Christmas Jokes
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Why doesn't UGA ever have a nativity scene at Christmas?
Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
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What did the deaf, blind dumb kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
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What do Robin Williams and Joan Rivers want for Christmas?
A. Betty White.
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How does Trent Reznor's mom hang up his Christmas stocking?
With a Nine Inch Nail.
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Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because Oct31 = Dec25
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What did the black kid get for Christmas?
My bike
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What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet?
There's Noel.
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What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?
Because Dec 25 = Oct 31
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What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'?
They are both santa clauses.
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What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas?
Nothing, he didn't make it that far.
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What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells
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What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas?
AIDS
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What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust?
Easy Bake Ovens
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What did Santa give the blind, autistic, paraplegic kid with down syndrome for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What do Hispanic weeaboos say on Christmas?
Feliz NYAHHHH-vidad
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How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
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Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving?
Because oct 31 = dec 25
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What did David Bowie want for Christmas?
Carrie Fisher.
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What will fall on the lawn first?
An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue
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What did the testicle say to the other testicle?
Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!
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What did the deaf, blind, crippled kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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Why did the computer programmer put up his Christmas lights on Halloween?
He always gets DEC 25 and OCT 31 confused.
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What is better than getting a N64 on Christmas?
Getting a N64 now
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What did the kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ?
A phantomime !
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Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
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What am I not taking on Christmas this year?
Noels
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What's the best thing about having insomnia?
Only one nights sleep til Christmas!
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What does an orphan get for Christmas?
Really lonely.
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What did Piotr get for christmas?
Your iPod!
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How do you know the Alphabet is celebrating Christmas?
When there is no "L" ("Noel")
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What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas?
We don't know she hasn't opened her presents yet.
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What did the tv get for Christmas?
Replaced
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What do you get a body builder for Christmas?
A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.
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What's a virgin's favorite Christmas song?
Single Bells"
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What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?
They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.
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What do elephants sing at christmas ?
Noel-ephants Noel-ephants...
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What did the Reddit admins do for Christmas?
removed
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Why did my family serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap for Christmas breakfast?
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
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Why can't you have Christmas dinner in the EU?
Because there is no Turkey
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Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
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What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
I don't know. He still hasn't opened his gifts.
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What did the Blind, Deaf man get for Christmas?
Cancer
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Why was the man allergic to Christmas?
Because it's the reason for the sneason.
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Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?
Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.
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What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas?
Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.
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What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?
new gloves for the cold days
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What do you want for Christmas?
Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend
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What do you get Devin Hester for Christmas??
A: Nothing - he'll just return it!
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What did the blind, paraplegic kid get for his christmas?
cancer
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What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.
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Why didn't Timmy get his parents Christmas presents?
He's an orphan.
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Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.
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What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?
Coincidence on 34th Street
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What will Tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents?
An elf driving car
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Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for christmas?
He had been illumi-naughty
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What did the guy without hands get for christmas?
We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet
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What did Timmy get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What will santa bring your fish this christmas?
A scale letrix!
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What did the boy with no legs and arms get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What did the blind paraplegic child get for Christmas?
Cancer. Happy new years folks!
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What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common?
Their balls are only for decoration.
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What did the blind, one-legged retarded kid get for Christmas?
cancer
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What does Eckhart Tolle get for Christmas?
Presence
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What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
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What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?
I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas
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Why is Halloween a crackheads' favourite holiday?
Only two more sleeps til' Christmas!
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How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?
Tell her a joke at Christmas
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What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?
Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift
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What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration
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What does deaf, mute and blind person get for christmas?
Cancer
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What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.
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Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?
Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)
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How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
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Why does the KKK like christmas?
Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.
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What did the little girl with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
Cancer. :(
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What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
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What did Jamal get for Christmas?
Your Bike
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What did the blind, deaf, mute girl get for Christmas??
Cancer.
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What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?
Gee, you knit
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What do priests and christmas trees have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
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Why isn't Christmas spelled Christmals?
Because Noel.
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Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?
Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"
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What's the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe?
I don't hang mistletoe at Christmas time
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What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common?
Cold turkey
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What did the guy with no arms and no legs get for christmas?
Cancer.
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What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common?
They both have Sandy Claws.
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What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?
Gloves! Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.
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How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?
A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !
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Why didn't the tree get any presents for Christmas?
He was knotty.
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How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ?
Chick to chick !
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What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?
Mean-opoly.
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What did Santa Clause give all the naughty boys and girls for Christmas this year?
He made them Batman.
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Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled?
Because he's a bad wrapper
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What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Platform shoes !
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What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out
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What are your best family friendly Christmas jokes?
I need some for tonight.
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Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !
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Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
Santa Clues.
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Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?
Treeson.
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What did the blind and deaf girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !
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What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas?
His verdict.
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What did the children with no arms and legs get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What did the homeless got for Christmas?
Hypothermia.
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Where is the 'L' in christmas?
There is noel
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What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pear. P.s. got this joke in a cracker. If anybody gets it can you please explain it. My family is stumped.
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What did the sea say to the shore?
Nothing, he just waved. Christmas crackers are the worst.
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Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
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What did the blind paraplegic get for Christmas?
cancer.
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What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas?
Baaaaaahumbug
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Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.
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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes
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What song do you sing if you're not a fan of Christmas?
Sigh-lent night
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How does NASA organize their Christmas party?
They planet
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What is another name for Santa's elves?
Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.
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What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?
A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.
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How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas?
He was de-lighted.
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What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop?
WRAP MUSIC!
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What would've happened if Jesus Christ didn't make Christmas?
It would've just been "mas".
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Why did Sally drop her ice cream?
She got hit by a bus. Why did Sally fall off the swing? She lost her arms when she was hit by a bus. Why did Sally not get back on the swing? She also lost her legs. Knock knock Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for Christmas? I don't know, she couldn't open it.
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What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker?
A Pull-it-surprise!
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What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?
The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!
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What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas?
A: Mule-tide greetings.
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What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?
A year in prison if there's any justice.
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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25
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Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas?
Because it's Boxing Day!
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What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it."
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What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?
A ghoul Yule!
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What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite
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What did the orphan get for Christmas?
A family.
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What did the deaf guy get for Christmas ?
A Headphone
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What game do M Night Shymalan's family play at Christmas?
Secret Satan.
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How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ?
A merry Christmas to ewe
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What do Christmas trees and The Pope have in common?
A: Their balls are for decoration only
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What did the deaf, blind, mute, handicapped kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What does a Mexican cop say when he wishes you a Merry Christmas?
Police Navidad.
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What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs?
Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas.
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What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
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What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What did the Buddhist get for Christmas?
Presence.
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What does a drug addict and a child have in common?
They both want tablets for Christmas.
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Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.
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What do orphans get at Christmas?
Lonely.
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What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas ?
A ladder in her stocking !
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How is a Christmas tree like a man who's had a vasectomy?
They both have ornamental balls.
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What did the cripple get for christmas?
Wii Fit
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What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time ?
Cross mouse cards !
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What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas?
All I want for christmas is yeux"
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What did the homeless guy get for Christmas?
Very, very hungry.
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What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Forty feet of track - all straight!
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What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday?
Christmas, Carl
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What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause?
He knows where all the naughty girls live #*( )*
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Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?
They both drop their needles !
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How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas?
he raps his presents
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What do ISIS want for Christmas?
Turkey, apparently.
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What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!
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What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pineapple
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What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.
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What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
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Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
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What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration
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What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing
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What did the blind, deaf, and mute kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What does the kid with no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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Why didn't the string get anything for Christmas?
Because he was knotty!
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What do you call a dog on the beach?
Sandy Claws Merry Christmas
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What do you call a snowman who cons people?
A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend
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What do ducks do at Christmas time?
They Duckerate cookies. ...lol...
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Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?
Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
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What do you call a search engine that sings Christmas songs?
Michael google.
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What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas!
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What did Anakin give to Padme for christmas?
Sithilis
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What's Nigel Farage's favourite Christmas song?
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.
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Where does the pirate shop for his kid for Christmas?
Toys Arrrrrrrrrrr Us
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What is robin going to get for Christmas?
An oviposition set
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What did the Mexican family get for Christmas?
Deported
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Why do Russians celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January?
Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.
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What did Stevie Wonder think when he got a cheese grater for christmas?
That it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
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Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas?
Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.
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What did the snowman say when he got coal for Christmas?
I can see!"
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
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Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?
Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...
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What's the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?
You only get presents from one set of grandparents.
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Why do people get divorced in the holiday season?
Because they Marry Christmas!
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What did the blind deaf mute boy in a wheelchair get for Christmas?
Cancer!
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What's the difference between a Christmas star and a bad pickling job?
One brightly shines...
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Why can't a Christmas tree walk?
Because it ." "Ugh, that's so ."
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Who's there ! Amory ! Amory who ?
Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year !
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What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve."
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What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?
Do You Hear what I Hear?
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What did the ghost say on December 25th?
A: Scary Christmas!
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Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
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What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
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What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !
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What's the difference between a black person and Christmas lights?
Nothing. They both look good hanging from trees.
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Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.
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What do crack addicts sing while caroling?
All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth!
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What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament?
Let's hang.
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What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?
HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!
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Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas?
Because his bread was stollen!!!
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What did the diligent whore get for Christmas?
lots and lots of karma
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What did the banker get for Christmas?
My 401k
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What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What happened in China on Christmas?
The Rice-child was born.
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What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music?
One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.
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Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
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Why don't black people get presents for Christmas?
Because prisons don't have chimneys.
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What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?
Eggnog-stic.
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What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet.
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What's the best thing about being a meth head?
1 sleep until Christmas.
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What did the pervert get for Christmas?
A partial in a pear tree.
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What did the little girl's parents want for Christmas?
A better son.
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What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert?
Oh caaamel ye faithful.
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Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...
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Why do Mexicans make burritos?
So they can unwrap something for Christmas!
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Whats you favorite Christmas joke?
I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!
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What did the racist ask Santa for?
A white Christmas.
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What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas?
I love Satan
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What does a 1 eyed, 1 legged, and deaf kid get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.
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Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?
They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas
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How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?
OC He looked inside Santa's sack.
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What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween?
Only two more sleeps till Christmas!
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What did the poor ghetto dweller get for Christmas?
Your bicycle.
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What's a Mathematician's favourite Christmas pudding?
Yule ln!
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Who brings all the good little inclined plane girls and boys presents at Christmas?
Slanta Claus.
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Why does Jay Z love Christmas?
Because he's the best wrapper alive.
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What do homeless people get for Christmas?
Hypothermia.
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What does a Christmas tree do after Christmas?
It pines.
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What does the nationalist sing at Christmas?
Jingo Bells.
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Why do meth heads love Halloween?
Three sleeps 'till Christmas!
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What do you call a guy that hates Christmas and steals the woman you love?
Ebenezer Scrooge-yagirl
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What's the best part about being a meth addict?
3 sleeps 'til Christmas
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What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas?
Clothes but no cigar...
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What's Christmas called in England ?
Yule Britannia !
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What did the bad rapper get for Christmas?
J Coal
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What did the blind, deaf, mute quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What does CNN call back-to-back aviation disasters?
Christmas in July
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What do a Christmas tree and a sterile man have in common?
Their balls are for decoration only.
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What happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy !
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What did the strawberry say on December 25th?
Berry Christmas!
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What happens to all the unsold christmas trees?
A Total TreeCull. Basically, on the evening of December 25th, every christmas tree salesperson does the trees
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What did the deaf, dumb, blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer!*
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What did the little boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What DOESN'T Bruce want for Christmas from his ex?
A Krismas goose.
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What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
I don't like sprouts!"
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Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?
He said it was too tight."
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How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?
I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "
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Why are informaticians always confusing the dates of christmas and halloween?
Because OCT 31 is the same as DEC 25.
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What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What is a dog's favorite Christmas song?
Fleas Navidad
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What'd the homeless guy get for Christmas?
Very hungry.
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What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.
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What did the child with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!
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What did the paraplegic retard get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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Who's there ! Census ! Census who ?
Census presents for Christmas !
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What did the little Chinese boy get for Christmas?
Rice.
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What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ?
Best vicious of the season
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What did the blind kid get for Christmas?
swimming goggles
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What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?
A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.
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What types of trees never get Christmas presents?
Knotty Pines.
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Who do elephants get their christmas presents from ?
Elephanta Claus !
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What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?
They both have Sandy Claws.
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Why do dyslexic children get nothing for Christmas?
They are writing to Satan.
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Why is your January report card so bad ?
Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !
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What does an ear of corn hang on his fireplace during Christmas?
A stalk-ing! (A stocking!)
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What did the poor, unfortunate, paraplegic kid get for christmas?
Cancer.
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What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What do electricians get for Christmas?
Shorts!
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What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells.
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What is Soulja Boy's favorite type of Christmas song??
YUUUUUUUUUULLLEEE!!!!!!!!!
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Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?
Elf and safety
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What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
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Why did the Cephalopod get coal for christmas?
Because he was on the nautilust.
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Why did Jill fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms. Why did she not get back up? Because she had no legs. What did Jill get for Christmas? A bicycle.
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What do you get when you cross Christmas and a Duck?
A Christmas-Quacker!
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What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
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What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?
OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.
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What do redditors give one another on Christmas?
Gifs.
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What did Pitbull ask for Christmas?
Dolly.
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What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells Jungle bells.. !
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What does a homeless man gets for Christmas?
A cold.
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What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?
Quit being nosey.
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How are black people like Christmas lights?
Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't that bright
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What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant?
Christmas music will still be playing next year.
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What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.
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What is Pat Sajak's favorite Christmas carol?
No L
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Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live. I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.
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What do you call Jamal's dad during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years?
Hide n' Seek World Champion 2010-2016
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What did the blind, def and mute kid get for Christmas?
Cancer
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What are Gene Wilder and David Bowie getting for Christmas this year?
Betty White.
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What is the black kid getting for Christmas?
Your T.V.
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What's the KKK's favorite Christmas song?
White Christmas.
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How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
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What will a blind, deaf child with no arms get for Christmas?
Cancer.
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What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?
Oh comb all ye faithful'
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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?
They both have ornamental balls