Ask Jokes

  • Why aren't you doing very well in history?

    Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

  • What I reply with when someone asks, "What'd the comment say?


  • How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car?

    gtOnly if you go aks your mother.

  • Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket?

    Because baggers can't be choosers.

  • When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why?

    She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

  • How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

  • Why would you ask me for directions?

    You just saw me walk into a closed door.

  • What is the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

  • When do accountants laugh out loud?

    When somebody asks for a raise

  • How can you tell between a graphic designer and recruiter?

    Ask them to pronounce "hires"

  • Where do you see yourself exploding in five years?

    they asked.

  • How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

    Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

  • How many wiseguys does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Who's asking

  • What did Ryu say when I asked if I could have some of his food?


  • When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself "what would the hulk do?

    Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

  • What does idk stand for?

    Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

  • How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?

    he asks with a large smile on his face.

  • What do you find in cells?

    My Ans) Black People . . . I dont know why do they ask such weird questions in biology.

  • What did Wiz Khalifa say when he was asked his opinion on the dress?

    Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is."

  • When my laptop asks "Are you sure?

    it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

  • Why did the groom ask his bride to wear white?

    Because he wanted his dishwasher to match the fridge and stove

  • How do yo get to Sesame Street?

    Unzip my pants and ask big bird

  • How did I get here?

    I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.

  • How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

    Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

  • Why the long pause?

    asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"

  • What will it be for you, my friend?

    the vendor asks. "Make me one with everything"

  • How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

    I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

  • What does a piano, tuna, and a bucket of glue have in common?

    You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Don't ask me about the bucket of glue though... I've been stuck there for a while

  • What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it?

    HOOO did that!

  • What does AF mean?

    After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF. Why do you ask 10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

  • When someone asks "You know what I think?

    I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.

  • What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?

    Quit being nosey.

  • What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone?

    Are you vegan?

  • Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years?

    I don't have 2020 vision.

  • Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?

    Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.

  • What's the difference between "Fake News" and CNN?

    I don't know Reddit, that's why I'm asking you

  • What about the kids?

    he asked. I said, "they're still together."

  • How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

    A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

  • Why are Reddit jokes so overused?

    I don't know, ask Dave.

  • What did Julius Caesar ask when finding a color to paint the Senate?

    Ecru, Brute "

  • When you ask her "Have you ever read Shakespeare?

    And she answers "No, who wrote it " .... Keep moving.

  • Where the hell did you get?

    the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.

  • What do you call it when one piece of coal asks another piece of coal out to dinner?

    Carbon dating.

  • Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?

    Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"

  • What did the deer say when the sportsman asked if he wanted to go hunting?

    I'm game.

  • What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car by the abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and ask to borrow a coat hanger

  • What did the author tell his publisher when he handed him a 600 pages instead of the 200 the publisher had asked for?

    Sorry, I overwrote your order. :-)

  • How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?

    Ask them to pronounce unionized.

  • Why did Tina Fey cross the road ?

    To get another Golden Globe. Tina Fey walks into the Tina Fey,the Tina Fey asks "How can i Tina Fey you ?to which Tina Fey reply,"Ah just give me a Tina Fey" and then leaves with a Golden Globe. Unbreakable is good.

  • How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    2...and don't ask me how they got in there. (My 87 year old grandma just told me this one)

  • Why am I black and you're white?

    A boy asks his mom, Why am I black and you're white? She says, Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark

  • How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?

    Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

  • How do you make an ugly baby?

    Ask your parents.

  • Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party?

    He didn't have the guts

  • What's the worst part about locking your keys in the car in an abortion clinic parking lot?

    Going inside to ask for a hanger.

  • What do all North Korean's say when you ask them how their day was?

    can't complain"

  • Whats the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger.

  • What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?

    Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"

  • How do you know if someone's a vegan?

    When you ask them "Are you a vegan?" and they say "Yes".

  • What did the cannibal ask for in his burrito?

    Human beans

  • How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

    Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

  • Why did the soccer player have to ask for a bib at the restaurant?

    Because he was Messi

  • What did the super-strong chlorella ask the moderately-weak chlorella?

    Do you even algae-bruh?

  • Why do I have to say please when I ask for a sandwich at a restaurant?

    They don't say please when I'm paying. They say, "That'll be $5". I should be able to say, "That'll be a sandwich."

  • How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player?

    Ask them what OP stands for.

  • Why are criminals so good at basketball?

    They shoot first and ask questions later.

  • What would be your reply?

    Someone stops you in the middle of the road and asks you to tell him a good joke, What would be your reply?

  • What products do you use for grooming?

    she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"

  • Who would you save first?

    Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

  • What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

    The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

  • What country are you from?

    I asked. "Iraq" he said. "How did you escape " I asked. IRAN

  • What did Adele say when asked where her dog is?

    Groomer has it

  • What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet?

    Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)

  • What should have tipped off the airline ticket sellers on 9/11?

    When the terrorists asked for anything cheaper than one-way.

  • How many "can't"s can a white girl "can't" before she literally can't even?

    my brother asked me this when i woke up and it has been bugging me all day.

  • Why not ask the guy who took that picture?

    Just kidding, I ran over it.

  • How do you ask someone if they're Vegan?

    You don't need to, they'll tell you

  • What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside to ask for a clothes hanger

  • Why Colonel had a bunch of underwears ?

    Because, Brigadier General asked him to debrief his team.

  • What did the Middle Eastern dishwasher say when his boss asked him what he did all day at work?

    Iraq the dishes in the dish rack and Iran the dishwasher

  • How much credibility is there in that whole "you can punch yourself handsome" theory?

    Asking for a friend.

  • When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

    do NOT respond with "I know, right !"

  • How do you ask an Uber driver if he drives for Lyft, too?

    Do you even Lyft bro? (I'll see myself out)

  • How to stop a kid from growing up. How do you stop your kids from growing up?

    Ask Jozsef Barsi.

  • What did the lawyer say to the sovereign citizen when asked for legal counsel?

    Am I being retained ** **Am I being retained **

  • What did the inn keeper say to the Big Dipper when he asked if he could rent a room?

    sorry this is only a four star hotel.

  • What does Shaggy ask himself when he's in a bind?

    What would Scooby doo

  • What asks no question but demands an answer?

    A doorbell or a ringing telephone.

  • What tool does a black lumberjack use?

    An ask. (Explanation: Because most black people say ax for ask, it is swapped around.) Came up with it by myself, how did I do

  • What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?

    Just flush it like everybody else does."

  • What is Checkmate?

    You tell your Wife, "I saw a lady, looked exactly like you" Wife asks, "WAS SHE BEAUTIFUL?" You cant say 'NO' You cant say 'YES' That is Checkmate!

  • How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

    Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

  • How do you ask a priest to hand you the spaghetti?

    Pasta pasta, pasta.

  • How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

    Ask them to pronounce 'unionized.'

  • How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow?

    You ask an informer

  • When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?

    She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

  • How do you give a quadriplegic a headache?

    Ask him to hold open the elevator door

  • What makes fish smell?

    One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

  • When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?

    if u say its not ok they give it to u for free

  • What does Batman ask when he enters a butcher shop?


  • Who's your Daddy?

    In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy " instead of "Who's your daddy " and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...

  • What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark?

    Is that your final ant sir!

  • How was your interview?

    Munnu : It went good, but lastly they asked me show them my testimonial. Chunnu : So Munnu : I think I showed them the wrong thing.

  • Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?

    A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'

  • When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?

    I reply "Taxes."

  • Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?

    Stop talking in secret code.

  • How do you get a Canadian to quit smoking cigarets?

    You ask him politely.

  • What did Mike Tyson say when asked about the time he fought the God of Asgard?

    The loser was 'thore'"

  • Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner?

    Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.

  • How do you spell wrong?

    R o n g. That's wrong. That's what you asked for isn't it

  • Why don't you ask your sister?

    But I don't have a .........oooooh.

  • Why did the hunter scold his blonde wife after she shot a moose over quota?

    Cause when he asked her why she shot it, she replied: "I asked it what it was before I shot. But that cow wasn't gonna fool me!"

  • What does COINCIDENCE' mean?

    Student Funny, I was just going to ask you that.

  • What does the unemployed starving man ask his rich baker friend?

    I just need some bread

  • What did the snake say when another asked him the time ?

    Don't asp me !

  • What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

    When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"

  • What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?

    Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.

  • What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?

    Nah, mastay

  • How flexible are you?

    He asked. I can't do Tuesdays. -Tommy Cooper

  • How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?

    You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said

  • What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

    Bro sure!

  • Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

    Because they won't stop to ask directions.

  • What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap?

    He said "Sure! I could loan some Dove".

  • Why didn't the Mexican guy at work take out the trash at work when I asked him?

    He had -ity!

  • How do you make a buff guy talk to you for hours?

    ask about his routine.

  • Who's...(loud crash as a battering ram demolishes the front door)...there?

    We're the Ferguson Police Department. We ask the questions.

  • What does a pediatrist do when you ask them which body part they find most interesting?

    They admit de feet.

  • How does a mathematician ask for money?

    Give me 10! dollars

  • How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

  • How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist?

    Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'

  • Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

    Because he was barefooted!!!

  • Whatever's the matter ?

    asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

  • How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

  • What's the difference between Isis hostages and Isis terrorists?

    Don't ask me, I just fly the drones...

  • What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?

    The landlord said "Sorry we don't serve spirits."

  • When she asks "is that your puppy?

    say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

  • How do you make $3 million in 48 seconds?

    Ask Ronda Rousey!

  • What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?

    Ask the NSA for a backup.

  • How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist?

    Ask them what 'unsigned' means.

  • How do you know Axe was invented by black people?

    If it was white people who invented it, it would be called Ask.

  • How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was?


  • Who's there ! Chair ! Chair who?

    Chair you go again asking more questions !

  • How do you get stuck in an annoying conversation with a stranger?

    Ask someone vaping if you can bum a cigarette.

  • What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

    A: Play ball.

  • What's your opinion on birds?

    Well, they're pretty fly if you ask me.

  • Why are football players never asked for dinner?

    Because they're always dribbling!

  • How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two! But don't ask me how they got inside there.

  • What did Blake Edwards say when asked if he had a roomate?

    Yes, I have a rhuuuum, mate!

  • How do you tell the difference between a Fabric Designer and a Science Professor?

    Ask them to pronounce "LATEX"

  • Why is this wet?

    she asks. "Because it's below C level."

  • How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?

    Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

  • What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic?

    When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.

  • How many are you?

    We are three. - Three - Me and my brother. - You have a brother - No why do you ask

  • What did the atheist fisherman say when asked about his catch?

    There is no cod

  • What does "IDK" mean?

    I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

  • When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?

    I replied "No, she's not that ugly"

  • What did Pitbull ask for Christmas?


  • What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

    After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."

  • When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

    I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

  • Why are we here?

    Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

  • Why aren't you wearing a coat?

    Coats are for pussies."My mother asks too many questions.

  • A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.

    I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'

  • Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

    When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

  • What did the German say when the Spaniard asked him for some cheese?

    Mi Kase es su Kase.

  • What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date?


  • What are homeless ducks always asking for?

    A lil bit of quack

  • Who would you ask for advice about a lion?

    a lion or a gerbil The lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions.

  • When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

    Not yet," she replied

  • What does a National Geographic magazine or a JC Penney catalog have in common?

    Sorry, the punchline is the joke. If you don't get it, ask your dad.

  • What did Mike Tyson ask the really tired Norse god?

    Are you Thor

  • How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

  • What do liberals and homeless people have in common?

    They are always asking for change.

  • What did the black dude say when his hippie girlfriend asked him to go to burning man with her?

    Namaste here

  • What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears?

    Britney asked to be hit one more time..

  • What did the car dealer ask the oscilloscope?

    sin or cosine

  • What did the llama say when asked to a picnic?

    Alpaca lunch!

  • When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

    I like to be prepared.

  • How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?

    I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

  • How do you make an ugly kid?

    Go ask your mother Courtesy of a hot dog vendor in Atlanta

  • Why is everything lying on the floor?

    my mom asked Gravity, I replied.

  • How much will that be?

    asks the neutron. "For you " replies the bartender, "no charge."

  • How was the beach?

    You hang ten or what " No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

  • What happened when the Malaysian asked the Russian out on a date?

    He got shot down.

  • What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

    Going in to ask for a coat hanger!

  • How does one robber ask another how they're doing?

    How are you holding up?"

  • What would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if you asked him his favorite holiday?

    You have to love easter, baby." (OC)

  • Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time?

    Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

  • What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

    2B or not 2B?

  • How do you make a motherboard?

    I asked him. He said, "Tell her about my job."

  • What's the worst part of locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic?

    Going inside and asking for a coat hanger.

  • What would Fred Flintstone say if you asked him which city had the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world?

    Abu Dhabi Dooooooo!

  • How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?

    You ask them to leave.

  • How Do You Make A Blind Man Angry?

    Give him a basketball and ask him what it says.

  • What did the proctologist ask the restaurant goer?

    Can I push your stool in?

  • What does the neckbeard say when asked what he did last weekend?


  • Why should you never ask people with Down Syndrome to use a printer?

    They always make an extra copy

  • What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?

    The other one answers: -Oh fifty dollars, like everybody else, why

  • What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?

    I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.

  • What are your go to jokes?

    I was at an event the other day and someone asked "So... anyone know any jokes?" What's everyone's "go to" joke in social situations?

  • What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?

    Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.

  • What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?

    Hula the dogs out?

  • Why was the guy wearing the fedora upset?

    Because you didn't ask him what band he's in.

  • What's it like to have a social life?

    Asking for a friend.

  • What did Oscar Pistorius say when his cellmate asked him how he ended up in prison?

    I'm stumped."

  • What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?

    It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds no wait - 13 seconds no wait - 14 seconds no wait......

  • What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon?

    Put a sock in it.

  • When someone asks, "How are you?

    I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

  • When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

    if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

  • Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store?

    Because baggers can't be choosers,

  • What exactly is going on?

    I asked. He replied, "A Major engineering feet."

  • How do you make a Game of Thrones fan sad?

    You ask them to hold the door for you.

  • When someone ask me... How are you?

    I answer back... You mean in bed

  • Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?

    push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."

  • What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom?

    Of chorus.

  • What did the Redditor say when... What did Redditor say when asked why he failed his PSAT test?


  • When I asked her why, she said "uhhh no real reason". I'm thinking, "no reason, huh?

    So I punched her in the face. Now she has a reason.

  • Why do I need the life vest?

    Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.

  • What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?

    A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

  • What did the Jamaican man say when asked why he didn't mind going to jail for stealing the Pikachu card?

    I love the pokey, mon.

  • Who does Luke Skywalker ask to charge his lightsaber?

    Char-Jar Binks

  • How many Chinese men does it take to make a Smartphone?

    I dunno, ask the Kids.

  • What's your favorite kind of music?

    Asked one windmill to another. The windmill responds, "I'm a metal fan."

  • How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone?

    I dunno. Ask the kids.

  • When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?

    because you can never be too careful.

  • How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

    The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

  • What do you call an awkward questioner?

    I don't KNOW, that's why I **asked** you. God.

  • Whats the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger

  • How does R. Kelly respond when girls ask for a rating on a ten scale?


  • How can we build this?

    A business major asks, "How can we finance this " A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that "

  • How soon?

    the frail man asked, his body trembling at every word. "In ten." "Ten what Ten years Ten-" "Nine." "Eight."

  • What is it called when you ride around on a horse asking people questions?

    A gallop poll.

  • How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

    Ask them to say the word, "unionized".

  • What State do you go to to ask questions?


  • Why aren't you studying, Billy?

    Billy's Mom asked him, "Well, why aren't you studying, Billy? You have an exam tomorrow!" Billy said, "Because I've already Reddit thrice."

  • When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?

    Then I frown & order the soup.

  • What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

    He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

  • Where are the raisins today?

    A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

  • How did the mystic respond when asked what he's doing tonight?

    Your mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  • What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

    Ask your dad.

  • What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

  • What are my choices?

    he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

  • What did little Paul Bunyan say when his mom asked him how he damaged his favorite toy?

    It was an ax-I-dent.

  • What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay?

    I ain't no snitch.

  • What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice cream?

    Sure, Bert!

  • Why do people always ask me for directions?

    I have no clue where I am going. I am sure i have sent 100's of people into the ocean.

  • What's the best way to milk a sheep?

    Ask Apple.

  • What did the Native American pirate say when asked his heritage?

    Arrrrrr Metis!

  • What does the sterile man say when asked if he's gonna get neutered?

    Vas the deferens?

  • How do you make stupid children?

    I don't know, ask your parents.

  • How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair?

    Asking because Spider-Man... I mean... Just asking.

  • What is the worst way to ask for a cigarette in San Francisco?

    You got a fag I can bum?"

  • Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

    A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

  • How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?

    When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

  • Why did the Band Geek ask the Football star for tips?

    Because he's a waiter. (lol)

  • What did Picard say when Riker asked him what kind of Chinese food he wanted?

    Make it Tso's Number One."

  • What did Anakin say when the princess asked for his credit card?


  • What hotel does Link always ask for?


  • What's the matter?

    I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer " "No, dyslexia."

  • How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life?

    Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.

  • What did the Canadian eel say when the bartender asked him if he'd had enough?

    No, I think I'd like some more-ay.

  • What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him in for dinner?

    No thanks, I'm stuffed."

  • What did the Mexican princess ask her sister?

    Tijuana build a snowman

  • Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

    They won't stop to ask for directions.

  • How does Sean Connery ask for Worchestershire sauce?

    x-post from askreddit) Worsheshershershosh.

  • What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

    Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

  • Where have you been?

    he asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."

  • Whats the worst part of locking your keys in your car at an abortion clinic parking lot?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger.

  • How do you keep a group of women from talking?

    Ask the oldest one to speak first.

  • Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?

    Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

  • How many flys does it to take screw in a lightbulb?

    Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

  • What does aerosmith say when someone asks them for directions?

    Walk this way

  • Why did the Arabic man ask for her hand in marriage?

    Because she stole his heart

  • What's the difference between an Elephant and a post box?

    Well, if you don't know I'm definitely not asking you to mail this letter for me.

  • What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

    Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

  • How do you know he's a peeping tom?

    Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

  • What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

    He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."

  • How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?

    Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on... " "I don't even OWN a TV!"

  • Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan?

    Because if they are they'll tell you, and if they aren't you don't want to insult them.

  • What does the scientist say when asked if Invisibility Cloak will be applicated by the military?

    Yes, but you won't see it any time soon.

  • Why are you so excited?

    the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc this is my first operation." "Really It's mine too and I am not excited at all."

  • What's a magazine?

    asked every guy under 30.

  • How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

    asking for a friend

  • What did the couch surfing, yoga junkie say when his friend asked him to leave?


  • What did the potato ask the cow?

    Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.

  • How would you handle a complaint from a customer?

    Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint? Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed. Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section.

  • How does the blind man know when to stop wiping his arse?

    I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

  • When asked to provide proof that he had cirrhosis, what did OP do?

    OP de-livered.

  • What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party?


  • When she approached my car window I asked what's wrong officer?

    She said "ugh nothing!"

  • What did the bunny ask his boss for?

    A raise in *celery*.

  • Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup?

    Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!

  • Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

    Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

  • What ringtone have you got?

    Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got " Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown

  • What did the ocean ask the scooba diver?

    Water you doing here

  • When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

    She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

  • What's so funny?

    asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

  • A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

    Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"

  • Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

    Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask )

  • What did the banana peel say when asked what happens after it's thrown into the compost pile?

    IDK, i'm just a banana.

  • What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early?


  • How did Stevie Wonder respond when asked how he coped with being blind?

    At least I'm not black.

  • How can you ask a Mexican if their zodiac sign is leo?


  • What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

    Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

  • What kind of sandwich is this?

    She asks. "It cheese ma."

  • What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation?

    Where my dogs at?

  • What does Ron Howard ask before watersports?

    You down with Opie pee

  • What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?

    Anne hath a way."

  • How's life?

    she asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."

  • What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink?

    The ninja replies with "Wata!"

  • Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?

    Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.

  • How do you spell ichael?

    The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

  • What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice-cream?

    Sure, Bert!

  • How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

    Ask them if they play league.

  • Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?

    A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know " whenever you ask them a question.

  • How do Japanese people ask for rice?


  • Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex?

    Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

  • What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness?

    Nobody asks, 'who's there ' when you try and tell a knock knock joke.

  • What did my roommate say when I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie The usual Suspects?

    Is it about black people

  • Where am I?


  • How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb?

    One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it !

  • How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch?

    Tea, Rex?"

  • Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

    Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

  • Why Isn't The Media Covering This?

    the media asks other media, peering into its media mirror, media-ing before a day of media in media.

  • What did one Melon say to the other after it was asked marry it?

    We Can't Alope

  • How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

    Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**

  • What's the worst thing about...?

    getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger. *Yet another Australian pub joke*

  • What will it be?

    asks the bartender. "ATCGGCAGGCTTCAGTTGCA" says the DNA molecule.

  • When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

    I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......

  • Why are you always tired, Dad?

    my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

  • What did Jared say when the girl asked him for a footlong?

    That he only has a 6 inch.

  • How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking?

    Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time.

  • What did baby corn asked mummy corn?

    Where's popcorn.

  • What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

    Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

  • When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

    I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

  • How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette?

    Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.

  • When asked which is more important looks or brains?

    9 out of 10 zombies said "braaaaiiiiinnnnssss" number 10 ate the researcher.

  • What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit?

    When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is "eeeeuuuuuuu"

  • Why did the wizard ask a pretty chick to throw a heavy box on him ?

    Not just the hard on............ it would've made him more flexible

  • What is the first question you ask a baby cow, after its gotten over an illness?

    How are you vealing?

  • What light through yonder window breaks?

    ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.

  • What can happen when a car breaks down?

    A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

  • What do you calla brown guy that asks a lot of question?

    A curry-ous guy

  • What's with Jane ?

    It doesn't look good" "Yeah, I know, I'm asking about her health"

  • Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

    Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

  • What do you get when you mix Fascism and Communism?

    I don't know, that's why I was asking you.

  • What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

    A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)

  • How do you spell elephant ?

    E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t "That's not how the dictionary spells it" "You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it !"

  • What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?

    No, thanks, it's just carrion...

  • What was Ryu's response when someone asked if they could have his autograph?

    Sure you can!"

  • What did the doctor say to the angry midget?

    I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."

  • How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

    Ask them to pronounce unionized.

  • When he grow up, he will ask me, "Dad, did you name me after a planet?

    And i will be like, "No:("

  • What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

    Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

  • What did the large furry mammal say when the salamander who kept asking for favors went too far?

    I can't bear it! You axolotl of me this time!

  • Which side is it best to lie on?

    she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

  • What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked?

    He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over"

  • What is she doing?

    the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."

  • What did the mailman ask his girlfriend?

    Will you envelope with me? (I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)

  • Why did the stupid racing car driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix?

    He was asking for directions.

  • What did Abe Lincoln say to the judge when he asked how he pleas?

    I'm in a cent.

  • How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just one, but they'll ask for $15 an hour.

  • Why don't you play with your friends?

    he asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'

  • How do you get three drunk, rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

    Ask them to get out of the pool.

  • What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower?

    Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.

  • What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

    A philosophy student asks you you want fries with that

  • When Lil John goes to a hotel and they ask him if he wants turn down service, does he refuse?

    That's all.

  • How many women have you slept with?

    she asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten " "Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed. I said, "0."

  • What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help?

    Bro sure!

  • What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

    Do you want to be black, or white

  • What laxative did the constipated man ask for?


  • What's the difference ?

    What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!

  • What does the man with two left feet ask the shoe salesman?

    Do you sell flip-flips?"

  • What do Mexicans cut their pizza with?

    I asked, "What " He said, "Little Caesars!"

  • What are they gonna do?

    Ask you to extinguish your celery Doubtful.

  • What did the German small intestine say when you asked him if he would go to the party?

    Vill i

  • When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work?

    Are there any side effects ' No, it's Can I drink with these '

  • What's the worst part of locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

  • Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?

    Because his watch has ended.

  • Why are we running so fast?

    asked one. "Because" said the second "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"

  • What do you ask a Mexican girl you like?

    Netflix and chili

  • What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?

    Four whore and seven beers ago....

  • How did the coprophilic marine respond when asked what the most important thing in life was?

    Duty. Honor.

  • What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

    Nah brah, tadah brah!

  • What's the bad news?

    Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

  • What would you guys like to ask an American?

    Nevermind they'll just tell you anyway

  • How to tell if someone has Rhotacism?

    Ask them to pronounce it.

  • How was work?

    flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast" me:Good

  • What position makes the ugliest children?

    Ask your parents

  • What did the pot-smoking alien say when asked what toppings he wanted on his sammich?

    Ayy lil' mayo.

  • Why did the stutterer get shot in the ghetto?

    He was asking for directions for the "k-k-k-mart."

  • What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

    I D K"

  • What did the man say when he realized the boy who asked him out was an orphan?

    No home oh

  • What do you get if you ask a bear to spare some of his salmon?

    The Bear Glare.

  • What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

    Would you like ketchup with your chips

  • What do you get if you cross goat DNA with human DNA?

    I don't know, ask the Arabs!

  • What are we going to do when we see it?

    she asks. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

  • How do you ask for a cigarette in spain?

    Tapas a snout!

  • What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?

    Watson the menu

  • How do I do that?

    he asked. "Carefully" replied the vet.

  • What are we waiting for?

    the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

  • What is the difference between a 3D modeller and a gamer?

    Ask them what a 3Ds is.

  • How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

  • Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

    I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup " So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

  • When you go to a regular movie, a friend asks you "so how good was the movie?

    When you go to an M.night Shamylan movie a friend asks " So how bad was the plot twist "

  • What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?

    Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

  • Why the sad face?

    asks the bartender. "I got fired."

  • What would you do if you won the lottery?

    Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

  • What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car, outside of a planned parenthood center?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coat-hanger.

  • How does a road reply when you ask it how work is going?

    It's tiring.

  • Why did the college student ask for a refund on his student loan?

    Because his *degree* didn't work!

  • What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?

    Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"

  • What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

    Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

  • How do I know he was French, do you ask?

    He went oui, oui.

  • What did Joe Hill say when someone asked if he was Joe King?

    No, I'm dead serious."

  • Why is grandpa fine with performing tricks, but gets mad if you ask grandma?

    It took him forever to get her off that street corner.

  • What did the wall ask the picture?

    All together now!) ***"How's it hangin' "*** Skip

  • What's the difference between a preschool and a terrorist training camp?

    Don't ask me...I just fly the drones!

  • What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over?

    Because I saw so."

  • What have you been doing" asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?

    said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"

  • When you ask a girl, Wanna go to the gym with me? v=rQegAi6d-MM

  • What would she do for $20?

    Wasn't there a joke before posted about asking what a girl would do for $20 or something A dirty joke I'm trying to find it but I can't....

  • What should I wear?

    Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."

  • What did the US President with Alzheimer's ask his wife?

    Who are you

  • What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?

    the woman asks her husband. "Keep sending them!"

  • Why wouldn't you ask the zebra for music advice?

    Because he only knows about The White Stripes.

  • How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

    You ask them to pronounce unionize.

  • Why so glum Chum?

    asked the kindly stranger. "If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister "

  • Who did the philosophy major ask out for the Halloween dance?

    Nobody. He was too 'Freud.

  • What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?

    Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit !

  • What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject?

    The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."

  • How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber?

    Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.

  • What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday?

    No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.

  • How many babies does it take to stop a puck?

    Ask Subban from the Hans to find out

  • What did the racist ask Santa for?

    A white Christmas.

  • What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

    Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

  • What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car next to an abortion clinic?

    Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.

  • What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

    I don't know

  • What are the similarities between feminists and hobos?

    They both ask for change and never get any.

  • Why is it best to ask photographers personal questions at night?

    X-post r/photography) Because they open up when it gets dark.

  • A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

    'Can I join you?'

  • How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

    If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

  • What did Josh say when asked if his sister was good in bed?

    I Duggar."

  • Why do so few men end up in Heaven?

    They never stop to ask directions.

  • Why Won't Anyone Tell me the Name of Ukraine's 5th Largest City?

    They keep telling me to stop asking...

  • How'd ya get that?

    asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town " he asked. "So did I!" she said.

  • Whats worse than Bad command or File name?

    Windows update message asking you to restart your computer

  • When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

    Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

  • What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?

    A Chihuahua because it knows all the shortcuts!

  • When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?

    answer "Scissors." then drive away..

  • What did one atom say to the other?

    I lost an electron..." The other atom asks "Are you sure " First atom replies, "I'm positive!"

  • What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

    It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

  • How do you feel?

    Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

  • Who's winning Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game. "What's the score Gramps?

    92 to 86." "Who's winning " I asked. "92"

  • How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?

    A: Tea Rex

  • What's wrong with them?

    his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

  • How, you ask?

    I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff.

  • What's the easiest way to end a friendship?

    Just asking for a friend

  • What did one bodybuilder ask the other?

    How much do you whey bro

  • When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?

    is unwise, apparently.

  • What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave?


  • Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?

    Because it is below C level.

  • What's the difference between Pizza and your opinion?

    I asked for Pizza #KingOfjokes

  • What does a dirty hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch?


  • What did she say about me?

    Friend: She said you ask too many questions Me: She said that Too many questions Really Me ...What else

  • Who likes music?

    asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

  • When people say "May I ask who's calling?

    I like to say "Sure, go ahead."

  • Which is farther away- NY City or the moon?

    Sister: NY City. Why do ask Brother: Well I can see the moon but I can't see NY City.

  • What did one ovary say to the other one?

    What did one ovary say to the other one? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

  • Why do old people read the bible so much?

    I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

  • What's the first thing the pope did after resigning?

    Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.

  • What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

    Two fingers.

  • Why do you need a door then?

    I asked him.

  • How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

  • What did the scarecrow say when asked about his job?

    This job isn't for everyone, but's in my jeans"

  • What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

    An algorithm.

  • What did the kid ask the Pirate?

    Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"

  • How long have you had this problem?

    the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

  • What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

    6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

  • Why did Yoda never get married?

    Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife " His response was "Do I "

  • Why does internet explorer ask so many questions?

    Because it's insecure. It has trust issues.

  • Who currently provides your Internet?

    he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."

  • What do you ask a Jamaican who's baking a cake?

    Hey, are you Jamaican a cake?

  • What mistake did the chronometer make while it was getting along well with the digital watch?

    It asked the digital watch for its hand in marriage.

  • How many plug-in air fresheners does it take to mask the decay of human flesh?

    I'm asking for for a friend.

  • What did the pirate say when asked how old he was?

    Aye Matey!

  • What do I owe ya?

    asks the neutron. "For you No charge."

  • When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?

    I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

  • What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five?

    You leave him hanging....

  • What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot?


  • When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

    you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke

  • What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

    TB or not TB, that is the question.

  • What's your favourite Pixar film?

    Up, yours " "No need to be like that I was only asking"

  • When you wife asked you to buy her car, why did you buy her a diamond instead?

    Because I couldn't find a fake car."

  • Why was Gollum executed at a bar in Iraq?

    Because he asked for Ice-es

  • Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

    I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

  • Why do baseball pitches make bad doctors?

    Because when asked to 'give it to them straight', they throw a curveball!

  • What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?

    Nah. I'ma stay.

  • How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

    Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....

  • How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?

    Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.

  • What are some good Asian jokes you know?

    I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

  • What would you say is your biggest flaw?

    i step in in people's conversations" "i was asking *him*"

  • What happens when u ask a fake logic fan... What is your favorite logic album?

    Their response Flexicution

  • What happened to you?

    the doctor asks. "I stepped on something."

  • How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Change it to what

  • Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store?

    Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!

  • What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

    I'll be Bach.

  • What do you do when your Apple device gets warm?

    Ask apple to open the backdoor.

  • How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

    Ask him/her to pronounce unionized

  • Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff?

    Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

  • When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?

    I'm funny that way.

  • When Does This White Privilege Thing Kick In?

    Do I have to ask them to resend the authentication email, update my address or do I have to go to my local white privilege depot to request the trial edition of white privilege before I get the real thing?

  • How do you ask a Northerner if they are of noble descent?

    Arya Stark?

  • How can you tell if a girl is under 18?

    Ask her if she is a Bernie Sanders supporter.

  • What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?

    Check, mate!

  • How did Paul, the octopus, originally die?

    Torres went and asked Paul proudly, "How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup " Paul died laughing.

  • What's worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic?

    Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger

  • How'd you get that cut above your eye?

    Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

  • When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?

    Will I be pretty Will I be rich Here's what she said to me No

  • How can I buy the New York Times?

    He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

  • What did the homeless man say to the woman who asked if he wanted 20$?


  • What made the vampire a gentlemen?

    They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.

  • What're you here for?

    asks the desk lady. "I'm addicted to quack."

  • How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

    he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

  • What's wrong with these eggs I ordered?

    Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.

  • What's the best way to get a youthful figure?

    ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

  • What's this for?

    He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

  • How did the prof get the latin college girl pregnant?

    He asked her to do an essay. Also, I'm latin

  • What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?


  • Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out?

    He was already taking out a tooth

  • What's he like?

    asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."

  • How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

    He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

  • What did the Shetland Pony say when asked if his cough had cleared up?

    Yes, thanks, but I'm still a little horse."

  • What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house?

    I don't know.. I just don't see it.

  • Why is PBS asking me for money?

    If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.

  • What did the Morman say when asked what kind of wives he wanted?

    Brigham Young"

  • How do you get a Canadian to pay you back?

    You ask.

  • Why ever not?

    The teacher doesn't know a thing all she does is ask questions!

  • How did you get here?

    he asked. And the new angel replied "Flu..."

  • What's the best/worst dirty joke you know?

    In honor of the recent joke trends I ask you what is the dirtiest joke you know?

  • How many pixies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

  • Why did the army's craftsman enact a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy?

    He didn't want any glaze in the military

  • Why aren't you married yet" is like asking "Why haven't you jumped from a moving car yet?

    B/c it's painful and not required

  • What's the difference between toilet paper and a knife?

    Oh, you don't know I won't ask you to wipe my bum then.

  • What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

    What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

  • Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

    God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

  • What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough?

    He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.

  • How can you tell?

    asked Mrs Jones "He just asked me if Cialis is right for him"

  • What is the most common question asked by iPhone users?

    Does anyone have a charger I could use "

  • What do call an old man that asks questions?

    Pop Quiz

  • How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Why are you asking me that question Can't you see I'm busy!

  • What do you get when you ask for a Roman pinch hitter?

    An Italian sub!

  • What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?

    asks his wife. "31 black"

  • Why are you crying Ted ?

    asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

  • What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?

    Nah I'ma stay"

  • How did Kanye West ask Kim Kardashian to marry him ??

    will i marry you?"

  • How the hell did you get a body like that?

    he asked. "Thanks," I said, "That's very flattering." He said, "Not really mate."

  • What did the kleptomaniacal compulsive liar say when his beekeeper friend asked him what he was running away with?

    None of your beeswax!"

  • What did the Canadian say when asked what he thought about stereotypes?


  • What did Bill Cosby say when he was asked about the child abuse claims?

    Kids say the darnedest things.

  • When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?

    To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."

  • What should you do if a bird poos on your car?

    Don't ask her out again

  • What are these?

    Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.

  • What did one fish ask the other?

    So how do you drive this thing

  • What Did MLK Say When Asked If He Suffered From Jock Itch?

    I have a cream.

  • How many reps would you usually do?

    he asked. "A million," I rep lied.

  • Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

    and I have few friends in real life.

  • What about a nice cream pie?

    She asked. "Except that." I replied.

  • Why don't you ask about the home life of a filing cabinet?

    It's usually a sorted affair.

  • What's worse than locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic?

    Going in and asking for a coat hanger.

  • When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?

    it's a rhetorical question I know this now

  • What did the hippie say when I asked him to leave my house?

    Nah, I'm-a stay.

  • What is wrong with me?

    Asking for a friend..

  • How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ?

    Voodoo like to dance with me '

  • When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

    Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

  • What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

    Asking for my two year old.

  • When you talk to a good girl, ask 'How are you?

    When you talk to a bad girl, ask 'How much are you '

  • When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte?

    Just say "I don't know, make something up"

  • What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?

    Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.

  • What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?

    O.K. you asked for it" the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.

  • How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

    Ask Hugh Hefner.

  • What do you get if you put four economists in a white room and ask them what colour the walls are?

    Four different answers

  • Why did you leave us so early?

    He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.

  • How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Why are you asking me that question Can't you see I'm busy!

  • Who's there *The Kgb *The kgb who?

    Slaps person) we will ask the questions.

  • How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Look ask me when I get back from India okay

  • What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe?

    I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank

  • What's the worst question you can ask a blind date?

    So.. you seeing anyone "

  • What did the Headless Horseman ask his colleague at Bad Guys Inc.?

    What do I have to do to get ahead around here?

  • When asked "why?

    he replied, "Tropical Depression."

  • Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?

    and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

  • How do deaf people meet online?

    Simple, they just ask "ASL?"

  • How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.

  • How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them?

    Like, did you ask him Because only one of us is screaming right now.

  • What did the hippie say when he was asked to leave the couch he was sleeping/staying on?

    Namast (nah-ima-stay)

  • What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

    asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

  • What a BLONDE will ask the doctor in the maternity ward?

    A: "Is it mine "

  • What is Blair Walsh's favorite song?

    I have no idea honestly, you would have to ask him

  • How Do You Start a Flood?

    An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

  • Where can you go on Reddit to ask questions?

    Not /r/movies.

  • What do you think you're doing?

    the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... "writing an ese"

  • What did the racist surfer say when asked about hanging a black man?

    Hang ten dude!!

  • How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

    I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

  • What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

    Of course, I'm shuriken.

  • What's the difference between a tuna a piano and a pot of glue..?

    You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna What about the pot of glue reddit will ask. Hahahahaha I knew you'd get stuck there

  • When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

    And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

  • Why dad?

    he asks. Because my arm is getting tired

  • How do you reply when someone on /r/askscience asks you on a date?


  • When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?

    The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

  • How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them?

    Don't worry they'll tell you

  • What did the depressed, illiterate pepperoni slice say when asked where he was with his life?

    Well it pizza heck out of me.

  • How do you fire a Chinese cook?

    Ask him to take wok.

  • What would you like?

    ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

  • What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

    I'm just asking for a friend)

  • What did the one electron say to the other when it asked it out on a date?

    Get outta here, I'm not attracted to you!

  • Why you ask?

    If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot