What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?
A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands. A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
I went through a wormhole." Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?
Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.
Why do golf commentators speak softly?
To not wake the audience.
Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?
He couldn't handle his boos.
How did I know my joke was not alright with my audience?
They all left.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."?
No one should be that happy.
How does Times Square start the new year?
By having Mariah Carey drop the ball! "The audience can sing this one."
What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?
They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.