End Jokes
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What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?
an Envelope EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke
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Why is marriage like thin toilet paper?
Because you end up with a ring on your finger.
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What department do you not want to end up at in a corporation run by cannibals?
Human Resources.
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Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
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When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?
And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.
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What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?
Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.
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How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
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Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?
They heard there was water at the end
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How do you end a party in a redneck trailer park?
Flush the punch bowl
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How do Jamaican's end their prayers?
Ey mon.
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Why did the algae end up at school?
She wanted to buy an algae bra.
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What's the worst part of getting hit in the face with pie?
It's never ending.
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How do you get a Samsung owner to throw their phone out the window?
End your text with "this message will self destruct in 10 seconds"
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What begins with P ends with E and has thousands of letters?
The Post Office
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What do you find at an end of the rainbow?
Violet
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How many members of Linkin Park does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, cuz in the end it doesn't even matter!!!
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How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?
Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.
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What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?
It's "popcorn"! What were you thinking?!
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - One to put it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.
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When do you know that your career has gone south?
When you end up moving to South Korea, of course!
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When someone asks "You know what I think?
I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.
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Why does VALVE end with 2?
Because they can't count to
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How do you end a relationship fight?
You break it up.
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What does Barbie say when the drought finally ends?
It's raining Ken, hallelujah....
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What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess?
It's stale, mate."
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Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
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When does feminism end?
When Islam begins.
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Which end of a bus is it best to get off?
It doesn't matter. Both ends stop.
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What is the best joke you have heard that was on the end of a Popsicle stick?
Here is mine: Q: Where do snowmen dance --------- A: At the snowball. Best joke at the end of a Popsicle stick
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What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?
envelope
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What did the snake say to the cornered rat ?
Hiss is the end of the line for you !
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What happens when clowns get divorced?
They end up in a custardy battle.
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Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net?
The www.izard of Oz.
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What does a bowl of spaghetti and a degree from Phoenix online both have in common?
If it ends up on your wall you're probably retarded.
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What starts with "M" ends with "arriage" and recently made me the happiest man on earth?
Miscarriage
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What does train tracks and breast have in common?
They are both ment for boys but in the end it's the men who plays with them
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How is Game of Thrones going to end?
With fade out and to credits.
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What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
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What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black guy?
Neighbor
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Why did Billy not care who he offended while posting on the internet?
Because the ends justify the memes
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What does a robot do at the end of one night stand?
He falls off
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Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ?
Bridget the end of the world !
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What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?
A coconut
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What's brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and ends with "T", and has a "U" and an "N" in it?
A coconut.
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How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.
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How is prison like quidditch?
The game ends when they catch the snitch
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What are some towing related jokes i can impress my car club coworkers with?
I've already got that the frog called our car club to get toad, but that's about where my puns end.
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What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?
A: FIRETRUCK.
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What starts with r and ends with d?
removed
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What did the chicken say to the duck who was about to cross the road?
Don't do it, man, you'll never hear the end of it!"
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What has an R at the beginning, a T at the end, and EPOS in the middle?
Most of the jokes in this subreddit.
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What did Miss Piggy say to Kermit at the end of their first date?
Nothing. She had a frog in her throat.
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How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
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What's at the end of every movie?
Insert coin
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Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?
Because his watch has ended.
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What's the worst thing you can call a black person?
Hint: starts with an N and ends with an R Neighbor
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What gets longer the more you cut it at both ends?
A ditch.
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What's six feet tall , silver and stands at the end of kids beds?
Gary Glitters boots.
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What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?
They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.
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What starts with P and ends with orn?
Popcorn.
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What's the easiest way to end a friendship?
Just asking for a friend
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What does a white man never want to call a black man that starts with "N" and ends with "R"?
Neighbor" thanks bugz
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What happens to superficial people when they die?
They end up in a shallow grave.
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What word starts with F and ends in uck?
Firetruck. The answer is Firetruck.
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What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common?
Either way, someone is going to end up losing a trailer.
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Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant?
Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to get it 95% done, and the second to give it the twist at the end.
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How is Islam like a GPS?
You may think you're on the right path, but if you follow it literally, you'll end up crashing into a building.
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What is a double amputee's favorite video game?
League of Leg ends.
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How did Paul, the octopus, originally die?
Torres went and asked Paul proudly, "How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup " Paul died laughing.
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What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle?
Life.
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What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?
Semtex.
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What did one end of the rope say to the other?
We were bound to get together...
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Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know how it ends !
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How does ISIL prefer their eggs?
Sunni side up at first. But they always end up scrambled.
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What word that begins with "N" and ends with "R" do you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
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Why did the chicken end up in the soup ?
Because it ran out of cluck !
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What does one strawberry say to the other?
Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"
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What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
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Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.
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Where does bad light end up?
in prism
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What's the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool?
You'll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.
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What begins with S, ends with X and will change your life?
Smallpox
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Why is the north pole of a magnet red?
Because they don't have seals on the south pole Takes a while to get, but it's worth it in the end.
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What's the difference between a optimist, a pessimist and a realist?
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The pessimist sees nothing. And the realist sees the train.
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What starts with E, ends with E, and only has one letter in it?
An envelope!
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What do white girls and web developers have in common?
nobody ever compliments our back end :(
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What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?
The bogeyman.
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What is mitosis?
Those are the things on the ends of my feetsis. Thought of this during my last bio exam.
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How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?
If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.
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Where do frogs keep their treasure ?
In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow !
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Why are art contests so disappointing?
They always end in a draw
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What can you put at the end of a sentence, to make it funnier?
The punchline.
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What did Hillary say when she lost?
Putin end to my life.
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What don't you ever wanna call a black person that begins with the letter n. And ends with the letter r?
Neighbor
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Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
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What begins at the end and ends at the beginning?
Back to school ads
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Why did the marriage between the crab and the shrimp end in a divorce?
Because they were both too Shellfish.
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What does a tornado and a woman have in common?
It starts with a little blowing but at the end your house is gone
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Whats the easiest way to drown a blonde?
Glue a penny to the bottom of a swimming pool ALTERNATE ENDING: Put a scratch n' sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool
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What starts with "p," ends with "s," and is really long?
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
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Why I'm Breaking Up With You" Him: Wait, what the--?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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Why did the narcissistic cannibal end up in the hospital?
Because he was so full of himself.
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What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail ?
This is the end of me !
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down. You're dead now but the argument is over.
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What do blind people think of a basketball?
It's a never ending story.
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Why is revenge a dish best served with honey?
Because honey is what you find at the end of bee trails (betrayals)
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What do you call a software developer who's also a gynecologist?
Front-end
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Why was ex so lonely at the party?
Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.
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How many rocks did Hank Schrader have in his collection by the end of Breaking Bad?
None, they were all minerals.
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What's furry on the outside.. Wet on the inside.. Starts with a C... Ends with a T... And has U & N in-between?
A coconut!
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What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail?
That's the end of me!"
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What does a blonde and a tornado have in common?
They both start blowing but in the end they take everything from you.
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What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?
Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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What do you call it when you thrust a hairy pole in and out of your mouth, and at the end you spit out a white liquid?
Brushing your teeth!
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What does a gamer call the zombie apocalypse?
The end of DayZ
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What happens to a legend's career when he loses his leg?
It ends.
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What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan?
Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end
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What begins with P and ends with orn?
Popcorn, of course!
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What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat?
One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
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What word starts with N, ends with R, and you never wanna call a black guy?
Neighour
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What's the difference between a paddling pool and a swimming pool?
Deep ends really.
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What color is this?
4: McDonalds The end
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What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends ?
A witch with a blindfold !
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What is the difference between a magician and Bernie Sanders?
The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance
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What did the fruit enthusiast do as he was dying?
Prepear for the end.
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What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "FIRETRUCK"!!! What were you thinking? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? ..."POPCORN"!! What were you thinking?!?!?!
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What did one strand of yarn say to the other?
I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up. "Ball up..."
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How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God?
Ramen.
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Which company saw the end of disco coming from a mile away?
Discover.
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What starts with an A and has a boom at the end?
Allahu akbar
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What has 6 letters, starts with 'P', and ends a sentence?
Parole.
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What's another name for a supernova?
A POPstar. HAHAHAHA. Living is pain. Unbearable. End me.
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Why does it end with twenty?
he thinks to himself.
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What was the end scored?
Player: "1:1"
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Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe?
They get Hungary so they go for Turkey.
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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
An envelope!
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What do driving and dating have in common?
Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.
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What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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What do you end up with when your pig smokes pot?
Baked ham.
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How do you end world hunger?
Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.
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What did the dog say when he chased his tail?
This is the end.
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What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"?
Cloning.
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What word starts with F and ends with UCK?
Firetruck
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What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand?
hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING ! ! !
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What's black, wears a bandana and ends the world?
Tupacalypse. (thanks to my buddy Mike)
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What did the man say to the Formula 1 driver who nearly rear-ended him?
Thanks Verstappen.
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What is the worst thing about getting hit in the face with PI?
It never ends.
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What is a four-letter word for a woman that ends in "unt"?
Aunt.
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Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
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What do you call Muslims at the end of their religious service?
Mosquitoes
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What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet?
Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)
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Whats the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with N and ends with R?
Neighbor
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Why cant Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 she ends up with a frog in her throat.
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Why do black people always finish first in a running race?
There's a KFC at the end of the finish line.
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Why does Poland stay from Germany?
a couple decades ago they had a three way with Russia that ended poorly
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What is the hardest thing to do after starting a family?
Ending them.
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What will I have at the end of the day?
Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.
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What do girlfriends and sperm have in common?
They both always seem to end up in your clothes
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What's the difference between you and a naked ringneck?
One's a plucked pheasant, and I don't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
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Where are all the women in amateur astronomy?
At the other end of the telescope.
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What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker?
In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.
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What's the difference between life and wife's rant?
Life eventually ends.
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Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?
Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.
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How to end world hunger ?
By letting the hungry die.
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How does R.Kelly end a joke?
Ba dum
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Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?
It was unmiscible.
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How can Euchre and Marriage be similar?
Sometimes you start out all hearts and diamonds, but end up wishing you had a club and a spade.
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What do you call someone who promises change but ends up burning millions of undesirables?
Sean Murray and PS4 users
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.
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What's the difference between a beer and a down syndrome kid?
If you end up with a badly poured beer you can blow it's head off.
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What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"?
Wars end.
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Why was Jon Snow looking for an iWatch charger?
Because now his watch has ended.
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What does a WoW player with tubercolosis say when he ends a conversation?
TBC
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What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?
One's a pro, and one's a con.
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What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...?
A fork
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What costs you a fortune and leaves you in tears a year and a half later?
Not cancer, but my relationship that just ended today!
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Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?
A miscarriage! This joke never gets old, just like the baby!
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Why did the English major break up with the pilot?
Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.
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Why do Kenyans always win marathons?
At the end, they get a bag of chips and a Coke. -My dad told me this joke when we went to a race-
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What's the fastest way to end an Iraqi bingo game?
A:Call B52
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What's the difference between me and Jimmy Kimmel?
I can make it to the end of a Jimmy Kimmel joke without laughing.
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What happened to the girl who put too many deviating data into her box plot?
In the end her spread was so large she had to present it without any whiskers.
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Why is trigonometry so hard to talk about?
You always end up going off onto tangents.
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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus?
At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
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What is the digestive system?
The digestive system is a system which starts with one hole and ends with one hole
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What's the difference between the Holocaust and the Boston Marathon Bombing?
The Boston Marathon Bombing ended a race.
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Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
They never stop to ask directions.
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What starts with "W" and ends with "ife"?
Nevermind, this riddle is too easy.
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What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside, starts with C and ends in T?
Coconut.
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What do Spiderman and I have in common?
We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.
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What do you kiss on a Mexican dish that will trigger the end of the world?
El Taco Lips.
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Why can't pencils have babies?
Because they have rubbers on their end.
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How did the mathematician reach the end of the Y-axis?
On a plane.
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Why did the business dog chase his tail?
So he could make ends meet!
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Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
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What do feet and fairytales have in common?
They're both leg ends.
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What do the 12th of July and the end of an essay have in common?
They're both summary!
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How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
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What do wives and shingles have in common?
if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.
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Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!
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How can you tell which end of a worm is which ?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs !
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How do all races end in the desert?
In a cacti!
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What does natalia portman have on the ends of her feet?
her natalie
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Where'd he go?
and the angel said, "He's at IHOP for never-ending pancakes" and they were like, "Word."
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What is the difference between cats and commas?
This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.
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Where do all the orphan chickens end up?
Foster Farms
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How was my engagement the same as my divorce?
In the end, I settled.
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Where do you find monster snails?
On the end of monsters fingers.
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What's high in the middle and round on both ends?
Ohio.
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Why do feminist hate the bible?
Because it ends with A-men
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Why do all polish names end in ski?
Because they can't spell toboggan (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)
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Why did the cellphone go to court?
Because it was charged with battery.
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What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow?
A tail pail!
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What has four legs and see just as well from either end?
A horse with his eyes closed!
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Why do Polish people's names end in 'ski'?
Because they can't spell toboggan.
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What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
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What starts with an 'M', ends with 'arriage', and recently made me the happiest man alive?
Miscarriage
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What word begins with "N" and ends in "R" that I wouldn't want to call a black guy?
Neighbor.
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Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
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What starts with F and ends in UCK?
Fire truck.
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What do you call a group of crows?
The end of season 5.
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Why does chav code never compile?
They end every statement with init
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What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
-
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
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What starts and ends with a 'v' and is only one letter?
w'
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What gets louder if you enter it from one end, but quieter if you enter it from the other?
A howler monkey.
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Why are foodfights forbidden in japanese schools?
The children always end up with lice in their hair.
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What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?
a LepreKHAAAAAAN!
-
What did the seamen say to his friend?
It was a long road, but I ended up coming out a head.
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What did Oscar Pistorius say when his cellmate asked him how he ended up in prison?
I'm stumped."
-
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
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Why do all polish names end in SKI ?
They can't spell TOBOGGAN !
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What do a wedding and a funeral have in common?
At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.
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Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?
So they would end up with seasoned veterans.
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What is formed at the end of mitosis?
My nailses
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What do you call a loaf of bread when you cut off both ends?
A: Endless Bread!
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How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
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Why did the poor dog chase his tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
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Why did linkin park wrap themselves up in plastic wrap before they jumped off a cliff?
So in the end they didn't even splatter.
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Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles?
because Happy Hour ended.
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How many super sayen do you need to change a bulb ?
Only one, but it take 4 episodes and Krilin died at the end.
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What starts out happy but ends in tears?
Marriage
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What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it?
Coconut
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Why do dogs chase their tails?
A: They want to make ends meet.
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Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?
It just makes cents.
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Why do polish people all have ski at the end of their name?
Why do polish people all have ski at the end of their name? Because they can't spell toboggan.
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Why did the cheerleader get kicked out on her last day of school?
x-post from /r/punny Because you can't end on a prep position.