Cop Jokes

  • Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

    It's a shifty business.

  • Why did the cop climb the tree?

    He worked for a special branch.

  • Why did the cop wake up his son?

    To stop a kid napping.

  • Which cop writes poems about ravens?

    Edgar Allan Po-Po

  • What can happen when a car breaks down?

    A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

  • What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

    1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

  • What do the cops do when they get a fly infestation?

    Call in the swat team!

  • Why do donut shops not hire security?

    Because Cops go there willingly. Free security and protection.

  • Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over?


  • How do cops get rid of flies?

    They call in a S.W.A.T. team

  • What do you call a Black man that walks by a Cop?

    A Pencil cause he's full of lead!

  • How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?

    None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.

  • Why didn't Kevin from Home Alone call the cops when the burglars came around?

    He was running a trap house.

  • Who's driving the car?

    Theres a muslim a mexican and black guy in a car, whos driving .. **The cops**

  • What did the doughnut say to the cop?

    Don't glaze me, bro

  • What's black & grey and also looks good on a cop?

    The World Trade Center

  • What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

    Pork! Pork! Pork!

  • How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None, they just shoot the room for being black.

  • When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?

    answer "Scissors." then drive away..

  • How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Depends on how many cops planted it there

  • Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

    Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

  • What do you call a midget psychic running from the cops?

    A small medium at large!

  • When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

    do NOT respond with "I know, right !"

  • Why are cops so bad at pool?

    Because they can't resist hitting the black ball.

  • Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?

    He was trying to bust a move

  • What did the painting on the wall say to the cop?

    I've been framed!

  • How many calls do I get?

    cop: one me: What do you think is more likely a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel

  • How was the party last night?

    17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.

  • How many cops does it take to arrest a broken light bulb?

    Two. One arrests the room for being black. The other arrests the bulb for being broke.

  • What do cops do at a buffet?

    They pig out.

  • What did the donut say to the cop?

    Don't taste me, bro !

  • Why did the cop stink?

    Because he fell asleep on duty.

  • Why did the black guy loose all his money?

    Because a cop robbed him.

  • Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

    Because he was always in a cent.

  • How do I know you're not a cop?

    If I was a cop, how would I have this " *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good

  • Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?

    A: So the cops can find the handles.

  • How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month?

    What an Idiot.

  • Why are the cops shooting so many black men?

    There's plenty of Mexicans to shoot too. Yeah I'm going to hell for that one.

  • Who is driving?

    A cop.

  • What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested?

    Shot a black man.

  • What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?

    A visit from the cops.

  • What do cops and sports photographers have in common?

    They get paid to shoot black men.

  • What did the eggs say when the cops showed up?

    Everybody scramble!

  • How many cops does it take the screw in a lightbulb?

    The same number it takes to screw public confidence in law enforcement

  • How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this?

    Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is

  • What's the hurry?

    Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now.

  • How many US cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None, they arrest the room because it's black.

  • What's in the bottle?

    Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

  • How much have you had to drink?

    Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

  • What's in Heaven and Hell?

    In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

  • What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding?

    Quit Russian.

  • How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: So who wants to know Why do *you* want to know Are you a cop

  • When do cops blow up and destroy shopping centers and Walmarts?

    During Black Friday.

  • How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

    None, he fell.

  • Why don't cops get along with black people?

    They should at least take a shot at it

  • What did one cop say to the other cop while investigating a crime scene at a farm?

    A rooster!

  • How do I know ur not a cop?

    If I was a cop would I do this " *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

  • What's faster than a black man dodging cops with a TV?

    His brother with the laptop.

  • Why are the cops in Ferguson Steelers fans?

    Bullet train!

  • What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?

    Officer on doody.

  • What the difference between a black guy and a donut?

    One of them already had a hole before the cop saw it

  • Who were the participants?

    Guy: ' The owner, the cop and me. '

  • Why did the cop cross the road?

    To shoot a black kid.

  • Why can't the cops keep calm and carry on ?

    Because they carry guns instead

  • Why did the cops show up at the elementary school?

    A 1st grader was resisting a rest.

  • What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly?


  • Why did the cop shoot the insomniac?

    He was resisting a rest

  • What does a libertarian apparition say to the cops?

    Am I free to ghost "

  • What is the worst city to be a cop in?

    Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work.

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

  • Why was the cop absent from work?

    He had swine flu

  • Why couldn't the cop save the hippie from drowning?

    He was too far out man

  • What do you call it when two cops dance?

    Pork Grinds

  • Why do cops make good farmers?

    They're good at planting evidence.

  • Why aren't you allowed to smile when taking your driver IDs?

    Because you won't be smiling when the cops pull you over.

  • What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it?

    Rest in **police**.