Cook Jokes

  • What's the difference between a feminist and an illegal immigrant?

    The illegal immigrant knows how to cook.

  • What do you call a hippie that can't cook?

    Burning ham!

  • How do they cook a turkey in Russia?

    They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!

  • How would you like that cooked?

    gets right up in waitresses face* With frickin fire, obviously

  • What do you call chow mein cooked in tomato sauce?


  • What did the cook say to the dough?

    A: I "NEED" you!

  • Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig?

    He knows a little ham goes a long way.

  • How does a metalworker like his Steak cooked?


  • Why do oysters enjoy being cooked?

    It raises their shellfish steam.

  • Why do cows think cooks are mean?

    They whip cream!

  • What does a witch enjoy cooking most?


  • What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning?

    I'm not letting you cook dinner again

  • What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

    I am not a cook

  • What should you do before cooking the vegetables?

    Remove the wheelchair

  • Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking?

    I can't pair wines like this.

  • Why can't short people cook?

    Because the steaks are too high.

  • did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

    they were cooked in Greece

  • Why couldn't the beaver cook his twigs?

    He only had Non-Stick pans.

  • How do you make German potato pancakes?

    Cook them in the microwave

  • What's the hardest part of cooking vegetables?

    Their wheelchairs

  • How are bears related to cooking?

    The pan... duh

  • Why don't more people cook Armenian food?

    Because it can be very thyme-consuming.

  • What do you call a group of disabled people in a pool?

    Vegetable soup. I apologise to those offended by my terrible joke. Have another Whats the hardest part of cooking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair into the oven

  • Why are you complaining?

    Isn't it cooked

  • What does the guy who has been backpacking just a bit too long miss most about home ?

    A home-cooked shower.

  • How do you cook toilet paper?

    You brown it on one side

  • What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

    Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

  • What's the worst part of being a cook in prison?

    Having to toss everyone's salad

  • Why make us select "cook" at all?

    Does my appliance have a calculator function or something Sincerely, Everyone

  • How does captain hook cook pita bread?

    With a pita pan.

  • What does a black and white bear use to cook it's dinner?

    A pan, duh!

  • What can I get for you?

    Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked M: By anyone other than my wife

  • Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

    To see if he was done cooking.

  • What do zombies use to prepare their turkeys for cooking on the smoker?


  • Why was the cook sad when all the water in his pot boiled away?

    Because he mist it.

  • How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ?

    Take them out their wheelchair.

  • What happens when geese land in a volcano ?

    They cook their own gooses !

  • Why don't we say Grace?

    Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry

  • Why was the chef afraid of cooking steaks on a plane?

    The steaks have never been higher

  • When do cannibals cook you?

    On Fried-days.

  • What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?

    A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

  • What's the best part of two lesbians marrying?

    Two cooks in the house.

  • What do you call a mummy that hates other peoples cooking?

    Gordan Ramses

  • What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable?

    Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.

  • How do you end world hunger?

    Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.

  • What do you call a delicacy made by stripping the skin off of a Native American and cooking it?

    A Sioux Flay

  • Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?

    He lost track of thyme. Happy Thanksgiving.

  • How Do You Make Spider-Man Cry?

    Cook him some Uncle Ben's

  • How do you cook a stoned ham?

    420F Glaze it Ok I'm leaving

  • Why didn't you make all the food on that long order?

    Cook: Because I'm a short order cook.

  • Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast?

    The game warden found out he poached his eggs!

  • What kind of Pop do you cook with?

    Baking Soda

  • Who's there? Orange. Orange who?

    Orange you glad I painfully waited until I was done cooking your food to take a poop?

  • What do chefs do when they are cooking in an emergency?

    They take drastic measures.

  • What do Chinese bears use to cook?

    A pan. Duh!

  • How many black guys does it take to cook chicken?

    None. Blacks belong in the fields, woman belong in the kitchen.

  • How do feminists like their eggs cooked?


  • Why could the chef not cook a tree branch?

    Because he used a non-stick pan.

  • How does one cook toilet paper?

    Simple - brown it on both sides then throw it into the pot.

  • What do you call a badly cooked beef?

    A misteak.

  • How do you turn chicken masala into chicken marsala?

    Have a pirate cook it...they always add an "arrr"...

  • How do ghosts like their chicken cooked?


  • Whats the hardest part of cooking a potato?

    Signing the legal guardian paperwork

  • Which pirate makes the best food?

    Captain Cook.

  • What do you call chickpeas cooked in a waffle iron?


  • Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

    She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

  • What do you call a fish that likes to cook?

    Bobby Fillet

  • Why is steak harder to cook than spinach?

    It takes a lot more thyme to accomplish.

  • What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship?

    The khrushchev

  • How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

    sigh* Parenting is hard.

  • How do the Muslims like their eggs cooked?

    Sunni side up. I know this is a Shiite joke.

  • Why do Mexicans hate cooking pasta?

    When they boil the water, they always have to add that *pinche* salt.

  • What's the hardest part of making chicken fried steak?

    Teaching the chicken to cook

  • What is ez to cook?


  • Why did the Cook cross the road?

    because there were "Too Many Cooks".

  • What's in Heaven and Hell?

    In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

  • What are cooking for us today?

    Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw

  • What did the human torch say before he cooked the beef?


  • What do you call a monk that cooks potatoes?

    A friar? A chip monk?

  • What My Friend Said Once They Discovered The Existence of Gravitational Waves?

    Friend: Good, now they will make microwaves that cook my chicken fingers faster. Say what now

  • What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster?


  • What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook?

    I just booked a cook for cooking the books."

  • How does a Syrian family have a meal?

    The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.

  • What do you call a steak that is cooked wrong?

    A mistake

  • What will Russians be cooking for Thanksgiving...?


  • What us the difference between white, brown and black people?

    The time God took to cook us

  • Why can't the French cook two eggs?

    Because one egg is

  • What's the hardest part to cook in a vegetable ?

    The wheelchair

  • What do you call an Ape cooking a BBQ?

    A Gorilla

  • What mathematical cube can you cook with?

    A boolean cube!

  • Where do cowboys cook their meals?

    On the range

  • Whats the hardest part about cooking vegetable?

    getting the wheelchair in the oven.

  • Why is Nixon a bad chef?

    Because he is not a cook.