Bed Jokes

  • Why are liars so lazy?

    Because they are always lying in bed!

  • What's long and hard?

    The sock under my bed.

  • Why does the ocean roar?

    You would too if you had crabs on your bottom and oysters in your bed.

  • How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed?

    By the "M" on his pajamas.

  • How do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you?

    He has a big E on his pajamas.

  • What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

    Me neither. Help.

  • How did Jared lose 150lbs?

    He kicked two 7-year-olds out of his bed.

  • Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?


  • Why does the nudist always go to bed early?

    Because he never sleeps in much!

  • What does Green Day say before bed?

    Green night

  • How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed?

    piece of cake

  • What drives you?

    Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus

  • How do you get a woman from to be, to bed?

    Give her the D.

  • Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra?

    To keep them from rolling out of bed

  • What came first?

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

  • Why are woman's feet always so cold in bed?

    Because they have no soles. Joke my fiancee just said to me.

  • How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?

    When your nose touches the ceiling !

  • What do Philadelphia Eagles fans do after they win the superbowl?

    Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)

  • Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

    Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball

  • What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

    A matching one for the other side of the bed.

  • Why is the letter E lazy?

    Because it's always in bed.

  • What did the blanket say to the bed?

    Don't worry, I've got you covered.

  • What type of cheese lives under your bed?


  • What do astronauts wear to bed?

    Space Jammies!

  • Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

    A: To see how long he slept.

  • When someone ask me... How are you?

    I answer back... You mean in bed

  • Why do you say that?

    Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake and gets me up when I'm sleepy!

  • How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed?

    Put velcro on the ceiling.

  • What's the worst thing a girl can wear to bed?

    A condom

  • Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?

    He wrote sheet music.

  • What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?


  • Why did the farmer take a bale of hay to bed?

    He wanted to feed his nightmares.

  • How can you shorten a bed?

    Don't sleep long in it.

  • Why did Jimmy take a ruler to bed?

    To see how long he slept for.

  • What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

    A cuddlefish! (corny I know)

  • Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?

    With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed

  • How'd you sleep?

    Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

  • What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed?

    Hi sugar

  • How do you get an anorexic chick in bed?

    Well, it ain't a piece of cake.

  • How do Australians sleep?

    With their heads at the foot of the bed.

  • What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

    They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!

  • What do spies say in bed?

    Shh I'm undercovers

  • Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

    His wife didn't know any decent crackers.

  • What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed?

    I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian.

  • Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving?

    All the coats are on the bed!

  • How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand

  • Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep?

    So they won't roll out of bed.

  • What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

    Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"

  • Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?

    Because she wanted to sleep like a log.

  • How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed?

    Put velcro on the ceiling.

  • What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?

    A "no one will ever believe me".

  • Why did the boy take the ruler to bed?

    He wanted to see how long he slept.

  • What is long, hard and full of sperm ?

    The sock under my bed.

  • What do you call a deaf chick in bed?

    Anything you want

  • How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

    tape velcro to the ceiling.

  • What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

    Sleep in the wardrobe.

  • Why did the kid punch the bed?

    His mother told him to hit the hay.

  • Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital?

    It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.

  • Why would you take a hammer to bed?

    A: So you could hit the sack.

  • What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?

    Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!

  • Why is Gandalf so good in bed?

    Because a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.

  • How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?

    You wake up wet !

  • Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?

    For smoking in bed.

  • Who's there ! Bed ! Bed who ?

    Bed you can't guess who I am!

  • What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?

    Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.

  • How do you get 1000 dead babies into the bed of a pickup truck?

    A blender! How do you get them out? Nacho chips!

  • What's 12 inches long, stiff, full of sperm and can make a girl scream?

    The sock under my bed. (I don't remember where I heard it. Can't claim ownership.)

  • What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?

    Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

  • What do tigers wear in bed ?

    Stripey pyjamas !

  • What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?

    He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.

  • What's long and hard every time you wake up?

    Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

  • Why did the dog sleep so poorly?

    By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

  • Why did the man take a pencil to bed ?

    To draw the curtains !

  • Why did the spy stay in bed?

    To stay under cover

  • When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?

    instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.

  • What does a Japanese chef shout in bed?

    Ooo mami! (Umami)

  • Why did the hipster go to bed early?

    Because he sleeps before it gets cool.

  • How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?

    No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.

  • What's the difference between my bed and my imagination?

    You aren't naked in my bed.

  • When does a bed grow longer?

    A: At night, because two feet are added to it.

  • What's the longest you've stayed in bed?

    I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke

  • What's my type?

    Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.

  • Why did the man run around his bed?

    Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

  • How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?

    Your head hits the ceiling!

  • What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

    He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

  • What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?

    A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.

  • When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

    When the big hand touches the little hand.

  • Where can you find Jhene Aiko at Bed Peace?

    At bed, blunt, and beyond. Bada tssss. I tried.

  • What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ?

    A horse !

  • Why are you sleeping at your desk?

    Me: Because my bed is at home.

  • How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

    Take away their beds...

  • Why do old men take Viagra?

    It stops them from rolling out of bed.

  • Why was the Police Officer still in bed?

    Because he was .

  • Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?

    Because he sleeps on a waterbed !

  • What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?

    You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.

  • What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?


  • Why was Stalin a Bad leader?

    Because he was staling a country that was rushing..(Russia) This joke was bad. Im going to bed now.

  • What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ?

    Sleep in the wardrobe !

  • What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

    Oh sheeeeeettttt!

  • What did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed?

    Holy Sheet!"

  • What time does Andy Murray go to bed?


  • How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?


  • What did the bed say to the sleepy man?

    I want you inside me"

  • Why don't u share a bed?

    cried Baby Bear.

  • What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

    Sleep on the sofa.

  • Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?

    Who cares

  • Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed?

    So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.

  • Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

    So he wouldn't talk in his sleep

  • What's his name?

    A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will

  • What's better than a violin on your bed?

    A fiddle between the sheets

  • What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver?

    He said "Hey Hey Hugh Hugh Get Off Of McCould"

  • How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

    In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

  • How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed?

    Put velcro on the ceiling.

  • What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?

    Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed

  • Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?

    To feed her nightmare.

  • What animals do you bring to bed?

    Your calves.

  • Why is China so politically in bed with Africa?

    Because China is the biggest coal burner in the world

  • What is the definition of a Wife?

    An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

  • Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?

    Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.

  • What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?

    Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.

  • Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?

    I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake

  • How do you know when you are in bed with a witch ?

    She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !

  • What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

    Wait, I can explain everything!

  • What's the real reason old men take Viagra?

    So they don't roll out of bed!

  • Why are rivers lazy?

    Because they never get off their beds.

  • Why are black girls tame in bed?

    Because they have no daddy issues.

  • Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

    Because he is lying.

  • How does an Alabama girl know shes in for a crazy night?

    Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.

  • Who stole the sheets from the bed?

    Bed buglars.

  • Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?

    She wanted to see how long she slept.

  • Why Do Republican Couples Keep A Copy Of Ronald Reagan's Biography Next To Their Bed?

    So that it can be used as an

  • What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?

    A: It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.

  • Why did Snow White go to bed?

    She was feeling Sleepy.

  • How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

    Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

  • What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?

    An under cover cop.

  • Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs?

    In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose" -Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend

  • How long does Charlie Sheen last in bed?

    Two and a half minutes.

  • What do Australians say when they go to bed?

    G'night mate

  • Which place has the strongest gravity in the whole universe?


  • What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?

    What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.

  • How sick are you?

    Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister

  • Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?

    Because they always want to be right.

  • What do you do when Ronda says "Not Tonight"?

    Kick her out of bed

  • What's bad about wetting your bed?

    Urine it.

  • Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed?

    The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out

  • How are you baby?

    I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!

  • What does a psychologist wear to bed?

    A Freudian slip.

  • What did Josh say when asked if his sister was good in bed?

    I Duggar."

  • What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?

    A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!

  • What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

    Getting out of the bed!

  • What's long and hard and full of seamen?

    The tube sock under my bed.

  • What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?

    A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.

  • When do terrorists go to bed?

    9:11 PM

  • Why did the Italian get thrown out of the hotel?

    He said "I wanna two sheet onna the bed".

  • What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?

    You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.

  • What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed?

    Keep it up!

  • What is a long distance love?

    It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

  • What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

    Aw sheet! One of my favorite, cheesiest jokes of all time. Thought it would be a good first post to Reddit!

  • Why do men get erections while they sleep?

    So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.

  • Why did the blond take a ruler to bed?

    To see how long she slept.

  • Why did the policeman stay in bed today?

    he was undercover *!*

  • What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks?

    amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac

  • How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?

    He replied... ...It's hard

  • What's Jay-z's favorite store?

    Bed, bath and Beyond-ce.

  • How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?

    She kept wetting the bed.

  • Why do lobsters make bad lovers?

    They're shellfish in bed.

  • Why did the bear run around his bed?

    He wanted to catch up on his sleep.

  • What's the best thing about 21 year olds in bed?

    There's 21 of them

  • What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

    He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.

  • Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed?

    He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.

  • Why was the policeman in bed?

    Because he was an undercover cop

  • Why did the bed spread?

    Because it saw the pillow slip.

  • Why was the lizard nervous in bed?

    He had reptile dysfuncton

  • Where is Jennifer's husband?

    Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:

  • How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?

    A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

  • Why did the little boy throw the linen off the bed when he saw a ghost?

    He was scared sheetless.

  • How is my wife doing?

    Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.