Computer Jokes
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How did AL Gore program his computer?
With the proper al-gor-ithms
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Why did the blonde call an exterminator?
Her computer had a bug...
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What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors?
A free upgrade
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Why does my computer say Hello?
Because it's a Dell.
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What did one computer say to the other?
Error 404 joke not found.
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What did they say about the computer at the Bunny Ranch?
It may contain viruses.
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What brand of computer is best at singing?
A Dell
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Why did my friend throw my computer out the window?
So A Dell could message me and say Hello from the other side.
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What connects the computers in Sauron's office?
A Tolkien Ring network.
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Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?
Neither. I have a friend who works in computers.
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How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?
How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer? When there's white-out all over the screen
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How can you tell if a black man has been using your computer?
It won't be there
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Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?
Leeds.
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How do you know a black guy's been at your computer?
It's not there.
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What kind of computer can also sing?
A Dell.
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What did the computer say?
too weak.
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What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.
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Why was the spider inside the Computer?
He was looking for a webpage!
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Why don't the British make computers?
They can't figure out how to make them leak oil.
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How much Viagra do you have to give a computer to turn its software into hardware?
Just enough to completely fill up the floppy diks drive.
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Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff?
Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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Why are frogs no good at websurfing?
Computers have them toad-ily confused.
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What do you call a computer that farts?
A compooter. 8D
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What kind of computer is optimized for sad songs?
A Dell.
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What kind of computer can't sing?
A Dell
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How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?
Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.
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What's an environmentalist's favorite part of a computer?
The recycle bin.
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Why couldn't the computer play golf?
Because it had the wrong Driver
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What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most?
A space bar.
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Which computer is the best at singing?
A Dell.
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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?
A big mac.
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What is "attempted theft" exactly?
I mean it's not like you see school librarians seeing a student use Wikipedia on one of the computers and puts them in detention for "attempted plagiarism"
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When do computers go to sleep?
When it's internight.
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How do you make soup from a computer?
It's easy just throw in a couple of Boolean cubes.
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What do the LGBT community and computers have in common?
Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!
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What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?
You can punch information into a computer.
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Why does my computer keep saying hello?
It's a Dell.
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What did the dentist say to the computer?
This won't hurt a byte
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What do you call a computer with an amazing singing voice?
A Dell.
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What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
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How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?
With dog diskettes!
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Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?
It's a shifty business.
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What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
Neither work when you open windows.
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How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?
Your homework is done and your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway.
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Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a - computer?
A: A 90s woman won't accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
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What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?
Nothing.
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What kind of computer says "Hello"?
A Dell
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How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?
Dos
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What did the computer say to the pirate?
Want to date hot Russians!
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What do blondes and computer have in common?
You never appreciate them until they go down on you. edit: computers
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When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?
The power is on and you're connected to the internet.
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How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers?
Because I think it makes perfect scents.
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How are women and computers the same?
Neither take your 3.5 inch floppy anymore.. unless you pay extra.
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What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer?
A sore finger.
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What does Magneto do when his computer gets dirty?
He wipes the hard drive.
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Why was the first computer never invited to dinner?
It would just take a few bytes then run.
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What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia?
You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)
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What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell
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What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?
Nothing.
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Why did the worker get fired from the hp computer factory?
He threw out all the computers with "dy" on them.
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Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work?
Cause it had a hard drive.
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What OS does an atheist run on their computer?
Fedora. For Linux n00bs(https://getfedora.org/)
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Why did the computer squeak?
A: Someone stepped on the mouse.
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What do rabbits put in their computers?
Hoppy disks!
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What has four legs, two humps, and is given a copy of Metal Gear Solid for their computer?
Revolver Camelot!
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What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best?
Lap-top!
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Why did little Jimmy break open his computer?
It said that it had 20 cookies in it.
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Whats worse than Bad command or File name?
Windows update message asking you to restart your computer
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Why are computers in Palestine really fast?
Because they've got Ramallah.
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What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer?
PC Plod.
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What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.
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Why is the computer so aggressive?
It bytes
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What operating system does Varys have on his computer?
Unix
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What did the computer say to the virus?
scRAM
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How is a computer like an air conditioner?
They both stop working properly when you open windows.
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What do computers snack on?
micro chips
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How do computers learn to read?
C:/ Dos C:/ Dos Run Run Dos Run
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What do the LAPD and computers have in common?
They can both burn C.D's
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When I fix someone's computer and they say "Wow how'd you do that?
I tell them I'm a wizard then throw glitter in their face.
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Which computer sings the best?
A Dell
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Why did my computer just say hello?
Oh, that's right. It's A Dell.
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What rhymes with computer?
No it doesn't...
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How does a woman differ from a computer?
You can actually punch information into a computer.
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What did we call IT before computers ?
The Mail Room
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Why did the computer need Viagra?
Because it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk.
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Why did the computer act crazy?
It had a screw loose.
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How can you tell that a black person used your computer?
It's gone.
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Whats the difference between and old computer and a woman?
a computer accepts a 3.5 inch floppy
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What's the difference between a politician and a computer?
logic
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What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer?
A co-operating system.
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What do you call gigabytes in Africa?
They can't afford computers in Africa.
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Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?
Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
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Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer?
It had freed up one GB of space.
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Why don't computers have any brothers?
They are all trans-sisters.
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What part of your computer is most likely to molest your child?
The PDF file. What part of your computer is most likely to molest your child The PDF file.
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What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
A slipped disk.
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What do women and computers have in common?
What do women and computers have in common? You don't appreciate them until they go down on you.
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What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
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What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
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Why was the computer stressed out when it got home?
Because it had a hard drive.
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?
Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.
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What type of computer sings well?
Adell.
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What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She puts in in the microwave.
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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?
Computer
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What did the Amish IT guy say about the computer?
It was a bit buggy.
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How do you turn a computer into a zombie?
Send it a byte. Kind of lame but I couldn't help myself.
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Why is Rob Zombie good for the health of Redditors?
They see his AMA and turn off the computer.
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What kind of operating system do horses use?
None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.
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Why are ugly guys better with computers then women?
Turning off a computer often fixes the problem.
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What's the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer only has to have information punched into it once.
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Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
A: He wanted to feed the mouse.
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Why do the Avengers keep calling Spiderman over to fix their computer?
Because they heard he's a web developer
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Why were all the computers in the company frozen?
Because they let IT go
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How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer?
It's not there.
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What do you call a computer that is running slow?
Restarted.
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How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.
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What type of computer is unusually large?
A Dell
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Why was the computer tired when he got home?
Because he had a hard drive!
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What's the difference between a Mexican and a computer?
You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
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Why did it take the computer so long to decide whether it wanted to buy an Egyptian cotton sheet?
Because it had too many threads.
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What do you get when you cross a computer with a lifeguard?
A screensaver.
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What's the difference between your mom and my computer?
I can still turn your mom on.
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What do Hutts use to program computers?
JabbaScript
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What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?
Ask the NSA for a backup.
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What are OJ Simpson's favorite keys on a computer?
Return Home Slash Slash Backslash Shift Shift Shift Escape
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Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?
Well, it worked with the slaves.
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What do computers and reincarnation have in common?
Switching Users
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Why did the computer get a virus?
He wasn't using protection.
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How do computers measure pain?
Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)
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How do you make a computer your best friend?
You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!
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What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ?
A computer with a lot of bites !
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How do you send a sandwich to someone on a computer?
in bytes
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What am I supposed to do with this computer now?
IT: Work M: Who hurt you
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When is a computer like a blonde?
When it goes down on you as soon as you turn it on.
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What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs?
Adele
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Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?
He wanted to have webbed feet.
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What does a computer say when it encounters a skunk?
C: PU!
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What did the computer do with his overgrown gardens...?
Mowed 'em.
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What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
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Why did you ticket the computer?
Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.
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Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies
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What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk