a baby float?
2 scoops ice cream 1 scoop dead baby
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Why does AMD call having 2 or more cards Crossfire?
Because no matter what card you cross, and how many, you're bound to start a fire.
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What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships?
He wanted 2 hit singles
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What did the mathematician say while golfing?
2 squared!
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Why did Josh Gordon marry Mary Jane?
So he'd only get a 2 game suspension for abusing her.
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What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?
1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired
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What is the rapper's favorite bread?
2 Grainz
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What did the spectator say when the magician transformed Dracula into 2?
Miraculous. Edited: tough crowd
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How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
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Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken Sedan.
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What would Bart Simpson's first Steam game be?
D'oh-ta 2
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What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft?
200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump 2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa (Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)
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How to have an unforgettable date?
1. Have a date. 2. Try not to forget it.
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What did the mexican fire chief call his 2 sons?
Hose A and hose B (read it out loud)
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What do you call a girl in between 2 houses?
Alane
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Why wasn't there a Captain America movie tie in videogame?
Because every time one bug was fixed, 2 more appeared.
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Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?
They only had 2 vans
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What did Noah tell his son while they were fishing?
Better get this right, I only have 2 worms.
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What happens when 2 meets 3 at Times Square?
36
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Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
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What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.
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What has 2 heads and six legs?
Nirvana
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Why was 7 arrested for homicide?
Because somebody divided 14 into 2 and he was the prime suspect
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What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb ?
1 or 2 ? 1... or 2...
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Why is Batman so jealous of Superman?
Because he has 3 dead parents and Bruce only has 2
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What did the two rednecks say after breaking up?
Let's just be cousins.
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What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat
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What has 2 wings and a halo?
Did you say angel WRONG! Its a chinese phone. *Wing Wing* "Halo "
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What would you use to write down a description of the dump you just took?
A No. 2 pencil.
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Why does VALVE end with 2?
Because they can't count to
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How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. 1 to screw it in and 2 to talk about how much better Neil Peart could've done it
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What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea...
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How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 but how they got in the light bulb I will never know
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How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?
He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...
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How do 2 psychics greet each other?
Hello, how am I " "You're fine, how am I "
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What do you call 2 black people on a bunk bed?
An Oreo
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What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
Bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks only 1 language? American.
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Why is Hillary spelled with 2 L's?
One for 2008 and one for 2016.
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What are the three kinds of women's cancer?
1. Breast Cancer 2. Ovarian Cancer 3. Feminism
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What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?
A huge mess.
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What did the 2 say to the 3?
Do you even, bro?
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How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'?
1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP... Iwillseemyselfout
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What's mostly red and has 2 legs?
Half of a cat.
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Why should you always bring 2 pair of trousers when golfing?
In case you get a hole in one.
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How many Arabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.. 2.. 3.. BOOM
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What's a sheep's favourite band?
Ewe 2
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What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing?
Sardar 2: Don't worry, I have one more.
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Why do most movie sequels stink?
Because movie makers are basically doing a number 2.
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What's the difference between a baby and a politician?
Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.
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Why do most chicken coups have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, it'd be considered a chicken sedan!
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What do women and the square root of 2 have in common?
They're both irrational.
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What do you call a 2 legged dog who always ignore your calls?
Your ex!
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How many stormtroopers does it take to change a glowpanel?
2. One to change it, and another to shoot him and take the credit.
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What do you call rice on 2 legs?
Pi Ok, I'm leaving now.
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What's Terrance Howard's favorite Radiohead song?
1 x 1 = 2) + 2 = 5"
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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2? 1... or 2?
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Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn't you 2: I'm too busy.
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What are the 3 rings involved in marriage?
1) The engagement ring 2) The wedding ring 3) The suffering
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Who is your most disgruntled employee?
and "2: Does he have access to a mask shop "
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How do you make a dead dog shake?
2 scoops ice cream, 1 scoop dead dog.
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What did the chemist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
HeHe
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What's a Native's 2 favourite colours?
Blue and Blue Light.
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What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
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Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles?
He always gets stuck on 2 Across.
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What kind of fish is made of just two atoms?
2 Na
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What do you call 2 White Russians and a Jager bomb?
A Boston Marathon.
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What do you call 2 medics?
paramedics
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What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.
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What's worse than dropping a scope of ice cream?
Dropping 2 scoops of ice cream. What's worse than dropping 2 scoops of ice cream? Getting a hand chopped off. What's worse than getting a hand chopped off? Getting both hands chopped off. What's worse than getting both hands chopped off? The Holocaust. What's worse than the Holocaust? Dropping 3 scoops of ice cream.
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What do you call 2 lambs dating?
A relationSHEEP.
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How do you answer the door Mathematically?
Door: "What is 2+2 " Me: "4" Door: "Cool!"
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How are a full count in baseball and a mutated 2 time convict the same?
They both have 3 balls and 2 strikes.
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What kind of country has a clown problem?
The same one that has 2 clowns running for president!
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Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament?
Because they lost their 2 best shooters
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans!
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Why were the 2 in love melons upset?
Because they cantaloupe. (The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)
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Who's coca colas favourite rapper?
2-pop
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Why did Sara fall off the swing?
2.Knock Knock 1.She didn't have any arms!! 2. Who's there NOT SARA!!
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What do you call 2 guys hanging on the wall around a window?
Kurt and Rod.
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What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux
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What 2 things do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
They both ate honey and they both have the same middle name.
-
What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high
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Why is taking spanish 2 so awesome?
You get a lot of puse.
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What is a Ninja's favorite beverage?
Karatea From Fargo Ep. 2
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Why is 2 dimensional soda not popular?
Because it's always flat.
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How much for 2 children?
She replied, "$9.50." "Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip "
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids.
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What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a cat.
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Who r they 2 stop u?
Boy: My wife & 2 kids.
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How's the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ...
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What are three 2 letter words meaning small?
Is it in
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What has 3 arms, 1 hat, 2 shirts, 1 jacket, 1 scarf, 1 gun, and 4 ears?
The Tchernobyl cowboy.
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What do you call 2 crackers arguing?
White noise.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
It was 2 tired...
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What did the 2 oceans say to each other?
Nothing. They just waved.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?
Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."
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Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?
If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop
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What is a oreo?
2 gang members smashing a white boys face.
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What kind of pizza did they order on nine eleven?
2 large planes
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What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?
Fred and George Weasley.
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What do you call a white guy with 2 black guys in the back of the car?
The police. What do you call a black guy with 2 white guys in the back of the car Uber!
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of Helium?
HeHe
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What did number 2 say to number 1?
you're an odd fellow
-
How many r/jokes redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer is 2. One to change the lightbulb while the other screams "REPOST"
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Why couldn't 5 stop drinking?
Because it was 2 turnt up
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What have 70 teeths and 2 eyes?
An alligator. Now what have 2 teeths and 70 eyes -A retirement home.
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Why were the people in the Twin Towers disappointed on 9/11?
They ordered 2 pepperoni pizzas, but all they got were 2 large plains.
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What do a Pediatrician and Podiatrist have in common?
Their patients are 2'
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Why isn't Half-Life 3 coming out?
Because 2 Half-Lives = 1 whole life.
-
How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
-
Why were there 600 Mexicans at the Alamo?
They only had 2 cars.
-
How many ants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two, but you've got to wonder how they climbed up there!
-
What's your thoughts on renewable energy?
2: I'm a big fan.
-
What's the answer for question #2?
2.B or not 2.B
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Which phone??
Person 1 : Suggest me a good phone to buy nowadays. Person 2 : Microsoft Lumia 950 XL is good for winters, will keep you warm. Very warm. Person 1 : So what about summers then? Person 2 : Same, it freezes often as well
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb 2 to turn the ladder and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why were there only 1,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
they only had 2 trucks
-
Why were there only 1000 people at the Million Mexican March?
They only had 2 trucks.
-
What did the spanish fireman name his 2 sons?
Jose and Hose B
-
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
If it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
-
What do you get when you cross 2 ducks and a match?
Fire Quackers
-
What do you call cows with 2 legs?
Lean beef. bonus: What do you call cows with no legs Ground beef.
-
What do you call a man with a flamethrower?
2. What do you call his first victim 3. What do you call his second victim 1. Bernie 2. Crispin 3. Ash
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Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?
They only had 2 trucks
-
What are you doing today?
2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.
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Why did Susie fall off the swing?
2 - Because she had no arms 1 - Knock Knock 2 - Who's there 1 - Not Susie
-
What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?
A senior high school math problem.
-
What do you call 2 Mexicans in a boat with a case of beer?
A pinat
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Why is Irish bean soup made with 239 beans?
Because if you add even one more it gets "2 farty".
-
Why are men the best chefs?
Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.
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What do you call 2 metalheads falling in love?
A match maiden heaven
-
Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts
-
Why did the girl bring 2 basketballs to the basketball game?
Because there was 2 basketball courts. DUH!
-
What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone sack time!!
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Which 2 Birthdays go by the quickest?
the twenty second ones and the thirty second ones
-
Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
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Why do chicken coups only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans.
-
What's the final digit of the square root of 2 (2)?
I don't know, sometimes radicals can be irrational.
-
Why do 2 bit gamblers never win at blackjack ?
Because they can only count to 3.
-
What fish is made of only two sodium ions?
2 Na :D
-
Why can't America play chess?
They are missing 2 towers
-
What do you call 2 chainz on steroids?
2-Gainz
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How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2 . One to screw it in and another to say, "I could do that".
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Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.
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Why was the pencil in the toilet?
It was a No. 2.
-
What's the difference between a white bodybuilder and a black bodybuilder?
A white bodybuilder has 6 packs whereas a black bodybuilder has 2 pac
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Why was number 4 blushing?
She saw 2 and 3 halving six
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What has 1 hand, 3 legs, 6 feet, and 2 heads?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
-
How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3. ?
4. Prophet.
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Why did the golfer wear 2 shirts when he went golfing?
In case he got a hole-in-one!
-
Why were episodes 4, 5, 6 made before 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge Yoda was.
-
What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms?
2 Na!
-
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
-
Why do you need patience at the gym?
Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
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Why was 2 afraid of 4?
Because 4 8 16!
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Why'd it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma?
I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana