Eye Jokes

  • Why do Men find it hard to make eye contact?

    Breasts don't have eyes.

  • What do you get when you cross a fish with no eyes?


  • What's the difference between the Polish and polish?

    No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you

  • What do you call a fish with no eyes?


  • What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    I have no ideer.

  • What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?

    A: I have my eye on you.

  • Why are your eyes dilated?

    Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at " Me: "Memes"

  • What's the biggest fish you ever caught?

    That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's not so big!" "Between the eyes "

  • How do you blind a Chinese man?

    lay floss over their eyes

  • Why did the blind couple get divorced?

    They couldn't see eye to eye

  • Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

    I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup " So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

  • Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?

    To see how she looks like when sleeping.

  • Why can't two blind people get along?

    They can't see eye to eye.

  • Why did the pirate with the eye patch drown?

    Because he had no depth perception.

  • Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?

    Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

  • How do you know when it's okay to swim in a pool of milk?

    When it's past your eyes.

  • How does a girl vampire flirt?

    She bats her eyes.

  • How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye?

    Looking for love in all the wrong places.

  • Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction?

    Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.

  • What do you call a cow with no eyes?

    A cow.

  • What's worse than a poke in the eye with a hot stick?

    Nothing. Trust me.

  • What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?

    I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)

  • Why do hunters close one eye before shooting?

    Because if they close the other, they can't see!

  • What do you call a dear with no eyes?

    A: No eye-deer.

  • What makes a grown man cry?

    Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

  • What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?

    A: A horse and rider.

  • What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called?

    Hurricanes with cataracts

  • Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

    Cause they don't have balls to scratch

  • What color was the Dallas shooters eyes?

    Blue. One blue this way and one blue that way.

  • Why is it hard to buy potatoes on the black market?

    Because there are eyes everywhere!

  • What did the barber say to the Potato?

    You've got eyes on the back of your head!"

  • How do hurricanes see?

    With one eye

  • Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

    A: They don't have balls to scratch.

  • What do you call a fish without any eyes?

    Boneless chicken

  • What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?


  • Why is Congress like a cold?

    Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).

  • When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?

    I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."

  • What did the donuts do on their date?

    They glazed into each other's eyes

  • What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs?

    Two chickens and a goat.

  • What's the square root of optimus prime?

    I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.

  • What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?

    A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

  • Why do Pokmon have eyes?

    So they can pikachu

  • Why was the fish swimming backwards?

    It didn't want to get water in its eyes.

  • What did one eye say to the other eye?

    Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.

  • What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved?

    Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....

  • Why do think that?

    The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."

  • How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ?

    With their eyes shut !

  • What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?


  • What has four legs and see just as well from either end?

    A horse with his eyes closed!

  • Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator?

    He didn't want to see the salad dressing.

  • What happens when skin touches skin, hair touches hair, and Balls Disappear?

    Answer: You Blink Your Eyes.

  • Which part of your body shuts down last when you die?

    The eyes, cause they di-late.

  • What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

    Fish !

  • Why don't you tell secrets in a garden?

    Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.

  • What do you call a pig with three eyes?


  • Why do hunters close one eye when they aim?

    Because they can't see if they close both.

  • What has six eyes but can't see?

    Three blind mice.

  • What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eye?

    Chicken Caesar salad.

  • How'd you get that cut above your eye?

    Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

  • What should we call this portable computer?

    SOME GUY: Laptop everyone applauds...w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer

  • Why do Pokemon have eyes?

    So they can pikachu

  • What do you call a three-legged donkey?

    A wonkey. What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye? A winky-wonkey.

  • What do you call... What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

    A doyouthinkhesawus (saurus)!

  • Why are your eyes red?

    Are you high! flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's "Love Story" in the car on the way over me: Yes

  • What did the chinese billionaire say after buying the deer with no eyes?

    I have no Idea.

  • What do you call a fish with three eyes?

    fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)

  • What do you prefer, honey?

    A smart woman or a beautiful woman -Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you

  • How'd you sleep last night?

    Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.

  • How do you know if someone is half texan and half Canadian?

    It rhymes when they say. "Keep at eye out for a coyote."

  • Why Can't you see the bacteria in milk?

    Because it gets past-your-eyes (pasteurized)

  • Why are so many blind people religious?

    Because they just won't open their eyes!

  • Why did the teacher have trouble controlling her pupils?

    She was cross eyed.

  • Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

    A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

  • What color were eyes of the Astronaut on the Challenger when it exploded?

    Blue. One blue this way ---- and the other blue that way -----

  • What do you call a deer with flashlights for eyes?

    A bright eye deer.

  • Why does a girls rub her eyes in the morning?

    A. Because they don't have balls to itch.

  • Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance?

    Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.

  • What do you call a deer without an eye?

    No idear.

  • What colour are my eyes?

    Guy: 34C.

  • What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?

    It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.

  • What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

    Beekeepers. Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

  • What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly?

    A dead bird.

  • Why did the teacher cross her eyes?

    Because she couldn't control her pupils.

  • How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?

    When it's past your eyes.

  • What do you call a pig with three eyes ?


  • What has one eye but can't see?

    A blind man... I'll show myself out... TO SEE YOU BACK NEXT WEEK!!

  • What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses?

    Two pirates.

  • What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?

    I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH

  • Why do they call it a third eye?

    If its on your fourhead?

  • What do you call a deer missing an eye?

    No-eye deer.

  • What does a hillbilly farmer call a deer with no eyes?

    Noeyedeer (Say it out loud)

  • What do you call a fish without eyes?


  • Why were the sandwich fillers eyes too close together?

    Because he was in-bread.

  • What did Charlie Bucket say when Willie Wonka peed on him?

    I've got a golden tinkle in my eye...

  • Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

    One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • Don't look at the eclipse through a colander.

    You'll strain your eyes.

  • Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?

    I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.

  • What do you call jokes about eyes?

    Vitreous humour.

  • Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?

    The first knows how to read the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • Why are spectators so happy with their jobs?

    Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder

  • How do you make a Venetian blind?

    Poke him in the eye

  • Why am I not asleep?

    he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

  • What do you call a deer with no eyes that isn't moving?

    Still no idea.

  • What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes ?

    Antteneye !

  • What do you call a pirate with two legs, two arms and two eyes?


  • What has six legs two arms four eyes and a tail?

    A man holding an aardvark.

  • What has two eyes but can't see, two wings but can't fly, and two legs but can't walk?

    A dead bird.

  • What do rodents say when they play bingo ?

    Eyes down for a full mouse' !

  • What is the first thing a blind man says?

    My eyes! My eyes!

  • What does a 1 eyed, 1 legged, and deaf kid get for Christmas?


  • What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye?

    Him: I give up Me: A terrorst

  • Why do Chinese only care about themselves?

    Because they have no i's (plural of i). Edit: eyes. Eyes guys. It's a bad pun.

  • Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?

    Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

  • What do you call a fish with no eye's?

    a fsh

  • How does the chef prepare the chicken?

    The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

  • Why did the kittens turn atheist?

    Coz their eyes opened.

  • Where's the cake?

    Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

  • What do you call a fish without an eye?

    A Fsh

  • Why do Japanese women like foreign men?

    Japanese men can't look them in the eye. Kappa

  • Why did the tear testify in court?

    Because he was an eye wetness.

  • Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

    One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • What Did One Eye Say To Another Eye?

    Don't Look Now But Something Between Us Smells

  • Why shouldn't you tell secrets on the farm?

    The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.

  • What has no eyes and four legs?

    No idea.

  • Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

    Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

  • What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?

    I only have eyes for ewe, dear

  • What do you mean you can't sleep?

    It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*

  • Why did God make pubic hair curly?

    So we don't poke our eyes out.

  • What have 12 legs six eyes three tails and can't see ?

    Three blind mice !

  • What do you call the injury a black guy gets after he gets punched in the eye?

    uh...a blacker eye?

  • What's red and silver and bumps in to walls?

    A baby with forks in it's eyes.

  • Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically?

    Goes better with their eyes.

  • How do government employees wink when they're at work?

    They briefly open one eye.

  • What has six eyes but cannot see?

    Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

  • How do you make a blondes eyes shine bright?

    Shine a torch in her ear!

  • Why can you never get caught with a 0 in math?

    because cot(0) doesn't exist ... This joke... it burns my eyes...

  • Why do Asians squint with their eyes?

    Because bombs are bright.

  • How do you know a girl with leprosy likes you?

    She gives you the eye.

  • What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs?

    Two pirates

  • What do you call a fish with no eye?


  • Why do liberals travel in threes?

    A: One to read one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

  • What do Japanese people call.. -What do Japanese people call their japs eye?

    My eye

  • What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

    Shut up.

  • What's green and hurts when it hits you in the eye?

    A snooker table

  • What do you call a deer without eyes?

    No-eye deer! Note: we are from Hicksville, USA. This may not make sense without the Midwestern accent.

  • What's green and bad for your eyes?

    An alligator.

  • Why are dogs always SENSITIVE?

    Because they have tears in their eyes

  • What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

    Bull dozer

  • What eye cannot see, cannot blink and is bleeding?

    The browneye. You'll have to guess why its bleeding.

  • How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

    By tying a knot on its tail.

  • What has eyes but can't see?

    Hellen Keller

  • Why do my eyes hurt?

    Because I got eye lashes.

  • How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Who cares, because How Can Light Be Real If Our Eyes Arent Real?

  • What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game?

    I'll keep an eye out for you!

  • Why does a VC always enter a room backwards?

    To keep an eye on the exit

  • Why were the teachers eyes so crossed?

    She couldn't control her pupils.

  • What do you like about me?

    Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards. Her: What Me: Your eyes

  • How do you blindfold an Asian person?

    You put floss over his eyes.

  • How can you identify an Irish pirate?

    A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

  • Why are you always tired, Dad?

    my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

  • Why is it a bad idea to date a girl from the leper colony ?

    Whenever they get upset, they cry their eyes out.