Die Jokes

  • What did the allergic say after getting stung by a bee?

    Life's a bee-itch and then you die."

  • Why do black people always die first in scary movies?

    Because they never run from nothin but the police

  • What do songwriters do after they die?

    They decompose

  • How did the hipster die?

    He drowned in the mainstream because he stood on it before it was cool.

  • Where does every craps player want to go when they die?


  • What do you call a natural blonde who dies her hair?

    Artificial intelligence.

  • What did the fruit enthusiast do as he was dying?

    Prepear for the end.

  • What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

    Mourning wood.

  • Why do we need to die?


  • What does mosquito say when its parents die?

    shhhhhh.....it !!

  • What has four legs and isn't alive?

    Son: "nice try, a chair!" Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."

  • Why did Simba's dad die?

    He couldn't Mufasa

  • Why do men die before their wives?

    Because we want to!

  • How many times we need to tell you that she died?

    Man: It pleases me to listen that she died.

  • Who circles a dying gost in the desert?

    ghost buzzards

  • What did the scientist say before he died by mixing Hydroxide and Nitrate?

    OH NO !"

  • Where do we go when we die?

    In the ground.

  • Why did the rapper die after being shot?

    He forgot 2pac his bullet proof vest

  • Why does jesus not play video games?

    Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

  • What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the dead baby in my microwave?

    Isaac Newton died a virgin

  • What will people say when Prince Charles dies?

    Long live the Queen.

  • What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

    ya'll watch this!

  • How do most elderly golfers die?

    They have a bad stroke

  • Why did Tomoe Mami die?

    She got ahead of herself.

  • Why do Europeans hate American food?

    Europeans don't want to die yet. Unlike Americans who don't wanna diet.

  • What is with 2016?

    It's like everyone and their mothers are dying. sorry not sorry

  • Why do you put a fence around a graveyard?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • How do blondes' brain cells die?


  • What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown?

    A. Artificial intelligence.

  • What do you do when a Chemist dies?

    You Barium.

  • What happens to me when I die?

    Idk. (I decay)

  • Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

    Because old Hobbits die hard...

  • What happens when a stormtrooper and a redshirt get in a fight?

    The stormtrooper misses every shot, but the red shirt still dies.

  • Why did Vivaldi die poor?

    Because he was baroque.

  • Why did all the black people die in the war?

    Because when they captain said, "GET DOWN!" They all started dancing..

  • What did the boy say when his dog died?

    What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.

  • Why did the calendar die?

    It's days were numbered.

  • Why did ISIS stop looting viagra?

    The goats all died.

  • What happens when Frogs die playing Call of Duty?

    They respawn.

  • What did they call Jesus after He died on the cross?


  • What will they call Mr. T after he dies?

    Mr. T-Bone

  • What does a shooting star say to his buddy before he dies?

    Meet me - oh, right.."

  • Who does first?

    Who dies first? No one cares. :/

  • Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ?

    Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !

  • Why did the hamster die?

    He just didn't have the wheel to live.

  • Why did 10 die?

    Because it was in the middle of 9 11

  • Why do you give children who swallowed poison some milk?

    To make them happy before they die.

  • What do John Belushi, Jim Morrison, John Candy, Jimi, Hendrix, and Janice Joplin have in common?

    They all died Jung.

  • How did he die?

    The rock is kyptonite and the man is superman.

  • Why did the man that drank 10 cups of poisoned Lipton not die?

    He drank so much poison it built his immuni-tea.

  • How good are the showers at Auschwitz?

    They're to die for.

  • Why are most cemeteries fenced in?

    Because everyone is dying to get in

  • What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

    The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies. Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

  • What would you do if I died?

    Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry Husband: Ah, not that crazy..

  • When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

    Yep, people are just dying to get in there

  • Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?

    Because people are dying to get in there.

  • How does John Marston take a shower?

    1st he gets nice and wet, then he dies of drowning

  • What do MLK, Elvis, and the Houston Oilers have in common?

    They all died in Tennessee

  • What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

    A: A pair of Re-bachs.

  • How did the psychologist die?

    He Freudian slipped.

  • How did the sad clown smile and laugh again?

    They told him his wife died recently.

  • When did she die?

    My guess would be sometime this morning.

  • What was the last thing that went through Paul Walker's mind before he died?

    The windshield.

  • Why did Bilbo Baggins die with a Erection?

    Because old hobbits die hard. (Just a different Punchline)

  • What's the difference between an Irish guy dying in a play, and you getting laid?

    One's a tragic Mick...

  • Why are all black people scared of sleeping?

    Cause one had a dream, and he died.

  • How did Mace Windu from Star Wars die?

    Through the windu!

  • How many communists died during ww2?

    not enough

  • What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital?

    Oy vey!"

  • What happened to the man who died from drinking Shellac?

    He had a *lovely finish*.

  • What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

    A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"

  • What did the necrophiliac have when his grandmother died?

    Mourning wood

  • Why did the dog die?

    It had Barkinsons

  • Which one died first?

    Neither. It was a tie-die.

  • Why do so many American kids die in school shootings?

    They're not allowed to run in the halls.

  • Which fish go to heaven when they die ?

    Angelfish !

  • Why did Mufasa die?

    Because he didn't Mufasa-nuff.

  • Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?

    Because deep down they're really nice people.

  • How are cats like empty wine bottles?

    I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

  • What happens to the water level in the aquarium when one of the fish dies?

    It rises because the rest of the fishes are crying :'(

  • When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?

    Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

  • What do I do after I die?

    Idk EDIT: Read the letters out loud :)

  • How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

  • Why do they have fences around cemetaries?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • What do you do with an infected chemist?

    You try to Curium. If that doesn't work and he dies, then Barium

  • What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?

    People actually care if a gorilla dies.

  • What did Orville say when Keith Harris died?


  • What happens when you insult Terrance on the Oregon Trail?

    You died of dysentery. Sorry.

  • Why did my husband die?

    Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

  • Why do monks wear the same clothes every day?

    Because old habits die hard.

  • What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways?

    He died on the cross!

  • What does the Pope Jean-Paul 2 and the little girl kidnapped by Boko Haram have in common?

    The pope died a virgin

  • What happens in a battle between storm troopers and red shirts?

    Star Trek) The storm troopers all miss, and the red shirts all die

  • What do you call innocent women and children dying in the middle east?


  • Why do procrastinators live the longest?

    Because they die at the last second.

  • Why did the butcher die ?

    Because he chopped off the wrong sausage.

  • How did Kurt Cobain die?

    With a Cobang

  • What's so cool about cemeteries?

    I don't get it. People are dying to get in them.

  • What happens to Captain America when he dies?

    He goes to the Evans

  • What happens when someone overdoses on Viagra?

    They die hard.

  • Why are so many Koreans named Park?

    Because the ones named Drive all died in crashes.

  • What can save a dying blonde?

    A: Hair transplants.

  • Why do more men die in car crashes than woman?

    Because women are at the wheel.

  • What happens to lawyers after they die?

    They lie still.

  • What do you do when a Chemistry teacher dies ?


  • Why is there a fence around the graveyard?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • How did the Scot die?

    He got kilt.

  • How did the cynic die?

    He died of liver failure. He took everything with a pinch of salt.

  • What happens when a guy from Finland dies?

    He is finnished. Ha ha ha. God I am so depressed. :(

  • What happened to you ?

    PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.

  • What happens to a tapeworm after it dies?

    It will be interred.

  • What makes a grown man cry?

    Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

  • What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

    Artificial intelligence.

  • What mammal dies after it mates?

    Anyone that goes near my wife!

  • How did the pollock die raking leaves?

    He fell out of the tree.

  • What do radical feminists and Game of Thrones have in common?

    All men must die.

  • How did the Italian die?

    Talking while driving.

  • Where does a catholic cat go when it dies?


  • Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

    No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

  • What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?


  • What do lawyers do after they die?

    They lie still.

  • Where do bacteria go when they die?

    St. Petri Dish.

  • How many super sayen do you need to change a bulb ?

    Only one, but it take 4 episodes and Krilin died at the end.

  • How much terroristen died zat dey?

    Twelve The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."

  • What happened to the Italian chef when he died?

    He .

  • Why did the water level in the pond rise?

    Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.

  • When do clocks die?

    When their time is up.

  • Where do cows go when they die?


  • What doesn't float to the top when it dies?

    A day old reddit post.

  • What happens to Eminem when he dies?

    I accidentally this joke the other day. Do you think it has potential?

  • Why don't they call the Batman film "The White Knight" instead of "The Dark Knight"?

    Because no one would care that he died.

  • Why do husbands die before their wives?

    They want to.

  • What do people call Mozart and Beethoven after they died?


  • What happens when you die?

    Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff

  • Why did all most of the black soldiers die in Vietnam?

    When the commander yelled "GET DOWN", they all started dancing.

  • Why are there fences around a graveyard?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • What organ in the body never dies?

    THE LIVER. ometrist will copyright this joke. hopefully.

  • How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

    I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

  • Why do men, on average, die before women?

    Because they want to.

  • Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love?

    If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

  • Why does the graveyard have fences?

    Because people were dying to get in!

  • What do you get when a clown dies in a desert?

    Dry Humour.

  • Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

    People are dying to get in.

  • What are the most racist jokes you know?

    There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died. What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool? Coco puffs.

  • Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

    Because red shirts die easily.

  • How did the grave robber perish when he became trapped in a pyramid?

    He died of asphinxiation!

  • How many Super Sayajins does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just one, but it lasts five episodes. And Kuririn dies.

  • Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?

    Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.

  • Why did Jesus die on the cross?

    he forgot the safe word

  • How did Captain Hook die?

    Jock itch.

  • What's the last thing a Redneck says before he dies?

    Watch this!

  • How did Aladdin die?

    Carpet bombing.

  • What did the blonde medical student die from?

    An aneurysm.

  • What did iodine say to Xenon when caesium died?

    Well, I guess we better Barium.

  • How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?

    He read it in the Hobbituary.

  • Who's singing this?

    Me: "Franz Ferdinand." 7yo: "But, he died in 1914." Me:

  • Where will they put Deadmau5 when he dies?

    In a Mau5oleum!

  • Why was Jesus in such good shape when he died?

    He was Cross-Fit.

  • What did the autobots call Optimus Prime after he died?

    Posthumous Prime

  • How do blonde braincells die?


  • What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?

    I can't bereave it!

  • Why do black people have nightmares?

    Because one had a dream and died

  • What happens when almonds die?


  • Who sang at the funeral of those who died in a railroads arson?

    Adele. Some one set fire to the train

  • What is one of the funniest simple joke you have ever heard?

    Literally... made you die laughing e.g. Why did the monkey fall of the tree bc it died e.g. How do you keep an idiot in suspense

  • Why are there walls around a cemetery?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • What's it called when a hippy hangs himself?


  • How did Reggie Rocket's brother die?

    Otto Erocket Asphyxiation

  • Why was the Scotsman buried on the hill?

    He died.

  • Why do they have fences around a cemetery?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

    He died in his teepee

  • How do black people die from a drive by?

    Everytime someone screams "get down! " they stand up and start dancing!

  • Why are lawyers buried 18 feet deep when they die?

    Because deep down they're all actually good people.

  • Who's there? Alan Rickman and David Bowie. Alan Rickman and David Bowie who?

    Alan Rickman and David Bowie have both died recently.

  • What is the point of owning a fish?

    They are just furniture with the ability to die.

  • Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?

    The shampoo bottle put him in an infinite loop.

  • Why do they build fences around graveyards?

    Because people are dying to get in

  • What do you call a bee that never dies?

    A zomBEE!

  • Why did the elephant paint his balls green?

    Answer: to hide in avocado trees.. How did Tarzan die? Answer: Picking avocados

  • What do you with a dying chemist?

    Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!

  • How did the sun die?

    It went to Detroit.

  • What do people do when a chemist dies?

    They barium.

  • Who wants to go to Florida with me?

    I heard the clubs are to die for.

  • What happened when a deadly rattle snake bit a witch ?

    He died in agony !

  • How is she now ?

    She's fine. But the dog died.

  • Where do children that die home alone go?


  • What did Jesus say to Mohammed...?

    What did Jesus say to Mohammed 'I died for you' What did Mohammed say in return 'How many did you take with you '

  • Why did Will die?

    Because the commanding officer told his soldiers: "Fire at will"

  • How did the Fonz die?


  • What did Tupac say when his best friend died?

    No Biggie.

  • What animal spins around about 200 times after it dies?

    A rotisserie chicken

  • Why do hipsters never die?

    Because everyone does that already.

  • What am I herring?

    This scampi true! Whale I squid you not Oh cod I can't die Waterboat me You're so shellfish Fin

  • Who is going to die in the new Star Wars?

    Some Stormtrooper

  • Why are ghosts always just moaning?

    Did your manners die too Use your words!

  • What did Bowie say before he died?

    Robin, is that you

  • What happens when a pope dies?

    Another pops up.

  • Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

    Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

  • What do french fries and friends have in common?

    They both die if you chop them

  • What about Leo?

    Steward: No. Leo dies.

  • What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died?

    Aloha Ackbar!

  • What dies a little, when explained about?

    A joke.

  • Where do Muslim people go when they die?


  • Why did all the sea monsters refer to the kraken as a whore when he died?

    Because he died choking on a bunch of seamen.

  • Where do burgers go when they die?


  • Why Did the Native Americans Car Break Down?

    Their Injun died on them!

  • What do you call a jelly bear that died and came back?

    A mummy bear

  • What do you say when someone dies while getting an erection?

    He came and went at the same time.

  • Where did the apple go when it's parents died?

    Answer: To a Bananas foster home.

  • How does Furious 7 end?

    Paul Walker dies.

  • What is it called when an unborn baby dies in a horse-drawn sleigh?

    A mis-carriage

  • How do most vegans die?


  • Which movie is on every man's bucket list?

    Die Hard

  • How did the homeless handicap child die?


  • How did Charles Darwin die?

    Natural causes.

  • What is the similarity between Steve Job and Robb Stark?

    They both died when they were really popular.

  • Why did Jesus take three days to resurrect after dying on the cross?

    Because the date wasn't nailed down.

  • What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

    An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

  • Why do artists die early in life?

    Too many strokes.

  • Why is Lamar Odom so much fun...?

    Because, he's just dying to party.

  • Why did the chemist die?

    He ate a Pb and J sandwich.

  • Why did so many black people die in Vietnam?

    Because when they shouted "GET DOWN!" they all started dancing.

  • What do you call it when an Asian's imaginary friend dies?


  • Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?

    He just needed a little bit of Clojure.

  • What is WILL.I.AM going to be called after he dies?


  • What happens when redditors die?

    RIP in box

  • How long did it take Goku to change a lightbulb?

    20 Episodes and Krillin dies.

  • What type of bees don't die?


  • Why did John F. Kennedy die?

    He was too open-minded.

  • What happens to superficial people when they die?

    They end up in a shallow grave.

  • What happens when I die?


  • What did the chemist say when he found out his two pet dogs died?


  • Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?

    Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

  • What did the dog say before he died?

    Well I'll be dog-gone.

  • How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?

    Three, two to die and one to never get over it.

  • What are a redneck's last two words before dying ?


  • What do you do to a scientist after he dies?

    You Barium.

  • Why do cool guys never look at explosions?

    Because they die in them.

  • What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

    The black one always dies first.

  • What's the difference between Ethiopians and gorillas?

    Nobody cares about Ethiopians dying. (First post on r/jokes and a bit offensive)

  • What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

    Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one

  • Why did the boy die when a car ran over his finger?

    His finger was up his nose.

  • What did the humanistic psychologist say at Freud's funeral?

    He died at such a Jung age.

  • How'd you die?

    I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

  • How do frogs die?

    They kermit sucide

  • Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?

    Cuz everyone was dying to get in.

  • Where we going?

    Will there be food Why do I have to die Why didn't you like my last pic ..

  • Why did the man drowning in the Nile River think he wasn't going to die?

    Because he was in de-nile.

  • Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died?

    Because he was the rightful heir

  • How did the feminist die?


  • Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

    Old habits die hard

  • How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

  • Where do cats go when they die?


  • Why do new Irish mothers keep dying?

    Because they lack taters

  • Why did Kyle Crane have to change the lightbulb?

    because he had a dying light

  • What sound does a dying Turkey make?

    Coup coup coup

  • Why can't a fish be a radio host?

    Because if he goes on air, he'll die.

  • What is the difference between christianity and national socialism?

    In christianity, one guy died for all the others.

  • Why did the gentleman hold the door?

    Because he was dying to do so.

  • What happens when a lawyer dies??

    Who cares!

  • What is cold, grey, and ugly?

    Me after I take all the Nyquil and die. Also, Janet Reno.

  • Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why didn't the Asian man cry when his wife died?

    Because he just couldn't bereave it.

  • Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

    Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

  • Where are the raisins today?

    A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

  • How would you feel if I die?

    Husband: I will go mad with grief. Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!

  • What does my mom and a turkey have in common?

    They both died on Thanksgiving

  • Why did Hu wind-up worse off than Yu?

    Because Hu died and made Yu king. Hu died and made Yu king? Isn't that what I just said?

  • Why do cemeteries have fences?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • What did Beethoven do when he died?


  • How did the king die?

    He had a bad heir day

  • Why are there fences around graveyards/cemeteries?

    Because people are dying to get in!

  • Why did the hipsters die of dehydration?

    They stayed away from the mainstream.

  • Where did Robin Williams go after he died?

    To the Mork.

  • How did Mace die in Star Wars?

    Through the Windu

  • What happens when the Pope dies?

    another one popes up.

  • Why do graveyards have fences?

    Cause everyone's dying to get in!

  • Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?

    Because they don't want the siren to die.

  • Why do cemeteries have fences around them?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • Why did the Russians send a dog to space to die?

    Because they didn't Lajka.

  • How did the gangster die below the Empire State Building?

    Someone dropped a dime on him.

  • Which part of your body shuts down last when you die?

    The eyes, cause they di-late.

  • How many Sayians does it take to change a light bulb?

    One. But it'll take 3 episodes, and Krillin dies.

  • How do blonde brain cells die?


  • Where is 5?

    Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

  • Why did the man drowning in the river think he wasn't going to die?

    He was in de-Nile.

  • Why did the pimp's garden dry up and die?

    Because all of his hose had kinks.

  • What would you get if Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson all died in a plane crash?

    Take your time, there's no Rush...

  • Why did Bowie die?

    I guess he was shot through the heart

  • How did the Pillsbury Dough Boy Die?

    A Yeast Infection

  • How's Terry Fox like Jack Layton?

    They both tried to run a country and died before finishing.

  • Where do people go when they die?

    Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

  • What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?

    Well, that's the edamame.

  • What do you call a French General who charged into battle and died?

    Napoleon Blownaparte

  • What do you call a vegetable/fruit that dies for it's religion?

    A Tomartyr

  • Why does Snape teach options and not herbology?

    His lily died

  • Where do you want to be buried?

    Me: You mean after I die, right

  • Why can't you trust girls?

    because you can't trust something that bleeds for days and doesn't die.

  • Why are there fences around cemeteries?

    people are dying to get in.

  • Why did Steve Jobs die too soon?

    Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

  • How did the toad die ?

    He simply croaked !

  • What happens when the President dies?

    The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.

  • How did the stoner die?

    Blunt force trauma.

  • How did Wendy die?

    The baconator

  • Why do they put fences around graveyards?

    Because people are dying to get in.

  • What did Jay Z say when his friend died?

    No Biggie.

  • What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve?

    Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning

  • What do you can an agent orange attack on Bangkok?

    Thai die.

  • How is this possible?

    Shannon died in a car accident.

  • What do bees and celebrities have in common?

    They're both dying at an alarming rate.

  • How can you tell when a Canadian is successful?

    He dies in his LA home at 82.

  • What do you call a hundred year old man who dies in the library?


  • What did the rich bald man want before he died?


  • Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

    A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

  • What do we do when chemists die?

    We barium.

  • Why was the man selling CDs at 12:30 a.m.?

    Because his mixtape was to die for...

  • Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

    Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

  • What happened when the Italian chef died?

    He pasta away

  • How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

  • Why are there no cats on Mars?

    Because there is no oxygen and they'd die from UV radiation, you idiot.

  • Where do puppies go when they die?

    Back into the microwave so I can get in another round.

  • Where do lightbulbs die?


  • Why didn't John die?

    John is a bird.

  • What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died?

    slowing down his car. ... ... shoutout to for this one.

  • Why did Jesus die ?

    He forgot his safe word.

  • What is the worst that can happen to an atheist caricaturist ?

    To die as a martyr.

  • Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

    Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

  • How did Mace die?

    Through the Windu.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and the chicken that crossed the road?

    Jesus died on the cross

  • What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

    Well I'll be damned!

  • What do old people often do?


  • Why why why after all these years?

    They say "We were waiting for the children to die."

  • What did Kermit the Frog say after Jim Hensen died?


  • Why did the programmer die in the shower?

    He followed the shampoo instructions.

  • Why are there no elderly people in Africa?

    They all die when they turn aidy.

  • What do you do to a chemist after they die?

    You Barium

  • Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

    She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

  • What will i do when i die?


  • What were the last words Jimi Hendrix said before he died?

    S'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...*

  • How do you die by heroin?

    When you are the villain

  • What do you do when a timeline dies?

    Barry it.

  • What do they call deers in space?

    I don't know, they would probably die anyways.

  • Why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground?

    Because he reached terminal velocity.

  • Why did the plumber cry?

    His family died.

  • What happened when the barman died?

    The police held an inn-quest

  • What is Tom Brady's favorite opera?

    Deflatermaus! (Die Fledermaus!)

  • Why is the story of the Mayan Sacrifice girl so sad?

    Because she died a virgin!

  • How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

    Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

  • How did Paul, the octopus, originally die?

    Torres went and asked Paul proudly, "How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup " Paul died laughing.

  • What happened when the carrot died?

    There was a huge turnip at the funeral.

  • How does the chef prepare the chicken?

    The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

  • How did Sigmund Freud die?

    He slipped

  • How do frogs die ?

    They kermit suidide !

  • What runs forever and never dies?

    An argument with a woman! And I'm in one right now.

  • Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?

    Every time someone said "Get down!" they jumped up and started dancing.

  • What happens when a guy with no legs dies?

    He punches the bucket

  • Why Latvian man did cross road?

    Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.

  • Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII?

    I don't know Anne Frankly I don't care.

  • What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?

    I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....

  • Why do husbands typically die before their wives?

    They want to.

  • Which one is the boy you've been seeing?

    New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

  • Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings?

    Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard.

  • Why did the blonde feminist want to be cremated when she died?

    She thought a traditional burial would be too bio-degrading.

  • How now! a rat?

    stabs curtain* LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w'rst game of hideth and seeketh ev'r *dies*

  • What do you do when a scientist dies?

    You barium! ba-dum-tss

  • Why did the white girl die of alkalosis?

    Because she was too basic

  • Why do women make better soldiers?

    Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

  • Why did Paul Walker die?

    His name wasn't Paul Driver.

  • Why did the Lebo die?

    Cause he was fullllly sik m8.

  • How did Steve Jobs die?

    From PC

  • Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

    It died.

  • Why did the pirate captain suddenly die?

    He had an an*yarr*ysm.