Believe Jokes
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How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise MY hand!
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How does a CANDU reactor work?
By believing in itself.
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When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
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What are facts about canines we must believe?
Dogma
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What u doing?
Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u
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Why was the poker game at the zoo cancelled?
Some believed that there was a cheetah among them.
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Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money?
She didn't believe in prophets.
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Who is a Project Manager?
Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.
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Why is 1 disapproving of 6?
That one doesn't believe in six before marriage.
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What do you call an old-school CIA agent who believes his work is none of the public's goddamn business?
A Pte-redact-yl
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Why don't atheists use exponents?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
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How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.
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What do you call someone who believes rotten eggs smell bad, but doesn't care?
An eggsy-stench-alist.
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What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?
Me: oh, um, science.
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Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea?
Because he believed that all proper tea was theft.
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Why are there no owls here?
I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE! #hooters
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What's the difference between a white story and a black story?
A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"
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How do sceptics introduce themselves?
I don't believe we've met..."
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Why did the fallen child cross the road?
Believing that one day, the chicken will cross the road, it fills you with determination.
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Why are Mumford & Sons the only agnostic rock band?
Because they don't even know if they believe.
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What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin?
Believe in reincarnation.
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What kind of magic do cows believe in?
MOODOO.
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What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa?
An eggnogstic
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Why did the atheist fail algebra?
He didn't believe in higher powers!
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Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?
They don't believe in higher powers.
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Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?
Because he was in de-nile
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How many of you believe in psychokinesis?
Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.
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Why Can't Atheists Solve Exponential Equations?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
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Why can't atheists solve exponential problems?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
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What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux
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Why do teenage girls not like filing papers?
They just don't believe in labels.
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Why can't atheist solve exponential problems?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
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Why can't Democrats sell pants?
They believe in a single-pair system.
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Where is the lost city of Atlantis?
Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.
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Why are Mumford & Sons the only agnostic rock band?
Because they don't even know if they believe.
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What phone etiquette?
You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.
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What's do Christians and politicians have in common?
They pick and choose what they want to believe.
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Who is the most successful liar in the world?
Mary. Lied about her extramarital affair, still believed by billions.
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What did one ghost say to another?
I'm sorry but I just don't believe in people.
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Why did Newton's wife got pregnant?
Because he doesn't believe in using quantum
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Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person?
He doesn't believe in dog.
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Why didn't you obey that stop sign?
Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
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What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?
Some people actually believe santa exist.
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Why did the girl walk past her crush twice?
He didn't believe in love at first sight.
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What do jehovah's witnesses believe in?
That I will open the door
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What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
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Why shouldn't you tell a story to a solipsist?
Because they won't believe it.
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Why can't you believe what an atom tells you?
Because they make up everything!
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Where's the cake?
Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.
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Why do health magazines targeting hypochondriacs have so much trouble maintaining subscriber levels?
Because none of their readers believe them when they receive a warning that it's their final issue.
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What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?
Reintarnation.
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What's a chinese chef's favorite song?
I believe I can fry.
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What do you call a mushroom who strongly believes in radical Islamism?
a fungimentalist
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Why didn't the Pharaoh believe he was drowning?
Because he was in deNile
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Why aren't there any British Communists?
Because communists believe all proper tea is theft.
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How are men like television commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 30 seconds.
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Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro?
They don't believe in higher power.
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What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?
I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there
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Why shouldn't Canadian adults laugh at children who believe in the Easter Bunny?
Because most of them still believe in Justin Trudeau
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What did the atheist say when he saw Jesus?
I can't believe this. What did he tell his atheist friend? You won't believe this.
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What religion believes in the Big Bang?
Islam.
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What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?
An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.
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Why was the orphan so successful?
When he was told to "go big or go home," he only had one option. (I've posted this joke here before, but I believe I've been the first, so if you recognize it as a repost it's because I wanted to tell it again!)
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Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio?
He stopped believing in stereotypes.
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Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone?
Because the barracuda believed that "anemone of my enemy is a friend."
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What religion does a drinking feline believe?
Cat-holic
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Why don't black pitchers throw three strikeout in a row?
Because they don't believe in the KKK
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Why don't catholic priest believe in condoms?
Because little boys can't get pregnant.
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Why are Democrats stupid enough to believe in climate change?
Because they were vaccinated as children.
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What's the most believed oxymoron?
Peaceful muslims
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What religion still believes in the Big Bang?
x-post from /r/imgoingtohellforthis Islam
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Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations?
Because they don't believe in higher powers
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Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
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How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They don't believe in a higher power.
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What's believing in evolution?
Apetheism
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How many Buddhists does it take to screw a light bulb?
None. They believe that the enlightenment comes from within.
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Why are atheists afraid of exponents?
They don't believe in a higher power.
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How do you win an election?
By having people believe that you've won an election.
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What were the martyr's last words?
I believe in peace in our time
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What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?
A "no one will ever believe me".
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What is red... And smells like green paint?
Red paint! Whats green, and smells like red paint Green paint :) Can't believe how many time I switch to the second, and they don't get it!
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Why did Baby Moses believe he was Egyptian?
Because he was in da Nile.
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What would Israel be called if it was make believe?
Isfaek.
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What did the pirate pirate say on his 80th birthday?
I can't believe I'm still illegally downloading movies at this age!"
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How is evolution and a Union construction job similar?
They take so long that some people don't believe they don't work.
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What's the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
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How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?
I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "
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What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low.
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What did one ghost say to another ghost?
Do you believe in people "
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Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?
Because he is lying.
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What's the difference between feminism and Islam?
One is demonized by the actions and beliefs of a small minority. The other believes in the wage gap myth.
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Why don't all Libertarian candidates have dwarfism?
I thought Libertarians believed in small government.
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Where's the baby?
while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.
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How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb?
Allah them. (I googled several varations and thus far I believe I am the originator)
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Why don't Buddhists have Instagram?
They don't believe in the concept of a selfie.
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What did one ghost say to the other?
Do you believe in people
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Why did no one believe the Psychologist ever went to the bathroom?
Because the 'P' is silent
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What's the dating scene like at MIT?
Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.