Coffee Jokes
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Why do Communists only drink coffee?
Because proper tea is theft.
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Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me 5: Me: Get some coffee
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What kind of coffee does a peg legged pirate drink?
Decalfinated.
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Why did the bus driver drop his coffee?
Because he hit a bump in the road. What was the bump in the road? Little Timmy.
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What do aliens use to buy their coffee?
starbucks
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What's a a magician's favorite kind of coffee?
100% abracadabra
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When does a lawyer make coffee?
When he has sufficient grounds
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Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven't had my coffee. Me: You've never had coffee. 5-year-old: Exactly.
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Where do super-villains get their coffee?
DUN-DUN-DUUUNNNNkin Donuts.
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Why didn't the coffee and the tea get along?
Because they were being "brewed"
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What do you call a pink slip served inside a bag of coffee?
Grounds for termination.
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How does the executioner like his coffee?
Decap
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When Chris brought over his musl*m girlfriend to meet the family, what did they say?
Nice scarf! Must be cold where you came from! Do you guys want coffee?"
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How did Moses make his coffee?
Hebrewed it.
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Where did Nicholas II of Russia get his coffee?
Tsarbucks.
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Which southeast Asian drink is more popular, the iced tea or the coffee?
Neither. It's a Thai.
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Where do birds meet for coffee ?
In a nest-cafe !
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What can a cup of coffee and a cow that's had an abortion have in common?
They're both de-calf-inated.
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How do aliens pay for their coffees?
With Starbucks!
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Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
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Why can't I have coffee?
Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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How do you take your coffee?
How do you take your coffee? Ferguson Police Huh? Black, two shots.
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Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock?
Because that would be "grounds" for termination!
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Why does the hobo only drink coffee?
Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs
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How do Spaniards take their coffee?
Au lait.
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Why can't the Transistor drink any more coffee?
Because it keeps Peein' n peein'
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What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee?
Getting ready for work
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What do you call two Canadians buy coffee?
Double double doubles
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How do you make a latte?
Add $5 to a cup of coffee.
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How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you
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How do I take my coffee?
Uh..Orally. Why How do you take it Freak.
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What do you call coffee on the floor?
Ground Coffee.
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What's with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it?
Who are these iron-mouthed warriors
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Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee?
Tsarbucks.
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How do you feel when there's no coffee?
Depresso.
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What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee?
A Mugging.
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Whats a yoga instructors favourite kind of coffee?
Pilatte
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What's the difference beetwen public official and private employee?
Private employee starts work checking email. Public official starts works making a coffee.
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What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?
French press
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What do you call a poodle that serves coffee?
A Bark-ista! I said a bark-ista Coral.
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What do you call coffee made from coal?
Tarbucks.
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How does Moses makes his coffee?
Hebrews it.
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What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?
I feel positively charged!
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Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
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Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?
Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!
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Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
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Where do bourgeois monarchists get their coffee?
Tsarbucks
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Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp?
The one who can carry two cups of coffee AND a dozen donurs!
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What is more inappropriate than a 7 year old saying "I drink coffee"?
Her saying "I drink it black, like my men"
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How does Henry VIII like his coffee?
Decap.
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What kind of coffee does an executioner drink?
Decap
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Why was the Instagram star so bad at making coffee?
Because she used #nofilter
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What do you call an overweight star wars fanatic who drinks too much coffee?
Java the Hutt
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Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly?
They want to finish before it's cool.
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What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?
A farte
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Why does coffee take so long to make in a purcolator?
Because it's not called a purconow.
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How does Moses get his coffee?
He buys it from Starbucks...
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What do Swedish people put in their coffee?
Artifical Swedeners
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
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Who reads the news AND makes coffee?
Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)
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Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts
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What is ISIS's favorite kind of coffee?
Decapitated
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What kind of coffee do terrorists hate?
French press. (Too soon?)
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What crime was committed against the coffee?
He was mugged.
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Who makes coffee for the U.N.?
The French Press Secretary!
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Why do programmers drink coffee so much?
So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.