English Jokes
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When is an English teacher like a judge?
When she hands out long sentences.
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What do you get when you cross an English bulldog and a Shih Tzu?
A bull-shiht!
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What do English pirates call each other?
M80
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What language do birds speak ?
Pigeon English !
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What are the 5 most terrifying word in the english language?
Five more years of Cameron"
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Which came first. . . social media or dumb people?
AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language
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Why do stoners love English?
Because it's lit
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What does one call an undertaker that's been drafted into the Military?
A Corpseman. Painfully obvious, yet a terrible play on the English language, I know. It was something I came up with a few years ago, for some unknown reason.
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Why do they call a horse a horse?
Because they speak English.
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How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit 'em, the more English you get out of them.
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What do a cue ball and a mexican have in common?
The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.
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What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly.
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What is Black, White and Red all over?
My English Monologue Draft...
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What does a Mexican have in common with a cue ball?
The harder you hit em' the more English you get outta em'!
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How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one ?
By her suntan !
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What gift do you want?
HUSBAND: "An English girl." After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: "Where is my gift " WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"
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Where is the lift?
American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.
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How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant
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What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?
Their knees. (Not sure if this one translates well to english)
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What's the shortest possible sentence in Canadian English?
Sorry, eh.
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Where is the English Channel ?
Pupil: I don't know my TV doesn't pick it up
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?
Past tense.
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What's the difference between a refugee and E.T?
E.T learned English and wanted to go home.
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What's the difference between a teabag and the English rugby team?
A teabag stays in the cup longer...
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What is the only English word a French-Canadian knows?
Sorry.
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How do you say nachos in English??
Mine!
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What's the most 'Spoken' language on Earth?
Hint: It's not English Spanish.
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What does "Maginot Line" get translated to in English?
Speed bump ahead
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Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
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What do you call a pastry with an English degree?
A synonym roll
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How do you speak such good English?
I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history "
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How's a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit it the more English it picks up!
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What do a cab driver and a cue ball have in common?
The harder you hit them ...the more english you get out.
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What English King invented the fireplace ?
Alfred the grate !
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What's yellow and lies in a pond?
Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.
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What's the longest word in the English language?
A native Texan saying, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt."
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How many times should you check whether a sentence is written in English or Spanish?
Once.
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Why are teenage girls so much better at English than boys?
Girls, like, have a much better, like, grasp of, like, similes.
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What's an English teacher's favourite cereal?
Synonym Grahams
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What do the English use to blow up their enemies?
Tea N' Tea.
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What is the only word in an English dictionary spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly is the only word spelled I n c o r r e c t l y
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What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team?
The guy would survive the first round.
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Whats the difference between the English cricket team and a teabag?
A teabag stays in the cup longer
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What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?
Tally Hoes
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What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
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What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language?
Anticlimactic
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What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?
An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one :3
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What does a cab driver have in common with a pool cue ball?
The harder you hit them, the more english you get out.
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Why did the english student get an F?
His poem had ABAD rhyme pattern.
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What did the redneck say to the Frenchman?
You don't speak English fourchette!
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What do a baseball and a Mexican have in common?
The harder you hit it the more English you get
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What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men?
Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
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What's the different between E.T. and a refugee?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home
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Why is the word "smiles" the longest word in English?
Because there is a mile separating the two s'es.
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What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
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Where is the English Channel?
Student: I don't know, my tv doesn't pick it up
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What does Santa call his English Elves?
Subordinate clauses. ... I'll see myself out.
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Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer?
He wanted someone who understood and case.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an English degree?
Thesaurus.
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Why do we need to be learned English?
Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"
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What did you make of the new English teacher?
Burgers ma'am."
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What do you call an English rock band that is high?
THE ROLLING STONED!
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Whats the difference between English Breakfast and Irish Breakfast tea?
One is still in the EU.
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Why did the English majors switch to Spanish?
OC) Too many persuasive esses.
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Why are do many Italian-Americans named Tony?
When they came to Ellis Island, not one of them could speak a lick of English, but they all had "To NY" on their hats.
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What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
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What's the difference between an English pig and a French pig?
A French pig goes, "Oui! Oui! Oui!" all the way home.
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Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"
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What's the difference between an American student and an English student ?
About 3000 miles !
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Why is English such a hard language to learn?
Because it's
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What's the only thing the English and French agree on?
Americans. Alternatives: What's the only thing Americans and the French agree on? The English. What's the only thing the English and Americans agree on? The French.
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What does King Kong and a black person have in common?
neither of them can't speak english and are unemployed.
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What's an English geologist's favourite fruit?
A pomegranate.
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What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common?
The harder you hit them the more english you get.
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Which word is the longest in the English language?
Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
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What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?
E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.
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What's the difference between a German and a Scot?
The German knows when he's not speaking English.
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What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?
E.T. learned English and went home.
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What do the English and Welsh have in common?
Kids are their definition of a good time.
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Why did the Mexican fail English 101?
He wouldn't turn in his essay
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What do you call an English teacher five feet tall covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?
Sir!
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What dog is always tired in London?
An English sleep dog.
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What did the bobby (English policeman) say to the hitchhiker with three heads, no arms and one leg?
Ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, 'op in."
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Why do the English always carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk
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Why was Fam's favorite subject English?
Because it's Lit.
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How are your English lessons coming along?
Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
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What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!
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What's the longest verb in the English language?
Smiles. There is a mile between the first and the last letter.
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Why do the English drink warm beer?
Lucas refrigerators.
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Where do English prime-ministers take their kids on vacation?
Lourdes. Mother Theresa always goes there.
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Who, what, when, where and why?
English teachers and Alzheimer's patients
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What's the difference between the English rugby team and a teabag?
A teabag stays in the cup longer! (im so sorry -)
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When did the 100 years war get serious?
When the English got Crecy
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Where did the English teacher and the student fight?
in the MLA boxing ring
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What's the longest word in English?
smiles. Because there's a mile between both S.
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Why did the mathematician get an F on his English quiz?
He wrote, "i is the square root of negative 1."
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What is the longest sentence in the English language?
I do."
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Why did the English major break up with the pilot?
Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over.
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Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
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What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?
the harder you hit 'em the more english you get
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How do you convert Spanish programming into English?
Yes++
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Why is learning English confusing when you're camping?
Because running is past tents.
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How is a judge like an English teacher?
They both hand out long sentences.
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Why don't English teachers like parole?
They prefer complete sentences.
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Why wasn't Boy George any good at English?
because he always put 5 commas before chameleon.