Cow Jokes
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What did it mean when they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
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What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline?
A milkshake!
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What did the Irish farmer say to his cow when it climbed onto the roof of his barn?
A: Get off.
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What do you call a cow that's scared of everything?
Coward!
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What can a cup of coffee and a cow that's had an abortion have in common?
They're both de-calf-inated.
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What do you get when a cow jumps in cold water?
Utter udder shudder.
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What do you get if you cross history and a cow?
A moo-suem.
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Why did the cow cross the road?
Parent: "Wh-" Me: "Moo!"
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What do you call a cow thats had a hysterectomy?
Decaffeinated.
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Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?
Americans cant milk a cow for 14 years.
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What is it called when a cow is unwillingly milked?
Moo**lestation
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What do you call a cow having a seizure?
A milkshake.
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Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
The slaughter house
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Why didn't the cow go to the barn?
He wasn't in the mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
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What do you call a cow who's had an abortion?
A: De-calf-i-nated.
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What did the cat say to the banana?
Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.
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What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher?
Ground round!
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What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake
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Why did Adele crawl under the cow?
to say hello from the udder side. I'll take my Oscar now.
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What type of cow produces both milk and potatos?
Your Mother.
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What's the difference between my girlfriend and a cow?
Cows are real.
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What does a cow call his mate?
Oxfam.
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What kind of marijuana do cows smoke?
moo-dicinal
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Where does a cow stop to drink?
The milky way!
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Why is a cow that he jumps?
Because he higher and higher. (I translated the joke from Dutch, and yeah it's supposed to not make any sense, it just sounds funny, in Dutch at least. :-$)
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Why are round bales of hay illegal?
Because cows can't get a square meal.
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What do you call a cross between a penguin and a cow?
Pregnant
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What do cows say on Halloween?
Still moo.
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How does a cow add and subtract?
With a cowculator.
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What kind of music do cows listen to?
dadjoke) MOOOOOsic.
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What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
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What did the cow say to the horse?
Mooooooo
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What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down?
A cow.
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Why are the steaks so high?
Because the pot was calling the cattle back and the cows went back to the marijuana field.
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What's the difference between Nine-Eleven and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 14 years straight. Be gentle... it's my cake day :-)
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What do you get from a cow on the North Pole?
Cold cream!
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What kind of magic do cows believe in?
MOODOO.
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What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo?
A kangamoo!
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What goes oo ooo oooo?
A cow with no lips.
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When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
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What is cowhide mostly used for?
Keeping cows from falling apart.
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What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?
A cow with no lips.
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What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
Decaffeinated! Bah dum dum...ting
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Who do cows pray to?
Moohammad
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Why did the hunter scold his blonde wife after she shot a moose over quota?
Cause when he asked her why she shot it, she replied: "I asked it what it was before I shot. But that cow wasn't gonna fool me!"
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
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Why don't cows smoke weed?
The steaks would just be too high.
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How do you make beef stew?
Tell a cow they're being watched.
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What do you get when you enter a cow into the Kentucky Derby?
Milk and Bookies.
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What goes moof?
A cow with buck teeth.
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What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
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Where do cows go when they die?
Burgertory
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How did the farmer move his cows?
In a mooving van!
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What is the most certain way to prevent milk from souring?
Keep it in the cow.
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Where does a cow go to watch a film?
The mooovies. pls tell to friends.
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Where do cows like to live?
St. Moo-is.
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Why do cows poop carrots?
BECAUSE THEY'RE CARROT COWS!!!
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What makes cows and horses so valuable?
They have a lot of moo/neigh.
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Why don't cows simply run away from their farms?
Because they don't have enough sta**moo**na
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What has four legs and goes 'Boo'?
A cow with a cold.
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Why Did The Cows Go To Graze In The Marijuana Fields?
It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back...
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Why did the cow explode?
Because it was a mooooooslim.
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Where do cows go to hang out?
The slaughterhouse. Emphasis on **hang**.
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Where do cows go on movie night?
To the moooovie night.
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Why did the cow tip over?
Excellent service.
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What animal is faster than a cheetah?
A cow dropped out of a helicopter.
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What do cows like to put on their hot dogs?
moostard
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What do you call cow without a girlfriend?
Beef Stroken off
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What did the cow say in winter?
Oh my god. I'm Friesian!
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Why doesn't NASA send cows to space?
Because the stakes would be too high.
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What did the cow say when she jumped off a cliff?
Geronimoo!"
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What drugs do cows take?
Cow-caine
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What do cows sit on?
Couches
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What did the cow say when she saw the Dalmatian?
Dam... I got to get in shape!
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How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
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What do cow pastures smell like?
Dairy air
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What do you call a cow that can't make milk?
An udder failure!
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What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office?
An encownter group.
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Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
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What happens when you give a cow a joint?
The steaks are high
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What happens when you seduce a cow?
You get milk.
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How does a cow quickly do math?
With a cow-culator! (Rimshot)
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What happens when a cow jumps over barbed wire?
Udder destruction!
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What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to the mooooovies.
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What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii?
Moo moos
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What did the potato ask the cow?
Give me some milk, and we can make mashed potatoes.
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Why did your sister feed money to her cow ?
Because she wanted to get rich milk.
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Why didn't the cow want to go skydiving?
the steaks were too high.
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What do you call a cow that has abortion?
Decaffeinated
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What do you call a cow masterbating?
Beef stroganoff
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How do cows move in groups?
Si-MOO-taniously
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What do you get when you mix two chains and a cow?
Truuuuuuuuuuu-moooooooooooooooooo!!!
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What does cows say when they want someone to move?
Muuuuuuuuuuuuhve...........
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What do you get if you walk under a cow?
A pat on the head.
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How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?
Udderly useless.
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What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
Deja Moo!
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Why do cows have hoofs?
Because they lack toes
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Why do groups of cows not like new music releases?
Because they've herd it all before
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What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once ?
I'm on the horns of a dilemma here !
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Why are cows so horny?
Cause they're always in the moo'd!
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What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud!
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What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
De-calfinated!
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Why don't cows hang out with camels?
They're all a bunch of drama-dairies.
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Why kind of motorcycles do cows ride?
Mooooootorcycles!
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
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What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster.
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What cows give each other when they meet?
A: A milkshake.
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Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
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What do you call a cow with no hind legs?
an utter drag
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What did the cow say to the other cow?
HOLY SH*T A TALKING COW!
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Why do cows need four legs to walk?
Because they lactose. Moo
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How can working with cow hide help on a first date?
As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.
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What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
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Where do cows like to ride on trains?
In the cow-boose.
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How do cows talk to each other?
They cowmoonicate.
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What does a cow do after a break up?
Mooves on.
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What do you call a cow that's missing a leg?
A 3 legged cow
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What did the cow say about the beef industry?
I've got some steak in it.
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Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder
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Why did the cow get a job at Google?
Because she was out standing in her field.
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What's the difference between Walmart and India?
Well, one is filled with cows. And the other is in Asia.
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What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 10 years.
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What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
Utterly useless
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What did the mad cow say to the other cow?
You don't want beef with me
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What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper!
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What's the difference between a cow and the Twin Towers?
You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
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What is the first derivative of a cow?
A prime rib.
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What's the difference between a cow and The Bible?
You can't milk a cow for 2,000 years.
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What goes ooooooo?
A cow with no lips. ) ) )
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What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ?
A feminist
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What do you have when you have a cow and two ducks?
A: Milk and quackers.
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How do farmers count their cows?
With a Cowculator!!
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What do you call a cow that gets hit by a car?
A dead cow! (My 5-year old made up this joke)
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What did the cow say to the masked robber?
A: Moo.
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What do you tell a cow that's in the way?
Mooooooooooooove.
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Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder
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Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?
Because they weren't getting a square meal.
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What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
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Why are cows so famous?
Because they're out-standing in their field.
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How can you tell a cow isn't listening to you?
Everything you say goes in one ear and out the udder!
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What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A Moosician!
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Why do cows like being told jokes ?
Because they like being amoosed !
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What do you call a Cow on the moon?
A Moo - nwalker
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Why was the cow scared about going into the slaughter house?
His life was at stake. Badum psh.
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Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow?
The steaks are just too high.
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When do cows go to sleep?
Pasture bedtime.
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What do you call a cow that stopped producing milk?
An udder failure.
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What do you tell a cow blocking a road?
Mooove
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Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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What do cows do in traffic?
They moove
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What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits?
A cud thud!
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What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A lumpy milkshake.
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What did the butcher say to the cow?
I love you for your inner beauty.
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How do cows multiply?
With cowculators!
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Why didn't the cow go on to greener pastures?
She couldn't find any mooovers.
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What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?
A milk dud.
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Why do cows never walk out of horror movies?
They're able to stomach a lot.
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Why are cows always broke?
The farmers milk them dry.
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What does a cow say in the winter?
I'm udderly freezing!
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What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache?
A bad mood!
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What does a man with a cow under his nose have?
A moostache (That was udderly terrible)
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What do you call a cow that starts it's own nudie magazine?
Hugh Heifer
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What do you call a cow which can no longer produce milk?
An udder failure.
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What do you call a cow that can go 3000 feet per second?
A bull-ette.
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What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
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What do you call a cow in a 6 second video?
A BoVine
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What's the difference between a cow and Super Mario Bros?
A cow can't be milked for over 30 years
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What do you call a cow that will go down in history?
Legendairy From my young daughter
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What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Eski-moos!
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What US state has the most cows?
Moosouri!
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What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decalfinated
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What do you call cows that are best friends?
Brovines.
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What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand?
Cows-mopolitan!
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Why did the cow go to the psychologist?
She had a fodder complex.
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How does the farmer count up his cows?
with a cowculator.
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How do you get dragon milk?
A cow with short legs
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What does a cow call his girlfriend?
His significant udder.
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What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit?
Hare in your milk!
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What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow?
A tail pail!
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What does a cow who's a jerk grow up to be?
Beef Jerky.
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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
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How do cows communicate?
Moorse code.
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What do you call martial arts for cows?
Mooey Thai.
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mother!
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What do you think I should buy, a cow or a bike?
You'd look pretty funny riding a cow...but you'd look much worst milking a bike
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What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?
Udder chaos!
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How do you turn a fox into a cow?
Marry it
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What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
Reprimand from the university ethics board and immediate withdrawal of all research grants.
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What did the cow say to the paintbrush?
Moo. As told by my kid this morning.
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What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?
De-calf-inated
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How does a farmer count cows?
with a cow-calculator.
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Where did the cow go?
It mooved.
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What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
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Why did the cows cross the road?
They wanted to go to the mooo....vies
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What do you get if you cross a cow a french fry and a sofa?
A cowch potato!
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How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed!
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What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?
Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.
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Why do cows have bells?
Because there horns don't work
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk ?
An udder failure !
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Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?
She was pasteurized!
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Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk!
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What do cows get when they are sick?
Hay Fever
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How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?
Dairy
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What has four legs and goes "Oom! Oom!"?
A cow walking backwards!
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What did the scientists say when they found bones on the moon?
the cow didn't make it.
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Why was the bull popular with all the cows?
Because he was smooooooooth
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What do you call a cow with five legs?
Rare.
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What did the cow is standing all alone in a field say?
Where are the udders? (Thanks to my three boys for that one!)
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What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
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What did the farmer say when the townspeople told him all of his cows were in town..?
I herd.
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What do you get from pampering your cow?
Spoiled milk.
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What do cows like to line dance to ?
Any kind of moosic you like !
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What cars do cows drive?
Cattleacs
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What do cows usually fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
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What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow?
The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.
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What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?
Happy Birthday to MOO Happy Birthday to Moo
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Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?
In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.
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What kind of newspaper do cows read?
The Moo York Times
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Why do cows from the south make the best sandwiches?
Because they are in bread.
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Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who?
No, cows go moo.
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What's the difference between a cow and September 11?
You stop milking a cow after 10 years.
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What do you call a cow that has given birth?
Decalfinated.
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How does a cow do math?
With a cowculator!
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What do you do if a cow is in the middle of the road you're driving on?
steer clear
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Why did the cows return to the marijuana farm?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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What's the difference between slavery and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 150 years.
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What did the farmer say when he found dynamite in one of his cows?
This is a bomb in a bull.
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What did the cow say to the slaughterhouse worker?
You want some beef
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What do you call an Arab who has many cows?
milk sheikh
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Why do cows lie down in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
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What do you call a cow that can't moo?
A milk dud Credit to my 5 year old nephew
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What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows?
A: A milk sheik!
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What's a catalyst?
It's how a farmer keeps track of his cows.
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Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream!
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What do you call a museum for cows?
A moo-seum.
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What do you call a cow that's swallowed a stick of dynamite?
Abominable.
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Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands
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What does a cow measure its harddrive in?
Moogabytes
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What do you call a cow with only legs on one side?
Lean Beef.
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What's the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years
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How do cows get their gossip?
They herd it through the bovine.
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How do cows go from one town to another?
they cowmmute.
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What did the farmer say after he fed his cows pot?
the Steaks are high."
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What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
A bull smiles when you milk it.
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What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday?
A merry dairy!
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Why did the milking stool only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder
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What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
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Why do cows huddle together when it rains?
To keep each udder dry Courtesy of my significant other
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What do you call a cow that got hit by a car?
moo-tilated.
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What happened when the cow tried to milk itself?
It was an udder catastrophe.
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How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
It's a place of udder delight.
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What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
Ground Beef
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What do you call a cow that plays with itself?
Beef Stroganoff
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What does a cow like to do by a campfire?
Roast Moosmallows!
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What do you call a cow in a Russian forest?
A moss-cow. Alternative answer: dead.
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What did the cow say to the hay?
I chews you
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Where does a cow go when he is so upset he doesn't feel like talking?
A moo'd specialist.
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What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?
A stern rebuke from the Ethics Committee, and an immediate cessation of funding.
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What do you get when you administer marijuana to cows?
High steaks! (I'll just see my way out...)
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What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
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How do you count cows?
You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.
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What is the golden rule for cows?
Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
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What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
A: Leave it in the cow.
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What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.
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How do you grow a cow?
Plant its nuts.
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What's the difference between a cow and 911?
You stop milking a cow after 14 years..
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Why don't cows play poker?
Because it's a high steaks game
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Where do Cows go for parties?
The Moovies
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Which newspaper is most popular around cows?
The Moo York Times
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What do cows do after they get married?
They go on their honeymoooooon!
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Why did the cow slap the bull?
He didn't play well with udders.
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What advice to cows give?
Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
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How do cows do math?
A cow-culator. haha haha ha ... ok, I'll leave.
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Why does a cow need a bell?
Because its horn doesn't work.
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What do you call a cow that fell in a hole?
A hole-y Cow!
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What do cows get when they do all their chores?
Mooney.
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What is the most important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.
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What is a better name for cows?
Lawn mooers! My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!
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Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here
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What do you call a cow with a hysterectomy?
Decalfinated.
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What do you call a cow who is also a knight?
Sir Loin.
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What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?
Time to try the udder one."
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What do you call a cow that goes online?
An eMoo.
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What happens when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
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Why did the cow win a Nobel Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field.
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What's the difference between a cow, and 9/11?
You can't milk a cow for 14 years.
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What do you call a cow that gives no milk?
An udder failure.
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What's the difference between a cow and the Holocaust?
A cow can't be milked for 70 years.
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What do you call a cow with one udder?
A bull.
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What do you call a cow if he enjoys burgers?
A cannibull
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What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus ?
A cow that can milk itself !
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What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?
A bullfighter!
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Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
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Why did the Chihuahua laugh?
The cow jumped over the moon.
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What do you call a cow stuck in a hurricane?
A milkshake.
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Why do you take baths in milk?
I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
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What's the difference between the 9/11 attack and a dairy cow?
You stop milking the cow after ten years.
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How do you call a cow with no legs?
You don't, because cows don't have phones.
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Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk?
A mootation
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What do you get when you push a cow out of a plane?
Ground beef
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What did the cow say to the police officer, giving a speeding ticket?
Miav.
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What's beef jerky?
Dried parts of a cow that had Parkinson's.
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Why did the cow get an award?
For being outstanding in his field. Sorry.
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What kind of beer does a cow brew?
Heifer-weizen.
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What do cows like to listen to?
Moo-sic!
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
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What did one cow say to the other?
Just the udder day!
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What do you call it when the only cow on your dairy farm won't produce milk?
Utter despair.
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What do cows do on Sundays?
they go to the moovies
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Why can't cows do ballet?
Because they lactose.
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What do cows do when they're introduced?
They give each other a milk shake!
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How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
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Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
The cow has the udder.
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What did the cow say... What did the cow say when she jumped over the barbed wire fence?
I'm udderly ruined!" credit: my grandma, at every party she's ever been to
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How do cows measure time?
In mooments
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What do you call a cow stable in Egypt?
A Mubarack
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What do cows call Frank Sinatra?
Old Moo Eyes!
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What's the difference between cows and bulls?
It takes longer to milk the bull.
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Why did the cow drink his own milk?
He needed the cowlcium.
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Why did the cow return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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What did the cow say to the farmer named Mitch?
Moo Mitch, get out the hay
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Why are barns so noisy?
All the cows have horns
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What do you call it when a cow goes on holiday?
A vaccation
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What did the cow wear to the football game?
A Jersey.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
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What's it called when a cow attempts to jump a barbed-wire fence?
An udder disaster
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What did the cow do when the farmer was about to hit him?
He mooved
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What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milk shake!
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How do you turn a cow into a steak?
You mootilate it.
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What do you call a moving company owned by cows?
A bunch of moooovers.