Allow Jokes

  • Why aren't you allowed alcohol on a golf course?

    Because it's a crime to drink and drive.

  • What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

    Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore.

  • What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry?

    A cantelope

  • Why do SJWs hate Pong?

    It's a wildly successful game that only has straight, white main characters (I stole this joke from somewhere but am not allowed to say where)

  • When your prescription says "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS" how many beers are you really allowed to have?


  • What's the difference between Twitter and Game of Thrones?

    Twitter only allows 140 characters.

  • Why does Carlos Mencia love r/jokes?

    Reposts are allowed.

  • What is not allowed in the ring, but boxers do every night?

    Hit the sack.

  • What do you call fruits that aren't allowed to marry?

    OC Cantaloupes.

  • Why should you know who is the bride at an Irish wedding?

    Because that's the one you're *not* allowed to punch in the face.

  • What do Ryan Giggs and Imogen Thomas have in common?

    I'm not allowed to tell you

  • What kind of fruit isn't allowed to get married?

    A cantaloupe.

  • What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?

    I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.

  • Why were some people not allowed in to the Poet College?

    Because they were bard.

  • Why isn't Kanye West allowed in rural Pennsylvania?

    An Amish with a tool, you know that's unheard of.

  • Why do white people own so many pets?

    Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.

  • Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military?

    They are too trigger-happy.

  • What side of the road do they drive on in ireland?

    None. They're so drunk and violent no one is allowed to drive.

  • What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?


  • Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?


  • Why was the healthy potato not allowed on the plane?

    He was on the "No Fry" list.

  • How Many Muslim Women Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb?

    Silly, Muslim Women aren't allowed to screw in light bulbs.

  • What did people start calling the medical school that allowed animals to study medicine?

    The hippocampus.

  • Why are Muslim men allowed 4 wives?

    Because "Islam gives women equal rights!"

  • When do Catholics allow the use of condoms?

    When the choir boys have diarrhea.

  • Why do they allow people in wheelchairs to bring carry-ons onto a plane?

    Aren't they themselves a carry-on?

  • Why don't you ever see Michael Jordan at Wimbledon?

    Only whites allowed

  • Which duck will destroy the establishment?

    None, ducks are not allowed in politics.

  • Why parents don't allow their children to listen to M. Jackson songs?

    because they are very touching

  • Why did the vulture have to check some luggage at the gate?

    It was only allowed one piece of carrion.

  • What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

    Xanax since he's a Bartender

  • How do you confuse a feminist?

    Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

  • What airline allows you to pee in cruise?

    Wizz Air

  • What did they call it when NHL officials refused to allow a hamburger to play hockey in the league?

    Rink injustice!

  • Why is mild cheddar even a thing?

    Who are these people who can't handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market

  • Why aren't eagles allowed to be sick in america?

    Because that would be illeagle

  • Why Aren't Elephants Allowed On The Beach?

    Because they always blow their trunks off!

  • Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry?

    They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.

  • Why did the vulture fly United Airlines?

    Because they allow 1 free carrion

  • Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?

    A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.

  • Why are families only allowed 1 child in China?

    The government is opposed to euthanasia.

  • What did they start calling Kim Jong Un after he shed 60 kgs in weight?

    Kim Jong Un what you thought it was Slim Jong Un? Sorry but you are not allowed to make puns on your supreme leader's name in North Korea

  • Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?

    Because they contain a lot of fowl language.

  • What is a crevice that is owned by someone and not allowed to be stepped into?

    None of your abyss-ness

  • Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

    Twitter only allows 160 characters

  • Why wasn't Michael Jackson allowed to perform at the children's hospital?

    Because he is dead. ((I came up with this joke when I was very tired.))

  • What is the only type of alcohol muslims are allowed to drink?


  • Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes?

    Because icing is not allowed.

  • Why does Brendon Rodgers hate Twitter?

    It only allows 140 characters

  • Why wasn't the fish allowed to play in the band?

    Because he couldn't tuna piano!

  • What about your mom?

    No, no. Dad wouldn't allow that."

  • What does the polite racist say?

    I will take over now, if you allow.

  • Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

    Because attachments are not allowed.

  • Why is Jay-Z allowed to ride in the carpool lane by himself?

    Because his name is Hov, OH, H-to-the-O-V

  • How many cans of soda can a soda can can if a soda can can can cans?

    No one can ever know P.S. are these type of tongue twister jokes allowed here If not i will happily remove it.

  • Why is gambling not allowed in Africa?

    Because there are too many cheetahs.

  • Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

    He kept trying to shave the princess.

  • What does the sign at a nudist Buddhist beach say?

    No Bhikkhunis( allowed.

  • Why aren't dwarves allowed at nudist camps?

    They allways stick their nose in other people's business.

  • Why does Saudi Arabia have so much oil?

    Because the women are not allowed to drive.

  • What type of fruit is not allowed to get married?


  • Why weren't the eggplants allowed into the mushroom party?

    Because there wasn't much room and they aren't fun guys.

  • Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore?

    This guy.

  • Why couldn't the Dukes of Hazard visit Mecca?

    Because that's just a little bit more than Allah will allow.

  • Why isn't Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive?

    A: Because everybody knows -- tyrannosaurus wrecks.

  • Why don't they allow lesbians to play baseball?

    When they get to third base they think they've scored

  • Why'd the vulture check his bag?

    The airline didn't allow carrion luggage.

  • Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments?

    Because they were for test porpoise only

  • Why aren't you allowed to smile when taking your driver IDs?

    Because you won't be smiling when the cops pull you over.

  • Why is Elsa not allowed a balloon?

    Because she'll let it goooo

  • What type of weed are you allowed to smoke during Ramadan?


  • Why are Jedis allowed to use negative numbers?

    Because only Siths deal in absolutes.

  • Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

    The specific ocean.

  • Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

    There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

  • How many wife's does a catholic priest allowed to have?


  • What's the difference between and elephant and a mail box?

    I don't know. I hope you're not allowed to take the mail out to the mail box.

  • What do you call a place where they don't allow sleeveless shirts?

    A gun free zone

  • Why did they not allow farmers in Greece?

    They got tired of all the minotaurs.

  • Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?

    He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...

  • Why do so many American kids die in school shootings?

    They're not allowed to run in the halls.

  • How fast are black people allowed to go on the highway?

    25 to Life.