Face Jokes
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Why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins?
Because the only constant is change.
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What's the difference between a chickpee and a garbanzo bean?
I'd never let a garbanzo bean on my face
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Whats the difference between a priest and acne?
One waits till you're 14 before coming on your face.
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Whats black and hurts when you get it thrown in your face?
A Piano.
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What do jesus and girls have in common?
The expression on their faces when they got nailed.
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What products do you use for grooming?
she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"
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Which religion faces the most Resistance?
Hinduism... Om......
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What motivated Hercules to face off against Cerberus?
Alcmene triple-dog-dared him.
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When you put a baby into a blender, why do you put her in legs first ?
A : So that you can see the expression on the face.........
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Why was the little boy unhappy?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face
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What's another word for a face tattoo?
An everlasting jobstopper.
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Why was the clown kicked out of the maths lesson?
Because he kept throwing his pi in other peoples faces!
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What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
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What's the difference between racism and asians?
Racism has many faces.
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What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ?
Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself "what would the hulk do?
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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Why did the police officer shoot himself in the face?
He had a black eye.
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What do priests and zits have in common?
They bost bust on 12 year Olds faces
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How do you know if an Asian is depressed?
All around them are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
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What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
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Why doesn't a duck wear underwear?
Because their pecker's on their face.
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What kind of flower grows on your face?
A: Tulips.
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What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up?
I can't feel my face when I'm with you...
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Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
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What's the difference between a cat and a politician?
A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.
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Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly?
So he could look at others' faces.
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What did the five fingers say to the face?
SLAP!
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How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
It is when the blind try to read your face
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What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?
The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.
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How do Muslim women get wrinkles off their faces?
Fabric softener.
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What came first?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter!
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What's the difference between Jesus and a whore?
The expression on their face when they're getting nailed.
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How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She answered the waffle iron. How did she burn the other side? They called back.
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Who would you turn to face?
be careful with whom you chose
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Why should you know who is the bride at an Irish wedding?
Because that's the one you're *not* allowed to punch in the face.
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How do you keep a clown from laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
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How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?
he asks with a large smile on his face.
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What do you call a guy going down on a girl with a smile on his face?
A Gladiator
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What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp ?
A bear faced lyre !
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What are you going to do for a face?
When the monkey wants its bum back? :D
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How do you swat one hundred flies at the same time?
Smack an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
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Why did the dyslexic man have slime on his face?
Because I told him a good joke.
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How many Ricks from TWD does it take to change a light bulb?
Carl gets shot in the face.
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Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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Why do ghosts like going out?
So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.
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What's Rihanna's favorite love song?
I can't feel my face when i'm with you"
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What do you call a woman with egg and sausage on here face?
Cafe
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How does that make you feel?
ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.
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Why are ships' portholes round?
So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
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Why don't Rooster's wear underwear?
Because their pecker's on their face
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Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
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What do Hot Lips Hoolihan and Richard Pryor have in common?
A: They both have had major burns on their face.
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How do make a woman blind?
Stick a car windshield in front of her face.
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What did Serena say to Venus before they faced off in the US Open?
In tennis, love means nothing.
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How would you like that cooked?
gets right up in waitresses face* With frickin fire, obviously
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How do you get a clown off a swing?
hit him in the face with an Axe
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Why did the punk-rocker cross the road?
He had a chicken stapled to his face.
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What did the scientist see when he looked up his family tree?
A gorilla pooped on his face.
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Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
There was a face off in the corner
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Why was Jimmy sad?
Cause Jimmy had a frog stapled to his face.
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What did the midget get when he ran under the strippers legs?
A flap in the face.
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What if they found the face of Jesus in a piece of toast but it was *actually* Jesus?
This is my body, I'm nice with jam."
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What's the difference between garbanzo beans an chickpeas?
I don't have to play $50 for a garbanzo bean in my face.
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What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
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What's the difference between racism and the chinese people?
Racism has many faces...
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Whats the difference between chinese people and racism?
Racism has many faces
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When I asked her why, she said "uhhh no real reason". I'm thinking, "no reason, huh?
So I punched her in the face. Now she has a reason.
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What do you call shooting yourself in the face with jiz?
Homo-cide
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What did Will Smith's toe say to his face?
I am leg end.
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Why did the cancer patient get smacked?
His hand was bigger than his face.
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How do you tell if Lady Gaga is dead or not?
You PO PO PO POKE HER FACE PO PO POKE HER FACE!
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How can I face the problem?
When my problem is my face!
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Why don't chicken wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their face.
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Why did the Face of Bo go to the party by himself?
Because he had no body to go with.
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Why does your face look like a donut?
me 30 minutes into dieting
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How do you stop a clown from laughing?
Hit it in the face with an axe.
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Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.
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What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey?
The look on their face while being nailed.
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What's the difference between Tigger and Pooh?
I've never smeared tigger on my face
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay 50 to have a lentil on my face...
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Why didnt the asian block a punch coming to his face?
He couldn't see it coming
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What do fruit punch and a punch to the face have in common?
Both can knock you out at a party.
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How do you tell Michael Jackson's age?
You put a color scale next to his face.
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How do you get a clown off of its unicycle?
Hit it in the face with a pickaxe.
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Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face?
Because they're always footing the bill.
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How did your mom know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap.
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When I fix someone's computer and they say "Wow how'd you do that?
I tell them I'm a wizard then throw glitter in their face.
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Why do you put a baby into a blender feet-first?
So you can see the look on its face. How do you get said baby out of the blender? Tortilla chips.
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What do you call it when a feminist yells so much she spits on your face?
A femijizm
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Why is your face all scratched ?
My girlfriend said it with flowers. How romantic. Not really she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses !
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How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?
Netflix: Because you watched "The Wedding Planner"
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What's the difference between a garbanzo pea and a chick pea?
I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face.
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What do me and a mirror have in common?
A.When we see your face we both crack up!
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Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning?
Because she has two faces.
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How did the blind kid burn the side of his face?
He answered the iron
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Why doesn't a chicken wear underwear?
Because his pecker is on his face!
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What's better than having a garbanzo bean on your face?
Having a chickpea on your face.
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How'd you get that cut above your eye?
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
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Why don't chickens wear pants?
Because their pecker is on their face.. Thank you, good night!
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Why did the stick-figure man's arm keep hitting him in the face?
Because it was the punch line.
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What's the difference between my face and my jokes?
People laugh at my face.
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Why are there scratches all over your face?
Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu "It's my cat's best move"
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost at the Halloween party?
Let's get sheet-faced!
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Whats the difference between a Russian garbanzo bean and a Russian chickpea?
A president has never been blackmailed into treason over a video of him paying to have a Russian garbanzo bean on his face.
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Why did the Chinese man fall down the stairs?
He was shot in the face.
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Why was the young boy crying?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face
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What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?
Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."
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What is the worst thing about getting hit in the face with PI?
It never ends.
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What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?
You're hired" "Not guilty"
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How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
Hit him in the face with an axe
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What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce on its face?
Chicken Caesar salad.
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When is it okay to spit an arab woman in the face?
When her moustache is on fire!
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What's the diffrence between a Chickpea and a Gorbanzo bean?
I woun't pay a 100 bucks for a Gorbanzo bean on my face.
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What's his name?
A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will
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What is someone who takes drugs?
What is someone who drinks What hit you in the face last night
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How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny?
By the egg on its face.
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What's the difference between a pimple and a Catholic Priest?
A pimple waits until you're 13-years-old before coming on your face.
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Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?
Because they're stupid" said her friend.
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Where have you been?
he asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."
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What's thr difference between the chinese and racism?
Racism has many faces.
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Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?
I've never had a lima bean on my face.
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What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbonzo bean?
I wouldn't let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.
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Whats the worst joke you can play on an American?
Two pies to the face and one somewhere in a field in Pennsylvania.
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What is a oreo?
2 gang members smashing a white boys face.
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What's the difference... between a gazpacho bean and a chickpea?
I've never had a gazpacho bean on my face.
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What's the worst part of getting hit in the face with pie?
It's never ending.
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What is Rihanna's favorite song?
I can't feel my face when i'm with you"