Church Jokes
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What church do hypocrites belong to?
All of them.
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What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub?
The lady in church has hope in her soul.
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Why did the dog go into the church?
The doors were open.
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Why did the eagle fly into the church?
It was a bird of pray
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What do you call Batman if he leaves church?
Christian bail.
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Why are there so many old people in Church?
They're cramming for the final.
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What kind of church does a triangle attend?
Anglican.
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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
The woman in church has hope in her soul... The woman In the bathtub has soap in her hole.
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What do you call it when Batman skips church..?
Christian Bale.
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What did the priest say about consorting with the sisters of the church?
Nun is better!
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How do you know you're at a redneck wedding?
Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church
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What is the difference between a blonde in a church and a blonde in the bath tub?
One has hope in her soul...
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Why did the melons get married in a church?
Because they cantaloupe.
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Why do churches ban Wi-Fi?
Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists
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What happened to the guy who farted in church?
He sat in his own pew.
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What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday?
No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.
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What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common?
Finnish Hymn!
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?
Church.
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What Happens when you fart in church?
You sit in your own pew
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Why did the duck get kicked out of church?
Because he was using fowl language!
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Why did that guy shoot up the church in South Carolina?
He thought it was the white thing to do.
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What did the priest use to forgive the sinners that shot up his church?
A holey bible. And, yet, it still made more sense than Scientology.
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What do you call a Batman that leaves church before its over?
A Christian Bale
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What do churches and guns have in common?
They both go PEW PEW PEW
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Why are churches never broke?
Because Jesus saves.
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Why did the dolphin go to church?
He was looking for a porpoise. (thought this one up but I doubt I was the first one that did.)
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Why did the skeleton burp in the church ?
He didn't have the guts to fart
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Why do the say "Amen" in church but not "Awoman?
Because they sing hymns, not hers!*
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What did the deer first say when he got to church?
Deer God, please forgive me of my sins.
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What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints?
an oxy-mormon. or, all of them.
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What did the Skunk say at Church?
Let us spray
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What does a blind person read in church?
Holy Braille
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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?
One has hope in her soul...
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What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church?
The woman in church has hope in her soul.
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Why won't you ever see an ant walk in a church?
They're insects. I'll show myself out.
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What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
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How does Seth Macfarlane wishes you Eid Mubarrak?
Keep it in church, guys.
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Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi?
Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
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Why aren't ants going to church?
Because they are in sects.
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What's the difference between a church bell & a church?
A church bell peals from the steeple.
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Why did the melon get married in a church?
Because he was in love with a cantaloupe.
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What do you call a bundle of hay in a church?
Christian Bale.
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What's it called when Batman walks out of church?
Christian Bale Hah
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Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.
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What is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in church has hope in her soul
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What do you call it when a woman of the church goes on a secret mission?
Nun of your business
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Why do chickens go to church?
To get to the other side
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What do you call a Batman that leaves church early?
A Christian bail
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What do you call a book club that hasn't changed their book in a thousand years?
Church
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What do you call a whirlpool in a church?
Holy water!
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Why will Church's chicken be losing money?
Because I don't see black people going to church's anytime soon
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Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?
He was invited to thunday math.
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How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
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Why did the blonde go to church?
B/c she heard there was a guy hung like this(https://riverchurchtelford.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/jesus.jpg)
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Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?
In the *pew*.
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Why do you need to take notes during jokes?
Joke was supposed to be this: Why do you need to take notes during church? because the peoples of noah's day, "took no note".
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What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?
Holy smoke!"
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Why do Storm Troopers like churchs?
Cuz of all the pews. I hate myself
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Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?
Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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Why do people say amen instead of awomen at church?
Because they sing hymns, not hers.
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Why Didn't Batman Go To Church?
Because of Christian Bail
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What's worse than a white guy walking into a church andshooting 9 black people?
He let the others get away... I feel I'll be downvoted to hell for this...
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Why did batman leave church?
Because Christian Baled
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What's the difference between a church bell & a church?
A church bell peals from the steeple.
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What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables?
Lettuce pray.
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Why do churches ban Wifi Networks?
Because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works.
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Why do you never see any bugs in a church?
Because they are in sects.
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Where did the amino acid go to church?
The cysteine chapel.
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Why don't bees go to church?
Because they are in sects.
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What's the difference between snow tires and slaves?
Slaves sing when chains are put on them. PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness
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What do you call a 10 ten old Irish boy who doesn't go to church?
A virgin
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Why is it never hot in churches?
Because it's prayer conditioned. I'll leave now....
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What kind of birds go to church every Sunday?
Birds of Pray
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What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it.
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What does it sound like when two churches fight?
Pew Pew PEWPEWPEW!!!
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What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?
A Crystal Methodist.
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How is God just like a regular man?
If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
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What is the difference between a church and a cult?
Their Punch.
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What's the difference between a church and a mosque?
In a church you see pew, pew pew. In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.
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What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub?
Answer: One has hope in her soul the other has soap in her hole.
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Why don't ants go to church?
Because they are insects.
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What's the difference between a woman coming out of church and a woman taking a bath?
The woman coming out of church as hope in her soul!
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How do churches stay so strong?
They pray on the weak.
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What is the difference between a girl in a church, and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in the church has hope in her soul, and the girl In the bathtub has soap in her hole.
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What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in a bubble bath?
The girl in church has her soul full of hope...
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What do Canadians say after a prayer in church?
Eh-men
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Why did the atheist go to church?
To use the Pokestop.
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What's the diffrence between a girl in a church and a girl in a bath?
The girl in a church has a soul full of hope and the girl in a bath has, well... EDIT: better structure.
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What's the difference between a woman in the bath and a woman at church?
Well... the woman at church has hope in her soul.
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What's the difference between a nun in church and a nun in the bath?
One has hope in her soul...
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Why dont't feminists go to church?
They can't stand saying "amen"
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What did the decorators say when they went to church?
Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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Why didn't John Travolta go to church on Sunday?
He had a Saturday Night Fever
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What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?
Church.
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Why don't skeletons play music in church?
Because they got no organs.
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Why is it forbidden for ants to go in a church?
They are in-sects