American Jokes
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Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
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How is the American public now like Socrates?
By November, they will have both picked their poison.
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What did the Ukrainian say to the whiny American?
Crimea River.
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What do terrorists and the American government have in common?
They both blow up people who don't agree with them.
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What different about an American Christmas from a Spanish one?
Noel.
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Why are there no American flags at the DNC?
Because the delegates were standing on them.
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What do you call a American football team full of retards?
Special teams
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What does the Chinese government call an American with a PhD in physics, math and chemistry?
STUPID AMERICAN!
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What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?
About thirty thousand dollars a year.
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Why do Americans hate sunlight?
Because it's yellow and settles on their land too. And it melts snow.
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How many American golf fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
1001 1 to offer up the bulb and 1000 to scream 'Get in the hole'
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Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?
because they can't protect their towers
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Why is it bad to have a strong American dollar?
It's harder to break bills.
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What do cheese and cancer have in common?
Americans put it everywhere!
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Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women?
American women get stoned before they commit adultery..
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Why do native american's hate snow?
Because it's white & on their land.
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What's the difference between a Brit and an American?
The Brit got kicked out and the American did the kicking.
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How do American chickens cross the road?
In a bucket.
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Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?
Americans cant milk a cow for 14 years.
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Why do so many American kids die in school shootings?
They're not allowed to run in the halls.
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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...?
Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
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Why do american bears have forelimbs?
They have the right to bear arms
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Why are Americans bad at MOBAs?
Because they cant defend towers.
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Why are Americans bad at League of Legends?
Cause they can't protect their towers.
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Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables?
In an American nursing home.
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What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe?
Vault Disney
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How do you call a person that speaks only one language?
An American
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What do you call a sophisticated American?
Canadian
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Where is Dracula's American office?
The Vampire State Building.
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What's the only thing the English and French agree on?
Americans. Alternatives: What's the only thing Americans and the French agree on? The English. What's the only thing the English and Americans agree on? The French.
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How much do Americans like racist jokes?
Enough to make one President.
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What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?
9/11 and 11/9 - darkest days in American history
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How do Japanese people refer to American politicians?
Parti-san
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What do you call someone who knows one?
American.
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How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. Their President outsources the job to India.
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Why do Americans hate knock knock jokes?
Because Freedom Rings.
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How many American presidents does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
None, broken lightbulbs have the rights to be treated as a normal lightbulb.
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What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
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Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan?
At the infideli counter.
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Where do American bees store their honey?
In a USBee hive. Thank my ten year old for that one.
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What do Americans call the summer holidays?
Ceasefire
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Whats the worst joke you can play on an American?
Two pies to the face and one somewhere in a field in Pennsylvania.
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Who lost the presidential debate?
We Americans
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What kind of native American is Nikki Minaj?
Arapahoe.
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What dog would you want on your American football team?
A golden receiver!
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
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What do you call someone who only speaks one language?
American.
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How many American cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black
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Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
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What do you call an American communist?
Manifesto Destiny
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Who lose in the presidential debate?
American.
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What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head ?
John.
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Why does the american loose at billard ?
Beacause he always shoots at the black one.
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Why did American football player Michael Vick want to see the film "Top Gun"?
He heard the film had dogfighting scenes
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What did Sam say to the young Americans?
Guess where this finger's going."
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How do you get 30 drunk Americans out of the pool?
Allahu Akhbarrrr"
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What room is it?
When you arrive at the international airport you are American. There is a room that changes your nationality. When you enter this room you are Russian, when you leave this room you are Finnish, and while inside European. What room is it?
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Why are American police officers so bad at snooker?
They always shoot the black
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What do Americans and Putin have in common?
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
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Why do Americans just ignore the "H" in "Herb"?
Honestly, no idea!
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What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup (Soccer)?
Turn off the Playstation.
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How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant
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What is worse than being kidnapped by the Talibans?
Being rescued by the Americans
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What do you call an american late night channel block dedicated to tsundere anime shows?
Tsunami
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What do the American dollar and the American dress size have in common?
Both have had to adjust for inflation.
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How are Americans and poles similar?
Running into one could really ruin your day.
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What's the difference between a yogurt and the Americans?
If you leave a yogurt for 200 years it'll grow a culture.
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What kind of game are Americans worst at?
Tower defense.
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What does an American call a Canadian Dollar?
A quarter.
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Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ?
Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?
Dress them up as dead lions
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What do native American and modern day American society have in common?
Navaho lot.
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What did the American call Karl Marx when a shrine was dedicated to him in Japan?
A Kami.
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What's the best way for an American to lose weight?
Gamble in British currency.
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What are the loud, metal things that the Japanese hit?
American ships.
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Why are Americans so bad at MOBA games (League of Legends, Dota, Heroes of the storm, etc.)?
They can't defend towers.
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Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?
They lost their reservations.
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What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty
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What's the difference between Americans and Europeans?
For an European 500 Miles is a long distance, for an American 500 years are a long History
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What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
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Why are a good majority of Americans obese?
At least the food won't take away their rights. Do a little oppression of their own.
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Why can't American engineers design linear actuators?
Because they always try to maximize the degrees of freedom.
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What do you call a bunch of stereotypical Americans running?
Nothing, it never happens.
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Why don't american have a bullet train?
They use the bullets to train the military.
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What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community?
That's a reservation reservation reservation. (Credit to Brian Regan)
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What happened to the american man who broke his leg?
He went... broke.
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What's red, white, and black all over?
An American plantation.
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How do you get Americans to join a World War?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
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What are they called in America?
Americans.
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What's the difference between Americans and ice cream?
Ice cream fits in a tub.
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Why didn't the American get the burger?
because the heart attack got him first.
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Why did the Japanese American bring his server with him?
He thought they said internet camp
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Why will there never be an Asian president?
Because the American people could never make it through the erection without raughing.
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Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel?
They say he was snowed in.
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What is the difference between an American rabbit and a French rabbit?
The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!
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What happened!?
The American responds, "Ei ffel".
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When is the only time you're not American?
When European.
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How do you tell if someone online is American?
They keep their caps locked and guns loaded. (Not the best and not original)
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Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe?
They get Hungary so they go for Turkey.
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What did the Israelite say to the american when offering him a drink?
Here, try this, Israeli refreshing!"
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How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. Their President outsources the job to India.
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Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because its US AF.
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What does an American actor say when going to Europe?
Let's go PAL.
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Why can't Americans play chess ?
Because they are missing two towers.
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What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?
Mind the GAAP.
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What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?
1961
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Who built the first American car?
Student: "Me Pilgrims." Teacher: "The Pilgrims " Student: "Yeah they made the Mayflower Compact."
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What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?
I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a Mexican's job.
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What's a black person of the United States called?
A frickin' American. What'd you expect, something racist
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What do you call an American who does not like apple pie?
A Communist
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What do you call a tear in the American flag?
An old glory hole.
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What walks on two legs, but can't move forward?
Americans who voted for Hillary
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What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?
A Lift (only a joke, my American friends)
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Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
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Where is the lift?
American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.
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What would be the American version of "Duck Quacks Don't Echo"?
Jet Fuel Don't Melt Steel Beams".
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What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?
Can't we just let Argonne's be Argonne's?
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Why do Americans deep fry so much food?
A. They love OIL
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Why are Americans so bad at chess?
Because they don't have 2 towers.
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How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
Two. One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.
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What did the native american say the first time he saw a bicycle?
Wow, white folks are pretty smart. They run sitting down.
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What do you call a person who speaks three languages?
Trilingual! Two Languages Bilingual! Only one language Americans
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How do we know that Darth Vader is American?
Because he marches to the Imperial March and not the Metric March
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What's the difference between an American student and an English student ?
About 3000 miles !
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Why shouldn't you play American football with feminists?
Because they'll constantly shift the goal posts.
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Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
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What's white on the outside and black on the inside?
An American police officer.
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What's the difference between an Arab and an American wife?
The age
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What did the American Chef say to the Asian Chef?
Take a wok.
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a Mexican's job.
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What's the difference between a Muslim woman and an American one?
An American woman gets stoned *before* she commits adultery.
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How many American golf fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
1001 1 to offer up the bulb and 1000 to scream 'Get in the hole'
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How do you confuse a Republican?
Wrap an unarmed black man in the American Flag
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How do you turn German beer into American Beer?
Drink it
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What did one dead American cop say to the other dead American cop?
Waaazzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppp.
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How did Canada pick its name?
There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.
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What's the difference between South Korean BBQ and American BBQ?
South Korean BBQ has more Seoul
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What is the American national day for vampires?
Fangsgiving Day.
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How do you call an American that hasn't gone to the toilet in 7 days?
An American full of himself.
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What do you call an American girl who can run faster than her brothers?
A Virgin.
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Which American president was not guilty?
Lincoln, he was in a cent
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What's an American's favourite day of the week?
Fryday.
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What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history?
American Snipper
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Why German Loves Americans why do Germans love Americans?
because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
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What do you call an unfriendly American from the 60's?
An anti-socialist
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What's the American settler's spirit animal?
The groundhog.
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If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?
European
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Which American President was least guilty?
Abraham Lincoln. He was in a cent.
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What do you call a love triangle between a white person, a black person and a native american?
Neapolitan.
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Why did the native american hate snow?
It's white and on his land.
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Why is it OK to wash an American flag in hot water?
Because these colors don't run.
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Why Americans are so bad in geography?
They are taking the geography lessons from their Canadian neighbors in the south.
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Why do Americans order their dates Month/Day/Year?
Because 11/9 just doesn't have the same ring to it.
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Why are Americans bad at chess?
They lost two towers
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What do you say to a thin American?
Hows the chemotherapy going?
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What do an Iraqi baby, an American president, and a homesick Brit visiting Jerusalem all want?
They all want either pees, peace or peas in the middle east.
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How many Americans does it take to change a bulb?
None, Mexicans do it for them.
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Why are redditors American?
Because they always *tip*.
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What's Afghanistan's National Bird?
An American drone.
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What did the American biscuit say to the British biscuit?
Girl you sure are sweet.
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What is Cersei Lannister's favorite American city?
Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.
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Why do American beer companies always advise that their beer should be served cold?
So you can tell it apart from urine
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How can you tell if an American has a conceal carry permit?
They'll tell you.
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How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
Two. One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.
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Which American city did Japan ruin?
Detroit
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Why do American's take letters out of words?
Because they're lazy, and they hate U.
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What do you call an empty bud light can on the side of the road?
A native American artifact. What do you call a HALF-EMPTY bud light can on the side of the road? An extremely rare native American artifact.
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What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles?
Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.
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What did the American vet did when he came to back from Vietnam?
The guns wasn't in the horse fixing resume!"
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Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?
Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.
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Why do Europeans hate American food?
Europeans don't want to die yet. Unlike Americans who don't wanna diet.
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What's the difference between a Bald Eagle and an American?
The Bald Eagle is free c:
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Why don't Americans like their dollar coin?
They're afraid of change.
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What's the difference between an American and a Canadian?
A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.
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What's the difference between Americans and Brits?
Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.
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How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. According to Trump, they outsourced it to India & China.
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What would you guys like to ask an American?
Nevermind they'll just tell you anyway
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How can you tell that the movie Martian is not realistic?
Because Americans use imperial unit system.
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What's the difference between an American and a moldy piece of bread?
The bread has more culture.
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What's the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo?
An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team?
Their best swimmers are all in American waters.
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What sound does an Italian American microwave make?
Bada bing!
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What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
Bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks only 1 language? American.
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What is the difference between British and American schoolchildren?
British schoolchildren survive hide-and-seek.
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What 2 books do white American boys enjoy reading on their way to school?
The Catcher in the Rye and Cooking For Dummies.
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Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?
Because he was Snow'den.
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What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
Q: What do you call someone who speaks two languages? A: Bilingual Q: What do you call someone who speaks three or more languages? A: Multilingual Q: What do you call someone who speaks one language? A: American
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How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
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How did the dyslexic American mathematician sing the first line of his national anthem?
Oh secant, you say "
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How many native Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
About seven. One to change the bulb, six to sing the song.
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What kind of cheese?
Me: "American..." Her: "Want it toasted " Me: "I'll just make it myself."
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What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
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Why don't native Americans like snow?
We don't like anything white on our land.
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Whats an American cops favourite shot?
A black rushing
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What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team?
The New York jets.
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What do you get when American pioneers develop a video game?
They manifest Destiny
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Why do Americans drink their tea cold?
Because it takes too long to boil Boston Harbor.
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What did the deaf Canadian say to the American that was talking?
Eh?
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Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year?
It didn't Snowden.
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What side of the American flag are the stars on?
Both sides. Came from my FIL on this Memorial Day.
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What's the newest fitness craze sweeping American police forces?
Lead injections.
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What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?
Americans don't get them.
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Why couldn't the American leave Russia?
He was snowden
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What is the best way to pick up American girls?
With a crane.
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How do you call Canadian people?
Unarmed Americans.
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What's the difference between Canadians and Americans?
100 pounds.
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What do you call a person who knows 3 languages?
Trilingual. What do you call a person who knows 2 languages Bilingual. What do you call a person who knows only one language American.
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Why do American tourists talk so loudly?
So that they can hear each other over their clothes
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
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Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens?
The SALT talks!
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What's the difference between a Canadian and an American?
Canadian knows the difference between a school and a shooting range.
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Why are French snails faster than American snails?
L'ess cargo
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What happens when an American has a heart attack and survives?
A 'murical.