Duck Jokes
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What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework ?
A firequaker !
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Why shouldn't you invite a duck to go out drinking?
Because it would be a party fowl.
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What do you call a crate of ducks ?
A box of quackers !
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
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Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
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What are you on?
I said to him. "Quack" said the duck.
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Why did the duck get kicked out of church?
Because he was using fowl language!
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What kind of drugs do ducks use?
Quack.
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Which duck will destroy the establishment?
None, ducks are not allowed in politics.
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What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
One goes quick and the other goes quack!
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What does a duck like to have for breakfast?
Quacker Oats
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Why did the duck leave the dancefloor?
He didn't want to get down on it.
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What do you get when you cross a duck and a fire work?
A firequacker
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How do ducks pay off loans?
With their bills!
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What does a duck and a bicycle have in common?
They both have handlebars. Well, except for the duck.
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Why don't ducks have teeth?
Too much quack.
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Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?
He wanted to have webbed feet.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?
Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
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Why can ducks fly so well?
They're high on quack.
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What does a noise musician order at a Chinese restaurant?
Peaking duck!
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Why did the duck go into Rehab?
Because he was a quack head
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Why did the duck go to rehab?
Because he was a quack addict!
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What do you call a duck that's a drug addict?
A quack-head.
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What did the duck say to the policeman?
Quack
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What is the difference between a dancer and a duck?
One goes quick on her beautiful legs the other goes quack on her beautiful legs.
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What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill
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Why did the duck cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
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Why did the duck cross the road?
To get some quack
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What is a joke that only makes sense in your own regional dialect/accent?
Sorry for a post that's not a joke but I'm interested. Here's one from where I am. These two ducks are flying over Ballymena. The first one says, "quack quack" and the second one says, "slow down! I'm coming as quack as I cyan."
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What was the only thing missing from phil hughes' last innings?
a duck
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What's the only animal that can't get hit in the head?
Duck.
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What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north?
A pair of ducks.
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Why did the duck get a red card?
For fowl play.
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What do you call a duck that gets all A's?
A wise quacker.
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What do you call a duck being kidnapped?
An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.
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What do you do when a bird attacks you?
Duck.
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What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a duck?
A firequacker.
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Why do ducks make the best detectives?
They always quack the case
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Why doesn't a duck wear underwear?
Because their pecker's on their face.
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What does a duck put in its burrito?
Quackamole.
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Why did the duck go to the basketball game?
He heard the ref was blowing fouls!
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When do you use duct tape on a duck?
When he's quacked.
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What's the difference between a duck?
One leg is both the same.
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What do you call a duck on a rampage?
Amok
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Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck?
Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
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Why are ducks always sad?
Because of their bills
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Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
To stamp out forest fires !
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Why were the ducks arrested?
They were selling quack in the park.
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What did the Secret Service agent say to the President-elect when someone tried to take a shot at him?
Donald, Duck!
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How do you get down?
A: Pluck a duck.
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What did Anne Frank say when she threw a ball at the water fowl's head?
Duck!
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Why is a duck when it's round?
Because the farther it flies, the fewer.
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Why couldn't the duck stop smoking?
Because he was a quack addict
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Why your fingers have spaces in between?
nothing!why? would you like it to be very close to each other. You're not a duck!
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What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?
Ducks like a quack.
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What mouse has two legs?
Mickey Mouse. What duck has two legs
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What do you get when you send a duck backwards in time to the moment before you sent the duck?
A Pair-a-ducks.
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What kind of drugs do ducks take?
The snort quack.
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What can a lawyer do that a duck can't?
Stick his bill up his arse.
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What do you have when you have a cow and two ducks?
A: Milk and quackers.
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Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
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What did the parrot say when he saw a duck?
Polly want a quacker!
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What do you call a part gopher, part duck, and part you?
A Gophuckyourself.
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What do you get when you cross Christmas and a Duck?
A Christmas-Quacker!
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Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face?
Because they're always footing the bill.
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Why are ducks funny?
Cause they be quacking jokes
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What do you call a duck that does drugs?
A quack head!
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Why can't ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Cause they would quack up.
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How do you get down from a horse?
You don't. You get down from a duck.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
A: Because Donald ducked.
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What does a duck say when it goes to the doctor?
Quack
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What do you call a duck addicted to crack?
A quack head. What is a ducks favorite snack Quackers. Why couldn't the duck drive his car His windshield was quacked.
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What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?
He became a quack head
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How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
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What did the duck say to the cashier after buying some red lipstick?
Just put it on my bill
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Why do ducks nod their head when they walk?
They're listening to duckstep!
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How do you know if a Polak is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
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Why did the duck cross the basketball court?
He heard the referees were blowing fouls... -Jim Norton
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What did the duck say to the avacado?
guac guac
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What goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water?
An egg in a duck.
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How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven at three fifty tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers. Edit:summoning happened.
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How do ducks fly high?
They use quack!
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How do you get down from an aerial ladder?
A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.
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What's your emergency, sir?
Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being- 911: Please don't do this, sir M: AbDUCKted! 911: *hangs up*
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When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
A: There are more ducks on that side.
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What do you get when you cross a duck and a cat?
A Chinese restaurant's newest entree!
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Why do ducks have flat webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
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Why do ducks have flat feet?
So they can stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? So they can stamp out flaming ducks.
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How do you make an idiot think he's a duck?
Tell him he's a duck.
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What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
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Why does duck taste better than turkey?
Because turkey is just poultry in comparison.
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Why did the duck go to jail?
A: He was selling quack.
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What did Buddy Fletcher, accused ponzi scheme runner and husband of reddit's CEO, say to the duck?
deleted
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What do ducks get hooked on?
Quack
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What did the chicken say to the duck who was about to cross the road?
Don't do it, man, you'll never hear the end of it!"
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How can you tell if a duck has soul?
If it's bill withers!
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What do you call an appetizer made with duck?
Pregame.
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Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask?
You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
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What do ducks use to get high?
Quack cocaine
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What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A bird that lays down !
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What did one duck say to the other?
Quack!
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What kind of water do ducks drink?
Bottled Waddle.
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What did the duck say after it split the atom ?
Quark ! Quark !
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How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.
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What does a Fire cracker and a duck have in common?
They both Quackle!
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How many ducks would there be if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks two ducks between two ducks and two ducks behind two ducks?
Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
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What's the difference between a duck and a curling iron?
A duck is a carbon-based life form while a curling iron is an inanimate appliance
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Why do NBA players like poultry?
Because they love to slam duck!
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How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer?
Stick it in microwave and turn it on until it's Bill Withers.
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What does a duck call a tractor?
A Quakter
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What do ducks do at Christmas time?
They Duckerate cookies. ...lol...
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What's the difference between Turkey and Duck?
Duck doesn't deny the Armenian Genocide.
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How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond?
Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.
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What happens when ducks fly upside down??
They quack up
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What do you call joke told by a duck?
A wise quack.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.
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How do you get down off a horse?
You don't, you get down off a duck.
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How do you get down off of an elephant?
You don't, you get down off of a duck.
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What did the mallard yell in the drive-by shooting?
Duck!!!
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What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu?
One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!
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What does the ducks in Cern say?
Quark Quark
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What type of drugs do ducks use?
What type of drugs to ducks use? Quack cocaine.
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What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?
A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
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Why did the Duck flying in the sky get Shot?
Michael J Fox was hunting rabbits.
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What do you get if you cross a duck with an avocado?
Quackamole
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What did Alyssa the duck say to Henry the beaver?
Quack quack!
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Why did Mickey Mouse get shot in the foxhole?
Because Donald ducked.
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What kind of beast is it you hear?
A duck. ... with hiccups.
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How does a duck pay for lipstick?
She puts it on her bill
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Why did the duck leave his flock?
Because he wanted to be a-loone.
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What do you call a duck that likes to steal?
A Robber Ducky!
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Why did the duck get arrested?
because he was smoking quack!