Feel Jokes
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How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people?
He couldn't stand it.
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Why can't zombies play the blues?
Just feels like they don't put their soul in to it.
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What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone?
I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone
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Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
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How long have you felt this way?
Man: "Ever since I was an egg."
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What did the clown say after having a few drinks?
I'm feeling funny"
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Why do happy people like to sleep in late?
Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.
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Why can't you feel photons?
Because they are light.
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What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?
Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)
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How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band
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How do you feel when your phone suddenly starts blaring your least favorite tune?
Alarmed.
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How do you feel when you're playing Mortal Kombat and the air conditioning goes out?
Toastyyy!
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Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed?
He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.
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How do you help a sick ghost feel better?
Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!
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Why did the dog go to the hospital?
He was feeling ruff.
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How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim?
He was glad he ate her.
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What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling?
You belong.
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What's long and hard every time you wake up?
Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.
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How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session?
He felt dinosore.
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Which teachers make pupils feel good about themselves?
Maths teachers, they make everybody count.
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How did the toad feel in the morning?
A little bit froggy
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What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun?
Recoil
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Which member felt the warmest?
The conductor.
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Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof?
Because he wanted to feel his oats!
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What did one the left headphone say to the right headphone as they walked through a haunted house?
This place feels earie.
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How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?
The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)
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How does it feel to crash a rental car?
It Hertz.
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How do people usually feel after touching an electric fence?
Shocked.
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How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?
You can feel his presents ...
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How did Jesus feel after the last supper?
A bit cross.
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How could you know that?
Darth: I have felt your presents
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What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?
A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.
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How did the T-Rex feel after working out?
OC Dino-sore
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What do you call a person who delivers horribly?
A re-postman. Or a re-post person if you feel triggered.
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What is Jesus's go-to pickup line?
Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?
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How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers?
Because I think it makes perfect scents.
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Why didn't the feminist shave her arm pits?
Just kidding, just wanted to rile a few people up. But if you want to have a punchline contest, feel free.
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How do I feel about your goatee?
I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that
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What emotion does a tree feel every spring?
Relief
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Why did the dislocated finger leave the party?
He felt really out of place.
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Why did the shark go to the doctors?
Because he didn't feel very whale
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What, How is that possible!?
Vader: I felt your presents. Luke: NOOOOOOO
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Why does Bono sing acapella when he's feeling down?
It takes the edge off it
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How did Spartacus feel about going down on his wife?
He was gladiator
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What actor touches every girl on set?
David Cop-a-feel
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Why did the boat know it had a leak?
That sinking feeling...
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Why did the black man walk backwards?
I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.
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What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up?
I can't feel my face when I'm with you...
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How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?
The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".
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Why the tourists feel so happy driving by Taj Mahal?
Because they're going via Agra!
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Why do we feel like whistleblowers right now?
Because we're Snowedin.
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Why did the paedophilic bestialist not answer his name?
Because he was feeling a little horse.
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What feels good in the west but feels cotton in the East?
Happi-ness
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How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows?
Survivor guilt.
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How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?
Udderly useless.
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How do you think the whole Deflategate situation feels to Tom Brady now?
Probably doesn't feel how he prefers it to...
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How did the Hulk feel after trying to lift Mjolnir?
He felt Thor.
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How does that make you feel?
ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.
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Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
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What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?
PEEr pressure!
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Why did the clown go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling a little funny. He had testicular cancer.
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When you say you don't feel good "Are you pregnant?
people without kids "Do you have to poop " -people with kids
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Why are Twilight fans obsessed with it?
Because they need a fandom that won't make them feel like trash.
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How do introverts feel within society?
removed
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Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?
I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through
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When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?
I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.
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How can you tell if a loaf of bread is a boy or girl?
Feel around for the dough nuts
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What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?
Xanax since he's a Bartender
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Why do so many college kids need free healthcare?
Because they are feeling the Bern.
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How can you tell if a Mexican is feeling sad?
They're wearing a SOMBERERO
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How do you know if a woman is hot for you?
When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.
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Why did Snow White go to bed?
She was feeling Sleepy.
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What does 100% humidity mean?
Even dry farts feel like wet farts.
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Why did the Ewok ESL student do so well with conjunctions?
He felt at home with And/Or.
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Why did the BMX date the motorcycle?
He was feeling a bit bike-curious.
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What does heroin make you feel like?
More heroin.
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How does a booze thief make you feel better?
He lifts your spirits.
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
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Why won't the holocaust survivor vote for Bernie Sanders?
He doesn't want to feel the Bern.
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How does it feel?
Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon" And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow "What"
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Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?
In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
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How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
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Where does a cow go when he is so upset he doesn't feel like talking?
A moo'd specialist.
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Why did the cookie cry?
It was feeling crumby.
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Why did the marine park worker feel aimless?
Because they lacked porpoises.
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Where does He-Man keep his towel?
BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.
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How can U make a difference?
Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*
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What do windows feel when they get hurt?
Pane!
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Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
It makes them feel popular.
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What do you feel like having?
Nothing."
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Why did the dog feel insecure in her bathing suit?
She was a little husky.
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How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?
Ostrich-sized.
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How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs?
He was delighted.
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Why do Klingons feel very little pain?
They produce a lot of endworfins.
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What did one cheese say to the other?
I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate!
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Why did the pig walk into the kitchen?
Because he felt like bacon. :P
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What happens when you step on an oily asian?
Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.
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What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
Footseveral " No but I feel like you're on the right track
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What did the cookie say to the cracker?
You feeling salty bro
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Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?
It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.
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Why did the Native American feel so reluctant about booking a hotel room?
He had his reservations.
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Why couldn't the soldier feel his legs?
Because his arms were blown off.
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Where do conspiracy theorists keep their ideas?
In a skeptic tank. (Note: I just made up this joke earlier today. I'm not 100% sure the joke is obvious feel free to suggest a better wording!)
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How did the Manicurist feel after her salon was robbed?
Defiled.
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What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?
After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."
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How are you feeling?
The thermometer responded, "0K."
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What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous?
It fro's up.
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Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?
Church " "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers
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How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
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How does Reddit feel about Civil War jokes?
Because personally, I General Lee don't find them funny
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Why did the cookie visit the doctor?
He was feeling a little crummy.
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Why do I love putting down kids without parents?
Cause endorphins make me feel good.
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What's worse than a white guy walking into a church andshooting 9 black people?
He let the others get away... I feel I'll be downvoted to hell for this...
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What did one ethuastic Electrician say to the other sad Electrician?
Don't feel bad, YOU CONDUIT!!!
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Whats the difference between a black guy in jail and a caged birth?
The bird doesn't feel he's home.
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Why do we feel the need to order beers in round?
It's beer pressure.
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Why did the dyslexic butcher feel left out?
He felt like he just didn't belong-a (bologna)
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How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?
A little stiff.
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Why did the faucet turn on?
It was feeling .
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How did Mars feel when the colonists were approaching?
Terra-fied.
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How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero?
0K
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How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just the two, really. Or as many as will fit, if theyre feeling frisky.
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How does Avis feel to be #2?
It Hertz
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How do calculus students feel about undefined slopes in Cartesian planes?
Indifferential.
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How did the farmer feel after he ripped his clothing?
Let's just say he felt overall sadness.
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Why did the miner feel so low?
He was in a deep depression.
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Why does 7 and 8 feel very uncomfortable?
Because they're stuck between a 69.
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Why did the pig run away from the pig sty?
He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.
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What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common?
What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common? In both people don't feel like showering.
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How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated?
Defeeted
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What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?
I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!
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What did the thunder say when it understood the joke?
I feel so enlightninged!
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What do you call that feeling when the bus finally arrives?
a peasantfeeling
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What do you call a Mexican melon?
A cantelopez! Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.
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When black guys say "ya feel me?
I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I'm operating at.
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Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr?
Because it has cis-trust issues
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Why was the electoral map feeling down?
It wasn't, it was feeling blue.
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What does a pirate's beard feel like?
Corsair. (works better in a pirate accent)
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Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed?
Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.
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What part of a chicken is a musical instrument?
The drumstick. (Had this joke stuck in my head for a while so felt like sharing it.)
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How could you possibly know?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
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How did the Pharaoh feel after falling for a craigslist scam?
Egypt
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Why did the pervert cough when he was caught molesting a pony?
He was feeling a little horse.
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What does a sick billionaire say?
I feel like a million bucks"
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How do you find and old man in the dark?
Just feel around. It's not hard.
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What do you call a cat that has boils on its skin and can't feel it's toes?
A leperd
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Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter?
Because they dress in lairs.
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How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen?
You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.
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When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
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How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?
Delighted.
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How do you guys feel about that new drug-resistant superbug?
It makes me sick.
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What's three times worse than OCD?
OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...
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What does disappointment feel like?
deleted
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What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?
They all "Feel The Burn!"
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Why did the calendar give up on life?
Because he felt his days were numbered.
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What's gotten into you man?
Midget: Sorry, I feel a little Sikh.
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How does it feel to have your head separated from your body?
It tears your apart.
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Who's there ! April ! April who ?
April might make you feel better !
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What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish?
OC I think I'm feeling C6
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How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
A: Down in the mouth!
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How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan?
He was de-lighted
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How do you feel about the upcoming Tour de France?
I'm gonna give 110%
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What happens to the losers of the tv show The Biggest Loser?
They're made to feel like the smallest person in the world.
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How would you feel if I die?
Husband: I will go mad with grief. Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!
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What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?
I feel abominable.'
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Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
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Why did the mountain climber quit halfway through his climb?
He really wasn't feeling up to it.
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How did the midget feel when he found out he was retarded?
A little Down.
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When should you feel sorry for a skunk?
When its spray pump is out of order!
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How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon ?
Melon-collie !
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What do you call a rapper who's feeling bitter?
NaClmore
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Why'd the short man take the elevator up?
He was feeling down
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Why did the dolphin feel crabby?
Because he ate too many crabs!
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Why does my van have windows?
I want to make my victims feel like they have a chance.
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What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?
Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"
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How does a tail pipe feel after a long car ride?
exhausted.
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How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.
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Why do people on acid listen to Dubstep?
Because if they didn't drop the base it would be a neutral reaction and they wouldn't feel the psychedelic effects.
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What did Pippin Took do when he was drunk?
He began to feel Merry.
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How can you tell if your goose is depressed?
It's feeling down.
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Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
Because he felt like BACON!
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How did Moses feel after falling for a craigslist scam?
Egypt.
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Why was the dolphin depressed?
He felt he had no porpoise in life
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How did the dollar bill feel when his change started disappearing?
Coincerned
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What's your favorite word?
5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means! Me- I know how you feel.
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How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?
He felt his presents.
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What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?
ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...
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What's a VCR?
My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person who has ever lived. I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.
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Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.
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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say?
I feel a bit overdressed."
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What do you call Iron Man when he is feeling sad?
A bit of a Downey
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How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car?
Tired.
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Why do writers always feel cold?
Because they are surrounded by drafts!
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What would a world without women feel like?
A pain in the arse.
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What is it called when you walk away from your banana cream pie in the Sahara?
Deserting your dessert in the desert. I feel some banana jokes about to be inserted in this thread tho
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Why did the elevator take antidepressants?
It was feeling down
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What do vegetables watch when they're feeling frisky?
Cornography
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What did the doctor say When a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable?
what's tomato with you !
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How you're feeling now?
Patient: I'm feeling lonely with chill girl and 60 other persons
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How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?
He was hammered.
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Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
An ape-ricot sour!
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What's Rihanna's favorite love song?
I can't feel my face when i'm with you"
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Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup?
He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!
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What does that clock say at 1 o'clock night?
1 AM feeling very sleepy.
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Where does a burger feel at home?
On the range!
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How does a pair of pants feel when it is ironed?
A: Depressed.
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How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas?
He was de-lighted.
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What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music?
I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.
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What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek?
Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.
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What did Jay Z say to Beyonce after having an ice cream shoved up his arse?
I'm feeling a bit sorbet.
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Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated?
Because he thought people were taking him for granite.
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What does Pingu say when he feels suicidal?
Noose Noose
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How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?
He was shocked.
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Why did the Golfer feel aladeen about his socks ?
He had a hole in one.
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What is the only thing that will be "Feeling the Bern"?
Working people's wallets.
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How do windmills feel about renewable energy?
They're pretty big fans
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Why was dyslexic Eminem put in a cage?
He was startin' to feel like a rap dog, rap dog.
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What did the peadophile say when he was released from prison?
I feel like a kid again
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Why is the love of a woman with 20 children magical?
Because it feels like a wizard's sleave.
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How do you feel when there's no coffee?
Depresso.
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How do you feel?
Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.
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What is the worst part of a prostate exam?
Feeling the doctor's hands on your shoulders.
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When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?
Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.
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Why do LGBT men typically have their whisker-hairs depilated?
So their skin won't feel so abrucive
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What did Jesus say while he was getting crucified?
A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel free to share yours)
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How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread?
He felt pain.
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What did JayZ say to the theoretical mathematician?
I feel sorry for you son, I got 99 problems but you got imaginary ones
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What kind of cheese gives out money?
Prova I just came up with that and feel pretty proud (:
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Why did Matthew Arnold go swimming before writing Dover Beach?
Before writing the poem, he felt he had to do some sole-searching.
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Why did the horror fan switch off Cujo?
Because he felt like IT
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How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed!
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What if I have to poop?
D: Then you should go now. *awkward pause* "Thanks I feel better."
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Why did the dolphin run away from home to start a new life?
He felt he had lost his sense of porpoise.
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn't feel well.
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How do the Russian people feel about their government?
They're Putin up with it.
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What's water?
so she wouldn't feel stupid.
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How are you feeling Grandpa?
Grandpa: Oh you know with my hands mostly.
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How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?
They just have a feel for that kind of thing.
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Why was red sad?
Because he was feeling blue
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How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot?
Perky.
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When are you going to learn to drive?
I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.
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Why should Ray Charles be a psychologist?
Because he feels for everyone.
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Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?
Because the Doctor can never see him.
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How did Jesus feel when they crucified him?
He was cross.
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Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?
They get to meet their old flames!
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What is Rihanna's favorite song?
I can't feel my face when i'm with you"
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How do rocks feel about moss?
It's growing on them.
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What's being in love feel like?
You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway Almost as good as that.
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What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before?
Deja phew!
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How do people with leukemia know they have cancer?
They can feel it in their bones.
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What do you call it when you finger a pony?
Feeling a little horse.
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Why did the tadpole feel lonely ?
Because he was newt to the area !
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How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
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How do you know a gypsy woman is pregnant?
You put a piece of wire in her and if you feel pulling she is indeed pregnant.
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How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster ?
Terrier-fied !
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Why don't you just tell her how you feel?
Well, alright." "Girl, I feel with my nerves."
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How did the blind skydiver know he was about to hit the ground?
He felt the slack in his dog's leash.
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What do you call the feeling of being a tortured insect?
Antagony
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Why was Lindsay Lohan feeling sleepy?
He was buying drinks.
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Why did the horse feel famous on Reddit?
He was gelded.
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What makes a software developer feel rich?
Their Cache
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Why do batteries feel lonely?
Because they are never included in anything.
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How did the domestic goods feel when they were being shipped overseas?
Tarrif-ied.
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Where does a tugboat go when it feels sick?
To the Dock
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What do you call ham that feels better?
Cured ham.
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How does a young man make an old woman feel young again?
Elixir
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Why'd the cookie go to the hospital?
It was feeling a little crumby.
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How do you think I feel?
I have to walk home alone"
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What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?
The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
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What did the picture say to the Judge?
I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! Skip