British Jokes

  • What drove the British mystery fan insane?

    He lost his Marples.

  • What is a British person's favorite cereal?

    Cheerios. say it in a British accent

  • What is the difference between British and American schoolchildren?

    British schoolchildren survive hide-and-seek.

  • Why aren't there any British Communists?

    Because communists believe all proper tea is theft.

  • What's the difference between a tea cup and pea cup?

    A teacup is what the British drink out of and a pea cup is what the Mexicans drive.

  • What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

    Mind the GAAP.

  • What do you call a British nanny with an MDMA addiction?

    Molly Poppins.

  • Why didn't British explorers dig latrines?

    They had pith helmets.

  • How British is Adele ?

    She would call you at least 1000 times to tell how sorry she is .

  • What's the difference between watts and ohms?

    Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

  • What is the British equivalent of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am?

    Honey!" Nut "Cheerio!"

  • What do you call a short sleeved British shirt?

    A tea-shirt. Please don't hurt me.

  • How do you tell a British guy that it's his turn to play ball?


  • Whats the least paying job?

    British dentist.

  • What did the American biscuit say to the British biscuit?

    Girl you sure are sweet.

  • What's the difference between British crisps and foreign crisps?

    One are Walkers and the others just Lays around.

  • Why'd the British man cross the ocean?


  • What organ do only British people have?

    The Eng gland.

  • What do you call Jimmy Savile walking down the street?

    British ... a paedestrian... *grabs coat, shuffles out of room in silent shame*

  • What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

    Paul stop monkeying around!

  • What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign?

    British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg" Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"

  • What's the best way for an American to lose weight?

    Gamble in British currency.

  • What do British people call concrete?


  • Why did the midget who drove British cars get cabin fever?

    He was mini cooped up for to long.

  • Why are the British known for keeping a stiff upper lip?

    Because it hides their teeth.

  • What's that diving?

    Is it a bird, Is it a plane... No it's the British Pound...

  • How do you greet a British programmer named Cathryn?


  • What do you call a British guy who throws a spear through the knee?

    Britney Spears

  • What does a british man say when he's about to climax?

    I'm arriving

  • Why don't the British make computers?

    They can't figure out how to make them leak oil.

  • What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?

    Nah, mastay

  • What do British girls do to hearts?


  • What does a member of the British Royal Family say when they are reaching climax?

    I"m arriving, I'm arriving."

  • Why can't British people go to North Korea?

    Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "north career" means

  • Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British?

    It's only check, mate

  • What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

    It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.

  • Why was Timothy, the British astronaut, selected to go to the ISS?

    He was in Peake condition.

  • What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal?

    German Shepherd pie.

  • Why don't British people pronounce their T's?

    Because they're all in the Boston harbor."

  • How do you find a British person in a crowd?

    1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.

  • What do you call a British dinosaur?

    A tea rex.

  • What's a British student's favourite drink?


  • What do you call a black prince?

    A british tank you racist.

  • What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?

    He gets a little cross.

  • How do you distinguish a French tank from a British tank?

    The rear-view mirrors

  • What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?

    I feel positively charged!

  • How do Jamaicans pronounce bacon?

    The same way British people pronounce beer can.

  • What do you call a British midget mother who can barely support her family?


  • How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

  • Why are all ants British?

    Because they colonize.

  • What is a British Scholar's favorite store?


  • What do you call a British circle jerk?

    A Union Jack.

  • What do you get when you mix T and C?

    Angry British people!

  • What's in Heaven and Hell?

    In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

  • What's better than having a 'Brexit' vote about Britain leaving the EU?

    Not being British.

  • What does the British monarchy and yeast have in common?

    They're both inbred.

  • How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

  • What language do British wrenches speech?


  • What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

    You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

  • What do you call a British person playing a saxophone?

    An Anglo Saxin'

  • What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?

    A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit) (Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet )

  • What do the British say when they're flirting?

    U wan'a m8?

  • What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty?

    Because they named him Stevie Twoder.

  • Why are British anti-smoking PSA's often made by homophobes?

    Because they want to prevent people from bumming fags