Atheist Jokes

  • Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

    They don't believe in higher powers.

  • How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    I don't know, they're all too busy complaining about this joke.

  • What can both Christians and Atheists agree on about Jesus?

    Kanye's not him.

  • What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?

    Someone who shows up to your door for no reason.

  • Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro?

    They don't believe in higher power.

  • How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

    Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

  • What do you get if you cross a Green Lantern, a car and an atheist?

    Willing suspension of disbelief.

  • How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape so Christians can't claim God did it.

  • What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

    An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

  • Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

    Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

  • Why are atheists so dumb?

    Because if they were smart, they'd be theists!

  • What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?

    Someone knocking at your door for no apparent reason.

  • How does an atheist start their prayers?

    To Whom It May Concern

  • Why does God love atheists?

    Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.

  • Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers

  • Where do atheists donate their money?

    Non Prophet Organizations

  • How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

  • What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?

    All dressed up, with no place to go.

  • What do you call an Atheist at a Christian fancy dress party?

    A cross-dresser.

  • Why can't atheists solve exponential problems?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • Why did the atheist fail algebra?

    He didn't believe in higher powers!

  • How can you tell someone's an atheist?

    You can't. They'll always tell you first.

  • What does the atheist say when he arrives at the Pearly Gates?

    I'll be goddamned.

  • Whats the Difference between an Atheist, a Christian and a Dog?

    DogMa

  • Why can't atheist solve exponential problems?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • Why don't atheists use exponents?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • Why did the atheist go to church?

    To use the Pokestop.

  • What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

    Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

  • How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. They don't believe in a higher power.

  • What did the atheist say when he saw Jesus?

    I can't believe this. What did he tell his atheist friend? You won't believe this.

  • What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

    Well I'll be damned!

  • What do you get by cross-breeding a jehovahs witness and an atheist?

    Someone who pointlessly knocks on the door.

  • What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian?

    An argument

  • What do you get if you breed a Green Lantern, a car and an atheist?

    Willing suspension of disbelief

  • How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

  • How can you tell someone is a vegan, cross fitter, or an atheist?

    alt) Make a joke about them, and then they'll get real offended.

  • How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape so Christians can't claim God did it.

  • What do you call an atheist who no longer worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

    A-pasta-ate.

  • Why are atheists afraid of exponents?

    They don't believe in a higher power.

  • Why Can't Atheists Solve Exponential Equations?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • What is so ironic about Atheists?

    A: they're always talking about God.

  • Why are all Atheists poor?

    Because Atheism is a not for-prophet organization.

  • What's the best name for an atheist?

    Godfrey

  • Why are atheists poor?

    because its a non-prophet organisation.

  • How does a religious extremist convert an atheist into a holy man?

    They use a machine gun.

  • How Can Atheists Make Money, and Get Free Food?

    By working at an abortion clinic. Or an orphanage.