Dog Jokes
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What do you call a dyslexic insomniac philosopher?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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Why don't blind people like skydiving?
Scares their dogs.
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs?
Dragon balls!
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How do you change a cat into a dog?
Soak it in gasoline, hold a match up to it, and "woof!"
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What's updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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What's next - people marrying dogs?
nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend
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What do you say to a black guy after washing his dog?
Yo dawg I washed yo dog.
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What kind of soda do dogs drink?
Barq's Root Beer.
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Whats the Difference between an Atheist, a Christian and a Dog?
DogMa
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What do you get if you play a C&?
W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.
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What's the difference between a dog barking at the front door and a woman screaming at the back door?
If you let the dog in, it will shut up.
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What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
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What breed of dog is the most depressing...?
A melancholy.
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Why are you showing me photos?
I'm a dog."
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What's the difference between frat guys and dogs?
A dog has a better understanding of no.
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Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?
The tomato was in a can.
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Why were the vets and pounds mad?
It was raining cats and dogs
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What kind of dog suffers most from being inbred?
A hot dog
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What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him?
Bit him naturally.
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How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?
Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.
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Why did they give a megaphone to the dog who couldn't climb a tree?
Because he couldn't bark
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Why'd the dog cross the road?
Cause he's a dog.
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?
Sparky
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What do a teenage boy and a dog have in common?
They both want to bury their bone.
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What do you call a dog in a bun?
A subwoofer.
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What's the difference between a dog?
One of his legs is the same.
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What's the best way to knock out a dog?
with a woofie.
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What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud hound !
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What's the difference between a dog and Windows 10?
A dog knows what is 'no'.
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Why did the dog go to the hospital?
He was feeling ruff.
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What do they call a dog in Iraq?
A Shia pet. *friend of mine came up with this and was pretty proud of himself
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What do you call a dog that can find something that's not there?
A Labracadabrador
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What says "Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark!" ?
A dog with a hair lip
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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What's gray and all around?
Everything. I'm a dog.
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What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog?
Stupid.
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Why does the dog go to the gym?
He wants to get ruff
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What did Helen Keller call her dog?
ltsmashes keyboard>
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How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter?
Don't worry, they'll let you know.
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What's the name of a Korean cook book?
150 ways to wok your dog
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What does a dog from Minnesota say?
Woof da.
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Why did the dog roll down the hill?
It didn t have any legs.
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What does a dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac think about at night?
Is there really a dog. Dog lover joke.
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Where can you leave your dog when you shop?
The barking lot.
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How do you make a dog say meow?
How do you make a dog say meow? Put it in the freezer, then get a chainsaw and cut it. MEEEEEEEOOOWWW!!
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What's ur biggst fear?
Child1: Ghosts! Child2: Dogs! Child3: That humanity's core reaction to misunderstanding is anger
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Which dog is always without a tail?
A hot dog.
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What did the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
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What does a dog get at the vet?
FIXED
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How do you call a dog without legs?
you don't you go and grab him
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What do you call a dog in a diving bell?
A sub-woofer
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What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog
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What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
The wrong answer.
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Why did the mathematician call his dog Cauchy?
Because he left a residue at every pole.
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How do you make a cat bark like a dog?
Cover it in lighter fluid and throw a match at it: "WOOF!"
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Why was a blind man's leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.
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What is worse than raining cats and dogs ?
Raining elephants !
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Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares their dogs too much
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
Sparky
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Why are dogs always SENSITIVE?
Because they have tears in their eyes
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How can you tell a dog from a tomato?
The tomato is red.
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What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any kind, buildings can't jump.
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Where did the dog find her husband?
At the Groomers!
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Which do you let in first?
Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.
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What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A dog who can lick himself from across the room
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What breed of dog loves to take a bath?
A shampoodle
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How do you call a dog that likes to be on the Internet?
A Labragoogle.
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How do you call a dog with no legs ?
You don't call it, you pick it up.
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What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio ?
Collie-wood !
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How can you tell that your dog just gave birth?
It is now a parent.
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What does a dyslexic Christian worship?
Dog
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What's the difference between a wife and a dog?
The later you get home, the happier one is to see you
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Why Does Paris Hilton Have a Chihuahua?
Cause she doesn't want a Dog thats more intelligent than her!
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Why does everyone love Plato?
Because he loved Dogs and he had two sons named Plato and Socrates
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Why did the dog sleep on the chandelier?
Because he was a light sleeper.
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What did the red dog say to the blue dog?
Nothing, dogs can't speak.
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How did your blind date go?
Bit of a disaster really, our guide Dogs started Fighting
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What personal space?
My dog
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What did the dog say to the two trees?
Bark bark.
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How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
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What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
9/11
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Why do dogs run in circles ?
Because its hard to run in squares !
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Where's the dog?
flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.
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What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour?
A double crosser.
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What kind of dog doesnt bark?
A hot dog
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What did the dog say after it slid across some sandpaper?
Ruff.
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Why dogs are called K9?
Because cats are K10
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Why did the dog bark?
because its a dog
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Why did the dog sit in the shade?
It didn't want to be a hotdog. *ba dum tsss *ba dum tish idk
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Why did the dog keep dropping his ball?
He had barkinsons disease.
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Why did the dog jump into the sea?
He wanted to chase the catfish!
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What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog
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Why did the dog scratch itself against the tree?
Ruff Bark
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What's the difference between the dog and the fox?
About four beers
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What's worse than getting AIDs?
Having to find out that your dog has AIDs too.
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Why didn't you answer your home phone?
Because I'm walking the dog. Don't you trust me -Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
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What do you call a insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!
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Where does a dog go to buy shoes?
Reebark
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What dog is always tired in London?
An English sleep dog.
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What do you call a Korean with a dog?
vegetarian. For the record, I'm Korean and have a dog haha.
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Why does the zoo only have dogs?
Because they shot the gorilla
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What do you call a submissive who likes to bark like a dog?
A subwoofer.
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What type of dog suffers from being inbred?
A hotdog
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What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?
Hula the dogs out?
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Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog is also blind
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What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
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What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde ?
A jet setter !
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Who, dad?
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
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What's the top selling book of all time in Korea?
101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
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What's the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?
The man wears a full suit, the dog just pants
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Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle. (X-post from r/dadjokes)
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How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?
Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?
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What do you get when you cross a dog with an amplifier?
A subwoofer.
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What did the dog say to the tree?
Bark
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What type of dog did the tweaker have?
A pure bred meth lab.
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How can you tell a dog from an elephant?
The elephant remembers.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.
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What kind of dog is the quietest?
A "shhh"nauzer
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How do you walk a dog with no legs?
You don't, you pick it up.
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Why can't dogs play hockey?
They always get called for roughing.
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What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement?
A: Sparky.
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What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated?
A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?
Some one who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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Why Chinese vet never hungry?
Dog have rice.
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Why don't cannibals have dogs?
Because you're not supposed to feed them people food.
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What did the Korean family call their dog?
Stu
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What's it called when a dog burns down a building?
Arfson
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What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?
Their owner.
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What do you call an asian walking a dog?
A vegetarian.
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Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one?
A retail store.
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Why did the dog say he was an actor?
His leg was in a cast.
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What does a plankton name its dog?
Phyto.
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What do you get when you mix tea and a dogs name?
A dinosaur! Ha ha get it Tea-rex Hahaha...
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What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A wet nose.
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Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
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What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...
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Why do dogs lick their balls ?
Because they can.
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What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street?
Five after one.
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What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments?
Labs!
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What did one flea say to the other after a night out ?
Shall we walk home or take a dog
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How do you know when your dog is a bad hot dog?
When it's pure bread.
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What's up dog?
Dad: Just chilling homie, what's up with you!
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What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?
Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.
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What has two legs and bleeds?
Half of your dog...I hit it with my car.
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How do you stop a dog from barking in July?
Shoot him in June.
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What do you get when you combine a watch with a dog?
An eternally suffering abomination...YOU MONSTER!
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods ?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
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What do you call a zoo that only has dogs?
A Shih Tzu
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What do you call a dog in the library?
A hush puppy.
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Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s?
He puts down the three and carries the one.
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How do you know when it is raining cats and dogs?
There are poodles everywhere!
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Wheres my dog gone?
Dead in the trash
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What's the best drink for a dog?
An old faschund.
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How can a dog afford to go to college?
Furnancial Aid
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and agnostic?
Someone who stays up wondering if there is a dog.
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What do you get if you mix up together an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
A guy who is up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What is a store for dogs called?
A Superbarket
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Why did the dog die?
It had Barkinsons
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How did the dog warn its master that a Gorilla was approaching?
He barked g-r-r-r-illa!
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When is a dog not a dog?
When it is pure bread. Told to me by a friend.
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How is she now ?
She's fine. But the dog died.
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Why did the dog go to the vets?
He was pawly. I'm sorry. I'll see myself out.
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What do you call a Chinese man allergic to dogs?
Starving.
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What do you get when you mix an Insomniac a Dyslexic and an Agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog
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What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
Stays up all night pondering the existence of a dog
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What does a dog like to wear when it's exercising?
Pants.
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Where does a dog go when his tail falls off?
The retail store
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Why did the dog cross the road?
A: Because it was the chickens day off.
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What did the Dog say to the Chipmunk?
Woof.
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How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn't easy
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Why did the blind man walk into a wall?
Somebody shot his dog
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What has 4 legs and isn't alive?
It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this ! No Jimmy, it's your dog...
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What's the difference between a fox and a dog?
About 7 beers.
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How do you stop your dog digging holes in your garden?
By hiding the shovel in the shed/garage
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What did the dog do with the history professor?
They got together and talked over old times.
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Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it's harder to run in squares.
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What does a dyslexic agnostic wonder about?
Is there a dog?
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What do a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?
They both have wet noses.
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Why did it have to be the dog?
I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
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How do you send a dog to space?
Laika boss.
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Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?
There were too many vets.
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What did the dog say to the fireman?
The roof is on fire.
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How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your back yard.
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What's the similarity between a dog and a bulldozer?
Neither one is a squirrel.
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Why are you ordering so many drinks?
The dog responds, "I've had a ruff day."
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What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks
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When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?
When it's raining cats and dogs !
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Why are there so many dogs at the pound?
Because no one wants them.
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What type of dog is always amazed?
A Chi-WOW!-ua
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What do you call a dog on the beach?
Sandy Claws Merry Christmas
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What's a dogs favourite day?
Chewsday
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What kind of dog did the sad cantaloupe get?
A melon collie!
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Whats the difference between a woman and a dog?
Put them both in the trunk of your car, drive around the block, and see which ones happy to see you afterwards.
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What happens if you play a country song backward?
You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.
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Why couldn't the cat speak?
A: The dog taped his mouth.
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What do you get when... ...you cross a religious skeptic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac?
A person who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog ?
A croaker spaniel !
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What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.
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What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog
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What is the difference between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.
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Why are dogs bad at poker?
Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament Because he's a Doberman.
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What has four legs but isn't alive?
The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"
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How does a Korean walk a dog?
With a little bit of oil.
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What did Adele say when asked where her dog is?
Groomer has it
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How are books like dogs?
The good ones are hard to put down
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What do you get when you mix a dog and a tulip?
A collieflower
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What do you call a dog that goes through your stuff?
Snoop dog.
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What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper?
Ruff
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What did the dog say when he bit the sandpaper?
Nothing. He just grit his teeth.
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How do you keep your dog young for longer?
Terrible OC Keep them stored in some quality... pupperware!
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What do you get when you cross a border collie with a pit bull?
A dog that is smart enough to bury the bodies.
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What did Hellen Keller name her dog?
Naaaaagggghhhhhhh.
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Why is a dog like a baseball player?
He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
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Where do dogs park their cars?
In barkinglots.
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What do you call a dog that can walk on its hind legs all the time?
A human.
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How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five Me: There's something wrong with your counting. 4: There's something wrong with the dog.
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How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?
Delighted.
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What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?
A retail store.
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When does a dog go "moo" ?
When it is learning a new language !
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
He stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What has four legs but doesn't move?
A: A statue of a dog!
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What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?
Is there a dog?
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How do you stop a dog smelling ?
Put a peg on it's nose !
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Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?
Because the captain stood on the deck.
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Why do most blind folks not skydive?
The sound of the dog screaming at 8000 feet gets to you after a while.
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How does a dog play Hendrix on guitar?
With a chihuahua pedal.
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How do you make a dog go meow?
Freeze it and run it through a bandsaw. MEEEOWW!!
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What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?
You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...
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How do dogs do business?
Pro-bono
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Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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What do you call a dog that goes to the beach?
Ballroom blitz
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What does a dog do that a man steps in?
Pants
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What do you call a dog subbing for a music teacher?
A subwoofer.
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Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To a retail store.
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What kind of dog should you get a spanish speaker?
A spaniel.
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Why don't dogs make good dancers ?
Because they have two left feet !
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What kind of dog is best at keeping secrets?
hush puppies
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What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick?
You should know more than your dog.
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How much for that dog?
300$" "What about the half " "I'm sorry, we only sell complete dogs."
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What goes "krab krab krab"?
A: A dog barking in a mirror.
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What's the difference between Sammy and Scooby-Doo?
Scooby-Doo doesn't have a dog.
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What did the dog say to the man?
Nothing stupid, dogs don't talk.
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Why did the dog go into the water?
Because he didn't want to be a hot dog.
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What do you call a dog riding in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
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What do you name a dog with no legs?
Cigarette" because you take him out for a drag.
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How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?
Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?
You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
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Why are dogs always thirsty?
Because water fountains were designed for humans! HEYOOOOOOO
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What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah ?
A dog that chases cars - and catches them !
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What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole ?
A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree !
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What do you call a dog that is a magician?
A Labara Cadabarador
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What did the baker name her dog?
Pido.
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What do dogs have that no other animal has ?
Puppy dogs !
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Why did the dog lose the lawsuit?
It was a shih-tzu
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How's your day Dog ?
Rough...
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What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: It stole the show!
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How did the dog make gold soup?
He put in 24 carrots.
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What did the dog bring to party?
Wooffies!
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Why did the dog run into the corner every time the door bell rang?
because he is a Boxer
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What do Asians meeting up at their favorite Chinese take-out say?
Where my dogs at "
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What do you call a dog with a stain on his fur?
Spot. What do you call a dog who lays on a golf course Ruff. What do you call a dog who just got run over Rhody.
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What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?
Sparky
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What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies?
A: Should we walk home or take a dog
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What side of the dog has the most fur?
A: The Outside.
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When Pavlov was done with his experiments what did he do with his dogs?
Donate them to the salivation army I'llseemyselfout
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Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he's a dog. Dogs cannot drive.
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What do you call a dog that is also a magician?
A Labracadabrador.
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What do you call a dog wearing headphones?
Ear bud
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Why are dogs bad at dancing?
They have two left feet
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What time is it when twenty dogs and one cat get together?
20 after 1.
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What kind of Dog does Homer Simpson have?
A DOH-berman!
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Why don't blind people like to skydive?
Because it scares the dog.
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What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick?
A docs-hund!
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What was the dog doing on the turnpike?
About seven miles an hour.
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what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and stainless steel testicles?
Sparky.
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Where do you usually find dogs?
It all depends on where you lose them.
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What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates?
God dogs
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
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How do dogs save for retirement?
With a Ruff IRA.
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What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs?
You take him for a drag.
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What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal?
Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.
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Why was the mother flea so unhappy?
All her children had gone to the dogs.
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How many times are you going to lick my nose in your lifetime?
Dog:
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What do you call a dog with no legs and metal balls?
Sparky.
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Why was the dog shaking?
He had Barkinson's
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What does a dog do when it loses it's tail?
Goes to a retail store to find another one.
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What did the vet say to the dog he just castrated?
No hard feelings.
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Why dont blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
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What did the dog say to the pig?
You are such a bore."
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up at night, wondering if there's a dog.
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What does one dog say to the other when he just broke up with his girl friend?
Go and retrieve her!
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What do you call a wolf with Stockholm Syndrome?
A Dog.
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What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer
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How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it?
Decepticondoms.
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How many feet are in a yard?
4 if you have a dog.
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What pets think about their owners?
A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic who has insomnia?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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What did the dog say after stepping off a sailboat?
Wharf!
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What did the Native American say when his dog fell of the cliff?
Dog gone!
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What do you call a menagerie of dogs with overactive bowels?
A Shih Tzu.
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What the difference between... a dead dog in the road and a dead Frenchman in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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What is the difference between walking a dog in America and China?
The spelling.
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What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog?
Out, out, damned Spot!
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What kind of potato chips do dogs like best?
RUFFles
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Why is it bad for blind people to skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog
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Why did the man cry when he was cutting up onions?
Onions" was his dog... D:
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What type of dog leaves a mark?
shar pei
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What do you call a dog in a sub?
A subwoofer! Now again: What do you call a dog in a sub? Chinese food!
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How many dogs does it take to count 14 plates?
14, maybe 15, but only if the plates ... 'run around a lot!'
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Why did the dog go into the church?
The doors were open.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac?
A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.
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What does an agnostic man with insomnia and dyslexia do in his free time?
He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
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What do a telephone and a dog have in common?
They both have collar ID.
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Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
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How many dogs does it take to change a tampon?
26
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What do you call a group of dogs?
a PAW-se
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Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War ?
Robert E Flea !
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What does a dog do that you step in?
Pants.
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What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog ?
A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
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Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in the sky!
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What do you call a dog wearing a watch?
You would call it a dog. A dog wearing a watch is not a watchdog.
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How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy?
He used conditioner on them.
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What do you get when if you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?
A Chihuahua because it knows all the shortcuts!
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What's your emer- DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN'T FIND IT DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW'D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME
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What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky
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What is the difference between a dog and a cat?
Kevin still doesn't know.
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What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals ?
A guard dog !
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What if I color on you?
What if I run a truck along your back Steal your toy Throw a ball Spit food at you - My toddler, wooing the dog
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Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Some guy sitting up all night wondering if there really is a dog
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a dog.
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Why did the cat befriend the dog?
Because the dog let the cat out of the bag! Haha!
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What is worse than a dog howling at the moon?
Two dogs howling at the moon.
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How are dogs and addicts similar?
They both have PAWS
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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What kind of dog can tell time?
A clockshund!
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What do you call a dog from another planet?
A dal-martian
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What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of?
A Doberman puncher!
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?
He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
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Why didn't Pope John Paul let dogs into the Vatican?
Because they pee on poles.
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What do you call a dog who digs for bones?
A Bark-aeologist
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Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can't curve his paw into a little fist
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What did Beethoven the dog shed in a moment of genius?
Fur Elise
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Where do dogs go when they lose their tail?
The retail store.
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What kind of dog does Sauron have?
A La-Barad-dr
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What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper?
Ruff!
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Why does a dog on a U-boat have a deep bark?
Because he's a sub woofer.
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What kind of dogs are full of Chinese scientists?
Yellow labs
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How do dogs like their eggs cooked?
Pooched.
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)
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How did the dog make anti-freeze?
He stole her blanket.
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Whats the difference between an environmentalist and a dog sitting in the rain?
eventually the dog sitting in the rain will stop whinging.
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Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.
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What do you call a dog that likes Mexican food?
A Qdoberman!!!!!!!!!!
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Why do dogs wag their tails ?
Because no one else will do it for them !"
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What did the dog take when he was run down?
The license number of the car that hit him.
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What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !
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How did Steve get the clues?
Blew the dog
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, agnostic and an insomniac?
A person who stays up all night contemplating the existence of dog.
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Why do dogs make good sailors?
They know their knots.
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What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?
A Fermilabrador Retriever.
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Why did the dog feel insecure in her bathing suit?
She was a little husky.
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What kind of dog is the most colorful?
A paint Bernard!
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What dog would you want on your American football team?
A golden receiver!
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What do you call a pile of dogs?
A ruff terrain.
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What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up?
A dog.
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What do you call a dog with lice in China?
Full course dinner
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What does a Korean need when they're taking their dog out?
Oven gloves.
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What Do You Call A Dog With Wings?
Linda McCartney
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What do you get if you play a C&W song backwards?
Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.
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What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
Snoop Dogg.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do with most of his time?
Stay up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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Where do dogs shop for groceries?
Wagmans.
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Why do dogs hate outer space?
Because they strongly dislike vacuums.
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What do you call the doctor for dogs?
Dogtor
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How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?
He used a skeleton key.
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What is she?
Me: A dog. Duh. Neighbor...
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Why are dogs and engineers alike ?
They both have intelligent eyes, but neither can talk properly.
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What did the dog say to the vet that just castrated him?
No hard feelings.
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How do you make a Cat sound like a Dog?
You pour some gasoline on it, light it on fire and it will go
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What did the dog say to the other dog at the party?
Raise the woof!
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Why are dogs such terrible dancers?
They have two left feet.
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What kind of dog can you best see in the dark?
A glowberman pinscher!
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Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
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What dog can tell the time ?
A watch dog !
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What do you call a dog with no legs in the ocean?
Bob Barker
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Why don't my dog and my cat get along?
She's a Re-puppy-can and he's a Demo-cat!
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Why do dogs lick each other?
Because they can't make a fist.
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What do you call a dog who digs up ancient artifacts?
A Barkeologist.
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What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?
Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.
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What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic?
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out?
Oven mitts.
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What's the difference between a priest and his dog?
One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.
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What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep ?
A sheep that can round itself up !
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What's the difference between a dog and a cyclist?
When you run over a dog you don't have to go back and get the GoPro.
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What's your dog's name?
Icebreaker.
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Where do Eskimos train their dogs ?
In the mush room !
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Why is K-9 another term for a dog?
Because if it was a cat, it would be a K-10.
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Why were the Chinese trying to light a bbq grill out in the rain?
Because it was raining cats and dogs. :D
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is dog.
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Why did the dog chase the bulldozer?
It doesn't like Cats.
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Why did the Russians send a dog to space to die?
Because they didn't Lajka.
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What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road ?
A mutt in a rut !
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What do you call a dog with a lot of friends?
Pawpular!
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What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 20 beers!!
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What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac spend his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Why do we call dogs, K-9?
because K-10 is for cats.
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What do Koreans need when they take out the dog?
Oven mitts
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What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?
Carpet bombing.
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How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
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Why was the dog so depressed?
He was having a hard time looking up.
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What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !!
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What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
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How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car?
Put him in the front.
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How do Chinese people know what to name their children?
After the last dog they just ate.
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Why do we say dogs are man's best friend? Why not say dogs are man's and woman's best friend?
Because diamonds are a woman's best friend.
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What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation?
Where my dogs at?
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What is the name of a dog with no legs and metal balls?
Sparky
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Why did the dog run in circles?
He was a watchdog and needed winding.
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What's the wrong way to feed the cat?
to the dog.
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What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise ?
A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper !
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How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?
Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"
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What did the dog say when he chased his tail?
This is the end.
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What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle?
Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.
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What do nature and dogs have in common?
They both abhor a vacuum.
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What do you get... ... when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and and agnostic?
Answer(/s "Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog")
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How do you sell a dog to someone hard of hearing?
Get really close to their ear and shout, "DO YOU WANNA BUY A DOG "
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What car do dogs drive?
A Doge charger
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What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it's 100 degrees outside?
A hot dog.
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What did 15 of my former dogs and the intruder have in common?
They were delicious.
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How do you teach your dog to roll over ?
Put him on fire.
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What kind of papers do dogs write?
A ruff draft.
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What did Helen Keller name her dog?
akjnveoajknoea
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What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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How do you make a cat sounds like a dog?
Douse it in gasoline and set it on fire. !
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Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.
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What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?
Yankee poodle!
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Why does a dog wag it's tail?
A: No one else will do it for them
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What kind of dog is this?
Well actu.." "Hes cute" *pets it* "Sir thats my.." *picks it up* "Your a good dog arent you " "PUT MY SON DOWN"
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What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog?
A hen that lays pooched eggs.
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What diagnosis did the veterinarian give to the dog with the funny walk?
The dog has cerebral pawlsy.
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What does an agnostic ... dyslexic insomniac do at night?
He lays awake and wonders if there really is a dog.
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Which dog looks like a cat?
A police dog in disguise.
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What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
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Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ?
Because you can't bury them in trees !
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What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement?
A 401(K-9).
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Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?
Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
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What does the aardvark call his dog?
Aard-bark!
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Why did the dog sleep so poorly?
By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
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What kind of dog can turn on your car?
Yorkies
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What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?
A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW
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Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?
Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
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What do you get when you mix a Dog and a Rhino?
How would Rhino?
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?
Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
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Why are dogs in a lot of pain?
Because they chew balls.
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What kind of dog do IT people prefer?
A Dobie
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Why are they arresting that dog?
What did he do ! ' --my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car
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Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: bleeding profusely So... not a dog
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What do you call a dog with an amputated leg?
Yard stick.
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What did one dog say to the other dog?
I like "Hot Dogs".
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What did the dog say before he died?
Well I'll be dog-gone.
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What do you say when a dog runs away?
Dog-gone!
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What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador
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When George Washington was a general why did he like to have dogs around?
They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
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Whats the difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
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How does a blonde call for her dog?
She puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "Max!".
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What does a dog see in the mirror?
A chair
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What do you get when you're agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?
You stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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What did the boy say when his dog died?
What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.
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What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection?
A pointer!
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Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road and a dead lawyer on the side of the road?
There are skidmarks before the dog.
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Why is a dog so warm in Summer?
He wears a coat and pants.
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What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle?
You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."
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What does a dog have in common with a near-sighted gynecologist?
They both have wet noses.
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What do you call a dog who digs up dinosaur bones?
A Barkaeologist.
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What did Shakespeare say when his dog messed up the carpet?
Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"*
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What kind of dog is a person's best friend?
A palmatian!
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What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian?
A spot-weiler!
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What dog can jump higher than a building?
Anydog, buildings can't jump!
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What do you call a dog that can't hear?
Doesn't matter much, does it
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What's the smelliest breed of dog?
A poo-dle
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What do you call a dog without front legs?
Chester.
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Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ?
Cats can't drive !
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What has four legs and isn't alive?
Son: "nice try, a chair!" Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."
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What kind of dog always needs a shave?
A bearded collie!
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What dog is the worst at polishing a turd?
A poodull
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?
Sparky.
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What do you call a dog with iron balls?
Sparky.
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Which dog can tell time?
A watchdog.
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Why'd the dog sit in the shade?
He didn't want to be a hot dog!
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What do you get if you cross a dog with a sniper rifle and a car?
A !
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Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person?
He doesn't believe in dog.
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What do you call a dog that is underwater?
A sub-woofer! Thank you, I'll be here all day.
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How can you tell a dog is a cool dog?
It swags its tail.
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What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic ?
His bark was much worse than it's bite !
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What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia?
You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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When is a dog most impolite?
When he points.
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What's the only type of dog that doesn't bark?
A dogfish!
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Why did the dog wear white sneakers ?
Because his boots were at the menders !
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What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
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Why was the dog banned from the redwood forest?
He was barking up the wrong tree.
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Where'd you get the pig"?
Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!" Man: "I was talking to the dog!"
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What do you call a little girl who's very close to her dog?
Nina
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What is the medical term for owning too many dogs?
A rover-dose
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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
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What does Helen Keller call her dog?
Nothing. She's dead.
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What do all dogs get with their phones?
Collar ID
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What dog do other dogs tell their problems to?
A complaint Bernard!
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Why do dogs chase their tails?
A: They want to make ends meet.
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What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags it's tail, while the other tags a whale
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What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle?
A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.
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What dogs never get lost?
Newfound-lands!
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How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house?
The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to get out of the driveway.
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What do you call a prosthetic arm for a dog?
Faux paw.
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What separates dogs and Mexicans?
The Mexican said, "A border".
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What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furrycanine
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What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
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Why didn't the internit get any e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
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Why did the dog go to the funeral?
Because he was a paw bearer.
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What do you call a dog with no legs and balls of steal?
Sparkie.
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What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it
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Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk
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What do you call a dog who got re-elected for mayor?
A dog with pawlitical experience.
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Why didn't the dog want to go into outer space?
Because he was scared of vacuums!
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Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 8 pints
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Why don't blind people go sky diving?
It freaks out the dogs!
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What did the dog use to make his kite?
Flypaper.