America Jokes
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How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy AMERICA: What color is this dress !
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What's the difference between yogurt and America?
Yogurt could develop a culture after 200 years
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Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics?
Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.
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What happens when you take a joke too far?
The 45th President of the United States of America.
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What are they called in America?
Americans.
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Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
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Who will be rescued?
America.
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Whats the Slogan for every I.T. Department in America?
Mmmm. Move Over."
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Who lost the American Presidential Debate?
America.
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Who says time travel doesn't exist and we can't go back in time?
America just did.
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Who get saved?
The United States of America
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What's the difference between America and Yoghurt?
If you leave yoghurt alone for 2000 years it'll develop a culture.
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Why are there no knock knock jokes about the United States?
Because in America, freedom rings.
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Why can't the homeless ever get by in America?
because there's no chaaaannggggeeeee
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What do blacks and bikes have in common?
They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.
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Why is it called Justice League of America?
Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"? (Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)
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What does America and my Milk have in common?
Both will go bad in 9 days.
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Why is it "canceled" in America, but "cancelled" in England?
Because we gave them that L in 1776.
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What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America?
Antiquing.
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What's does America and programming have in common?
When you fix one problem, 38 more problems pop up.
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Why couldn't Shah Rukh Khan enter America?
Because he wasn't an Amirkhan
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What's the difference between America and Europe?
In America, we call our inbred hillbillies. In Europe, they call them royals.
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How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate?
He claimed 47% of America as dependents.
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Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?
He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.
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What do you call someone who can't find a job?
A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.
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What's the difference between justice and relevant ethnic groups in America?
Justice isn't always black and white
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How are third party candidates like soccer?
They're only really popular in America once every four years.
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How are America and McDonald's similar?
They are both run by red-headed clowns.
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What is the difference between walking a dog in America and China?
The spelling.
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Why does America spell some words differently?
They said "We can do it without u, Britain."
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How did horses get to America in the 1700's?
On the Hayflower!
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How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.
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Why is all the racism in America downstairs?
That's where we keep them chained up.
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What did one cracker say to the other?
Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia."
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What's the difference between America any yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
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What happened to the T?
America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"
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Why aren't their Mexican Olympics?
Because all of the Mexicans that can run,jump,and swim are in America!
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Why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
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Who gets saved?
America
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What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East?
No, YOU the bomb.
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Why doesn't Mexico win Olympic Medals?
Because all their best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.
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How did Christopher Columbus 'discover' America?
By occident
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Whats the difference between an anthropologist and a sociologist?
Anthropologists hate Western Civilization. Sociologists only hate America.
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What's the difference between america and a yoghurt?
A yoghurt develops a culture After sitting there for 100 years.
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What's the advantage of being black in Africa vs black in America?
Nobody can point at your shoes and say "What are thoooooooooose?!"
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Why doesn't America knock?
Because freedom rings
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Whats the difference between America and Yogurt?
If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.
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Why aren't there any 'Knock, Knock' jokes about America?
Cuz freedom rings, baby!
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Why doesn't Mexico live up to it's full potential in the Olympics?
Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump, and swim are in America.
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What do Mexicans say on their first day in America?
Jose can you see, by the dawn's early light...
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Why aren't eagles allowed to be sick in america?
Because that would be illeagle
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How do you convince America to join a war?
Tell them its almost over
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Why does America use the imperial system?
Because they are behind
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Where do most illegal immigrants go in America?
Allah-bama.
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What is the most useless superpower?
America.
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Who do you save?
America. Keep right on going and don't stop.
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Why does America have so many boasting Republicans?
Because it needs some bragging rights.
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What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?
An immigrant.**
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What do you call a police officer that shoots black people?
A police officer in America.
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Why are there no mexican in the olympics?
Because any Mexican that can run, jump or swim is in america!
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What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
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Why doesn't America like knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.
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Who is saved?
America
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What do you call a bee that lives in America?
USB
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Where did vampires go to first in America?
New-fang-land.
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What did the Mexican do when he arrived in America?
removed
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Who does Matthew McConaughey say is the most dangerous group in America?
Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right
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What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks?
Minnesota.
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What do you call a smart person in America?
A tourist.
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Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?
On their feet!
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What's the worst gear for America?
Cruz control.
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Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings. Happy 4th of July !
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What's good for the soul and rarely found in America?
A sense of humor.
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Why does Mexico do so poorly in the Olympics?
Because everybody who can run, jump, or swim is already in America.
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What's the difference between America and yogurt?
One has culture.
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What is the difference between yoghurt and America?
When you leave yogurt alone it grows a culture!
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Why does Martin Luther King like jam?
Because God bless America
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Why don't you hear any knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
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What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?
If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.
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Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly?
Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.
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How would America win gold medals in shooting for the Olympics?
They take their prison population and school population to Rio.
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What's the difference between a star and America?
The star has a bright future.
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Why is there a 100,000 oil limit in World of Warcraft Garrisons?
Because anything more than that might cause an invasion by the United States of America!
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Why were you speeding?
Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."
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Who loses?
America.
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Why does America not have knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.
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What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
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What the hell are you doing?
America: Getting rid of u
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What is this the difference between America and Greece?
15 years.
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What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?
Technologically backward" What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system? "Economically underdeveloped." What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system? "America"
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Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?
Because all the ones that can run, jump and swim are already in America.
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What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia?
You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)
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What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?
God bless America.
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Why is North Korea going fail against America?
They lack the element of supplies
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What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
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Why do Marlboro cigarettes have white filters in America, but yellow filters in Europe?
So Keith Richards can tell which continent he's in.
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How many children does it take to change a light bulb in America?
About 1 thousand Iraqis.
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Who survives?
America.
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What did one turnip say to the other?
We're white and bulbous, just like America
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Why can't America play chess?
They are missing 2 towers
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What's the difference between America and a tub of yogurt?
After 200 years the yogurt would have developed some kind of culture.
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What's with everyone being scared of clowns recently?
Americas already got two running for president.
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Why can't America ever win a chess tournament?
Because they're missing two towers
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What is the difference between joghurt and America?
If you leave joghurt alone for 200 years, it will grow a culture!
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Why doesn't Mexico have any good athletes?
Because anybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in America
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Why do pill bottles have cotton in them?
To remind blacks in America that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
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Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?
Because Freedom Rings.
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How many liberals does it take to defend America?
Nobody knows, they've never tried.
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What's the difference between America and a yogurt?
After 200 years a yogurt will develop a culture.
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Why Can't America tell knock knock jokes?
Cause' freedom RINGS!
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Why are high end clocks designed and made in Switzerland?
As they don't get arrested for doing their job as they do in America!
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What will the presidential candidate for the next election choose as his/her campaign motto?
Make America good again."
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How did a Chinese spy disguise himself as an Arab in America?
He became a Muslim.
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Who wins the election?
America.
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What do you call the second-most hated politician in America?
Madam President.
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Why were the Native Americans in America before us?
They had reservations.
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Why is America bad at the game Chess?
Because they don't know how to defend their towers.
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What's the difference between America and cereal?
You can get cereal without nuts.
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What is America worth?
Nothing, it's a free country.
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Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?
As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.
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Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games?
All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.
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Why do Chinese tourists get disappointed when they visit America?
Because when they buy souvenirs they find out they were made in China.
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What was the anti-aging makeup company's slogan?
Make America 8 again
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What do salads and Mexicans have in common ?
They both benefit America!
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Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad?
Because America is never wrong.
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What is the difference between a yogurt and america?
If you leave the yogurt for 100 years alone, it develops a culture.
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What's the difference between Ireland and America?
When we say waterboarding in Ireland it means surfing.
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What's the oldest red wine in America?
Give us back our land!"