Catch Jokes
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How do you catch defish?
With debate.
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Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.
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What bait do you use to catch a space fish?
A worm hole
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What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire?
That he needed to address the situation
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What is the most popular game played by tornadoes?
Catch my drift
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Why was the algebra teacher arrested on drug charges?
He was caught doing lines of math!
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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
asking for a friend
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Why was the World Trade Center in a hurry?
It had a plane to catch.
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How do you catch a refrigerator?
Well then you better go catch it! Hahaaa
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What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?
Holy smoke!"
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How do you catch a whale?
You wait until last call and use a good pick up line.
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How does a Bee get to work?
He catches a buzz.
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What has four legs and says "hoe de doe, hoe de doe"?
Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.
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What did the sphinx say?
What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme Egypt me!
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What was the name of the operation to catch Juaquin Guzman?
El trapo.
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How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
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What do you call the High Sparrow who is caught molesting kids?
The Deviated Septon.
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How do you catch a steroidal fish?
With A-Rod.
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What did one tomato say to the other?
A: Catch up.
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What pokemon would you catch in Antarctica?
Freezing.
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How do you catch an orange elephant?
I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.
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Why didn't Ronald McDonald like to go fishing?
Because every time he did, he'd catch a whopper.
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How do you catch a unique bunny?
Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bunny? The tame way.
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Why was the communist arrested?
He was caught red handed.
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What happened to the NSFW warning on r/Jokes?
It stopped working like all those who got caught on reddit at work.
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What's the difference between STD's and Pokemon?
I still haven't caught any Pokemon.
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Why did the Chemistry Teacher go to Jail?
He got caught giving alcohol to minors.
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What did Little Bo Peep say to Woody when she got caught screwing Buzz?
You got a friend in me.
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Why don't they let gansters play Quidditch?
Cause gangsters always catch the snitch!
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Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
A: Catch.
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What did the south tower say to the north?
BRB man, I've got to catch a plane. Im soz.
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Why did it take so long to find the bodies of the black firefighters after the building they were in caught fire and collapsed?
Cause the building collapsed, duh.
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How do you catch a terminator?
With a skynet
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What Pokemon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro?
Zikachu.
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What do you call someone who keeps trying to catch your interest even though you already said you're not interested several times?
Windows 10.
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Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig?
He knows a little ham goes a long way.
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What was the man running around ?
from my 5yr old son Because he wanted to catch some sleep.
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What do you call and autistic child caught in a house fire?
A baked potato
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What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
It won't be long now...
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Why do people leave letters at the football ground ?
They want to catch the last goal-post !
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What did the caught fish say to the fisherman in the net?
Well man it's been reel.
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Why don't Pokemon cards ever have any typos?
Because the editors know that they gotta catch 'em all!
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How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
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What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver?
I'm at your service ma'am.
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What happened to the tree after it caught fire?
It became entally handicapped
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What's left of a garden after it catches on fire?
Chard remains.
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Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
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What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire?
I'm getting the fudge outta here!"
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What did Mulan's grumpy elderly friends say when they caught her with Li Shang?
Get off Mu-lan!!!"
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Why are the busiest paleontologists always rednecks?
Because they are always caught up in some type of relative dating.
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Why can you never get caught with a 0 in math?
because cot(0) doesn't exist ... This joke... it burns my eyes...
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What's the difference between a Porsche and a KIA?
Paul Walker wouldn't be caught dead in a KIA.
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What happened when a whore house caught on fire?
Some came out running, others ran out coming.
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Why did the Jonestown jokes never catch on?
The punchlines were too long.
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What did the chicken say after it's wings caught on fire?
Damn, I sure got some hot wings!"
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Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?
The Cowboys Stadium. Because they can't catch anything there.
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What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?
You. Why I oughta...! Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!
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Why is fishing dangerous?
Sometimes, there's a catch
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How did the bad Canadian fisherman describe his only catch of the day?
Aboot this big"
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What do you tell an Irishman if you catch him urinating?
European.
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What do The Police do to catch criminals easily?
Sting operation, of course!
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What's the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?
Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Volvo
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What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Peewee Herman have in common?
They were both caught with hands in their drawers.
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What did the dealer say to Ted when he caught him stealing heroin?
Your addicted.
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What do you call an Eagle who can't catch it's prey?
Talon*tless. ...Sorry.
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How do you catch a rabbit?
You hide in a field and make carrot noises.
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How do you catch a peculiar rabbit?
Unique up on it.
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What do you call two Mormons caught in the rain?
Washing your whites on a rinsed cycle.
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What's the biggest fish you ever caught?
That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's not so big!" "Between the eyes "
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Why did the Yield Sign want to divorce the Stop Sign?
He caught her in a 4-way
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How did you know that the janitors were dating?
They were caught sweeping together.
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Whats The difference between Stealing Cookies from a Jar and Child Molesting?
Ive only ever been caught stealing cookies.
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Why is the Ferguson Police Department a fan of Pokemon?
Because you gotta catch Jamal
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How did I get here?
I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower.
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How do you catch a runaway laptop?
With an Internet.
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Why was the CEO of Pepsi fired?
They caught him with an ounce of coke in his system.
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What has four legs and yells "Hodi doh, hodi doh?
Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.
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Why did Samsung make the Galaxy Note 7 waterproof?
It can't catch fire underwater... I think.
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What did the left tower say to the right tower?
I gotta catch a plane
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Why couldn't anyone catch the hippie?
He was way to high, man.
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Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who?
Daisy me rollin. They hatin. Patrollin and tryna catch me ridin dirty.
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Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?
Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.
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Why is Harry Potter so popular in prison?
Because he catches all the snitches!
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What STD can you catch from Mayor McCheese?
None, but you can get food poisoning.
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What is faster hot or cold?
Hot because you can actually "catch a cold".
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in mud, and cross again after being caught by the mafia?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.
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How do you catch digital fish?
With clickbait, of course!
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Why did the pervert cough when he was caught molesting a pony?
He was feeling a little horse.
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How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
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What do you call it when a car full of Mexicans catches fire?
Baked beans
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How does Mulan's boyfriend explain himself when she caught him smoking pot?
Shanghai
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What did the chinese guy tell the police when he was caught?
You got the Wong guy.
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What do you call a Pikachu caught in Brazil?
A Zikachu
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What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common?
Both give you a good chance of catching something
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How do you catch a Swedish fish?
With a gummy worm as bait
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What did one tower say to the other?
I've got a plane to catch
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How did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
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Why did the 25 year old cross the street?
To catch a charmander.
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Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive?
Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he saw a dolphin caught in a net?
It's not a too-nah!"
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Why didn't you stop at that red light?
Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.
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What does a fisherman say when he catches a fish?
His catch-phrase. Short n' Sweet, hope you like it!
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What did the chemist say when he caught his brother stealing halogens?
Bro, mine
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Why did the bear run around his bed?
He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
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Why was the man arrested at the farmers' market?
He was caught taking a leek.
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What does Pokemon Go and a policeman have in common?
You gotta catch Jamal
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Why are you still using it?
Sentimental attachment. -It just caught fire. -Aww, just like old times.
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What happened to the Polish dog?
He chewed off 3 legs and was still caught in the trap
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What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team
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How long does a United States Congressman serve?
ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
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What do you call a seagull that catches you sleeping?
A baegull.
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Why are black people afraid of motorcycles?
They'd get caught in the chain.
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Why don't you people see how racist Pokemon Go is?
All of my friends are now talking about how they have to catch Amal.
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What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
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How'd you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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Why was the baker happy when his pie caught fire in the oven?
He was a pieromaniac.
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How many Pokmon does it take to change a light bulb?
Not sure, gotta catch them all first!
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What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
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Why did King Kong go to the airport?
He had a plane to catch.
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Why don't hypochondriacs... Why don't hypochondriacs use lighters?
They're afraid of catching fire!
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What do Baptists and cats have in common?
You know they're doing it, you just can't catch them at it.
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What's the smallest thing in the universe?
A pebble caught between the wrinkle of a flea's ball.
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Why was the pianist arrested?
He was caught playing in A minor.
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What did the Asian guy say when he was caught sleeping with another man's wife?
Me love you wrong time.
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What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan?
It took ears off his life!
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What does Bill Cosby have in common with a Pokemon trainer?
He makes sure his catch is weak before he throws his balls at them.
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What do you say when trying to catch the elevator?
Hodor! Hodor!"
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Where do they send trickster tuna when they catch them?
A Tuna Chi-Cannery
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Why did the rooster get 20 years in prison?
He got caught on the internet, looking up chicks.
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What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him
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Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one.
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Why was the paper man sent to jail?
He was caught rustling.
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What's something that you can catch but not throw?
feelings. T.T
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Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
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What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
Wait, I can explain everything!
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What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah ?
A dog that chases cars - and catches them !
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What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?
To catch a predator. Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5? Because they can't even! Why do white people have so many pets? Because owning people is not legal anymore Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) They seem to be really rare.
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How did Princess Aurora catch her prince?
She became a sleeper agent
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How do you catch a red elephant?
A: With a red elephant trap.
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Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police?
Because he needed *arrest*!!!
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How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up....
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How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?
He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.
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How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear?
It was a brief chase...
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Why did the thalidomide man get stopped going through customs?
He was caught in the possession of small arms
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How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?
You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.
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How do you catch a Douchebag?
JerkBait.
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Who's there ! Alf ! Alf who ?
Alf all if you don't catch me!
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How much for it?
Just take it "For free What's the catch " No strings attached. "You son of a bit.."
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What did the charlie hebdo attackers said after being caught ?
Hey , they drew first"
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What falls down faster from a tree, a leaf or an emo?
A leaf. The rope catches the emo.
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Why did the Aggie take a golf club and a baseball glove storm chasing with him?
To golf the golf ball size hail and catch the baseball size hail
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How do you catch a dyslexic fish?
Ya get it Hooked on Phonics!
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What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him?
Nana boo boo
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What do Bill Cosby and the Little Dutch Boy have in common?
Both were caught with their finger in the dyke.
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Why didn't the black kid play Pokemon?
He was afraid they were trying to catch Jamal.
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What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it at you.
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What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus?
Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus...
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What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes?
HOLY MACKAREL!
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Why did Marxism never catch on in England?
Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.
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How do you catch a unique rabbit ?
you neek up on it.
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How did the high speed car chase end?
Caught eem! Hahaaa caught eem.
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What did the tailor tell the thieving nun when he caught her red-handed?
You better not make a habit out of this.
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Why did the man who robbed the liquor store with a boomerang get caught?
Because he couldn't throw away the evidence
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Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
To catch her false teeth.
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Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?
Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.
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Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts?
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with his broomstick.
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Why are tuna fish so bad a playing Tennis?
They keep getting caught in the net!
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How did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood?
His hand caught fire.
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Why were they caught so quickly?
They squealed on each other.
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What do you call a women that catches fish?
Annette
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What are french journalists good at catching?
Bullets.
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Which song would an exception sing?
Can't catch me - Avicii
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What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.
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How do you catch a click?
Clickbait
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What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?
I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)
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Why Yao-Ming tries to catch Pikachu?
He's from Team Rocket
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What sort of net is useless for catching fish ?
A football net !
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What do you call it when an Irish band is caught lip syncing?
Sham rock.
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Why did the light turn red?
You would too if you were caught changing in the middle of the street!
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What's the best thing a midget can catch?
Air.
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What is it called when Venom snake gets spotted doing something bad?
Getting caught red handed!
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Why should a man never bang his best friend?
He'll probably catch fleas
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What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work?
I'll catch you later!
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What do you call it when an author catches you off guard with innuendo?
Surprise subtext.
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Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch!
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What do you call a drug factory that catches fire?
A pot roast
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Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
He was caught poaching.
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What fever did Joe Dirt catch on vacation after getting bit by a mosquito?
Deeeeeeeeeeengue
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What kind of bait do you need to catch a master fish?
Super Bait
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Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory?
He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated.
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How did the Egyptian go broke?
He got caught up in a pyramid scheme.
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How do you catch a green elephant?
Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.
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Why was the penguin banned from the Winter Olympics?
He was caught taking Polaroids.
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Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?
Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.
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How is prison like quidditch?
The game ends when they catch the snitch
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Why didn't Pinocchio make it thru puberty?
He caught on fire.
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What do they say when batman catches a cold?
He's ben affleckted.
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Where the hell are u?
ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there
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How do you catch a WiFi?
With an ethernet!
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What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ?
Fished but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
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What did the fisher say to the fishkin?
Catch you later
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What was the name of the meth cook who got caught stealing baked beans?
Heinzenburg
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What do Amish people catch when they start using technology?
Mennonitis!
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What did batman say to the joker when he finally caught him?
Gotham
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Where do Robots go for fun?
The Circuits! (this is a joke i made up when i was like 10, i don't think it ever caught on)
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What did the atheist fisherman say when asked about his catch?
There is no cod
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Whatever's the matter ?
asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
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How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?
I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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What's the difference between a women's doctor and a kick returner?
The returner can catch a punt...
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What do you call a bread that catches a cold?
Flu-catcher bread
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Why did the Irish man never get caught drink driving?
Because he never left the pub.
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Why did the railroad thief get caught?
He forgot to cover his tracks! im
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How did the musician catch his fish?
He castanet
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Why was the chef fired?
He was caught stroganoff
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Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?
So he could break out.
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Why didn't the panda use a glove when playing baseball?
Because he caught everything bear handed!
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Why did the hipster never catch a fish?
Because he didn't go in the mainstream
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Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?
He was caught counting carbs.
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When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood?
when his hand caught fire!!