Dad Jokes

  • What does A&W stand for?

    Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

  • What is closer the moon or London?

    To what the dad responds all serious: Do you see London from here

  • How did the pig get out of the tree?

    The swine flu (joke my dad made up a couple years back during all this)

  • What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

    dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

  • What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

    If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy

  • What's your excuse?

    Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

  • What sort of a car has your dad got?

    I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.

  • What's up dog?

    Dad: Just chilling homie, what's up with you!

  • Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people?


  • What are some good dad jokes?

    I never had a dad to tell me any.

  • What is a better name for cows?

    Lawn mooers! My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!

  • What about your mom?

    No, no. Dad wouldn't allow that."

  • Who is the best Native American to have around when you have a cold?

    The Hanky chief (Yes this is all my own work, I thank you) No I am not a dad

  • Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?

    We're raising mashed potatoes.

  • Where's the best place to hide an elephant?

    Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant? Me: I don't know, behind a big rock? Dad: In a tree silly. Me: In a tree? Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?

  • How was school?

    4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton

  • What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am?

    It's your dad.

  • What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

    How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

  • What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination?

    Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!"

  • What's the difference between your dad and this joke?

    This joke will be back someday

  • What does a Pokemon baby say to his dad in Star Wars?

    Waba Fett

  • Why did the dad say the joke instead of act it out?

    Because it was cheesier said than done.

  • What is the magic word?

    son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case

  • Why do you smell like weed?

    Me: How do you know what weed smells like ! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(

  • Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

    Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask )

  • What's going on?

    Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet They think I'm pee!

  • What do my dad and Carly Rae Jepsen have in common?

    They both said they were just going to the store

  • How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

    Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!

  • What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

    A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

  • What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

    A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

  • What did the dad say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

    Get out of my son!"

  • What's a swear word?

    Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word

  • What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?

    My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!

  • What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?

    Scratching at the inside of her coffin. Courtesy of my dad.

  • Why did the Dad divorce his wife after she named their son?

    She named him Oedipus.

  • What do you call a dad without jeans?

    A potato.

  • What's the difference between my bike and your mom?

    Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.

  • What was Rudolph's nickname?

    Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names. Credit to my dad.

  • What do r/jokes and my dads jokes have in common?

    They don't get better with age

  • What do we call a wireless mouse?


  • Why are your nails painted two different colors?

    Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it

  • What does a 14 year-old Native American girl say when she loses her virginity?

    Stop Dad, you're crushing me smokes!

  • When he grow up, he will ask me, "Dad, did you name me after a planet?

    And i will be like, "No:("

  • Why can't you see a transgender who's a dad?

    Because he's a transparent. Apologies if I could've worded it different.

  • Who was Michael Jackson?

    Son: Dad, is God man or a woman? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God black or white? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God good or bad? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God - Michael Jackson?

  • What's the worst thing about owning a console?

    Memories of your dad leaving you are in 30fps

  • What did the dad say when his daughter gave him gravel for his birthday?

    Thanks for sediments

  • When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

    Yep, people are just dying to get in there

  • What do you call a mexican with two dads?

    No mames!

  • What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store?


  • Why do Mexicans always walk around like the own the place?

    Their dad built it, and their mom cleans it

  • What's your dad do?

    Kid: My dad He's an actor Me: Why Couldn't you get a real dad

  • What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

    A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing."

  • What's the cheapest present for an ophan?

    A tattoo with dad

  • What do you call your mom who used to be your dad?

    A transparent ( )

  • What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?


  • What did they sew you up with?

    My Dad laughing so hard - as he said "That's not funny!" Cat Gut

  • Why does Mom wear makeup?

    Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

  • What does the caller ID say?

    Mom: It's a private caller. Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

  • When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

    you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke

  • Why is the food so cold and bland?

    Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

  • What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?

    Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.

  • How can you tell when Halloween is coming too soon?

    The sight of premature Ejack-o-lanterns in the neighborhood. I'm a Dad so this joke is OK

  • What happened to your car?

    SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now

  • Where did our son go?

    What son *Dad cries with joy

  • Who do women produce milk for?

    The baby and the dad.

  • What do you get when you cross my mom with my dad?

    I don't know, but my Dad said it was a mistake.

  • Where can you meet horny girls?

    Dad! For the umpteenth time there are NO horny girls in this world... Unless they're lesbians.

  • Why does Juan walk around the school like he owns the place?

    Because his dad built it and his mom cleans it

  • Why'd you name me Carson, dad?

    You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.

  • What do my dad and God have in common?

    I've never seen or heard from either of them.

  • Why are we here?

    Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

  • Whats the best part about dating a black girl?

    You rarely have to meet their dad.

  • What do all my friends and my dad have in common?

    i didnt have either growing up

  • What do you call an Asian prize fighter who's dad has a serious case of diarrhea?

    A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy

  • When was Rome built?

    Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

  • How hard is it to find cigarettes?

    Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.

  • Why are you always tired, Dad?

    my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

  • Where am I?


  • How do you hold a pirate rabbit?

    With its buccaneers!

  • Why did the dad make the joke?

    For the pun of it.

  • What does your Dad sell ?

    Ed: Salt. Ned: Well my dad is a salt seller too. Ed: Shake.

  • What did the bicycle call its dad?


  • How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger?

    His mom is Thai and his dad is.......

  • What's the difference between a boy and a girl?

    His dad answers, "Well, there's a vas deferens!"

  • What's the difference between LSD and my dad?

    LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

  • Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?

    From the looks of it, your dad won

  • Why was Simba unable to save his dad in the Lion King?

    He couldnt Mufasa enough.

  • Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?

    In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.

  • Why dad?

    he asks. Because my arm is getting tired

  • What will you have sir?

    Bear: "Gin............ and tonic." Bartender: "Why the big pause " Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."

  • How many dads does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to put it in and one to complain that he never screws anything anymore.

  • Where do dads keep their jokes?

    In their dadabase.

  • How's my dad?

    Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition *shout from inside room "You've never lived to up to your potential!"

  • Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?

    Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

  • What is it son?

    Son: Boys are gathering into our yard! Dad: ...How many boys Son: All of them... Dad: MY MILKSHAKES!

  • What do you call a noisy Chinese dog?

    How-Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)

  • What has four legs but isn't alive?

    The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"

  • What has four legs and isn't alive?

    Son: "nice try, a chair!" Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."

  • What does A&W stand for?

    Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

  • What does a National Geographic magazine or a JC Penney catalog have in common?

    Sorry, the punchline is the joke. If you don't get it, ask your dad.

  • What are we supposed to do about it?

    Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."

  • What is the difference between wealth and poverty?

    And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'

  • When she asks "is that your puppy?

    say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

  • Why is Simba an orphan?

    A: Because his dad couldn't Mufasa 'nuff

  • What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow?

    The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.

  • What did the Iraqi boy say when his dad forgot his rucksack?


  • What did Simba say to his dad when he was moving too slow?


  • Why do Kenyans always win marathons?

    At the end, they get a bag of chips and a Coke. -My dad told me this joke when we went to a race-

  • What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

    Ask your dad.

  • What form of humor is nonexistent in black culture?

    Dad jokes

  • What did the baby computer call his dad?


  • Who was that coughing in the background?

    Me : Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss

  • What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

    Mom and Dad.

  • Who is the coolest guy in a hospital. The ultra sound guy. Whos the coolest when he is off?

    The hip replacement guy. /dad

  • What's a man?

    Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

  • What does my jokes and cancer have in common?

    Only my dad gets it.

  • What's worse: ignorance or indifference?

    Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.

  • How to scare parents?

    Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

  • What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?

    I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)

  • What's something white people can call other white people but black people can't call other black people?


  • What did the redneck say when she lost her virginity?

    GET OFF ME DAD, you're crushing my cigarettes!

  • When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5?

    Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak

  • Why couldn't the redneck kid play baseball?

    Because he fell down a stairs and his dad definitely didn't break his legs.

  • What do Kim Kardashian and her dad have in common?

    They both got famous for getting a black man off.

  • What is the difference between my dad and cancer?

    Cancer came back

  • Dad, can you put my shoes on?

    I don't think they'll fit me.

  • What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?

    A Popsicle.

  • What do you call an Ent prince who betrays his dad?


  • What is the difference between confident and confidential?

    Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

  • What kind of jokes does a zombie make?

    Dad jokes.

  • WhatsApp and SMS ?

    Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

  • What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?

    My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5

  • What did the the dad say to the feminist?

    Hugh Mungus