Animal Jokes
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What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter
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Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic?
The bear hug!
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Why does the town pound keep animals in separate cages?
Cause otherwise they'd be going to pound town.
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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch?
Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.
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What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
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What animal is two animals at the same time?
The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.
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What animal do I respect most?
The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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What is the difference between a Southern Zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the cage along with a recipe.
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What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?
A little bear !
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What animal brings the most boys to the yard?
The
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What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?
Well, that's a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff's new here
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What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
A: Baby giraffes.
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What's the only animal that can't get hit in the head?
Duck.
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What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot?
An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
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What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?
A mole
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What animal is faster than a cheetah?
A cow dropped out of a helicopter.
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What animal will you always see at a resturant?
A DINE-O-SAUR. I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.
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What animal spins around about 200 times after it dies?
A rotisserie chicken
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Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
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What animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah
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What do you call the border between humanity and animals?
The Mediterranean Sea
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What can an Elephant make that no other animal can make?
Baby elephants.
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What animals are poor dancers?
Four-legged ones because they have two left feet.
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What animals were last to leave the ark ?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !
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What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle?
A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.
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What animal is prone to both manic and depressive episodes?
A bipolar bear.
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What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?
An animal that puts you out a night !
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Why was the animal unhappy?
He had a ruff week.. His life wasn't purrfect. His brother was a shellout. His mother's been a real crab lately. His family was really shellfish. He had no porpoise in life.
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What do you call an animal with a long neck and a love for oranges?
A Jiraffa.
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What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events?
A topical rainforest.
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What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !
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What do reindeer have that other animals don't have?
Baby reindeer
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What do animals read in zoos?
Gnus papers.
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What animals do you bring to bed?
Your calves.
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What do you call a person who had to be amputated after being attacked by an animal?
Claude
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Why is there a show called "When Animals Attack"?
It should be called "When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals."
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What animal is best at hitting a baseball?
A bat!
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Where do animals go when their Tails fall off?
The Retail store
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What do you get when you cross a mad cow and an angry sheep?
An animal in a very baaaaaaad mooooooood
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What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ?
A horse !
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What animal has 5 legs?
A pit bull coming back from the playground.
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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs?
A pit bull in a kindergarten
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What's the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo?
An American zoo will only have a description of the animal. The Chinese zoo has the price and recipe of the animal.
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What animal has bad memory and climbs mountains?
A Forgoat.
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Why can't animals take tests?
Too many cheetahs!!!!
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What animal gets applauded?
The mosquito.
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What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal?
A doctor.
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Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
The retail store!
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What is the worlds wettest animal?
The reindeer
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What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !
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Why Latvian man did cross road?
Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.
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What animal is always at a game of cricket?
A bat.
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What kind of animal can record video?
A cam-el. Get it, because a camera records things and a camel is a animal.
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What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday?
Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years.
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Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?
A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!
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What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room?
An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.
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What do you call an animal that doesn't matter?
Irrelephant.
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What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
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What kind of zoo has no animals except for a small, yappy dog?
A shih tzu
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What is the best animal related joke you know?
These jokes should be any jokes that are even vaguely related to animals!
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What animal did they have in concentration camps?
Dachau
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What do dogs have that no other animal has ?
Puppy dogs !
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How do animals cross the ocean?
On a Gir-raft.
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Where do animals go when their tails falls off?
The retail store
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How did Noah get the animals on the ark?
He pokmon!
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What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?
Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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What separates man from animal?
The Atlantic Ocean.
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What did people start calling the medical school that allowed animals to study medicine?
The hippocampus.
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Why can't we feed the animals?
Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*
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Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?
Doctor Dolittle
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What is it exactly that separates man from animal?
Divorce
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Which animal is the faggiest?
A chim-PANSY
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What separates animals from humans?
The Mediterranean.
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What do you call a model flying an airplane full of animals?
Zoolander
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What do get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile?
A: An animal that talks your head off.
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What animal lives on the farm and says "moo"?
A bilingual chicken
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What type of animals are put on envelopes?
Seals.
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Why can't animals ever have an olympics?
Because there's always a cheetah
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What would be your main strength?
Well, I can communicate with animals... "Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses " They can't understand me.
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What animal can only survive in temperate climates?
A lukeworm.
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What animals talk on the telephone the most?
The yakety-yaks!
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What animal is the moodiest?
A Bi-Polar Bear.
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Why did I break up with my vegan girlfriend?
She refused to swallow animal by-products.
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What is something that mother giraffes have but no other animal has?
Baby giraffes.
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Why are lions more religious than other animals?
They prey regularly.
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What's the difference between a zoo in Louisiana and a zoo anywhere else?
In Louisiana, next to the plaque with the animal's name, they've got a good recipe.
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What kind of animal goes "LMAO"?
Hy-Ayy-nas
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What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?
A doctor
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What is the definition of a goose ?
An animal that grows down as it grows up !
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What type of animal browses Reddit?
Karma-vore
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What animal is best at playing hide and seek?
The airplane.
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Why don't you have doggie bags?
Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.
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Which Greek God loved to collect animals?
Zoos
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What animal do you get when shake a pig?
a ham-stir
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Why do neurologists think they're God?
Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!
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What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ?
Gnus - readers !
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What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?
Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.
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Which animal makes the best pie?
A human.
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What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet?
An elephant with diarrhea.
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What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
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What seperates man from animal?
Divorce!
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What is it that separates humans from animals?
The Mediterranean Sea
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What animal is endangered by tooth decay?
Molar bears!