Crack Jokes

  • How do you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

    One of them makes crack while the other just markets it.

  • What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

    They both like to crack open a cold one

  • What do eggs do for fun?

    They crack jokes.

  • What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac?

    Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one

  • How do you crack a joke on r/Jokes?


  • What did the fish scream when its tank cracked?


  • What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?

    They both like to crack open a cold one.

  • What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?

    He cracked up.

  • Why should you never tell jokes on the ice?

    The ice might crack up! I use this at the beginning of conversations... it's a reall ice breaker.

  • How best to save the iPhone from FBI?

    Crack it before they hack it.

  • Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall?

    So he could see her crack....

  • What do you call someone addicted to both crack and weed?

    A rockin' roller.

  • What's a crackhead with no drugs?


  • How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

    A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.

  • Why u bean like this?

    SMACK "Don't u carrot all " CRACK

  • What's the smartest dinosaur?

    Thesaurus Rex! omg, I crack myself up! Skip

  • What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

    They both like to crack open a cold one

  • What's a drug addict's favorite music genre?

    Crack rock

  • What's the difference between your mom and a drug dealer?

    Your mom can wash her crack and re-sell it.

  • Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?

    Because his 'I' was all jacked up.

  • What is the bibliophile's favorite website?

    Reddit! Courtesy of my 32 year old boyfriend. He cracks himself up.

  • Whats Fred Flintstones favorite drug?

    Crack Rock.

  • Why don't eggs tell jokes?

    Because they would crack each other up.

  • How many 1980s R &?

    B divas does it take to fix a broken lightbulb? Just one, but they fix the crack by torchlight

  • Why did the bacon laugh?

    Because the egg cracked a yolk.

  • Why are aussie bogans and necrophiliacs the same?

    They both want to crack open a cold one.

  • How much does a plumber make in an hour?

    It depends on how much crack he can produce.

  • What happens when an egg laughs?

    He cracks up

  • Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?

    They don't like getting sand in their crack.

  • What do you call a duck addicted to crack?

    A quack head. What is a ducks favorite snack Quackers. Why couldn't the duck drive his car His windshield was quacked.

  • Which operetta make the Gorilla crack up?

    Nutty Marietta!

  • What do lightning bolts do when they laugh?

    They crack up

  • Who is the KKK's favorite children's character ?

    The White-Power Ranger I came up with this after reading a cracked article.

  • What's the road construction worker's equivalent of a plumbers crack?

    An asphalt

  • What did the guy say to the funny drug dealer?

    You really crack me up dude!" The drug dealer responds with: "How much "

  • What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

    They both love to crack open a cold one.

  • Why do seagulls live by the Sea..?

    Because if they lived by the Bay, they would be bagels! Honestly this cracked me up when I first heard it.

  • Why was the Muslim sad when he bought a pirated disc?

    Because the Disc was cracked

  • What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

    They both like to crack open a cold one

  • What's the difference between a crackhead and a John?

    A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him.

  • Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?

    Because they're both cracked!

  • Why didn't Toronto's mayor tell us earlier about his drug use?

    It must have fallen through a crack.

  • Why should you tell bad jokes to cocaine addicts?

    Because they'll crack up anyways

  • How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

    None. It fell down the stairs.

  • How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.

  • What do you call someone who failed rehab?

    Back on crack

  • Why did the chick disappoint his mother?

    Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.

  • What do a carjacker and pervert have in common?

    They're always cracking in-ya-windows!

  • How do tectonic plates have fun?

    They meet up and crack each other up.

  • What just cracked?

    A guide to aging.

  • How do you make a peanut laugh?

    A: You crack it up.

  • Why did the toilet paper stop crossing the road?

    It got stuck in a crack.

  • What do women and Slinkies have in common?

    Not much, but you can't help but crack a smile when see some tumbling down the stairs.

  • What did the eskimo say when her water broke?

    Oh no, my ice cracked!

  • Why is crack a "Rock"?

    Because it's as hard to get off as Alcatraz.

  • What do crack addicts sing while caroling?

    All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth!

  • Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes?

    To carry his library card.

  • Why can't an egg ever be in charge?

    Because they crack under pressure.

  • How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?

    Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.

  • What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

    I've been really stressed out lately, I know it's not your fault, but please stop cracking jokes about me

  • Whatever happened to silk underwear?

    A: Fell through the cracks.

  • Why did the egg spill his guts at an AA meeting?

    He was addicted to crack.

  • Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

    It didn't want to get stuck in any cracks.

  • Why roboticize vacuuming?

    It's all instant gratification. It's the crack of cleaning.

  • What's the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger?

    An egg gets laid before it cracks.

  • How do you define necrophilia?

    The urge to crack open a cold one

  • What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

    They both love to crack open a cold one.

  • What did the daddy salt say to his son?

    Stop cracking your NaCles."

  • What do me and a mirror have in common?

    A.When we see your face we both crack up!

  • What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one?


  • What did the painter say to the wall?

    A: One more crack, and I'll plaster you.

  • What happened to the egg when it heard the joke?

    It cracked.

  • How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

    Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

  • Why are homeless people always laughing?

    Because they crack themselves up!

  • Why did the kids tell jokes to the mirror?

    They wanted to see it crack up!

  • Why was the egg laughing when it fell off the table?

    Because it cracked itself up.

  • What drug is most destructive with phones?


  • Why was Kim Kardashian arrested at the airport?

    She had two pounds of crack in her knickers.