Bear Jokes

  • What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear down from a tree?


  • Why do people wear sleeveless shirts?

    They like to express the right to bear arms.

  • What do you call a bear that's not drunk?


  • What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear?


  • What kind of medicine do bears take?

    Bayer Asprin

  • What has 4 legs but cant move?

    A child born in Chernobyl, duh.

  • Where do bears go after smoking some weed?


  • How do you get a job with Apple?

    Be born in China.

  • What do you call a bear who's just got too much darn cartilage?

    A gristly bear.

  • Why was Mohamed Ali born a fighter?

    In the womb, he used to fight bald clowns. (Self made joke)

  • Where do bears store their military weapons?

    In bearracks.

  • What do you call a bear that's been in the rain?

    A drizzly bear, of course

  • What do bears and women from Arkansas have in common?

    They can't stop licking their paws.

  • Why are bears so hairy ?

    They don't have salons in the jungle !

  • What did the famous musician say the moment he was born?


  • What did the bear do to be labeled a hipster?

    He hibernated in the summer.

  • What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear to go on a outing with you?


  • What's the difference between a tsunami and a bear?

    A tsunami doesn't care that you are faster than your buddy.

  • Why was the sterile Grizzly upset?

    Because he couldn't Bear children.

  • What do you call a slow-learner born the beginning of August?

    A leotard

  • Why does Jesus always leave a door open for you?

    Because he was born in a barn.

  • How was your day?

    Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers

  • What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?


  • What do you get if you ask a bear to spare some of his salmon?

    The Bear Glare.

  • Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?

    He wanted to go bear foot.

  • What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter?


  • What kind of wine do bears drink?


  • Why is it called Big Bang?

    Baby universe was born.

  • What kind of shoes do bears wear?

    None because they go barefoot.

  • How fast can a bear run?

    As fast as it can bear.

  • What does Rupert the Bear and Jack the Ripper have in common?

    Same middle name!

  • Why is Karl Marx a fan of the Galactic Empire?

    He was born ina 1818.

  • How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

    A: As many bears as Bear Grylls' grill can bear.

  • What was Cher doing before she was born?

    She was a preacher.

  • How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures?

    Someone is lying.

  • What do you call bears without ears?


  • Why do bears have fur coats ?

    Because they'd look stupid in anoraks !

  • What do you call bears with no ears?


  • What did a black twin called his brother before they're born?


  • What do you call a baby born in a whorehouse?

    A brothel sprout

  • What do you call children born of ginger people?


  • What kind of bear likes the rain?

    A drizzley bear.

  • What is a bear after it is 10 years old?

    11 years old.

  • What do bears get at raves?


  • What do you call children born in whore houses?

    Brothel sprouts...

  • What did the doctor say when a Chinese baby with down syndrome was born?

    Congratulations, you have a healthy new baby!

  • What would Mario's name be if he was born in Canada?

    Sorry-o And his brother: Luig-eh?

  • What do you call Figrin D'an's first born boy?

    Son of a Bith!

  • Where were you born?

    Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.

  • How about a dirty joke?

    the new born white duckling fell into the mud. the filthy, filthy mud.

  • Why do bears have hairy coats?

    Fur protection.

  • Why was Jesus not born in West Virginia?

    Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. Gf sent me this when she was driving through the state.

  • What did the large furry mammal say when the salamander who kept asking for favors went too far?

    I can't bear it! You axolotl of me this time!

  • What did the polar bear's wife say when she couldn't bear his tantrums any more?

    Bye bye bipolar polar bear

  • Why were the overly polite twins almost never born?

    After you." "No, after you."

  • What do you call a bear who is athletically flexible?


  • Why do doctors slap babies bums when then are born?

    Because the balls fall off of the stupid ones.

  • What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation?

    Doesn't matter, still born.

  • What do you call a french man who's been attacked by a bear?


  • Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

    A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

  • What do you call a bear in the rain?

    A drizzly bear.

  • What do you call an Australian singer who was born in Australia?

    Aussie Aus-born.

  • How did the zebra get its stripes?

    Not many people know this, but zebras arent actually born with stripes. There is actually an entire industry of people called zebra painters who go around painting black stripes on zebras. This is done so zebras arent confused with albino donkeys.

  • What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

    Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

  • Why do babies cry when they're born?

    Because it's the most painful day in their lives

  • How do you describe the bears?

    Fast and Furious 7

  • What do you call The Bear who loves philosophy?

    winnie the Philosopooh

  • What do you call a bear that likes men when it's happy and women when it's sad?

    A Bipolar Bear

  • Why do bears poop in the woods?

    So nobody will see their bare (bear) bottom!

  • What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?


  • Why did the Country Bear Jamboree bear blush?

    Because he was a bear a-singing. ..... I am at Disney with the kids this week...

  • How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    The bear minimum

  • What's the suite number on that address?

    8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

  • What kind of bears don't have teeth?

    Gummi bears. )

  • Why is the door to heaven always open?

    Because Jesus was born in a barn.

  • What do performing bears at the circus get for lunch?

    30 minutes.

  • What did the bear say to her date?

    I'll be down in a minute I'm bearly dressed"

  • What' the bare minimum?

    One bear

  • Why wouldn't you hire bears from Australia?

    Because they don't have the necessary koalafications. (Derived from: )

  • Why didn't the bear go to college?

    Because bears don't go to college.

  • How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?


  • Why don't bears wear socks?

    They have bear feet

  • What time of day was Adam born?

    Just a little before Eve

  • What was the bear protesting?

    his right to human arms

  • Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear?

    Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!

  • Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

    Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

  • What did one cookie say to the other cookie ?

    You've got a chip on your shoulder. What did the deer say to the bear Your unbearable

  • What if he had been born in Madagascar?

    He would have made a gas car

  • Why do american bears have forelimbs?

    They have the right to bear arms

  • What do you get when you cross a bear and a spider?

    A six-legged, honey-lovin', web-spinnin'

  • What is a guy who rubs bear toes called?

    Rob...wait for it... erto! Rubeartoe!

  • Why are cpws made for dancing?

    They're all born hoofers!

  • How are baby androids born?

    From their mother's computerus.

  • Why the long pause?

    asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"

  • Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

    She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

  • Why do Russians have so many bear fighting stories?

    Because their liquor is strong and their women are hairy.

  • What do you call a PED for bears?


  • Why can't bears get jobs in Australia?

    They don't have the right koalfications!

  • What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cage?


  • Why don't bears wear boots?

    Cos they like to walk around in their bear feet.

  • What do you call children born into a whorehouse?

    Your kids

  • How do we know that Jesus wasn't born in Mexico?

    Because he'd never have been able to find 3 wise men and a virgin.

  • How are one out of three American Boats born?

    By Sea-Section.

  • What did the 80 grit sandpaper say to the 36 grit sandpaper?

    You're a little rougher than I'm used to, but I'll grit and bear it. I'm sorry, that joke was a little rough ;D

  • How are bears related to cooking?

    The pan... duh

  • Why do bears hate shoes so much?

    They like to run around in their bear feet.

  • What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp ?

    A bear faced lyre !

  • What do you call a bear with no teeth?

    A gummy bear!

  • What day was Doris Day born?

    Doris' day.

  • What would bears be without bees?


  • Why the big pause................................?

    Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.

  • What do you call a bear with no teeth?

    Bare Grylls

  • What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?

    You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.

  • What do you call a foreign born communist running for President?

    Ted Cruz

  • What do you call a baby born feet first?

    a c-section.

  • What does Fozzie the Bear do when he can't find a ride?

    Walk-a Walk-a

  • What do you cal a bear with extreme mood swings?

    A bi-polar bear.

  • What month was King Kong born in?


  • Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Alabama?

    They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  • What do you call a bear in the middle of the road?

    A bear-icade

  • What do you call a bee that was born in the USA?


  • What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?


  • Why are chickens never virgins?

    A: Because when they're born they get laid.

  • What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?

    A: He got arrested just like you would've.

  • How many bear arms could Bear Grylls bear to bear if Bear Grylls could bear to bear bear arms?


  • What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear ?

    Winnie the Pooh !

  • What happens if the baby pees?

    Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

  • What did the bear say to the judge?

    I bearly touched her.

  • Why aren't you doing very well in history?

    Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

  • How do you confuse a man?

    You don't - they're born that way.

  • What did one druid say to the other?

    Bear with me...

  • What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

    brothel sprouts!

  • What kind of bear is best?

    One that gets you an oscar

  • What do you get if crossed a new born snake with a basketball ?

    A bouncing baby boa !

  • What happens when Keemstar and Ricegum have a baby?

    He's born with Diss-lexia

  • What do you call a Chinese baby in the oven?

    a 2nd born.

  • How do Russians drive to Alaska?

    By bearing straight

  • What is the name of a taxi service for bears?


  • Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

    Because he was barefooted!!!

  • What does a grizzly wear under his fur?


  • Why are you letting people touch your new born?

    I don't let people touch my new iPhone

  • Why'd you name me Carson, dad?

    You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.

  • What do you call the babies born in a whorehouse?

    Brothel sprouts.

  • Where's that?

    Hawaii Where's that -Jamaica Daddy where was I -You weren't born Why's the folder called 'Good Ole Days'

  • What's a bear without an ear?

    A b

  • What's a bear's favorite fruit?

    Tom ( ). Explanation: Bears are made up of atoms. Plug:

  • What's the first part of a stripper to blow?

    The knee. It's a load-bearing joint.

  • When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

    Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

  • What will you have sir?

    Bear: "Gin............ and tonic." Bartender: "Why the big pause " Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."

  • Which bear dissolves in water?

    The white bear, because it's polar

  • Why are there no bears in Antarctica?


  • How was the bear able to move in order to get honey?

    It had muscles.

  • What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby?

    Sudden Lee

  • What happened in China on Christmas?

    The Rice-child was born.

  • What do you call someone who was born in a camper?

    A son of a hitch!

  • What was the preferred magazine of the bear that hung out behind the library?

    Digest Readers.

  • What do you call a bear that swings both ways?


  • Why are the bears such a bad football team?

    Because when they were little, they were cubs. I'm so sorry

  • What do bears take at raves?


  • When a programmer is born, what are their first words?

    Hello world!"

  • Where are new Starcraft players born?

    In the noobula

  • What would you call Jesus if he was born in Mexico?

    The Chosen Juan.

  • What do you call it when a bear makes a complete rotation on both its longitudinal and lateral axes, causing it to follow a helical path?

    A bearl roll.

  • What do you call a bird born in the 90s?

    A millennial falcon.

  • What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

    Sudden Lee

  • What do you get when you cross bears with salmon?


  • What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant?

    This guy

  • Why can't some people help being born Chinese?

    Because there's nothing wong with it.

  • How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

    You have to read ursine.

  • How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    The bear minimum

  • Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

    ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

  • What do you call a bear in the Arctic?


  • What do you call a Bear who is just learning to use the force?

    A PANDAwan learner.

  • What do you call a bear that can't win?

    A Chicago Bear

  • What do 12 year old mexican girls and born-again christians have in common?

    They both have a little Jesus in 'em...

  • Why didn't the bear from the revenant win the Oscar?

    Because it would've torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss

  • Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo?

    A cub reporter.

  • What did George Washington Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

    They were all born on holidays."

  • Why did the bear run around his bed?

    He wanted to catch up on his sleep.

  • What's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite dessert?

    Bear claaaaaarrrrrwwwwwwss!!!