Child Jokes

  • What do children think of the world?

    I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.

  • What has 4 legs but cant move?

    A child born in Chernobyl, duh.

  • What did the sign say?

    Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :(( Me: Rules are rules.

  • Why do asian parents give their children short names?

    More time on tests.

  • What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?

    I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.

  • When is a parent like a child?

    When he's a miner.

  • What about our child ?

    Wife: What What child Husband: So you are not pregnant

  • Why didn't Jesus have any children?

    He only got nailed by guys )

  • What is small, crying and cannot get under the table?

    A child with pitchfork in his back

  • Why are black people so good at jumping?

    As developing children their knee grows.

  • Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for christmas?

    He had been illumi-naughty

  • How many children does Jamal have?

    show your work.

  • What do you call children born into a whorehouse?

    Your kids

  • What did the priest say to the child at the playgrounds?

    Its a slippery slope.

  • What do children in north korea study for a science?


  • What happened to Mr. Chin after all 10 of his children disappeared?

    He developed a ten Chin deficit disorder.

  • What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?

    A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.

  • What's your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren't just playing?

    Possum: Oh yeah

  • What are the similarities between my work shirt and the children of Flint, MI?

    They both were recently ironed.

  • What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

    The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

  • What's the difference between a pot head and a person who physically abuses children?

    One is good at rolling blunts, the other is good at bowling runts.

  • Why didn't the ghost have any children?

    Because he had a Halloweenie!

  • What do you call am alligator in a vest?

    An illogical situation imagined by a child.

  • Where is children?

    Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.

  • Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

    So we can think about a solution in silence

  • Why didnt the witch have any children?

    Because her husband had a hollow weenie

  • What's worse than ten children in one bucket?

    One child in ten buckets.

  • What is the outside of a tree called?

    Student:I don't know. Teacher: Bark, my child, bark. Student: Bow, wow, wow.

  • What did the Momma Buffalo say to her child as he left for school?

    A: Bison!

  • Why can't children watch pirate movies?

    Because they're rated

  • What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

    A: They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

  • Why don't Raggedy Ann & Andy have any children?

    Cotton balls

  • Why was the lightning bug unhappy?

    Because her children were not very bright.

  • Why are Democrats stupid enough to believe in climate change?

    Because they were vaccinated as children.

  • What did the hot dogs name their child?


  • What is the collective noun for children?

    A migraine.

  • Why was the glow worm unhappy ?

    Because her children weren't that bright !

  • Why do Mexicans keep naming their child Jesus?

    Jesus wasn't Mexican. He was human.

  • What's the difference between an elevator and a black guy?

    The elevator can raise a child.

  • What will Kim Jong-Un name his child?

    Kim Jong-Deux.

  • What do you call a child who shoots with twigs at a PTSD victim?


  • Why can't your children be like my office voice mail?

    Seen but not heard

  • Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?

    1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

  • What did the Buffalo say when his child left for college?


  • Why could Frankenstein's Monster not have children?

    Because his nuts were in his neck!

  • How does a Chinese family name their children?

    They throw 3-9 pots and pans down a flight of stairs.

  • How do Chinese parents pick a name for their child?

    Throw an aluminum pan down the stairs.

  • Why did Darwin love CSS?

    Because children inherit properties from their parents.

  • Why did the priest cross the road ?

    To screw in the children that were crossing the road

  • How many Duggar does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    They screw children, not light bulbs.

  • Why do women and children evacuate first in an emergency?

    So the men can go on Reddit and repost this joke.

  • What do you call the child of two parents with downs syndrome?

    A hand-me-down.

  • What game did the dentist play when she was a child?

    Caps and robbers

  • What kind of milk do the wealthiest people in the world give to their children?


  • What does a child without arms get for x-mas?

    gloves! nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet

  • How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

    I don't need a lightbulb when I have the furnace ready.

  • Where would Helen Keller park her car?

    On top of three children.

  • What do you call a virgin in West Virginia?

    An only child....

  • What did the children with no arms and legs get for Christmas?


  • What do you call the child of a magician and a potato?

    A prestidigitator tot!

  • What the difference between a ISIS member and a child?

    I don't know, I just fly the drones.

  • How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child?

    A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.

  • What do Mexican parents and good reddit comments have in common?

    They have lots of children.

  • How many children does it take to change a light bulb in America?

    About 1 thousand Iraqis.

  • What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?

    Nobody knows yet.

  • Why do Baptists have so many children?

    They only use holy condoms.

  • Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

    Because then the children have to play inside.

  • What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital?

    Oy vey!"

  • What is another word for children who haven't learned how to do math?


  • What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

    One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

  • What is the third child's name?


  • What is the difference between black, morbid and brutal humor?

    Black humor - 12 children in one trash can Morbid humor - 1 children in 12 trash cans Brutal humor - 12 trash cans in one children

  • What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?


  • How many children did Josh Duggar molest?

    19 kids and counting. Too soon? :/

  • What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children?

    Fight for your right to padre

  • What bounces and makes little children cry?

    My donation check to Feed the Children!

  • How do Chinese people know what to name their children?

    After the last dog they just ate.

  • What did the Mexican Firefighter name his two children?

    Jose and Hose B

  • What is the difference between a Black Guy and an elevator ?

    One can raise a child

  • Where do children learn their ABC's ?

    At LMN-tary school !

  • What about you?

    me: define "child"

  • Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

    So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

  • How many children with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Wanna go swimming?

  • Why did he do that?

    Who is she What does that mean When did that happen Why How I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema

  • Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?

    Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years? Michael Jackson

  • Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?

    Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

  • What's a clowns favorite thing to do?


  • What do you call a child with no friends?

    A target

  • What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?

    A balloon animal!

  • What did the Elephant say while scolding her children?

    Tusk Tusk I am so sorry

  • What's the difference between your child and your husband?

    At least you can leave your child alone with the babysit

  • Why do people say children are the future?

    They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.

  • What does a child with stickers have in common with a cocaine addicted DJ?

    They both love to scratch and sniff. (sorry if it's a repost I'm not here often)

  • How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?


  • Whats the difference between children and lesbians?

    Children shouldn't run with scissors. Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs.

  • Why doesn't Casper have any children?

    He has a hollow-weiner.

  • How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

  • What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a priest?

    Only one of them goes limp when a child walks into a room.

  • What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa?

    An eggnogstic

  • What do you call a child afraid of Santa?


  • What do you call children born in whore houses?

    Brothel sprouts...

  • How are children like cellphones?

    If youve lost one and havent found it in a couple days, chances are its probably dead.

  • What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

    A schoolbus full of children.

  • What do you call it when a non-binary gendered couple has a legal dispute over custody of their children?

    A transparency review.

  • What kind of punch hurts children the most?

    A sandy hook.

  • What will they name their child?

    Donald Dump

  • Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents ?

    Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.

  • Why do Physicists make terrible parents?

    They think their children are small enough to neglect! Adapted from a Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, I forget which one.

  • What do you get when a Mexican and Muslim have a child?

    A kid who loves halalpenos

  • What did the child with no arms get for Christmas?

    Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet.

  • Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition?

    Ah yes wax would go well with this cake and you know what else Child spit.

  • Where do black parents get gifts for their children?

    At Toys We Is

  • Why couldn't the lizard have any children?

    It had a reptile dysfunction!

  • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

    One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with... And the other carries groceries.

  • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies?

    Disney movies can still touch children.

  • What is your sin, child?

    My husband and I are arguing That's very common. ...about my boyfriend.

  • What is the difference between Reddit and children's television?

    Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.

  • What do you call a child that's good at digging?

    A minor

  • Where do children that die home alone go?


  • Why was the sterile Grizzly upset?

    Because he couldn't Bear children.

  • How does a black mother tell her children apart?

    She remembers them by their last names.

  • What's the difference between having a badly poured draft beer and having a child with Down's Syndrome?

    If the head's too big on your beer, you can blow it off.

  • How many children do I want to have?

    Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

  • What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

    I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

  • How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

    Take away their beds...

  • How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children?

    You put a guitar in his hands.

  • What's the difference between children and Isis?

    Drones can't tell either

  • What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?

    Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

  • What does a drug addict and a child have in common?

    They both want tablets for Christmas.

  • What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

    asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

  • What do you call children who are afraid of Santa ?

    They are Clausaphobic

  • What is your sin, my child?

    Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

  • What's black, grey, and red all over?

    A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

  • What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

    They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

  • Why did the children cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide.

  • How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

    Let's go ride our bikes!

  • What's the worst thing you can do in the name of cupidity?

    Going to Thailand with your own children

  • How do you know that the Invisible Man doesn't have any children?

    Because he's not apparent.

  • Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?

    Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child

  • What body part do adults have two of and children have four of?


  • Why can't priests have children?

    Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

  • What do you call a robot that doesn't support his children?

    Nuts and bolts

  • Why are foodfights forbidden in japanese schools?

    The children always end up with lice in their hair.

  • Why are Catholics the worst drivers?

    They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).

  • What are children generally better at then adults?

    Giving the pope an errection

  • What does Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?

    They are both made of plastic and get turned on by children!

  • What do you call children born of ginger people?


  • What do you call a child with no arms and no legs swimming in a pool?


  • Why did the child have two black eyes?

    Because telling them once wasn't enough.

  • What do you call the child of two redheads?

    Ginger bread

  • How are children like slinkies?

    It's fun to toss them down stairs.

  • What bounces and makes kids cry?

    The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

  • Why was the mother flea so unhappy?

    All her children had gone to the dogs.

  • What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

  • What's the difference between Beyonce and a shopping bag?

    A shopping bag can carry a child.

  • Why shouldn't Canadian adults laugh at children who believe in the Easter Bunny?

    Because most of them still believe in Justin Trudeau

  • Why parents don't allow their children to listen to M. Jackson songs?

    because they are very touching

  • How do you stop your children from smoking?

    Slow down and use some lubricant.

  • What makes a grown man cry?

    Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

  • What did the child with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?


  • Where Your Children Are?

    Even worse, the next song is called, "Can You Give Me Directions "

  • What happens when a soviet and a german have a child?

    I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.

  • What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children?

    A PDFile.

  • What do you call it when your child teaches you something they are interested in?

    A: Learning from your mistakes.

  • What do a good joke and a child with cancer have in common?

    They never get old.

  • What do farts and children have in common?

    You love your own, but hate everyone else's.

  • Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?

    She thought children should be seen and not herded!

  • What would Kim Jong Un call his children?

    His young'uns

  • How do Asian's name their children?

    Throw a frying pan down the stairs and listen to the sounds. *Ting tong tow*

  • What did the U.S airdrop the the children of Syria?

    Dead parents

  • Why couldn't the clown make balloon animals for the children?

    With inflation raising the cost he couldn't afford it.

  • What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in?

    Booze Clues.

  • What did the Irish man and the mongol woman name their child?

    Lepre Kahn

  • Why do you give children who swallowed poison some milk?

    To make them happy before they die.

  • What do you call innocent women and children dying in the middle east?


  • Why couldn't the birthday clown make balloon animals for the children?

    With the rising cost of inflation he couldn't afford it anymore.

  • What do Disney movies and coathangers have in common?

    They can both bring out the child from within.

  • What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?

    A stand up driver.

  • How does a Syrian family have a meal?

    The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.

  • What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box?

    Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.

  • What do you get when you cross a child and an alligator?

    An alligator.

  • What's the difference between refrigerator and a child?

    Refrigerator doesn't have a 'd' in it.

  • What was the last thing that went through the Sandy Hook child's mind?

    A bullet. I apologize if that joke was aimed for a younger audience. I love Sandy Hook jokes, they never get old. Just like those children.

  • How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

    Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

  • What part of your computer is most likely to molest your child?

    The PDF file. What part of your computer is most likely to molest your child The PDF file.

  • What's the difference between parents who don't vaccinate their children and ISIS?

    One is a group made up of radicals with extremist views. And the other group is ISIS.

  • What is the difference between a black man and an elevator?

    An elevator can raise a child.

  • Why were the children jumping for Joy?

    Because Joy was stuck on the roof.

  • Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?

    Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

  • Why doesn't ISIS attack Israel?

    Same reason children don't attack their parents...

  • Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

    So the men can think of a solution in silence.

  • Why was the woman with no children so good at konami games?

    She takes contraceptives.

  • Why why why after all these years?

    They say "We were waiting for the children to die."

  • How do mathematicians scold their children?

    If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."

  • What chord does a piano make when it drops on a child?

    A-flat minor

  • What did the Mexican fireman name his children?

    Jose and Hose B

  • Why do geologists have children with birth defects?

    Because they practice relative dating!