Bar Jokes
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What do ghosts order at the bar?
Sam-BOO!-ca
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How did the Ethiopian escape prison?
He squeezed through the bars.
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What'll you have?
A tachyon walks into a bar.
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Why did the chord get kicked out of the bar?
Because he was Aminor
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Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?
Because they had no bars on their cells!
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What happens when a bull and a horse go to a bar?
They get BUCKED up!
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Why was the gymnast disqualified?
He walked into a bar.
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What is the most offensive joke you know?
I'm bored tonight and I have a no holds barred sense of humour. What are some of your worst
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A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...
'Can I join you?'
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Why did the ghosts haunt the bar?
For the boos.
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How can a law student make it?
lowering the bar. or not to.
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Why did the horse run into the bar?
He didn't jump high enough.
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What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?
Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."
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What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
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Why did the chicken walk into the bar?
To screw in the lightbulb.
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What did the horse order at the bar?
Chardaneiiiiiiggghhhhh
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What professional hates going to the bar?
A lawyer
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How does an international banker have a good Friday night?
He goes to a bar and slips somebody a Rupee, then gives them a Franc and some Deutsche Marks.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?
OH SNaP!
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Why the long face ?
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: why the long face ? Horse: because I'm a raging alcoholic.
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Why do we keep putting criminals behind bars?
putting criminals behind bars seems like a bad idea once you consider all the alcohol they're now next to
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What did the deaf bug order at the bar?
A Bee-Ear
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
Pop,goes the weasel.
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Why did Snake walk into the bar?
Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.
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Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring?
The referee said he wanted a clean fight. :D
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What does Light Yagami drink at the bar?
Tekira!
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How to be part of a joke?
One must simply walk into a bar
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Two guys walk into a bar . . .
The first guy says "Ouch!" and the second says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."
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What do you call an attractive bee who goes to bars?
A bar-bee!
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What's black and always behind bars?
Guinness (You bunch of racists)
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Why did the goal post get angry ?
Because the bar was rattled !
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Where do twin lesbians party?
Klondike Bar
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Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar?
Because he was sheet faced.
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What do horses drink at the bar?
Chardon-neigh
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Where did AT&T get their 2007 slogan?
Ireland: More bars in more places
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Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican?
Under a bar of soap.
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What is the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.
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Why did the man wear a diaper to the bar?
So he could save his stool.
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Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape?
Because they had no bars on their cells!
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What did Harry Potter order when he went to the bar?
Expecto-Patron-On-Ice
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What kind of bars do lesbian Eskimos go to?
Klondike Bars
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What does Harry Potter say when he walks into a bar?
I Expectsum Patronum
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What did Larry McMurtry say when his neighbor asked to borrow a bar of soap?
He said "Sure! I could loan some Dove".
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What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
Ouch!"
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How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?
Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.
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Who's been screwing my wife?
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo, mate!"
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Why did the director get kicked out of the bar?
He was making a scene!
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A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here
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Why don't anti-vaxxers hang out in bars?
They're afraid of the shots.
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Why is a train a bad person to go to the bar with?
Because all he says is "Chug Chug Chug"
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Why couldn't the chord get into the bar?
She was A minor.
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What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?
Weight for it...
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Why did the ghost go to the bar?
For the BOOOOze.
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How is a woman like a bar?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back ( )
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What did the cat say when it was wrongfully accused of a crime and sent behind bars?
Let Meowt!!!!"
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What do you call a bar in Star Wars?
A space bar.
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How can you tell when a bar is haunted?
It's full of Boo's and Spirits.
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?
The fun guy
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What do you call a guy who refuses to serve people from Finland at his bar?
A man with unfinnished buisness.
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Why was Gollum executed at a bar in Iraq?
Because he asked for Ice-es
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Why did the 3 men go in to the bar?
To get drunk
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What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?
Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"
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Why did the nun always go to the same bar?
Habit
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Why are law students known for drinking?
They are getting ready for the Bar exam.
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Why couldn't the pickle leave the bar?
Because the door was ajar!
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How do you make the hippie run out of money?
You hide daddies credit card under a bar of soap.
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Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?
He was expecting showers.
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What do narcoleptic people drink in bars?
BoozZzZzZzZzZzZ
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Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?
ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
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What's the easiest sport to get into?
Limbo. They don't set the bar very high.
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Why did the dog's friends send her home from the bar when she started to act strange?
They thought she might have been slipped a woofie.
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How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?
You have to read ursine.
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What did the bartender say to the gold when the gold walked into a bar?
AU, get outta here!"
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A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"
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Why did a seal go to the bar?
Because he didn't want to go clubbing.
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Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?
He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.
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What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him?
He got him diss barred.
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What two games does Carl Sagan play at the bar?
Billiards and Billiards
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What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?
Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.
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How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
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Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?
They can never get past the bar.
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Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard drinks were on the house.
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What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?
They both plat no more.
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What is a long distance love?
It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.
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What did Bea Arthur whisper in her lover's ear?
An elaborate fantasy in which she is in prison and tries to escape by chewing through the bars of her cell.
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What's a rabbi's favorite type of bar?
It's sure as hell not a bar-mitzvah, those things are expensive.
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Why didn't the Mexican take Xanax?
He was barred.
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What's the smallest drink you can order at a bar?
A mar tiny.
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What's the difference between drunk people and black people?
Drunk people are found bars. Black people are found them.
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Why did the black man walk into a bar?
Because the cell door was still locked.
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What did the scientist say at the bar?
I'd like some H20 please.
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What do you call it when a Physics Teacher throws a bar of chocolate at you?
Brownian Motion
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Why don't they have bars in Syria?
Because, they prefer to get bombed at home.
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What kind of bar do fish go to?
A sand bar.
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Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache?
Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."
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What would Triple H and Jenna Jameson's adult film be called?
The Piledriver: No Holes Barred
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Why did the emo kid leave the bar?
It was happy hour.
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What did the super spy polyatomic ion say when he walked into the bar?
The name's Bond, Covalent Bond
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What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?
I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there
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How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?
He was hammered.
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Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
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Why is the topmost floor the best place to drink in?
That's how you set the bar high.
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A termite walks into a bar and says...
'Where is the bar tended?'
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Why don't bars in London have Happy Hour?
They're in Greenwich Mean Time.
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What does a Seal drink at a bar?
Anything but Canadian Club..
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What does the man say when he walks into the bar?
Can I please get a drink "
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Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?
Because you need to be 21 to get in.
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Why were the Seven Dwarfs kicked out of the bar?
Because they were Miners... XD
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What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
A: Ok you 2 dont start anything
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Why did the rabbi walk into the bar?
Because he likes oldfashioned jokes.
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What do you call a party thrown by a Terrorist at a bar on a hot day in Hawaii?
A-lou-AK-bar.
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What did the frog say when he walked into the bar?
Bonjour.*
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What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac?
One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.
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Where did AT&T get their 2007 slogan?
Ireland: More bars in more places
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What's worse than a Redditor walking into a bar?
The Holocaust.
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What did the horse say when it walked into the bar?
ouch..."
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What do you use to buy drinks?
Bar tender
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What the hell is a mango doing in a bar?
But chessy but gets a good giggle :D
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What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?
I don't know.
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How much did Harambe drink in the bar?
Just a couple of shots
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Why was Mel Gibson in a bar at 9am?
He overslept.