Animal Jokes

  • What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?

    A little otter

  • Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic?

    The bear hug!

  • Why does the town pound keep animals in separate cages?

    Cause otherwise they'd be going to pound town.

  • What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch?

    Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

  • What animal has five legs?

    A pitbull returning from a playground.

  • What animal is two animals at the same time?

    The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.

  • What animal do I respect most?

    The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

  • What is the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo?

    A Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the cage along with a recipe.

  • What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?

    A little bear !

  • What animal brings the most boys to the yard?


  • What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?

    Well, that's a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff's new here

  • What do giraffes have that no other animal has?

    A: Baby giraffes.

  • What's the only animal that can't get hit in the head?


  • What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot?

    An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!

  • What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

    A mole

  • What animal is faster than a cheetah?

    A cow dropped out of a helicopter.

  • What animal will you always see at a resturant?

    A DINE-O-SAUR. I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.

  • What animal spins around about 200 times after it dies?

    A rotisserie chicken

  • Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

    They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

  • What animal should you never play cards with?

    A cheetah

  • What do you call the border between humanity and animals?

    The Mediterranean Sea

  • What can an Elephant make that no other animal can make?

    Baby elephants.

  • What animals are poor dancers?

    Four-legged ones because they have two left feet.

  • What animals were last to leave the ark ?

    The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !

  • What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle?

    A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.

  • What animal is prone to both manic and depressive episodes?

    A bipolar bear.

  • What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?

    An animal that puts you out a night !

  • Why was the animal unhappy?

    He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.

  • What do you call an animal with a long neck and a love for oranges?

    A Jiraffa.

  • What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events?

    A topical rainforest.

  • What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ?

    An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !

  • What do reindeer have that other animals don't have?

    Baby reindeer

  • What do animals read in zoos?

    Gnus papers.

  • What animals do you bring to bed?

    Your calves.

  • What do you call a person who had to be amputated after being attacked by an animal?


  • Why is there a show called "When Animals Attack"?

    It should be called "When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals."

  • What animal is best at hitting a baseball?

    A bat!

  • Where do animals go when their Tails fall off?

    The Retail store

  • What do you get when you cross a mad cow and an angry sheep?

    An animal in a very baaaaaaad mooooooood

  • What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ?

    A horse !

  • What animal has 5 legs?

    A pit bull coming back from the playground.

  • What animal runs around happily with 5 legs?

    A pit bull in a kindergarten

  • What's the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo?

    An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.

  • What animal has bad memory and climbs mountains?

    A Forgoat.

  • Why can't animals take tests?

    Too many cheetahs!!!!

  • What animal gets applauded?

    The mosquito.

  • What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal?

    A doctor.

  • Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

    The retail store!

  • What is the worlds wettest animal?

    The reindeer

  • What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?

    An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !

  • Why Latvian man did cross road?

    Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.

  • What animal is always at a game of cricket?

    A bat.

  • What kind of animal can record video?

    A cam-el. Get it, because a camera records things and a camel is a animal.

  • What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday?

    Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years.

  • Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?

    A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!

  • What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room?

    An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.

  • What do you call an animal that doesn't matter?


  • What animal has more lives than a cat?

    A frog. It croaks every night.

  • What kind of zoo has no animals except for a small, yappy dog?

    A shih tzu

  • What is the best animal related joke you know?

    These jokes should be any jokes that are even vaguely related to animals!

  • What animal did they have in concentration camps?


  • What do dogs have that no other animal has ?

    Puppy dogs !

  • How do animals cross the ocean?

    On a Gir-raft.

  • Where do animals go when their tails falls off?

    The retail store

  • How did Noah get the animals on the ark?

    He pokmon!

  • What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

    Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

  • What separates man from animal?

    The Atlantic Ocean.

  • What did people start calling the medical school that allowed animals to study medicine?

    The hippocampus.

  • Why can't we feed the animals?

    Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

  • Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?

    Doctor Dolittle

  • What is it exactly that separates man from animal?


  • Which animal is the faggiest?

    A chim-PANSY

  • What separates animals from humans?

    The Mediterranean.

  • What do you call a model flying an airplane full of animals?


  • What do get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile?

    A: An animal that talks your head off.

  • What animal lives on the farm and says "moo"?

    A bilingual chicken

  • What type of animals are put on envelopes?


  • Why can't animals ever have an olympics?

    Because there's always a cheetah

  • What would be your main strength?

    Well, I can communicate with animals... "Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses " They can't understand me.

  • What animal can only survive in temperate climates?

    A lukeworm.

  • What animals talk on the telephone the most?

    The yakety-yaks!

  • What animal is the moodiest?

    A Bi-Polar Bear.

  • Why did I break up with my vegan girlfriend?

    She refused to swallow animal by-products.

  • What is something that mother giraffes have but no other animal has?

    Baby giraffes.

  • Why are lions more religious than other animals?

    They prey regularly.

  • What's the difference between a zoo in Louisiana and a zoo anywhere else?

    In Louisiana, next to the plaque with the animal's name, they've got a good recipe.

  • What kind of animal goes "LMAO"?


  • What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?

    A doctor

  • What is the definition of a goose ?

    An animal that grows down as it grows up !

  • What type of animal browses Reddit?


  • What animal is best at playing hide and seek?

    The airplane.

  • Why don't you have doggie bags?

    Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.

  • Which Greek God loved to collect animals?


  • What animal do you get when shake a pig?

    a ham-stir

  • Why do neurologists think they're God?

    Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!

  • What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ?

    Gnus - readers !

  • What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

    Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

  • Which animal makes the best pie?

    A human.

  • What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet?

    An elephant with diarrhea.

  • What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?

    Baby kangaroos.

  • What seperates man from animal?


  • What is it that separates humans from animals?

    The Mediterranean Sea

  • What animal is endangered by tooth decay?

    Molar bears!