Break Jokes
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What do you suppose broke this window Mr. Holmes?
It's a limb entry, my dear Watson!
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How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
None. They just move out of the house.
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Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me.
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How did Einstein prove you can break the law of relativity?
He married his cousin.
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What does it take to break a Nokia phone?
Microsoft.
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Why fist fights break out at NASA?
Sometimes an argument of perihelion will get out of hand.
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When can't a pencil write out a check?
When it's broke.
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What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?
Quantum Mechanics.
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Why is it hard to break up with a Star Trek fan?
Because they are such Kling-ons.
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What do you get when you combine Bromine with Barium?
Breaking Bad"
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Why did the melon break up with her melon boyfriend?
He told her he *can't elope*.
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How did the stem cell break it to his girl?
It's not you it's me*iosis* Could probably do with some work on deliver as I made it 5 minutes ago
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How many Apple workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to over hype the new lightbulb and one to make sure it breaks within a year.
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What did the mother of the guy who broke his arms say at the beginning of every 'session'?
ssh bby is ok
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Who do Canadians call when their car breaks down?
Triple, eh?
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Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?
Everyone is already in a caste
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What is a broken drum kit's favorite file format?
PDF puh-duh... ffffff
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What can you make and break at the same time?
A racket.
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How Do You Break Up With Your Girlfriend?
www.AshleyMadison.com
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How can you tell if the code is broken?
SW Engineering joke) If India worked on it
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Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye?
Because she was seeing somebody on the side.
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How can you always break even at the casino?
Play the change machines.
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Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
He was a boar.
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Why do you have to nuke siberia twice?
The first one is just to break the ice.
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What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe?
Call a big toe truck.
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What is the hardest thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it. I'm going to hell..
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How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree! I may not be a girl, but I'm blonde and find blonde jokes hilarious. xD
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What did the broken bridge say?
I have truss issues.
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Why does Sunscreen break atomic rule?
It's only SPF
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What do you call a short clairvoyant person who just broke out of prison?
A small medium at large.
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How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
I just need some space."
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?
There was no chemistry.
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How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know. They just keep going on and on about how the last one broke.
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Why did 8 break up with 7?
Because 7 always came first!!!
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How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
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What's that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE Timmy fell in a well GOBBLE GOBBLE breaks turkey's neck no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
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How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
I don't know. It kept breaking my guitar strings so I gave up.
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What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of jail?
A small medium at large
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What is the only thing easier to break than a Razer headset?
Your sister's hymen.
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What did the woman do when she broke up with her boyfriend for her Mexican lover?
Go the other guey.
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What did Diane Feinstein say when her water broke?
Quick we need to get to the abortion clinic before it's too late!
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How many American presidents does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
None, broken lightbulbs have the rights to be treated as a normal lightbulb.
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What did Thor have to wear when he broke his tailbone?
An Asgard.
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What do you do if you break your arm in two places?
Don't go back to those two places.
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Why did the eskimo spend 3 hours arguing with the return counter?
Because the warranty is void if the seal is broken.
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How did the blonde break her leg from raking the leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
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What did the spider say when he broke his new web ?
Darn it !
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Why did the man break the clock?
He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.
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What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
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Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down?
Anubis (If you don't get it, say it slower.)
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What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?
There's been a ground breaking discovery...
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What happens to an Asian guy when they run into a wall with a full erection?
They break their nose!
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When you start getting older, you think, "why not just once?
Soon enough, you're addicted. And broke.
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What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to repost the joke twice before she realizes that it isn't funny anymore
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What do you call a psychic midget that broke out of jail?
A small medium at large
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Why was the tree in prison?
Because it broke every branch of the law.
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How much does the average introvert weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
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Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons?
Because it wanted autumnomy
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What does the future hold?
Global warming, depleted resources, & species going extinct. But also the iPhone 5, so it's break even.
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Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ?
If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete, you'd be shot on the spot.
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Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side.
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What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?
6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
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Why should've Christians chosen farts over bread?
It's more fun to break wind
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What happened to the broken down frog?
It got away!
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How did the two perverts break up?
I think we should see other peepholes."
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How did Helen Keller break her hands?
Reading road signs at 30 MPH
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What did Khloe Kardashian do for a vegetable?
Broke up with James Harden
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How did Helen Keller break her arms?
She tried to read a road sign going 45mph
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How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house?
The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to get out of the driveway.
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How many mottophobics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place
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Why are cows always broke?
The farmers milk them dry.
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Why did the thoroughbred break up with the wild horse?
Because she was looking for a stable relationship.
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What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese women?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
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What's better than breaking the seal on a bottle?
breaking the seal on a rock.
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Why did Romeo and Juliet break up?
They were in a relationship!
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Why do windbreakers smell bad?
Because all they do is break wind.
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How many trannies does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's perfectly happy being broken, it's the fitting that has to change.
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What do you call bad filmography in another dimension?
Breaking the fifth wall.
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How do you know when the Moon is going broke?
When it's down to it's last quarter.
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What can happen when a car breaks down?
A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."
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Why did Mary Poppins break both her legs?
because she had Supercalifrajilistic Osteoporosis
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What did the redneck say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
Its ok, we can still be cousins."
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Why did the English major break up with the pilot?
Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.
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How'd Florida man break his leg raking leaves?
He fell off the palm tree
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Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?
Old habits die hard
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What do you call a pothead that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless
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How did the Idiot break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
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What did the doctor say to the man that broke his arm?
Be patient
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What do you do when your washing machine breaks down?
Give her a slap
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How does Bill Gates fix a broken lightbulb?
He buys a new house.
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Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
Because you're breaking wind.
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What do you get with breaking news?
News casts
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What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes?
Dishrespectful...
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Why do baby boomers like fracking so much?
Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough.
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Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend?
He just needed some space.
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How did Hellen Keller break her arms when she fell down a well?
She was shouting for help.
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How did they invent break dancing?
Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.
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How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?
Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.
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What is the best way to break a shield apart?
Seth Rollins with a chair
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What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?
Build a house next to it.
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What did the oyster say when the monster broke into his home?
Shucks
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Why did the college student change his major from Biology to Physics after his first exam?
He needed to see if how fast his grade dropped broke any laws of physics.
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What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter?
One to three for breaking and entering.
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What broke?
opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! parenting from the bathroom
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What's black, and breaks into houses?
A wrecking ball
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How do you break up with a farmer long-distance?
A John Deere letter.
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What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke?
I literally cant even write now
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What happens when you mix pandas and ammonium?
Pandemonium breaks out.
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What's the term for when the pool breaks during water birth?
A midwife crisis.
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Why Did the Native Americans Car Break Down?
Their Injun died on them!
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What do you call breakfast?
Breaking fast yooo!
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Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
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What did the physicists say when he accidentally broke his resistor?
my ghosh
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How many Apple workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to over hype the new lightbulb and one to make sure it breaks within a year.
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How do you throw an egg at the wall without breaking it?
With the chicken still around it
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How does a tractor break up with its boyfriend?
With a John Deere letter.
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How I broke my cat's knees?
With rude eyes.
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Why did Kermit break up with Miss Piggy?
He wasn't ready for a Kermitment.
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What do you call a story about a broken-down computer mouse?
Depressing. **crickets**
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Why does the forest stink during a storm?
Because the trees break wind.
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What do you do when a horse breaks down?
Call triple neighhh!
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How is a voiceless crow like a Ford dealer?
They both have broken kaa's.
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What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war?
Now you're just Stallin.
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Why is it bad to have a strong American dollar?
It's harder to break bills.
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What does one dog say to the other when he just broke up with his girl friend?
Go and retrieve her!
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Why did the band 999 megabytes break up?
Because they couldn't get a gig.
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Why didn't Jesus' business break even?
It wasn't making enough prophet
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What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.
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What does a cow do after a break up?
Mooves on.
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Where does an atom go when it breaks down?
A quantum mechanic. lel
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Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them they'd break
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How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
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What's the hardest part of breaking up with a leper ?
They always leave a piece of themselves behind.
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away
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What breaks when you give it to a toddler?
Their hips.
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Why did x and y break up?
They couldn't function together.
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What did the green light say to the red light?
I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
Because he needed his space.
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What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
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How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one?
You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE
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Why did r/TwoXChromosomes flood?
The dyke broke.
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Why is an egg like a young horse?
Because it can't be used until it's broken!
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Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Woman?
You have to drop the bomb twice.
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Why is ketchup married to mustard?
Cause ketchup accidentally broke the condiment.
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What would you do if you broke your arm in two places?
Vanderkron: I wouldn't go to these places no more!
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What are you?
Broke.
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Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
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Why was the Windows PC broke?
It ran out of cache.
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What do you get when an ice-cream truck breaks down on the side of the road?
A cold shoulder.
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What does a bug say when it accidentally breaks its exoskeleton?
You gotta be chitin me!
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What type of doctor did Batman visit after Bane broke his back?
A Chiroptopracter.
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How do you break a Polish man's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
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What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common?
They both need a *break* every once in a *while*. edit: this is a three-way pun btw - it works better out loud
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How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
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Who's there ! Allegra ! Allegra who ?
Allegra is broken !
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How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
None. They just move out of the house.
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Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?
Prose before hoes.
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Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
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What do you call a Mexican with a broken-down car?
Joaquin.
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Why did the Moon break up with Earth?
The Moon said they were slowly drifting apart.
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How many 1980s R &?
B divas does it take to fix a broken lightbulb? Just one, but they fix the crack by torchlight
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What do people in florida do when their car breaks down?
Build a house next to it.
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What happened to the american man who broke his leg?
He went... broke.
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How do you break up an Arab Bingo game?
Yell B-52.
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Why did broke man fall over?
He ran out of balance
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Why did the T.V. break up with the remote?
She thought he was too controlling.
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What does a Texan do if he breaks up with his girl friend?
He dates his other sister.
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What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice?
Her: What You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)
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Why did the bird get a ticket?
A: It broke the law of gravity!
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Why did I break up with my spare change?
It was too clingy
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Why did the football player laugh when he broke his arm?
Because it was humerus.
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What if aliens are responsible for global warming?
And this is just their way of breaking the ice.
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Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards?
Because they use a strongly typed language.
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How do I get out this stain?
Fire. How do you fix a car Fire. How do you break up with someone FIRE!
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How do you break up an Al-Quaeda bingo game?
Yell "B-52!"
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Why did the vegetable band break up?
They couldn't keep a beet.
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What do you call a dwarf with a birth defect, is broke and can't drink milk?
Lack toes and tall or rent
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What is a Mexican's favorite Queen song?
I Juan to break free"
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What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken?
No weigh...
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Why did the hipster dislike physics?
Cause the system is broke, yo.
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Why is there so much tension in Iraq?
They Haven't Broke the Isis yet.
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What did the squirrel say when he fell out of the tree and broke his leg?
AAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
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What happened to the egg and his girlfriend?
They broke up.
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What did the eskimo say when her water broke?
Oh no, my ice cracked!
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Why did ranch break up with chicken wings?
Because he blue cheese...
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Who's there ! Alistair ! Alistair who ?
Alistairs in this house are broken !
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Why can't Bane play baseball?
He always breaks the bat.
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Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him?
Because he was pain in the neck!
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Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order?
Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.
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What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
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Why were the locals dissapointed when an old, decrepit, broken down bus rolled into an Egyptian town?
They wished it was Anubis.
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What do rednecks say after they broke up?
We can still be brother and sister.
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Why did the Eskimo break up with his girlfriend?
He just wasn't really Inuit...
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What did Peter rabbit say to his girlfriend when they broke up?
Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."
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What do you call an Italian with two broken hands?
Mute
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What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of prison?
A small medium at large!
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Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house?
Because his gait is broken and his locks are few.
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What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her?
I need some space.
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What is the worst place to have the "you break it, you buy it" rule?
The pet store
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Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow?
She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.
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Why did the broken window not go to the doctor?
He had no more pane
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What does a conspiracy theorist say when he breaks up with someone?
I think we should start seeing other sheeple."
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How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
Two. One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.
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What's the best way to break in a new pair of shoes?
Moonwalking
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How do you make black people break out into song?
Put em' to work!... On a gospel record.
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How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
Two. One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.
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Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?
They were just never on the same page...
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Why did the chemist break his teeth?
He ate a Pb and j sandwich I'd tell you another but all the good jokes argon
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Why did the wheelchair-bound girlfriend break up with her boyfriend?
He kept pushing her around.
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How did the psychiatrist break his leg?
He had a Freudian slip.
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Why did the personal trainer break up with his girlfriend?
She just wasn't working out.
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How do you get banned from a subreddit without breaking the rules?
Post something humorous in . P.S: Is there anyway to ungild myself?
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What happens to a Canadian's car when it breaks down?
The owner calls Triple Eh.
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What do you call someone who tells you they've successfully broken the Law of Excluded Middle?
WRONG.** ... or right, or something in between.
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Who will take the second shot in this pool game?
Find out after the break.
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How do you end a relationship fight?
You break it up.
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.
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What happens when an elephant sits on a car?
It breaks the trunk.
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How do you break a Pollock's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
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What do you call a happy husband?
Broke.
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What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?
A: Luters.
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What happened to the frog that broke down?
It got toad away.
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What's worse?
Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else
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Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
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Why did the fish's car break down?
It needed a tuna-up.
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Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
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Why are most Muslims broke all the time?
They never understood the concept of piggy banks.
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What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror?
Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a condom.
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Why did 6 break up with 7?
Because 7 ate 9 out
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What did the Alaska Native's girlfriend say when she broke up with him?
I'm just not that Inuit."*
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Why didn't your back break, mom?
You're adopted."
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Why did the goat stop trying to break out of jail?
Because he was just tired of being an escape goat.
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What do Chick-O-Sticks and armadillos have in common?
Every time you see one, it's already been broken in half.
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How did Helen Keller break her arm?
She broke it trying to read the road signs.
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What does a lightbulb and a pregnant woman have in common?
Its easy to break the little light inside them.
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Why did the band Wham! break up?
Because he didn't wake him up before he went went. It's , people.
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What happened to Sponge Bob Square Pants when he broke up with his girlfriend?
He went back to square one....
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Who is in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood.
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Why did I break up with my vegan girlfriend?
She refused to swallow animal by-products.
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How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend?
Pasta la vista, baby."
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What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
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Who else would've stolen it?
You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
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Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?
So he could break out.
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Why do russians rush B?
To break the rush-A stereotypes
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How many rocks did Hank Schrader have in his collection by the end of Breaking Bad?
None, they were all minerals.
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Why are ships' portholes round?
So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
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How do functions Break-Up?
They stop calling each other.
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How do you tell a Japanese girl you're breaking up with her ?
You drop it on her twice.
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Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window?
He read that it was an invisible solid.
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What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese.
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Why are churches never broke?
Because Jesus saves.
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Why don't you see Santa for the rest of the year?
Because for the rest of the year he's in prison for breaking into people's houses.
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What do you call an Asian who breaks a lot of wind?
Fa Ting
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What's the difference between healthcare.gov and Derrick Rose?
Healthcare.gov was broken and now it works.
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How do I know ur not a cop?
If I was a cop would I do this " *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is
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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
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Why did the black man try to break into jail?
He wanted to be with his family.
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How did the road break its ankles?
The chicken crossed it.
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How did Kim Kardashian break the net?
She sat on it.
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What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?
On the front page of reddit.
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How many cops does it take to arrest a broken light bulb?
Two. One arrests the room for being black. The other arrests the bulb for being broke.
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What does a Polish guy do on the ice?
He breaks in.
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What do you say when your ex has broken up with you?
Ill call you tomorow
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How's your narcissism?
Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* opens window HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"
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What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law?
Haram Bay
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Why did the radiologist break up with the gold digger?
Because he saw right through her.
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Why did little Jimmy break open his computer?
It said that it had 20 cookies in it.
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How do you break a Polacks finger?
Punch him in the nose.
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Why did the hipster break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't have all the 7" he kept talking about.
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What do you call it when your water breaks and you can't get ahold of the midwife?
A midwife crisis.
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What would have to break to give you 18?
a condom
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Why did Donald Duck break up with Daisy Duck?
Turns out she was a quack whore.
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Why couldn't the redneck kid play baseball?
Because he fell down a stairs and his dad definitely didn't break his legs.
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What did Jonathan Ross say after breaking in to a large kitchen to steal some utensils?
It was worth the whisk
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What are your favorite jokes for the Holidays?
For those of us that struggle with our family perhaps this will help break the ice.
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When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one?
At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees.
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What did Adam say when he broke up with Eve?
I'm turning over a new leaf.
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What do LotR and Brokeback Mountain have in common?
Someone's ring gets broken.
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What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
Remarry
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What do you call a 350 pound stripper?
Broke
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Whats worse than having to break up with your Japanese girlfriend for the first time?
Her not hearing you, so you drop the bomb a 2nd time.
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What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play?
Don't Break the Ice
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How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know... I broke the lightbulb after I threw the first one.
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Who does a lobster have in common with a broken hearted chinaman?
They are both crustaceans.
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What's the difference between a pizza and a baby?
A pizza doesn't scream when you break it in 8.
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Why didn't you check your speedometer?
Driver: It broke when I hit 100.
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What did the two rednecks say after breaking up?
Let's just be cousins.
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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break.
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What did the ascetic say when he broke his fast?
OC I think I'll go on a diet!
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What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf that recently broke out of prison?
A small medium at large. (One of my sister's favourites)
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Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey?
The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece.
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What does a blonde and a shotgun have in common?
You break them at the middle and load them from behind
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When does feminism stop?
When the car breaks down.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
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What did John Wilkes Boothe's stage partner wish him on the day of that tragic night?
Break a leg. So he jumped off the balcony... Sorry that I am not funny.
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What did Humpty Dumpty say to his girlfriend when she said they were breaking up?
Is this some sort of yolk
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How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.
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What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?
It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!
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How did the Egyptian go broke?
He got caught up in a pyramid scheme.
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When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF?
When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice.
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How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it Me: They threw it through the window.
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What's the key to long lasting Relationships?
Not breaking up
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Why I'm Breaking Up With You" Him: Wait, what the--?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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How did the hipster break his neck?
He jump off the diving board before it was pool.
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How did Jared Fogel lose 60 pounds?
He broke up with his girlfriend.
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What do you say to a broken Xbox One?
Nothing, you already said it twice.