Burn Jokes
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
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What's the difference between a blue 7 and a red 4?
3, duh. (My ex's 9 year old little sister told me this joke, and followed is up with: "and YOU'RE the math guy!" >< Burned.)
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How did Hellen Keller burn her ear?
She answered the iron.
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How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
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What did God say when he made the first black person?
Damn, I burnt one...
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What does weed and the Quran have in common?
If you burn it you get stoned
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What happens when someone spills really hot coffee on you?
You will get burned, you idiot.
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What's the similarity between a burned pizza and parents?
If it's black it won't give you any food
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What do you get when you burn a Hungarian ghost?
Ghoul-ash!
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What did the farmer say when he heard the town gossiping about his cornfield fire?
My ears are burning!"
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What's the difference between babies and love?
Love doesn't burn. What's worst part about making love to a dead baby. Digging up the coffin. How long does take to play hide and seek with a dead baby? It depends how small the pieces are.
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Why do christians burn fossil fuels?
They're trying to destroy the evidence.
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Who's there ! Burns ! Burns who ?
Burns me up !
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What did God say when he made the first black guy?
Oops I burned one!
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Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
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Why is something that keeps you from burning your fingers on a joint called a roach clip?
Because potholder was already taken
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What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?
He got fired.
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How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?
She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
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What is the one smell you can never get out of the house, no matter what you spray or what incense you burn?
Your grandparents.
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Why do people call their weed the Koran?
Because if your burn it, it gets you stoned
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What do you call a Woolworths that has been burned down?
Coles
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What's a feminists favorite music festival?
Burning Man.
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What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant girl have in common?
Failure to pull out in time
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Why did the Boston Marathon runner collapse before finishing the race?
WTF ) His thighs were burning too bad.
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What do you get when you burn down Woolworths?
Coles.
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How do you burn an Irishman ear?
Ring him while he's ironing...
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What do you call a burning rocket?
Korean Barbecue.
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What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus?
He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
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What happened when the shoe factory burned down?
500 soles were lost.
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Why did the woman leave her overweight husband unconscious in a burning building?
Because she couldn't stand him.
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Why don't witches like The Keg?
Because it's always burned at the stake
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Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea?
Because they drink it before it's cool.
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How long does it take to burn a candle down ?
About a wick !
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What do you call a cross between two KKK members?
Burning
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Why did the Afgahni get burnt lips?
Because he tried to blow up a bus.
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How did the hipster burn his hand?
He was into lightbulbs before they were cool.
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What do you say when Kim Kardashian burns to the ground?
Look at all that ash...
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What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?
Is there a dog?
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What do you call a hippie that can't cook?
Burning ham!
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What did the Hulk say when he got trapped in a burning building?
Hulk ash!
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What do cars and humans have in common?
We both burn gas.
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What do the LAPD and computers have in common?
They can both burn C.D's
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Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe
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Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
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What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle?
I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.
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How do you best serve burned food?
Coal'd.
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What is a witch's least favorite food?
Burnt steak.
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What do you call bread so burnt it can never be ate?
Comatoast
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue drinking tea?
Because he didn't wait for it to be cool.
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What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
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Why is baby black?
Wife- You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt!
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What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?
Someone's losing a trailer.
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How do fireflies lose weight?
They burn calories.
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How did the mobster burn his lips on a tailpipe?
He tried to blow up a police car.
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What does a flame smell like?
Burnt nose hair.
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Why did the SSD burn a flag?
Because it was a Patriot Blaze
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How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
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Why is it that in girls tampons commercials they're always laughing and dancing?
Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burning stuff down
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What should you do with a burning Kotex?
Throw it on the ground and tamp on it.
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What's worse than 1 slice of burnt toast?
The holocaust.
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What do you call a Woolworths that burnt down?
Coles.
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What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common?
Some douchebag forgot to pull it out in time.
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What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
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How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
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How did the polish terrorist burn his lips?
Burned them on a cars tailpipe when he tried blowing it up.
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What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?
They all "Feel The Burn!"
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What do you have left after you burn a French alphabet?
H Edit: I don't like explaining jokes but since the first guy didn't get I might as well: When pronounced in a French accent it sounds like ash.
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What if I see a puppy?
What if my house burns down
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Why Did Superman Save a Burning Chemistry Lab?
He was trying to save Krypton
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What happened to the heretical chef?
He was burnt at the steak.
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How do you get a fire started?
You burn some fagots Look up the definition before commenting/down voting...
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How did the blonde burn her ear?
The telephone rang while she was ironing.
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Why can't Charlie Sheen finish the alphabet?
Because when he gets to 'P' it burns.
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Why can you never get caught with a 0 in math?
because cot(0) doesn't exist ... This joke... it burns my eyes...
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What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?
He fell on his ash.
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How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
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What do you call a burning Bible?
Holy smokes.
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What do you get when you burn Baltimore?
Baltiless
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Why did the blind guy have a burnt face?
He answered the iron.
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How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
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How many guys in IT does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to identify that the lightbulb has indeed burned out, and one to call the maintenence man to change the lightbulb.
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What Do the Joker and 60,000,000 people have in common?
They just wanna watch the world burn
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Who burns their own city down?
The people of Ferguson.
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What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common?
Someone didn't pull it out in time.
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What do you call beef that's been burned?
A mis-steak.
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How many dead-heads does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just let it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
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How many anti-social teens does it take to ignore a burned-out light bulb?
None of your business!
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How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for another 15 years.
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What did God say when he saw the first black person?
Ooops, I burnt one!
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When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?
Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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What did Nirvana say when they drove past a burning school bus?
Smells Like Teen Spirits"
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Who is Bobby Long?
and why do all these reggae artists keep talking about wanting to burn him.
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Why are Mistborns always so thin?
Because they're always Burning calories!
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What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?
Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico , and how the smell reminded him of tacos.
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How do you drive a Unitarian out of town?
Burn a question mark on their front lawn.
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How Do You Start a Flood?
An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
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What do Fort McMurray and a 1998 Pontiac Sunfire have in common?
Both are full of white trash and smell like burning oil.
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How did the hipster burn his tounge?
He bit into his flat bread before it was cool!
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What did one pile of burning wood say to the other?
Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
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What do a burnt pizza and a baby have in common?
Some idiot pulled it out to late
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Why did Hellen Kellar burn her ear?
The phone rang and she answered the iron. Why did she burn her other ear They called back.
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What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common?
In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time.
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What do you call someone who promises change but ends up burning millions of undesirables?
Sean Murray and PS4 users
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What burns longer, a red or a green candle?
Neither, they both burn shorter.
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What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
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What's the difference between a cigarette and my exwife?
Cigarettes don't scream when they're burning.
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What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?
You need to cul de sac.
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What do you call a politician in a house fire?
Burning Sanders!
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What did God say when he made the first black man?
Damn, I burnt one."
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Why did the hipster burn their tongue?
They ate their dinner before it was cool.
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How did the hipster burn his fingertips?
He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool. rimshot
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What did one termite say to another in a burning building?
Barbecue tonight!"
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Why did ISIS burn 10000 copies of "Dark Side Of The Moon"?
Because it's a terrible album.
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What did Mr. Burns bring to the pot luck?
Eggsalad
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How did the blind kid burn the side of his face?
He answered the iron
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Why did the arsonist go to the gym?
To burn some calories.
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Why did the hipster's Hot Pocket burn his mouth?
He ate it before it was cool.
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What did the black dude say when his hippie girlfriend asked him to go to burning man with her?
Namaste here
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Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?
Because it was pi-rated.
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What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
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How Many Business Analysts Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
None. The light bulb shall never burn out. (OK. It's more cathartic than funny...)
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What's dumber than three blondes building a house underwater?
Three brunettes trying to burn it down.
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Why shouldn't you burn scented candles inside of a Buddhist shrine?
Because doing so would be incense-itive!
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How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She answered the waffle iron. How did she burn the other side? They called back.
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What did the beaver say when his house burned down?
Damn
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What do you call a burnt nugget?
nigget
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What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?
Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
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What do call a white guy in a burning building?
Fire cracker
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How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just watch it burn out and follow it around for 30 years.
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What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?
If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.
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What does a burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common?
Someone that didn't take it out in time.
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Why did the hot dog vendor cry?
He burned his wiener
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What do a pregnant teenager, frozen beer, and a burned pizza have in common?
Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.
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How did a blind girl burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron
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What do you get if a post office burns down?
Black mail.
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Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun?
It burns too easily
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What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?
An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
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What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?
An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....
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Why did the hipster burn himself?
Because he played with fire before it was cool.
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Why did the worlds shortest feminist burn down a post shop?
Because the mail was always above her.
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What did the orphan say when the orphanage burned down?
Nothing. He just laughed.
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Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.
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What's the difference between a crackhead and a John?
A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him.
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Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
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How can I ever repay you?
Favstar in the bio "Oh I don't have Twi-" *returns baby to burning building*
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What do you call a bunch of white guys in a burning building?
Fire Crackers.
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How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
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What's the difference between a cello and a violin?
A: A cello burns longer.
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What STD is found most commonly among lesbians?
Carpet burn
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What did one candle say to the other?
Don't birthdays burn you up "
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Why do you want to run for President?
Because walking wouldn't burn enough calories.
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What do a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in common?
The guy didn't pull it out fast enough!
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What's it called when a dog burns down a building?
Arfson
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Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
He touched the beaker before it was cool.
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What do you call a burning white guy?
A firecracker
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How did the hipster burn her tongue?
She ate her soup before it was cool