Believe Jokes

  • How many of you believe in telekinesis?

    Raise MY hand!

  • How does a CANDU reactor work?

    By believing in itself.

  • When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

    Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

  • What are facts about canines we must believe?


  • What u doing?

    Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u

  • Why was the poker game at the zoo cancelled?

    Some believed that there was a cheetah among them.

  • Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money?

    She didn't believe in prophets.

  • Who is a Project Manager?

    Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.

  • Why is 1 disapproving of 6?

    That one doesn't believe in six before marriage.

  • What do you call an old-school CIA agent who believes his work is none of the public's goddamn business?

    A Pte-redact-yl

  • Why don't atheists use exponents?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • How many true friends do you believe you have?

    Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.

  • What do you call someone who believes rotten eggs smell bad, but doesn't care?

    An eggsy-stench-alist.

  • What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?

    Me: oh, um, science.

  • Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea?

    Because he believed that all proper tea was theft.

  • Why are there no owls here?


  • What's the difference between a white story and a black story?

    A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"

  • How do sceptics introduce themselves?

    I don't believe we've met..."

  • Why did the fallen child cross the road?

    Believing that one day, the chicken will cross the road, it fills you with determination.

  • Why are Mumford & Sons the only agnostic rock band?

    Because they don't even know if they believe.

  • What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin?

    Believe in reincarnation.

  • What kind of magic do cows believe in?


  • What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa?

    An eggnogstic

  • Why did the atheist fail algebra?

    He didn't believe in higher powers!

  • Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

    They don't believe in higher powers.

  • Why couldn't Moses believe his mother sent him away in a basket?

    Because he was in de-nile

  • How many of you believe in psychokinesis?

    Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.

  • Why Can't Atheists Solve Exponential Equations?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • Why can't atheists solve exponential problems?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?

    A paradux

  • Why do teenage girls not like filing papers?

    They just don't believe in labels.

  • Why can't atheist solve exponential problems?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • Why can't Democrats sell pants?

    They believe in a single-pair system.

  • Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

    Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.

  • Why are Mumford & Sons the only agnostic rock band?

    Because they don't even know if they believe.

  • What phone etiquette?

    You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

  • What's do Christians and politicians have in common?

    They pick and choose what they want to believe.

  • Who is the most successful liar in the world?

    Mary. Lied about her extramarital affair, still believed by billions.

  • What did one ghost say to another?

    I'm sorry but I just don't believe in people.

  • Why did Newton's wife got pregnant?

    Because he doesn't believe in using quantum

  • Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person?

    He doesn't believe in dog.

  • Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

    Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

  • What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

    Some people actually believe santa exist.

  • Why did the girl walk past her crush twice?

    He didn't believe in love at first sight.

  • What do jehovah's witnesses believe in?

    That I will open the door

  • What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

    A rebel without a Claus.

  • Why shouldn't you tell a story to a solipsist?

    Because they won't believe it.

  • Why can't you believe what an atom tells you?

    Because they make up everything!

  • Where's the cake?

    Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

  • Why do health magazines targeting hypochondriacs have so much trouble maintaining subscriber levels?

    Because none of their readers believe them when they receive a warning that it's their final issue.

  • What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?


  • What's a chinese chef's favorite song?

    I believe I can fry.

  • What do you call a mushroom who strongly believes in radical Islamism?

    a fungimentalist

  • Why didn't the Pharaoh believe he was drowning?

    Because he was in deNile

  • Why aren't there any British Communists?

    Because communists believe all proper tea is theft.

  • How are men like television commercials?

    A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 30 seconds.

  • Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro?

    They don't believe in higher power.

  • What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?

    I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there

  • Why shouldn't Canadian adults laugh at children who believe in the Easter Bunny?

    Because most of them still believe in Justin Trudeau

  • What did the atheist say when he saw Jesus?

    I can't believe this. What did he tell his atheist friend? You won't believe this.

  • What religion believes in the Big Bang?


  • What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

    An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

  • Why was the orphan so successful?

    When he was told to "go big or go home," he only had one option. (I've posted this joke here before, but I believe I've been the first, so if you recognize it as a repost it's because I wanted to tell it again!)

  • Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio?

    He stopped believing in stereotypes.

  • Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone?

    Because the barracuda believed that "anemone of my enemy is a friend."

  • What religion does a drinking feline believe?


  • Why don't black pitchers throw three strikeout in a row?

    Because they don't believe in the KKK

  • Why don't catholic priest believe in condoms?

    Because little boys can't get pregnant.

  • Why are Democrats stupid enough to believe in climate change?

    Because they were vaccinated as children.

  • What's the most believed oxymoron?

    Peaceful muslims

  • What religion still believes in the Big Bang?

    x-post from /r/imgoingtohellforthis Islam

  • Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers

  • Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

    Because they don't believe in higher powers.

  • How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. They don't believe in a higher power.

  • What's believing in evolution?


  • How many Buddhists does it take to screw a light bulb?

    None. They believe that the enlightenment comes from within.

  • Why are atheists afraid of exponents?

    They don't believe in a higher power.

  • How do you win an election?

    By having people believe that you've won an election.

  • What were the martyr's last words?

    I believe in peace in our time

  • What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?

    A "no one will ever believe me".

  • What is red... And smells like green paint?

    Red paint! Whats green, and smells like red paint Green paint :) Can't believe how many time I switch to the second, and they don't get it!

  • Why did Baby Moses believe he was Egyptian?

    Because he was in da Nile.

  • What would Israel be called if it was make believe?


  • What did the pirate pirate say on his 80th birthday?

    I can't believe I'm still illegally downloading movies at this age!"

  • How is evolution and a Union construction job similar?

    They take so long that some people don't believe they don't work.

  • What's the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist?

    You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

  • How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?

    I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "

  • What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

    I can't believe someone would stoop so low.

  • What did one ghost say to another ghost?

    Do you believe in people "

  • Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

    Because he is lying.

  • What's the difference between feminism and Islam?

    One is demonized by the actions and beliefs of a small minority. The other believes in the wage gap myth.

  • Why don't all Libertarian candidates have dwarfism?

    I thought Libertarians believed in small government.

  • Where's the baby?

    while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.

  • How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Allah them. (I googled several varations and thus far I believe I am the originator)

  • Why don't Buddhists have Instagram?

    They don't believe in the concept of a selfie.

  • What did one ghost say to the other?

    Do you believe in people

  • Why did no one believe the Psychologist ever went to the bathroom?

    Because the 'P' is silent

  • What's the dating scene like at MIT?

    Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.