Doctor Jokes

  • Why did the orange go to the doctor?

    Because she wasn't peeling very well... All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here

  • What did the router say to the doctor?

    It hurts when IP.

  • What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

  • When do doctors get angry?

    When they run out of patients.

  • Why did the shark go to the doctors?

    Because he didn't feel very whale

  • What did the doctor say to the parents of an ugly baby?

    I charge five dollars if its a boy and five dollars if its a girl. Lets just say this ones on the house.

  • Why did the doctor quit his job?

    He ran out of patients.

  • Why doctor?

    Doctor: "Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting."

  • What happened when two hydrogen atoms collided?

    The doctor had to heal-ium.

  • What are we waiting for?

    the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

  • Why did a surgeon go to prison?

    His medical license was doctored.

  • Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?

    Because the condition was untweetable.

  • Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

    Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

  • What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders?

    The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected

  • How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

    When you take careful aim.

  • Why wasn't the patient concerned when she was told she had a brain tumor?

    The doctor said it was all in her head

  • Why do doctors hate Wolves?


  • Why did the library book go to the doctor?

    It needed to be checked out it had a bloated appendix.

  • Why did Patrick's girlfriend have to go to the doctor?

    She had a weast infection.

  • Why do computer teachers never get sick?

    Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

  • What did the doctor call his new metal band?


  • What did the doctor say to the lizard who was complaining about problems performing in the bedroom?

    It sounds like you have a reptile dysfunction.

  • Why did you arrest that doctor?

    Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

  • Why did the whale have to go see his doctor?

    His diet was krill-in him.

  • What did the router say to the doctor?

    It hurts when IP.

  • What type of doctor did Batman visit after Bane broke his back?

    A Chiroptopracter.

  • What did the doctor say to the man that broke his arm?

    Be patient

  • Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer?

    Because she wanted to get it off her chest.

  • What did the doctor say to the cancer patient?

    You have tumor months to live.

  • What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

    I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

  • Which side is it best to lie on?

    she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

  • What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called?

    A Game of Crohn's.

  • Why would The Doctor and Storm get along?

    Because he is the heart of the storm.

  • Why did the doctor go on a ski trip alone?

    He was part of doctors without boarders .

  • What did the doctor say to the strange beer that walked into his clinic?

    What ails you?

  • How did the doctor determine that the baby was affected by the Zika virus?

    It was a no brainer.

  • Why did a physician go to prison?

    His medical license was doctored.

  • What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant?

    Is it mine"?

  • What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone?

    An oncologist

  • What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

    TB or not TB, that is the question.

  • Who and Facebook?

    When the Doctor changes the timeline, it's usually for a good reason.

  • Why did the house go to the doctor?

    He was having window pains I'm sorry

  • What did Olivia Newton-John say to her doctor?

    Lets get physical!

  • What did the doctor say to the injured gingerbread man?

    Why don't you try icing it

  • Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?

    The tomato was in a can.

  • What is the worst type of doctor you can be?

    gynecologist - because in the hole that the whole world is looking for pleasure, he's looking for problems.

  • How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

    Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

  • How bad is it, Doctor?

    Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot

  • What do you call a Tungsten Holmium compound with a Doctorate?

    Doctor WHo

  • Why did the banana go to the doctor?

    He wasn't peeling very well. Credit to my four year old niece.

  • How much time do I have left, doctor?

    Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what ! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...

  • Why did the cat go to the doctors?

    Because it wasn't feline well

  • What does the doctor say to the woman who has to get a c section?

    There's not enough womb!

  • What did the doctor say to the prosecutor?

    You're trying my patients!

  • What kind of doctors are like spiders ?

    Spin doctors !

  • What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

    Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

  • What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?

    A doctor

  • Which doctor?

    I replied "No, a medical one."

  • What did the doctor give the Asari with an STD?


  • What's the difference between a doctor and God?

    God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.

  • Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach?

    A: Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.

  • What do you call someone who barely graduated from med school?


  • Why is an apple a Dalek's favourite fruit?

    Because it keeps the Doctor away!

  • What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

    Thank you for your patients.

  • Why can I never be a doctor?

    Because I don't have any patients

  • Why did the doctor kick his patients?

    He was trying to heel them.

  • What do you call a doctor for websites?

    A URLologist

  • What kind of doctor is always on call?

    An oncologist.

  • What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

    Suture self!

  • Why are there so many doctors in India?

    Because about 20 million people are Sikh.

  • Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals?

    Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away.

  • Why was the doctor in a hurry to move to the big city?

    He was running out of patients.

  • Why do asians got to the hospital after voting?

    Everyone knows that you should see a doctor for an erection that last longer than 4 hours.

  • How bad are they?

    Doctor: It depends, how old are you Patient: I will be 24 soon. Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

  • Why is a doctor always calm?

    He got a lot of patients

  • What does a duck say when it goes to the doctor?


  • What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?

    Doctors without boarders.

  • Why do you make more money?

    A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

  • Which Doctor would you like to see?

    Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.

  • How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

    I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

  • Why did the doctor make an old woman cry?

    He lost his patients

  • Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor?

    His resurrection lasted more than four hours.

  • How high is it Doctor?

    she wanted to know. 'One hundred and three' said the doctor. 'What is the world record '

  • What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee?

    Urine trouble!

  • How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?

    Because they both "practice" their professions.

  • What kind of doctor does a duck visit?

    A Ducktor.

  • How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

    Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

  • What do you call a person who got straight "D's" in medical school?

    A Doctor.

  • Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?

    Because the Doctor can never see him.

  • How long have you had this problem?

    the doctor asked. "Lest's see" said the patient "Mom had the litter in '41

  • What! why?

    The doctor says "So I can examine you"

  • What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman?

    The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample.

  • What's the worst part about going to the doctor's and finding out you have diabetes?

    You don't get a lollipop afterwards :/

  • Why was John Lennon shocked when he got his wife's gynecologist bill?

    He had misunderstood the doctor when he said "I do probe Ono."

  • What did the doctor say to the terminally ill deaf patient?

    Now, this may be difficult to hear..."

  • Why was the Doctor screaming angrily at his secretary?

    He ran out of patients.

  • What do you call two doctors with colds?

    An ironic paradox.

  • What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?

    Look ma, no hands!"

  • How did the explorer react when the which doctor turned him into a miniature ballsack?

    He was a little testie! Bump dump pshhh!

  • Why did Xmen's Cyclops go to the doctors?

    Because he needed laser eye surgery!

  • Why did Steve Jobs die too soon?

    Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

  • How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress?

    They have a lot of patients

  • How did the doctor know Muhammad Ali was dead?

    He never got up by the time he counted to 10 Edit: Phrasing

  • Whats the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

    How would I know, Im just a US Air Force Operator.

  • What's the prognosis, Doc?

    DOCTOR: You've got cancer. ME: WHAT ! DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I'm not a doctor.

  • What does the Doctor say on a one-night stand going wrong?

    It's bigger on the inside( v=6zXDo4dL7SU)

  • What did the gentleman say to the doctor when he went to get his pus drained?

    Please! I in cyst!

  • Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?

    Doctor Dolittle

  • What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to do his own surgery?

    Suture self!"

  • Why did the bee go to the doctor?

    Because he had hives Badum tsh

  • How's she now?

    Him: Are you sure you're a doctor Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.

  • What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion?

    A portion.

  • Why wouldn't the Doctor wait in line?

    He had no patients

  • Why, doc?

    And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"

  • What is the cost of plastic surgery?

    Doctor: It is near about 10,000$. Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic

  • What do you call a doctor who is trained in neurosurgery and is covering for a gynecologist?

    A pervert.

  • Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?

    He had a lot of aspirations.

  • Why did the doctor go the furniture store?

    Because he needed a stool sample.

  • What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's?

    A Doctor.

  • What happened to you?

    the doctor asks. "I stepped on something."

  • What did the pony say to the doctor when he had a sore throat?

    I'm a little hoarse.

  • What do you call a Doctor who received all 'D's in Medical School?


  • When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

    Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

  • Why was the doctor so stressed out?

    He lost his patients...

  • Why do doctors slap babies bums when then are born?

    Because the balls fall off of the stupid ones.

  • What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?


  • What do you call the doctor for dogs?


  • How much has this man had to drink?

    Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"

  • What kind of doctor never leaves the hospital?

    An Oncologist

  • Why did Steve Jobs decline chemotherapy?

    Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

  • What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?

    You're just going to have to be a little patient.

  • Why did the cookie visit the doctor?

    He was feeling a little crummy.

  • What did the doctor say when he saw two fetuses being too affectionate in public?

    Get a womb, you two."

  • What happened to you ?

    PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.

  • What do you call a black man with a MD?

    A doctor you racist.

  • What did the doctor say when he delivered a blonde-haired baby to an expecting Chinese couple?

    Two Wongs don't make a white

  • What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

    He removed the appendix!

  • When can you operate?

    lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

  • Why did the house go to the doctor?

    It was having window panes.

  • Why did the vampire go to the doctors?

    Because he was coffin...

  • Why did the broken window not go to the doctor?

    He had no more pane

  • What do you mean, 10?

    10 what Months Weeks !" Doctor: "Nine."

  • What do you call a Native American who graduated from medical school?

    A doctor you racist

  • What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?

    With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

  • Which country do doctors hate?


  • Why are doctors always calm?

    They have a lot of patients. Sorry.

  • What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride?


  • How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

  • What did the doctor say When a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable?

    what's tomato with you !

  • What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits?

    He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse.

  • Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?

    He had carpool tunnel

  • Why was the doctor stressed?

    He was losing his patients

  • What did one doctor say to the other doctor?

    We're both doctors"

  • What did the doctor say to the Mesothelioma patient?

    There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can!

  • Why is the Doctor an excellent chef?

    He's a Thyme Lord

  • What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

    When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"

  • Why doesn't Monica Lewinsky like going to the doctor?

    He always shoves a Bill down her throat!

  • What do you call a doctor who is always available?

    An oncallogist.

  • What do they call the doctor who released private health information after he got mad at his being given away?

    A Hipaacrite

  • Who knock knock joke Knock knock Who is it?

    Doctor.** Doctor who **YES**

  • What do you call a doctor who only swims with his t on?

    A Sturgeon

  • What did the doctor say to the Fonz when he got sick?

    You need to take your vitamin Ayy.

  • Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

    Because he didn't feel well.

  • What did the optimist say to his doctor when he found out he had lung cancer?

    Well, I'll deal with this asbestos I can!"

  • Why did the doctor lose his job?

    He lost his patience

  • What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

    Getting the news from your dentist

  • What did the doctor say when a Chinese baby with down syndrome was born?

    Congratulations, you have a healthy new baby!

  • Why couldn't The Doctor play baseball?

    They couldn't figure out Who was on first (Sorry, if this has been submitted before, im new here)

  • Why does Hannibal Lecter skin his colleagues?

    He enjoys the taste of Doctors Without Borders.

  • What did the doctor say to the domestic abuse victim?

    See you next "fall".

  • What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble?

    Doctors without Borders. Credit to Max Scoville.

  • What does the doctor say after colonoscopy?

    See ewwww later!

  • What a BLONDE will ask the doctor in the maternity ward?

    A: "Is it mine "

  • When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that?

    Now it would be for the prescriptions.

  • How much longer do I have doc?

    Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what " Doctor: "Nine..."

  • Why did the clown go to the doctor?

    Because he was feeling a little funny. He had testicular cancer.

  • What on Earth happened?

    The doctor said, surprised. "I don't know, it started with a boil on my arse." the frog said.

  • What do you call two doctors with the same career?

    Pair of medics.

  • What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?


  • Why did my husband die?

    Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

  • Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?

    Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

  • What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal?

    A doctor.

  • What did the doctor say to the man wearing cling-film?

    I can clearly see you're nuts

  • Why was the doctor forced to leave work early?

    The hospital ran all out of patience

  • Why was the doctor annoyed?

    Because he didn't have any patients.

  • What did one tonsil say to the other?

    Get dressed a doctor is taking us out to night.

  • What did the doctor say to the airplane that has canser?

    It's terminal.