Catholic Jokes
-
What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?
A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.
-
Why are Catholics the worst drivers?
They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).
-
What do catholic body builders lift?
Their guilt.
-
What do you call a nun who is outside her local calling area?
A roamin' Catholic.*
-
What does a Catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
-
What did the Catholic baker say after baking the Easter Eucharist?
He is risen.
-
How do you get a Catholic nun pregnant?
Dress her as a choirboy
-
What do you usually find with four Catholics?
A fifth.
-
What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common?
They both give kids a little head.
-
How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don't know, the pope hasn't said yet. How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, Lutherans don't change.
-
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin Catholic
-
What do Catholic priests and the Zika Virus have in common?
They both give kids a little head.
-
Which punchline do you like better?
What do you call a nun that sleep-walks a) A Roamin' Catholic b) An unconscious habit
-
What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest?
Alien vs. Predator
-
What do you call a nun that sleep-walks?
a) A Roamin' Catholic b) An unconscious habit
-
What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist?
A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.
-
When do Catholics allow the use of condoms?
When the choir boys have diarrhea.
-
Why did got object to the wedding between the catholic man and the catholic woman?
He doesn't approve of same sect marriage
-
What's the difference between Catholics and Protestants?
Protestants have sects.
-
What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay?
You get a Christian Bale
-
Why did the Catholic Priest cross the road?
To get to the school yard.
-
What do you call a nun that is going for a walk?
A roamin catholic
-
How many catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE !
-
What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song?
Can't Touch This"
-
How many catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE !
-
Why don't catholics wear condoms?
Because little boys can't get pregnant.
-
How many wife's does a catholic priest allowed to have?
Nun
-
What is a Catholic priest's dream second job?
Warden at juvenile detention center.
-
Why are cats against abortion?
Because they're CATholic
-
Why don't catholic priest believe in condoms?
Because little boys can't get pregnant.
-
What do you find with 4 Catholics?
A fifth.
-
How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don't know, the pope hasn't said yet. How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb None, Lutherans don't change.
-
What do r/jokes subscribers and Catholic priests have in common?
Both think the shorter the better.
-
Which do Catholic priests like betterapples or cherries?
Neitherthey prefer boysenberries.
-
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, because little boys don't fit in a lightbulb.
-
Why are all early birds Catholics?
Protestant birds don't really want a Diet of Worms.
-
How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?
By sending in millions of Muslims
-
What is a Catholic's favorite weapon?
Nun-chucks.
-
What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?
Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle. Extra: What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
-
What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?
A Catholic will say hello when he sees you in the liquor store.
-
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, because little boys don't fit in a lightbulb.
-
How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?
Nun
-
What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint?
Catholic
-
How can you tell the difference between a catholic, a baptist, and a Methodist?
A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out. A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out. A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their way out of the store.
-
Why would a Catholic priest start practicing at a prison?
He ran out of little boys
-
Why shouldn't we talk about Catholic Priests?
It's a touchy subject.
-
How do Catholic church priests stay healthy?
They exorcise.
-
What are the two primary motions in Catholic feet?
Genuflection and supplication
-
What's the difference between a catholic and and a catoholic?
One is devoted to following to rules laid down by those who consider their will that of the divine. The other is a type of christian.
-
What's a Catholic's favorite way to send money?
PayPal
-
What do pimples and catholic priests have in common?
They both start coming on boys' faces around age 13.
-
What do you call it when a Catholic remodels his kitchen?
A counter reformation.
-
What do you call a horny Catholic?
A firm believer.
-
Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned?
So Catholics could do this makes the sign of the cross, instead of this bangs self in head with fists.
-
What's the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest?
A pimple waits until you're 13-years-old before coming on your face.
-
How do you insult a Catholic?
Any way you like, they have to forgive you!
-
How did the Catholic Priest finish the marathon?
He was second to Nun.
-
How are Chile mining companies and catholic priests different?
Chile mining companies get their minors stuck in shafts while catholic priests get their shafts stuck in minors
-
What do Catholics and Baptists have in common?
Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
-
Why do Catholics drink?
because they're filled with the Holy Spirit
-
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a roman catholic.
-
What's the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest?
One gets their miners stuck in a shaft, and the other gets his shaft stuck in a minor.
-
What do a Catholic Priest and second place have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
-
What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
-
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
-
What do you call it when a Catholic renovates his kitchen?
A counter reformation.
-
What do a drunken cat and the pope have in common?
They're both Catholics.
-
How did the little boy save the catholic priest's life?
He found a lump on his testicle.
-
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest... ... and an e-cigarette-puffing GI Joe Action Figure collector?
Well, one is a toy-loving vapist...
-
What do you call sleep walking nun?
Roaming Catholic
-
What do Catholics and guitar players have in common?
Neither of them practice.
-
What do you call a Christian who visits shrines?
A roamin' Catholic.
-
Did you know that protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were catholic.