Earth Jokes

  • What did the asteroid say when his trajectory missed earth?

    I guess I didn't plan it very well!"

  • Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

    Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

  • What did the worm say to the other when he was late home ?

    Where in earth have you been !

  • Who are the fastest readers on earth?

    9/11 victims.... They can clear 10 stories in 5 seconds.

  • What are the two oldest animals on Earth?

    The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.

  • What do you call a fissure in the earth that houses old Russian rulers who like to mock others ironically?


  • What did the Earth say to the Earthquake?

    Sorry...that was my fault.

  • Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask?

    You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

  • How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson?

    it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.

  • Who are the biggest nay-sayers on Earth?


  • How do we know God is not a woman?

    Because the Earth is not a sandwich!

  • What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop?

    Take me to your liter!

  • Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?

    A: Without him the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

  • What do you call someone in the army that knows the capital of every country on earth?

    General Knowledge

  • What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?

    Where on Earth have you been??!!" **Thank you, I'll be here all night... Edit: Thanks for da love Dr. Jones!

  • What did the conceited man say while he stood on the north pole?

    The earth revolves around me.

  • What's the fastest liquid on earth?

    Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

  • Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

    Cause it looked hotter than usual! (I'll see myself out)

  • What are we gonna do with all this extra cocaine?

    The previous sentence has never been spoken in the history of earth

  • Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life?

    They were on the Earth before it was cool.

  • What do you get when you cross an oven with a car?

    A hot rod. NOTE: When I was about 5, I thought this was the funniest joke on earth.

  • Why did the Earth suddenly enter a manic episode then go back to a depressive episode?

    Because it's bipolar.

  • What could possibly make moviegoers forget about Will Smith's movie After Earth?

    A Concussion.

  • What if earth rotates 30 times faster?

    Interviewer:"If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?" engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D Think Greedily Act Confidently

  • What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple?

    He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.

  • What on Earth happened?

    The doctor said, surprised. "I don't know, it started with a boil on my arse." the frog said.

  • Who's gonna be Batman?

    leaves Earth*

  • What did earth say to the other planet?

    You guys have no life!"

  • What does the last man on earth watch on tv?


  • Whats the word im looking for?

    You're part of a three-man space crew orbiting Earth. You can ONLY relay one, one word message in 2 seconds. Whats the word

  • Why did the fastest animal on earth got disqualified on the race?

    Because it is using steroids.

  • What's the fastest land animal on earth?

    An Ethiopian chicken

  • What did earth say to the other planets?

    You guys have no life!

  • Why do women love Satan?

    He's down to Earth.

  • What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

    A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

  • What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?

    Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.

  • Why is the moon tastier than Earth?

    It's meteor.

  • Why did the Moon break up with Earth?

    The Moon said they were slowly drifting apart.

  • What does earth say to the other planets?

    You have no life

  • Why do we need art?

    Because the Earth without art is just "Eh".

  • What's the most 'Spoken' language on Earth?

    Hint: It's not English Spanish.

  • What is the quietest place on Earth?

    The complaint department at a parachute packing company.

  • What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

    An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....

  • What music do they play in a mexican bathroom?

    Earth wind and fire

  • What's the fastest car on earth?

    A rental car.

  • Why do telescopes like the Moon so much?

    Because they find him very down to earth.

  • Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates?

    I guess that some people just want to see the world turn

  • Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

    Because it's a little meteor.

  • Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?

    Because nobody liked it on earth.

  • Why does the Earth love geologists?

    They really get it's rocks off

  • Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?

    They're Meteor!

  • What's the most dishonest place on earth?

    The Library

  • Why are oceans so salty?

    Because the Earth is always tilted.

  • How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth?

    Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.

  • Where is the most environmental friendly place on Earth?

    r/Jokes, recycling rate is 98% here!

  • What's the difference between the Earth and my sock?

    The Earth's crust is on the outside.

  • Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

    The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

  • What do you call it when alpacas with speech impediments take over Earth?

    The Alpacalisp.

  • What did Earth say to the Sun?

    My life revolves around you!

  • Which is your favorite Monty Python Joke?

    Of course, there's , but here goes mine: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped. This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

  • Why can you always trust a bee without wings?

    Because it's down to earth.

  • What starts with "M" ends with "arriage" and recently made me the happiest man on earth?


  • What would happen if the Earth was a Cube?

    We'd all be cubans. I'm sorry

  • What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

    What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN Saddest joke ever.

  • Why are League of Legends players the most skeptical people on Earth?

    Because they take everything with a grain of salt.

  • What on Earth did the NASA discover?

    Nothing, it was on Mars

  • What's the fastest thing on earth?

    An Arab riding a bicycle down Collins Avenue in Miami Beach.

  • What is Jesus' favorite video game on earth?

    I am bread.