Day Jokes

  • What is simultaneously the best and sh*ttiest way to start your day?


  • What does Putin say during his new years speech?

    Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

  • What is the American national day for vampires?

    Fangsgiving Day.

  • What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day ?


  • How many seconds are there in a day in Africa?

    Seconds? They barely get firsts!

  • What's a dentists favorite time of day?


  • What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Pinocchio?

    Some day, Pinocchio's going to be a real boy.

  • What is the hottest time of day?


  • What do communists do on May Day?

    Paint the town red.

  • How many vegetables should you pull out of the ground in one day?


  • What did the mime say to the wall?

    Tough getting by these days .

  • Why can't Brock Turner go to jail?

    Because with swim times like his, he might be president some day.

  • Why are bats blind?

    Well your eyesight wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all day would it

  • Why did the calendar give up on life?

    Because he felt his days were numbered.

  • Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ?

    Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.

  • Why did Fetty Wap chose that as his stage name?

    Because he wanted to make $50K per day from ad revenue.

  • Why do pessimists always think it's the weekend?

    Because every day is a sadder-day.

  • Why did the lonely man work on his days off?

    X-post /r/dadjokes) He loved the company.

  • How many people does it take to make a joke on /r/Jokes?

    Three. One to post it, one to make a better punchline in the comments, and one to repost it the next day.

  • Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

    Elf and safety

  • What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?

    I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....

  • What's a gambler's favorite time of day?

    10 to 1.

  • How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Hella. How long does it take them Days.

  • What does a mathematician get from a day at the beach?

    Tan lines.

  • What's the best time of the day?


  • Why did Night fall?

    Because Day tripped him.

  • What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on?

    Do the math! Me: Seriously ! It's 2AM and I'm leading a meeting tomorrow

  • What does Andre 3000's menorah look like on the last day of Hanukkah?


  • Why don't ghosts like rainy days?

    Because it dampens their souls!!!!

  • What do a wedding and a funeral have in common?

    At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.

  • Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

    Because he doesn't know the time of day.

  • What's Chris Brown's favourite time of day?


  • What's the most common activity people do while wearing safety vests?

    Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'

  • Why was the calendar depressed?

    His days were numbered.

  • Why are Women like buses?

    You wait all day for one then find out 48 other people in the local area have been riding on her.

  • Why was Han yelling at Chewbacca on their first day on the Millenium Falcon?

    Because Chewie was making too many wookie mistakes!

  • What runs all day but never gets tired?


  • How are Americans and poles similar?

    Running into one could really ruin your day.

  • Where do bees go on their day off?

    A: To the wax museum.

  • What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral?

    Mourning Wood

  • How do I stay in shape?

    I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

  • How's the oil industry doing these days?

    It's in the tank.

  • Why are there school shootings?

    Mr.Garrison: "Let's start the day with a world news question. Why are there school shootings?" The media: "Violent video games?" Mr.Garrison: "Okay, now lets try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

  • Who doesn't?

    There he is now Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence

  • What is the name of your Russian coworker you see the next day?

    C. U. Tomorov

  • What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?

    A: Bison

  • What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

    a flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

  • What did the Wealth of Nations say to the Communist Manifesto to cheer it up?

    Some day you will be red!

  • What's a dentist's favorite time of day?

    Tooth-hurty I'll show myself out

  • How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

    He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

  • What do you call the day after a sad Friday?

    A sadder day.

  • What's Snoop Dogg's favorite time of day?

    Tree O'clock!

  • Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school?

    A: Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

  • What did John Wilkes Boothe's stage partner wish him on the day of that tragic night?

    Break a leg. So he jumped off the balcony... Sorry that I am not funny.

  • Which day is the most agreeable?


  • What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?

    Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.

  • Where do ghoulies go to on the day before Halloween party?

    To the boo-ty parlour.

  • What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?

    Deja Moo!

  • Where'v you been all day?

    At the beauty salon" "Were they closed! "

  • How was your day ?

    And he goes: " rrrrRough "

  • When's the best time of day to start a diet?

    4:00 For:Klock

  • How is your day going?

    G- Pretty well, Do you want me to walk you back? B- walk me back? G- to the friendzone you just tried to escape.

  • What did the dubstep valentine's day card say?

    I wub you

  • What's Serena Williams' favorite time of day?


  • Why are so many people obese these days?

    Because burgers are$.99 and salads are $4.99

  • What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?


  • How's your day Dog ?


  • What's the difference between a saxophone and an onion?

    You don't cry when you cut up a saxophone. Happy Saxophone Day Why this musical abomination deserves its own day is beyond me. Edit: beside to beyond

  • Why did the employee get fired from the calendar manufacturing company?

    He took a day off

  • Why did Jesus hang on the cross for three days?

    He forgot the safe word.

  • What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning?

    Another day.

  • How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas?

    He was de-lighted.

  • Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

    Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

  • Which is the month in which women talk the least?

    February... because it has the least number of days

  • What happened to your three week diet ?

    Player: I finished it in three days !

  • Why are indecisive miners the worst?

    because all day they deal with ores.

  • What time of day is the saddest?

    The mourning

  • What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?


  • What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?

    Yall nailed it.

  • Why do fanfic writers like Amazon Prime?

    They get free two-day shipping.

  • What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?


  • Why do you make more money?

    A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

  • What did Abe Lincoln say after a three day drinking binge?

    Wait I freed ?!?!?"

  • What day was Doris Day born?

    Doris' day.

  • What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

    It's Christmas, Eve!

  • What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day?

    A rednnnnnneeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkk.

  • How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day?

    Like what if you find a penny

  • How do you make a dog meow?

    Put it in the freezer for three days. Run it through a bandsaw. Meoooooow.

  • What happens to Eminem when he dies?

    I accidentally this joke the other day. Do you think it has potential?

  • Why are fire trucks red?

    You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.

  • Why did the peasant have poor judgement?

    He couldn't afford better judgement I'll be here all day folks

  • What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers?


  • How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?

    It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.

  • Which day of the week do ghosts like best?


  • What Would Beyonce Do?

    Would she apply for a job Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."

  • How can you make so many mistakes in just one day ?

    Pupil: I get up early !

  • How do people see so much on internet these days?

    They put on the Google!

  • When was Rome built?

    Pupil: At night. Teacher: Why did you say that Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

  • What will I have at the end of the day?

    Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

  • What is a dentist's favorite time of the day?


  • Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas?

    Because it's Boxing Day!

  • What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

    Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!

  • What does a rock do all day?

    Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)

  • Why are Saturday and Sunday strong?

    Because all the other days are week days.

  • What you gonna do on St. Valentine's day?

    What day is it " "Friday." "Shepherd's Pie."

  • What's a joke that you invented?

    Here's mine: Did you hear about the guy who had to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.

  • What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree?

    I freed the what?"

  • What did the Buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?


  • Why did the calendar die?

    It's days were numbered.

  • What days are strong days?

    Saturday and Sunday, because the rest are weak days.

  • What do you call something that's impossible due to physics?

    Physics-ly impossible. There's your dad joke for the day.

  • What did Santa get the day after Christmas?


  • Why do moslem girls love black guys?

    more satisfaction at night for wearing a ninja suit all day.

  • How are the band "The Scorpions" and rural shepherds alike?

    They just wanna be loved by ewe. Made up this joke/pun at work the other day (I'm sure I'm not the first), decided to subject you all to it. All apologies to shepherds who are not physical with your sheep.

  • What's Beethoven up to these days?


  • What did Hillary have for lunch the other day?

    Little Seizures

  • How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was?


  • What's Jared Fogle's favorite time of day?

    When the big hand touches the little one

  • When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

    Two days seems like a long time.

  • Why did Sally the Sloth sleep in all day?

    Because her crippling depression leaves her unable to function properly.

  • How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Hella. How long does it take them Days.

  • What do you call that which barks during the day and floats during the night ?

    Your grandma's jaws

  • How is Jesus different from other carpenters?

    Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day

  • Why does the KKK like christmas?

    Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

  • Why was the calendar nervous?

    It's days were numbered!

  • Why do librarians like the wind?

    It says, "Shhh!" all day!

  • What do you want to work on today?

    Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

  • How long have we had that pillow?

    Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

  • What's the difference between the wind and a blonde?

    Some days the wind doesn't blow.

  • What do you call a dog that is underwater?

    A sub-woofer! Thank you, I'll be here all day.

  • What did the Middle Eastern dishwasher say when his boss asked him what he did all day at work?

    Iraq the dishes in the dish rack and Iran the dishwasher

  • What's a pilots least favorite holiday?

    May Day!

  • How many "can't"s can a white girl "can't" before she literally can't even?

    my brother asked me this when i woke up and it has been bugging me all day.

  • What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving?

    I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

  • What day is /r/Jokes favorite?

    Earth Day, it's all about recycling!

  • What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?

    If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.

  • Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus?

    At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.

  • What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning?

    Go Ahead Make My Day"

  • What the NSA say to NASA?

    You're a day late and a dolla short!

  • Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

    Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

  • Why should a honeymoon only be six days?

    ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.

  • Where are the raisins today?

    A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

  • What do you call the day before Christmas Eve?

    Christmas Adam

  • What do Jedi say on May 4th?

    May the force be with you just like every other day because they have no concept of our Gregorian calendar.

  • How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"

  • What's the difference between George Michael and Carrie Fisher?

    Two days.

  • Why did the cheerleader get kicked out on her last day of school?

    x-post from /r/punny Because you can't end on a prep position.

  • What's longer than most relationships these days?

    This status.

  • Why does Tiger have to take so many baths?

    Because he plays with Pooh all day.

  • How was your first day at school?

    Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

  • How did skeletons send each other letters in the days of the Wild West?

    By Bony Express.

  • What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common?

    Cold turkey

  • What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

    One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

  • Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

    Dayscare centers

  • When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?

    The Wii hours of the morning.

  • What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

    You meet new people every day.

  • Why are black people getting stronger?

    Because the televisions these days are getting heavier.

  • What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals ?

    The Lakers . (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals. ) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke .

  • Why did people back in the day not accept left handed people?

    Because it wasn't right. I'm sorry bye.

  • Why was the blond late on her first day of work?

    Because she stopped taking the pill about a month earlier.

  • Whats a dentists favorite time of day?

    The time of day he get into his BMW to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day

  • Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?

    I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake

  • Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?

    Because the date wasn't nailed down.

  • Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins?

    Those little guys don't hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

  • What's the best time of day?

    The Spanish Inquisition. . . . . . Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?

    Jesus may actually return some day.

  • What do you call a T-Rex that's been weightlifting all day?


  • Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

    Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.

  • Whats baked every day and sells itself?

    My sister.

  • What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day?

    I want to know her secret

  • Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

    Because all the kids have to play in side.

  • How do you stop ISIS?

    Leave some milk in the sun for a few days.

  • Who's there ! C's ! C's who ?

    C's the day !

  • Why didn't the mother splinter call her son on his birth-day?

    Because he's a little prick!

  • Why are there no black cults?

    Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.

  • What are your go to jokes?

    I was at an event the other day and someone asked "So... anyone know any jokes?" What's everyone's "go to" joke in social situations?

  • How was your day?

    Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake 1: How is that sad 2: He could bearly swim! 1:.. 2: He ate 3 campers

  • What did the Momma buffalo say to the baby buffalo on his first day of school?

    Bye Son (Bison)

  • What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas?

    It's Christmas, Eve."

  • Why wasn't Rome built in a day?

    Because it was a government job.

  • When do Arabs return their library books?

    the day they're Dubai.

  • Whats the difference between congress and parliament?

    Ones filled with a bunch of baboons and the other just doesn't give a hoot during the day.

  • Why'd the seaman cross the road?

    Because I wore the wrong sock that day.

  • What time of day was Adam born?

    Just a little before Eve

  • Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

    Because everything is a steal.

  • What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

    Well I'll be damned!

  • How did the monster cure his sore throat?

    He spent all day gargoyling.

  • What are Mozart and Beethoven up to these days?

    They're both Decomposing

  • Why does more black people get run over during the day?

    You can't see them when it is night.

  • What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods?

    Teenagers these days be all "I hate you mom I'm joining ISIS."

  • What does Sonic say on the first day of Ramadan?

    Gotta go fast!

  • What does Hodor start off his day with?

    Raisin' Bran.

  • What do a Marionette User and Tampon Thief have in common?

    They both pull strings for work. (Inspired by Bo Burnham, this popped into my head the other day)

  • What do Mexicans say on their first day in America?

    Jose can you see, by the dawn's early light...

  • What's the difference ?

    What's the difference between getting your girlfriend pregnant and asking how her day went There is no difference, you always regret both!

  • How can a man go eight days without sleep?

    No problem , He sleeps at night.

  • Why did Peter Parker get fired?

    He spent all day on the web.

  • What time of day are you not able to find your watch?


  • What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?

    Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.

  • What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?

    A year in prison if there's any justice.

  • Why should honeymoons only last six days?

    Because seven days makes a hole weak.

  • Why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock?

    Because it won't even give you the time of day.

  • Why don't we see more midget actors?

    I guess you can say that they are in short supply these days.

  • What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?

    Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"

  • How was your first day of school?

    5-year-old: Long. Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better. 5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back

  • What do all North Korean's say when you ask them how their day was?

    can't complain"

  • Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon?

    He wanted to see stars during the day.

  • What is the biggest similarity between the average Redditor and a lumberjack?

    They both sleep all night and whack all day!

  • What's the difference between Reddit and Facebook?

    About a day

  • Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...

    He loves his pot.

  • Why don't they play poker in the savanna?

    because there are too many cheetahs. Thank you i will be here all day.

  • What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it?

    Money's tight these days!

  • How was your day, Daddy?

    Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS! !

  • What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet?

    V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.

  • What time of day is it in France right now?


  • What day does the egg fear most?


  • Who can shave 25 times in one day, and still have a beard?

    A barber!

  • Why is the UK suddenly a happy place?

    Because now they too have a day to light fireworks on!

  • What's the most problematic time of day?


  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

    I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

  • Why are white girls always tired?

    Because they've literally been running around all day

  • What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day?

    He always came on time.

  • What's the difference between a joke on Reddit and a joke on 9Gag?

    About a day.

  • Why can't you trust girls?

    because you can't trust something that bleeds for days and doesn't die.

  • Why Isn't The Media Covering This?

    the media asks other media, peering into its media mirror, media-ing before a day of media in media.

  • What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

    new gloves for the cold days

  • Why the population in India is exploding these days?

    Because everyone over there is doing IT!

  • What is that son of yours doing these days ?

    2nd Monster: He's at medical school. 1st Monster: Oh what's he studying 2nd Monster: Nothing they're studying him!

  • What do women want?

    She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.

  • Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

    Because then the children have to play inside.

  • What kind of alcohol gets stuck in your head for days?

    Red Red Wine!

  • Why was the man hanging out in the market all day?

    I don't know, but it was pretty bazaar

  • What do you call the day before a trip to an otolaryngologist?

    New Ears Eve

  • How do you spot a bad boss your first day on the job?

    Check his/her pulse. (bitter at the workplace)

  • How about a scarf?

    Johnny Depp's stylist every day.

  • Why is thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station?

    It is a day to be tankful.

  • What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

    my girlfriend who's a high school teacher heard this from a student the other day) Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs? A: Lean Beef Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs? A: Your mom

  • Why did the elephant cross the road ?

    Because the chicken was having a day off !

  • How did the bad Canadian fisherman describe his only catch of the day?

    Aboot this big"

  • Why sugars are very unhappy these days?

    It is sweet but still is not getting added do any thing!