Bed Jokes
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Why are liars so lazy?
Because they are always lying in bed!
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What's long and hard?
The sock under my bed.
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Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom and oysters in your bed.
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How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed?
By the "M" on his pajamas.
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How do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you?
He has a big E on his pajamas.
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What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?
Me neither. Help.
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How did Jared lose 150lbs?
He kicked two 7-year-olds out of his bed.
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Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!
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Why does the nudist always go to bed early?
Because he never sleeps in much!
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What does Green Day say before bed?
Green night
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How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed?
piece of cake
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What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning M: missing the bus
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How do you get a woman from to be, to bed?
Give her the D.
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Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra?
To keep them from rolling out of bed
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What came first?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Why are woman's feet always so cold in bed?
Because they have no soles. Joke my fiancee just said to me.
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How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?
When your nose touches the ceiling !
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What do Philadelphia Eagles fans do after they win the superbowl?
Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)
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Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball
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What does a carpenter do after one night stand?
A matching one for the other side of the bed.
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Why is the letter E lazy?
Because it's always in bed.
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What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry, I've got you covered.
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What type of cheese lives under your bed?
Muenster.
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What do astronauts wear to bed?
Space Jammies!
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?
A: To see how long he slept.
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When someone ask me... How are you?
I answer back... You mean in bed
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Why do you say that?
Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake and gets me up when I'm sleepy!
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How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.
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What's the worst thing a girl can wear to bed?
A condom
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Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?
He wrote sheet music.
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What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Sheet
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Why did the farmer take a bale of hay to bed?
He wanted to feed his nightmares.
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How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long in it.
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Why did Jimmy take a ruler to bed?
To see how long he slept for.
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What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?
A cuddlefish! (corny I know)
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Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?
With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed
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How'd you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
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What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed?
Hi sugar
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How do you get an anorexic chick in bed?
Well, it ain't a piece of cake.
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How do Australians sleep?
With their heads at the foot of the bed.
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What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?
They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!
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What do spies say in bed?
Shh I'm undercovers
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Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?
His wife didn't know any decent crackers.
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What did the Hungarian man say before he went to bed?
I'm going to bed." Except he said it in Hungarian.
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Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving?
All the coats are on the bed!
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How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?
When the big hand touches the little hand
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Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep?
So they won't roll out of bed.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?
Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"
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Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?
Because she wanted to sleep like a log.
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How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.
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What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?
A "no one will ever believe me".
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Why did the boy take the ruler to bed?
He wanted to see how long he slept.
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What is long, hard and full of sperm ?
The sock under my bed.
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What do you call a deaf chick in bed?
Anything you want
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How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?
tape velcro to the ceiling.
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What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.
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Why did the kid punch the bed?
His mother told him to hit the hay.
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Why did the man bring his bed with him to the hospital?
It's because he heard hospital beds have a high mortality rate.
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Why would you take a hammer to bed?
A: So you could hit the sack.
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What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?
Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!
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Why is Gandalf so good in bed?
Because a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.
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How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
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Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?
For smoking in bed.
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Who's there ! Bed ! Bed who ?
Bed you can't guess who I am!
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What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?
Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.
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How do you get 1000 dead babies into the bed of a pickup truck?
A blender! How do you get them out? Nacho chips!
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What's 12 inches long, stiff, full of sperm and can make a girl scream?
The sock under my bed. (I don't remember where I heard it. Can't claim ownership.)
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What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?
Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.
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What do tigers wear in bed ?
Stripey pyjamas !
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What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?
He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.
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What's long and hard every time you wake up?
Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.
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Why did the dog sleep so poorly?
By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed ?
To draw the curtains !
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Why did the spy stay in bed?
To stay under cover
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When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?
instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.
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What does a Japanese chef shout in bed?
Ooo mami! (Umami)
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Why did the hipster go to bed early?
Because he sleeps before it gets cool.
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How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?
No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.
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What's the difference between my bed and my imagination?
You aren't naked in my bed.
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When does a bed grow longer?
A: At night, because two feet are added to it.
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What's the longest you've stayed in bed?
I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke
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What's my type?
Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.
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Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
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How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
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What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?
He screwed, nutted, and bolted.
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What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
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When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
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Where can you find Jhene Aiko at Bed Peace?
At bed, blunt, and beyond. Bada tssss. I tried.
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What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on ?
A horse !
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Why are you sleeping at your desk?
Me: Because my bed is at home.
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How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?
Take away their beds...
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Why do old men take Viagra?
It stops them from rolling out of bed.
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Why was the Police Officer still in bed?
Because he was .
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Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?
Because he sleeps on a waterbed !
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What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for air, and calling your name?
You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.
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What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!
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Why was Stalin a Bad leader?
Because he was staling a country that was rushing..(Russia) This joke was bad. Im going to bed now.
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What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ?
Sleep in the wardrobe !
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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh sheeeeeettttt!
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What did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed?
Holy Sheet!"
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What time does Andy Murray go to bed?
Tennish!
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How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?
Velrow
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What did the bed say to the sleepy man?
I want you inside me"
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Why don't u share a bed?
cried Baby Bear.
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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?
Sleep on the sofa.
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Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
Who cares
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Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed?
So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.
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Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?
So he wouldn't talk in his sleep
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What's his name?
A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will
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What's better than a violin on your bed?
A fiddle between the sheets
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What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver?
He said "Hey Hey Hugh Hugh Get Off Of McCould"
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How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
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How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.
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What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?
Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed
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Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?
To feed her nightmare.
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What animals do you bring to bed?
Your calves.
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Why is China so politically in bed with Africa?
Because China is the biggest coal burner in the world
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What is the definition of a Wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
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Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?
Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
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What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
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Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?
I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake
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How do you know when you are in bed with a witch ?
She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas !
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What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
Wait, I can explain everything!
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What's the real reason old men take Viagra?
So they don't roll out of bed!
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Why are rivers lazy?
Because they never get off their beds.
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Why are black girls tame in bed?
Because they have no daddy issues.
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Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?
Because he is lying.
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How does an Alabama girl know shes in for a crazy night?
Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.
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Who stole the sheets from the bed?
Bed buglars.
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Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?
She wanted to see how long she slept.
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Why Do Republican Couples Keep A Copy Of Ronald Reagan's Biography Next To Their Bed?
So that it can be used as an
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What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?
A: It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.
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Why did Snow White go to bed?
She was feeling Sleepy.
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How many times did I tell you to make your bed?
Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!
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What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?
An under cover cop.
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Why can't you sniff out Easter Eggs?
In a tone like you have no idea) "No bunny nose" -Made up this morning in bed to a very dissatisfied girlfriend
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How long does Charlie Sheen last in bed?
Two and a half minutes.
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What do Australians say when they go to bed?
G'night mate
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Which place has the strongest gravity in the whole universe?
Bed
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What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?
What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
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How sick are you?
Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister
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Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?
Because they always want to be right.
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What do you do when Ronda says "Not Tonight"?
Kick her out of bed
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What's bad about wetting your bed?
Urine it.
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Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed?
The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out
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How are you baby?
I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!
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What does a psychologist wear to bed?
A Freudian slip.
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What did Josh say when asked if his sister was good in bed?
I Duggar."
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What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!
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What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting out of the bed!
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What's long and hard and full of seamen?
The tube sock under my bed.
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What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?
A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.
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When do terrorists go to bed?
9:11 PM
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Why did the Italian get thrown out of the hotel?
He said "I wanna two sheet onna the bed".
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What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?
You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.
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What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed?
Keep it up!
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What is a long distance love?
It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.
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What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?
Aw sheet! One of my favorite, cheesiest jokes of all time. Thought it would be a good first post to Reddit!
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Why do men get erections while they sleep?
So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.
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Why did the blond take a ruler to bed?
To see how long she slept.
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Why did the policeman stay in bed today?
he was undercover *!*
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What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks?
amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac
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How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?
He replied... ...It's hard
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What's Jay-z's favorite store?
Bed, bath and Beyond-ce.
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How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?
She kept wetting the bed.
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Why do lobsters make bad lovers?
They're shellfish in bed.
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Why did the bear run around his bed?
He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
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What's the best thing about 21 year olds in bed?
There's 21 of them
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What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?
He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.
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Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed?
He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.
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Why was the policeman in bed?
Because he was an undercover cop
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Why did the bed spread?
Because it saw the pillow slip.
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Why was the lizard nervous in bed?
He had reptile dysfuncton
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Where is Jennifer's husband?
Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:
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How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
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Why did the little boy throw the linen off the bed when he saw a ghost?
He was scared sheetless.
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How is my wife doing?
Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.