Bar Jokes

  • What do ghosts order at the bar?


  • How did the Ethiopian escape prison?

    He squeezed through the bars.

  • What'll you have?

    A tachyon walks into a bar.

  • Why did the chord get kicked out of the bar?

    Because he was Aminor

  • Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?

    Because they had no bars on their cells!

  • What happens when a bull and a horse go to a bar?

    They get BUCKED up!

  • Why was the gymnast disqualified?

    He walked into a bar.

  • What is the most offensive joke you know?

    I'm bored tonight and I have a no holds barred sense of humour. What are some of your worst

  • A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

    'Can I join you?'

  • Why did the ghosts haunt the bar?

    For the boos.

  • How can a law student make it?

    lowering the bar. or not to.

  • Why did the horse run into the bar?

    He didn't jump high enough.

  • What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

    Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

  • What do a woman and a bar have in common?

    Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

  • Why did the chicken walk into the bar?

    To screw in the lightbulb.

  • What did the horse order at the bar?


  • What professional hates going to the bar?

    A lawyer

  • How does an international banker have a good Friday night?

    He goes to a bar and slips somebody a Rupee, then gives them a Franc and some Deutsche Marks.

  • What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

    OH SNaP!

  • Why the long face ?

    A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: why the long face ? Horse: because I'm a raging alcoholic.

  • Why do we keep putting criminals behind bars?

    putting criminals behind bars seems like a bad idea once you consider all the alcohol they're now next to

  • What did the deaf bug order at the bar?

    A Bee-Ear

  • A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

    Pop,goes the weasel.

  • Why did Snake walk into the bar?

    Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.

  • Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring?

    The referee said he wanted a clean fight. :D

  • What does Light Yagami drink at the bar?


  • How to be part of a joke?

    One must simply walk into a bar

  • Two guys walk into a bar . . .

    The first guy says "Ouch!" and the second says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."

  • What do you call an attractive bee who goes to bars?

    A bar-bee!

  • What's black and always behind bars?

    Guinness (You bunch of racists)

  • Why did the goal post get angry ?

    Because the bar was rattled !

  • Where do twin lesbians party?

    Klondike Bar

  • Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar?

    Because he was sheet faced.

  • What do horses drink at the bar?


  • Where did AT&T get their 2007 slogan?

    Ireland: More bars in more places

  • Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican?

    Under a bar of soap.

  • What is the difference between a hog and a man?

    A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

  • Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?

    So he could save his stool.

  • Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?

    Because they had no bars on their cells!

  • What did Harry Potter order when he went to the bar?


  • What kind of bars do lesbian Eskimos go to?

    Klondike Bars

  • What does Harry Potter say when he walks into a bar?

    I Expectsum Patronum

  • What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap?

    He said "Sure! I could loan some Dove".

  • What did the man say when he walked into a bar?


  • How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?

    Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.

  • Who's been screwing my wife?

    A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo, mate!"

  • Why did the director get kicked out of the bar?

    He was making a scene!

  • A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...

    I'm sorry, we don't serve food here

  • Why don't anti-vaxxers hang out in bars?

    They're afraid of the shots.

  • Why is a train a bad person to go to the bar with?

    Because all he says is "Chug Chug Chug"

  • Why couldn't the chord get into the bar?

    She was A minor.

  • What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?

    Weight for it...

  • Why did the ghost go to the bar?

    For the BOOOOze.

  • How is a woman like a bar?

    Liquor in the front, poker in the back ( )

  • What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?

    Let Meowt!!!!"

  • What do you call a bar in Star Wars?

    A space bar.

  • How can you tell when a bar is haunted?

    It's full of Boo's and Spirits.

  • What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

    The fun guy

  • What do you call a guy who refuses to serve people from Finland at his bar?

    A man with unfinnished buisness.

  • Why was Gollum executed at a bar in Iraq?

    Because he asked for Ice-es

  • Why did the 3 men go in to the bar?

    To get drunk

  • What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

    Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"

  • Why did the nun always go to the same bar?


  • Why are law students known for drinking?

    They are getting ready for the Bar exam.

  • Why couldn't the pickle leave the bar?

    Because the door was ajar!

  • How do you make the hippie run out of money?

    You hide daddies credit card under a bar of soap.

  • Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?

    He was expecting showers.

  • What do narcoleptic people drink in bars?


  • Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

    ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

  • What's the easiest sport to get into?

    Limbo. They don't set the bar very high.

  • Why did the dog's friends send her home from the bar when she started to act strange?

    They thought she might have been slipped a woofie.

  • How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

    You have to read ursine.

  • What did the bartender say to the gold when the gold walked into a bar?

    AU, get outta here!"

  • A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

    Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"

  • Why did a seal go to the bar?

    Because he didn't want to go clubbing.

  • Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?

    He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.

  • What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him?

    He got him diss barred.

  • What two games does Carl Sagan play at the bar?

    Billiards and Billiards

  • What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?

    Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.

  • How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?

    A: Throw in a bar of soap.

  • Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

    They can never get past the bar.

  • Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

    She heard drinks were on the house.

  • What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

    They both plat no more.

  • What is a long distance love?

    It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

  • What did Bea Arthur whisper in her lover's ear?

    An elaborate fantasy in which she is in prison and tries to escape by chewing through the bars of her cell.

  • What's a rabbi's favorite type of bar?

    It's sure as hell not a bar-mitzvah, those things are expensive.

  • Why didn't the Mexican take Xanax?

    He was barred.

  • What's the smallest drink you can order at a bar?

    A mar tiny.

  • What's the difference between drunk people and black people?

    Drunk people are found bars. Black people are found them.

  • Why did the black man walk into a bar?

    Because the cell door was still locked.

  • What did the scientist say at the bar?

    I'd like some H20 please.

  • What do you call it when a Physics Teacher throws a bar of chocolate at you?

    Brownian Motion

  • Why don't they have bars in Syria?

    Because, they prefer to get bombed at home.

  • What kind of bar do fish go to?

    A sand bar.

  • Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache?

    Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."

  • What would Triple H and Jenna Jameson's adult film be called?

    The Piledriver: No Holes Barred

  • Why did the emo kid leave the bar?

    It was happy hour.

  • What did the super spy polyatomic ion say when he walked into the bar?

    The name's Bond, Covalent Bond

  • What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?

    I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there

  • How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

    He was hammered.

  • Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

    She heard that the drinks were on the house.

  • Why is the topmost floor the best place to drink in?

    That's how you set the bar high.

  • A termite walks into a bar and says...

    'Where is the bar tended?'

  • Why don't bars in London have Happy Hour?

    They're in Greenwich Mean Time.

  • What does a Seal drink at a bar?

    Anything but Canadian Club..

  • What does the man say when he walks into the bar?

    Can I please get a drink "

  • Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?

    Because you need to be 21 to get in.

  • Why were the Seven Dwarfs kicked out of the bar?

    Because they were Miners... XD

  • What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?

    A: Ok you 2 dont start anything

  • Why did the rabbi walk into the bar?

    Because he likes oldfashioned jokes.

  • What do you call a party thrown by a Terrorist at a bar on a hot day in Hawaii?


  • What did the frog say when he walked into the bar?


  • What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac?

    One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.

  • Where did AT&T get their 2007 slogan?

    Ireland: More bars in more places

  • What's worse than a Redditor walking into a bar?

    The Holocaust.

  • What did the horse say when it walked into the bar?


  • What do you use to buy drinks?

    Bar tender

  • What the hell is a mango doing in a bar?

    But chessy but gets a good giggle :D

  • What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?

    I don't know.

  • How much did Harambe drink in the bar?

    Just a couple of shots

  • Why was Mel Gibson in a bar at 9am?

    He overslept.