Coffee Jokes

  • Why do Communists only drink coffee?

    Because proper tea is theft.

  • Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

    Me 5: Me: Get some coffee

  • What kind of coffee does a peg legged pirate drink?


  • Why did the bus driver drop his coffee?

    Because he hit a bump in the road. What was the bump in the road? Little Timmy.

  • What do aliens use to buy their coffee?


  • What's a a magician's favorite kind of coffee?

    100% abracadabra

  • When does a lawyer make coffee?

    When he has sufficient grounds

  • Why are you in such a bad mood?

    5-year-old: I haven't had my coffee. Me: You've never had coffee. 5-year-old: Exactly.

  • Where do super-villains get their coffee?

    DUN-DUN-DUUUNNNNkin Donuts.

  • Why didn't the coffee and the tea get along?

    Because they were being "brewed"

  • What do you call a pink slip served inside a bag of coffee?

    Grounds for termination.

  • How does the executioner like his coffee?


  • When Chris brought over his musl*m girlfriend to meet the family, what did they say?

    Nice scarf! Must be cold where you came from! Do you guys want coffee?"

  • How did Moses make his coffee?

    Hebrewed it.

  • Where did Nicholas II of Russia get his coffee?


  • Which southeast Asian drink is more popular, the iced tea or the coffee?

    Neither. It's a Thai.

  • Where do birds meet for coffee ?

    In a nest-cafe !

  • What can a cup of coffee and a cow that's had an abortion have in common?

    They're both de-calf-inated.

  • How do aliens pay for their coffees?

    With Starbucks!

  • Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

    When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

  • Why can't I have coffee?

    Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

  • How do you take your coffee?

    How do you take your coffee? Ferguson Police Huh? Black, two shots.

  • Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock?

    Because that would be "grounds" for termination!

  • Why does the hobo only drink coffee?

    Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs

  • How do Spaniards take their coffee?

    Au lait.

  • Why can't the Transistor drink any more coffee?

    Because it keeps Peein' n peein'

  • What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee?

    Getting ready for work

  • What do you call two Canadians buy coffee?

    Double double doubles

  • How do you make a latte?

    Add $5 to a cup of coffee.

  • How are you doing this morning?

    Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you

  • How do I take my coffee?

    Uh..Orally. Why How do you take it Freak.

  • What do you call coffee on the floor?

    Ground Coffee.

  • What's with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it?

    Who are these iron-mouthed warriors

  • Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee?


  • How do you feel when there's no coffee?


  • What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee?

    A Mugging.

  • Whats a yoga instructors favourite kind of coffee?


  • What's the difference beetwen public official and private employee?

    Private employee starts work checking email. Public official starts works making a coffee.

  • What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?

    French press

  • What do you call a poodle that serves coffee?

    A Bark-ista! I said a bark-ista Coral.

  • What do you call coffee made from coal?


  • How does Moses makes his coffee?

    Hebrews it.

  • What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?

    I feel positively charged!

  • Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

    The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

  • Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?

    Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

  • Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

    The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

  • Where do bourgeois monarchists get their coffee?


  • Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp?

    The one who can carry two cups of coffee AND a dozen donurs!

  • What is more inappropriate than a 7 year old saying "I drink coffee"?

    Her saying "I drink it black, like my men"

  • How does Henry VIII like his coffee?


  • What kind of coffee does an executioner drink?


  • Why was the Instagram star so bad at making coffee?

    Because she used #nofilter

  • What do you call an overweight star wars fanatic who drinks too much coffee?

    Java the Hutt

  • Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly?

    They want to finish before it's cool.

  • What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?

    A farte

  • Why does coffee take so long to make in a purcolator?

    Because it's not called a purconow.

  • How does Moses get his coffee?

    He buys it from Starbucks...

  • What do Swedish people put in their coffee?

    Artifical Swedeners

  • Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

    Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

  • Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

    Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

  • Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

    The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts

  • What is ISIS's favorite kind of coffee?


  • What kind of coffee do terrorists hate?

    French press. (Too soon?)

  • What crime was committed against the coffee?

    He was mugged.

  • Who makes coffee for the U.N.?

    The French Press Secretary!

  • Why do programmers drink coffee so much?

    So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.