Beer Jokes
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How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. She should have opened it as she brought it to you.
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What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?
Irish handcuffs.
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Why do American beer companies always advise that their beer should be served cold?
So you can tell it apart from urine
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What did the ireshmen say to the beer ?
I love you.....
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What is the difference between wealth and poverty?
And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'
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Why should you always take two Mormon's fishing?
Cause if you take one, he'll drink all your beer
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How many Mormons does it take to drink a 12 pack of beer?
One if nobody is watching.
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How do Jamaicans pronounce bacon?
The same way British people pronounce beer can.
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Where's the dog?
flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.
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Where do beers go to pick up girls?
Ho Gardens
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What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
You can spill your beer on a fiddle.
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How does Craig Venter drink beer?
Shotgun method
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Why are bunnies so good at brewing?
Cause beer is made with hops.
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What do you mean I've had enough to drink?
Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.
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When a rapper gets beer, how much do they get?
A Two Pack
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Why was the piano invented?
So that the musician would have a place to put their beer.
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Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?
If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.
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A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here
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How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.
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Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?
If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop
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What kind of beer was Dr. Stephen Strange serving?
It was his own Strange Brew. You would be Moranic not to like it.
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What's worse: Alzheimer or Parkinson?
Alzheimer. I'd rather drink my beer shaking than forget to to drink it.
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How much for a beer?
The bartender replies: "For you No charge."
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What do yeast and a redneck have in common?
They're both usually found with beer and inbred. -&y (written by moi)
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What do you get when you add root beer to a square cup?
Beer.
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What happens to a woman who falls down the stairs?
Nothing, as long as she doesn't drop my beers
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How was the Irish Jig invented?
To much beer and not enough bathrooms
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What'll it be, mister?
The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop, please!"
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How does Moses make beer?
Hebrews!
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What Einstein say when someone tried to take his beer?
Nein! Mein Stein!....sorry
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What does Moses do when he wants a beer?
He brews!
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Why do you have to take more than one Baptist with you when you go fishing?
Because if you just take one, he'll drink all your beer.
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Why don't rabbits like beer?
Because it messes with their hops
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What's a man's idea of a balanced diet?
Beer in each hand!
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Who's there ! Bud ! Bud who ?
Budweiser the King of Beers !
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What beer does Sean Connery drink?
Grols
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What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer ?
Light ale !
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What can I get you ?
Harambe: I'll have a beer. Man: No, he'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.
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What did the bartender say to the giraffe when he ordered a beer?
Long neck or giraffed?
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Why does beer go faster through you than milk?
Why does beer go faster through you than milk? Unlike milk it doesn't have to change color. Why does Budweiser go faster through you than beer? Unlike beer it doesn't have to change taste.
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What will you be drinking?
Harambe: I'll have a beer Me: No, he'll have just ice Bartender: Just ice Me: Yes. Justice for Harambe.
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How do People in New Orleans have their beer?
Watered Down
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What beer do elderly rednecks drink?
Silver Mullet
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer
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Where do Martians drink beer ?
At a mars bar !
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Why did the beer get bottled?
He was trying to dodge the draft.
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What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day?
A rednnnnnneeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkk.
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What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer?
A barrel organ.
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How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer?
A really good watch.
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What do you call a man that brews beer?
A Hebrew.
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Why did the man drink two beers with his lunch?
Because he wanted to drink two beers with his lunch.
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Why do rabbits prefer IPA's over other kinds of beers?
Because they use extra hops
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Why do they never serve a beer at math party?
Because you can't drink and derive
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How many guys does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
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How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.
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Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?
He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*
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Why should you bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing?
Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.
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When your prescription says "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS" how many beers are you really allowed to have?
6
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What's the difference between the dog and the fox?
About four beers
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How does an ethiopian open a beer?
With his ribs
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Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip?
Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
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Which beer did the flower drink that made it realize that it was smarter when it was young?
Budweiser
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What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?
A year in prison if there's any justice.
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Whats your favourite brand of beer?
When i was younger, i used to drink any brand of beer, but now i am older Budweiser
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Why don't women like drinking beer at the beach?
Because they'll get sand in their schlitz.
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What kind of beer does a cow brew?
Heifer-weizen.
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What are 3 naked woman on a crate of beer?
In the way!
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What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?
Wine
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What do the Irish say when they cheers their beer?
Good Mornin'!
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What do Canadians drink when the beer is all gone?
Hard eh.
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Why do flowers and beer get along so well?
They're buds
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Who's there ! Beryl ! Beryl who ?
Beryl of beer !
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What's the worst way to convince an officer who's pulled you over not to ticket you?
You can have my beer if you let me go."
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.
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What do you call 2 Mexicans in a boat with a case of beer?
A pinat
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What does a beer say when it's cold?
Buuuurrrrrr!!!
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What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?
One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
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Why doesn't Moses buy beer?
He brews it.
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Why do you have to pee so quickly after you start drinking beer?
Because it doesn't have to stop off to change color!
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What exactly does BYOB mean?
Bring your own beer" Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
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How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?
Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
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What is it with people who text and drive?
I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.
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How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two one to hold the bulb and the other to serve him beer until the room starts spinning.
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Why didn't Ahmadinejad have a beer?
He wasn't in the MahMoud.
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Why did the Rabbi stop buying beer?
Hebrewed his own
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Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing?
Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.
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What's the difference between a beer and a down syndrome kid?
If you end up with a badly poured beer you can blow it's head off.
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Why is a beer like a woman?
After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.
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Why did they stop serving beer at Miami Marlins games?
They didn't have enough pitchers.
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What did the German physicist call his beer mug?
Ein stein.
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What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?
Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.
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How do you change root beer in to a beer?
Put it in a square cup
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What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song?
You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.
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What's he like?
asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."
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Why do we feel the need to order beers in round?
It's beer pressure.
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Why should you always take at least two Baptists fishing?
Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer
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What did Bobby Mcferrin say to his beer?
Don't worry, be hoppy :)
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Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?
Answer: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
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How do bunny rabbits like their beer brewed?
With lots of hops!
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What is a toad's favorite kind of beer?
One with a lot of hops.
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What's the difference between having a badly poured draft beer and having a child with Down's Syndrome?
If the head's too big on your beer, you can blow it off.
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A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"
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What's an alcoholic's favorite type of beer?
All of them
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What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers?
The designated driver.
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What do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug?
Just Beer. If you don't get it, think mathematically.
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What beer goes best with pizza?
Pepper-Peroni
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Why don't women drink beer at the beach?
Because they'll get sand in their Schlitz.
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Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
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What's the definition of the perfect woman?
Four feet tall, fold back teeth, flat head so you can rest your beer on it, and turns into a pizza at midnight.
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What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
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How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip?
Bring two Mormons.
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What's better than being up to your knees in beer?
Being up to your nuts in cider.