Feel Jokes

  • How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people?

    He couldn't stand it.

  • Why can't zombies play the blues?

    Just feels like they don't put their soul in to it.

  • What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone?

    I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

  • Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?

    Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

  • How long have you felt this way?

    Man: "Ever since I was an egg."

  • What did the clown say after having a few drinks?

    I'm feeling funny"

  • Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

    Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

  • Why can't you feel photons?

    Because they are light.

  • What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?

    Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)

  • How does it feel son?

    Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band

  • How do you feel when your phone suddenly starts blaring your least favorite tune?


  • How do you feel when you're playing Mortal Kombat and the air conditioning goes out?


  • Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed?

    He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.

  • How do you help a sick ghost feel better?

    Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!

  • Why did the dog go to the hospital?

    He was feeling ruff.

  • How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim?

    He was glad he ate her.

  • What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling?

    You belong.

  • What's long and hard every time you wake up?

    Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

  • How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session?

    He felt dinosore.

  • Which teachers make pupils feel good about themselves?

    Maths teachers, they make everybody count.

  • How did the toad feel in the morning?

    A little bit froggy

  • What is the first thing you feel when you shoot a baby with a gun?


  • Which member felt the warmest?

    The conductor.

  • Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof?

    Because he wanted to feel his oats!

  • What did one the left headphone say to the right headphone as they walked through a haunted house?

    This place feels earie.

  • How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?

    The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)

  • How does it feel to crash a rental car?

    It Hertz.

  • How do people usually feel after touching an electric fence?


  • How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

    You can feel his presents ...

  • How did Jesus feel after the last supper?

    A bit cross.

  • How could you know that?

    Darth: I have felt your presents

  • What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?

    A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.

  • How did the T-Rex feel after working out?

    OC Dino-sore

  • What do you call a person who delivers horribly?

    A re-postman. Or a re-post person if you feel triggered.

  • What is Jesus's go-to pickup line?

    Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?

  • How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers?

    Because I think it makes perfect scents.

  • Why didn't the feminist shave her arm pits?

    Just kidding, just wanted to rile a few people up. But if you want to have a punchline contest, feel free.

  • How do I feel about your goatee?

    I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that

  • What emotion does a tree feel every spring?


  • Why did the dislocated finger leave the party?

    He felt really out of place.

  • Why did the shark go to the doctors?

    Because he didn't feel very whale

  • What, How is that possible!?

    Vader: I felt your presents. Luke: NOOOOOOO

  • Why does Bono sing acapella when he's feeling down?

    It takes the edge off it

  • How did Spartacus feel about going down on his wife?

    He was gladiator

  • What actor touches every girl on set?

    David Cop-a-feel

  • Why did the boat know it had a leak?

    That sinking feeling...

  • Why did the black man walk backwards?

    I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk.

  • What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up?

    I can't feel my face when I'm with you...

  • How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

    The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

  • Why the tourists feel so happy driving by Taj Mahal?

    Because they're going via Agra!

  • Why do we feel like whistleblowers right now?

    Because we're Snowedin.

  • Why did the paedophilic bestialist not answer his name?

    Because he was feeling a little horse.

  • What feels good in the west but feels cotton in the East?


  • How do you feel now?

    Me: With my elbows

  • What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows?

    Survivor guilt.

  • How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?

    Udderly useless.

  • How do you think the whole Deflategate situation feels to Tom Brady now?

    Probably doesn't feel how he prefers it to...

  • How did the Hulk feel after trying to lift Mjolnir?

    He felt Thor.

  • How does that make you feel?

    ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.

  • Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?

    Because people kept toasting him!

  • What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

    PEEr pressure!

  • Why did the clown go to the doctor?

    Because he was feeling a little funny. He had testicular cancer.

  • When you say you don't feel good "Are you pregnant?

    people without kids "Do you have to poop " -people with kids

  • Why are Twilight fans obsessed with it?

    Because they need a fandom that won't make them feel like trash.

  • How do introverts feel within society?


  • Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?

    I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through

  • When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

    I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

  • How can you tell if a loaf of bread is a boy or girl?

    Feel around for the dough nuts

  • What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

    Xanax since he's a Bartender

  • Why do so many college kids need free healthcare?

    Because they are feeling the Bern.

  • How can you tell if a Mexican is feeling sad?

    They're wearing a SOMBERERO

  • How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

    When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

  • Why did Snow White go to bed?

    She was feeling Sleepy.

  • What does 100% humidity mean?

    Even dry farts feel like wet farts.

  • Why did the Ewok ESL student do so well with conjunctions?

    He felt at home with And/Or.

  • Why did the BMX date the motorcycle?

    He was feeling a bit bike-curious.

  • What does heroin make you feel like?

    More heroin.

  • How does a booze thief make you feel better?

    He lifts your spirits.

  • Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

    Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

  • Why won't the holocaust survivor vote for Bernie Sanders?

    He doesn't want to feel the Bern.

  • How does it feel?

    Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon" And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow "What"

  • Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?

    In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.

  • How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

    He felt his presents.

  • How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

    A. They were really put out.

  • Where does a cow go when he is so upset he doesn't feel like talking?

    A moo'd specialist.

  • Why did the cookie cry?

    It was feeling crumby.

  • Why did the marine park worker feel aimless?

    Because they lacked porpoises.

  • Where does He-Man keep his towel?

    BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

  • How can U make a difference?

    Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*

  • What do windows feel when they get hurt?


  • Why do blondes like blonde jokes?

    It makes them feel popular.

  • What do you feel like having?


  • Why did the dog feel insecure in her bathing suit?

    She was a little husky.

  • How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?


  • How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs?

    He was delighted.

  • Why do Klingons feel very little pain?

    They produce a lot of endworfins.

  • What did one cheese say to the other?

    I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate!

  • Why did the pig walk into the kitchen?

    Because he felt like bacon. :P

  • What happens when you step on an oily asian?

    Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.

  • What should we call it when a man is beautiful?

    Footseveral " No but I feel like you're on the right track

  • What did the cookie say to the cracker?

    You feeling salty bro

  • Why do they put half of the instructions in Spanish?

    It drives me crazy. I feel like I am missing out on important information. They should put the whole thing in one language.

  • Why did the Native American feel so reluctant about booking a hotel room?

    He had his reservations.

  • Why couldn't the soldier feel his legs?

    Because his arms were blown off.

  • Where do conspiracy theorists keep their ideas?

    In a skeptic tank. (Note: I just made up this joke earlier today. I'm not 100% sure the joke is obvious feel free to suggest a better wording!)

  • How did the Manicurist feel after her salon was robbed?


  • What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?

    After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."

  • How are you feeling?

    The thermometer responded, "0K."

  • What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous?

    It fro's up.

  • Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?

    Church " "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers

  • How long have you felt like this?

    Ever since I was a puppy!

  • How does Reddit feel about Civil War jokes?

    Because personally, I General Lee don't find them funny

  • Why did the cookie visit the doctor?

    He was feeling a little crummy.

  • Why do I love putting down kids without parents?

    Cause endorphins make me feel good.

  • What's worse than a white guy walking into a church andshooting 9 black people?

    He let the others get away... I feel I'll be downvoted to hell for this...

  • What did one ethuastic Electrician say to the other sad Electrician?

    Don't feel bad, YOU CONDUIT!!!

  • Whats the difference between a black guy in jail and a caged birth?

    The bird doesn't feel he's home.

  • Why do we feel the need to order beers in round?

    It's beer pressure.

  • Why did the dyslexic butcher feel left out?

    He felt like he just didn't belong-a (bologna)

  • How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?

    A little stiff.

  • Why did the faucet turn on?

    It was feeling .

  • How did Mars feel when the colonists were approaching?


  • How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero?


  • How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Just the two, really. Or as many as will fit, if theyre feeling frisky.

  • How does Avis feel to be #2?

    It Hertz

  • How do calculus students feel about undefined slopes in Cartesian planes?


  • How did the farmer feel after he ripped his clothing?

    Let's just say he felt overall sadness.

  • Why did the miner feel so low?

    He was in a deep depression.

  • Why does 7 and 8 feel very uncomfortable?

    Because they're stuck between a 69.

  • Why did the pig run away from the pig sty?

    He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.

  • What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common?

    What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common? In both people don't feel like showering.

  • How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated?


  • What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

    I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

  • What did the thunder say when it understood the joke?

    I feel so enlightninged!

  • What do you call that feeling when the bus finally arrives?

    a peasantfeeling

  • What do you call a Mexican melon?

    A cantelopez! Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.

  • When black guys say "ya feel me?

    I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I'm operating at.

  • Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr?

    Because it has cis-trust issues

  • Why was the electoral map feeling down?

    It wasn't, it was feeling blue.

  • What does a pirate's beard feel like?

    Corsair. (works better in a pirate accent)

  • Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed?

    Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.

  • What part of a chicken is a musical instrument?

    The drumstick. (Had this joke stuck in my head for a while so felt like sharing it.)

  • How could you possibly know?

    Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

  • How did the Pharaoh feel after falling for a craigslist scam?


  • Why did the pervert cough when he was caught molesting a pony?

    He was feeling a little horse.

  • What does a sick billionaire say?

    I feel like a million bucks"

  • How do you find and old man in the dark?

    Just feel around. It's not hard.

  • What do you call a cat that has boils on its skin and can't feel it's toes?

    A leperd

  • Why don't Bond villains feel cold in the winter?

    Because they dress in lairs.

  • How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen?

    You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.

  • When the hell did you grow a beard?

    Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

  • How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?


  • How do you guys feel about that new drug-resistant superbug?

    It makes me sick.

  • What's three times worse than OCD?

    OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...

  • What does disappointment feel like?


  • What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?

    They all "Feel The Burn!"

  • Why did the calendar give up on life?

    Because he felt his days were numbered.

  • What's gotten into you man?

    Midget: Sorry, I feel a little Sikh.

  • How does it feel to have your head separated from your body?

    It tears your apart.

  • Who's there ! April ! April who ?

    April might make you feel better !

  • What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish?

    OC I think I'm feeling C6

  • How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?

    A: Down in the mouth!

  • How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan?

    He was de-lighted

  • How do you feel about the upcoming Tour de France?

    I'm gonna give 110%

  • What happens to the losers of the tv show The Biggest Loser?

    They're made to feel like the smallest person in the world.

  • How would you feel if I die?

    Husband: I will go mad with grief. Wife (a bit glad): You wouldn't remarry, would you Husband: You never know. A mad man can do anything!

  • What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?

    I feel abominable.'

  • Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl?

    You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

  • Why did the mountain climber quit halfway through his climb?

    He really wasn't feeling up to it.

  • How did the midget feel when he found out he was retarded?

    A little Down.

  • When should you feel sorry for a skunk?

    When its spray pump is out of order!

  • How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon ?

    Melon-collie !

  • What do you call a rapper who's feeling bitter?


  • Why'd the short man take the elevator up?

    He was feeling down

  • Why did the dolphin feel crabby?

    Because he ate too many crabs!

  • Why does my van have windows?

    I want to make my victims feel like they have a chance.

  • What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?

    Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"

  • How does a tail pipe feel after a long car ride?


  • How many true friends do you believe you have?

    Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.

  • Why do people on acid listen to Dubstep?

    Because if they didn't drop the base it would be a neutral reaction and they wouldn't feel the psychedelic effects.

  • What did Pippin Took do when he was drunk?

    He began to feel Merry.

  • How can you tell if your goose is depressed?

    It's feeling down.

  • Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

    Because he felt like BACON!

  • How did Moses feel after falling for a craigslist scam?


  • Why was the dolphin depressed?

    He felt he had no porpoise in life

  • How did the dollar bill feel when his change started disappearing?


  • What's your favorite word?

    5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means! Me- I know how you feel.

  • How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?

    He felt his presents.

  • What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?

    ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...

  • What's a VCR?

    My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person who has ever lived. I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.

  • Why did the witch wear a green felt pointed hat?

    So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen.

  • What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say?

    I feel a bit overdressed."

  • What do you call Iron Man when he is feeling sad?

    A bit of a Downey

  • How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car?


  • Why do writers always feel cold?

    Because they are surrounded by drafts!

  • What would a world without women feel like?

    A pain in the arse.

  • What is it called when you walk away from your banana cream pie in the Sahara?

    Deserting your dessert in the desert. I feel some banana jokes about to be inserted in this thread tho

  • Why did the elevator take antidepressants?

    It was feeling down

  • What do vegetables watch when they're feeling frisky?


  • What did the doctor say When a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable?

    what's tomato with you !

  • How you're feeling now?

    Patient: I'm feeling lonely with chill girl and 60 other persons

  • How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

    He was hammered.

  • Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?

    An ape-ricot sour!

  • What's Rihanna's favorite love song?

    I can't feel my face when i'm with you"

  • Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup?

    He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!

  • What does that clock say at 1 o'clock night?

    1 AM feeling very sleepy.

  • Where does a burger feel at home?

    On the range!

  • How does a pair of pants feel when it is ironed?

    A: Depressed.

  • How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas?

    He was de-lighted.

  • What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music?

    I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.

  • What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek?

    Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.

  • What did Jay Z say to Beyonce after having an ice cream shoved up his arse?

    I'm feeling a bit sorbet.

  • Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated?

    Because he thought people were taking him for granite.

  • What does Pingu say when he feels suicidal?

    Noose Noose

  • How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?

    He was shocked.

  • Why did the Golfer feel aladeen about his socks ?

    He had a hole in one.

  • What is the only thing that will be "Feeling the Bern"?

    Working people's wallets.

  • How do windmills feel about renewable energy?

    They're pretty big fans

  • Why was dyslexic Eminem put in a cage?

    He was startin' to feel like a rap dog, rap dog.

  • What did the peadophile say when he was released from prison?

    I feel like a kid again

  • Why is the love of a woman with 20 children magical?

    Because it feels like a wizard's sleave.

  • How do you feel when there's no coffee?


  • How do you feel?

    Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

  • What is the worst part of a prostate exam?

    Feeling the doctor's hands on your shoulders.

  • When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?

    Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.

  • Why do LGBT men typically have their whisker-hairs depilated?

    So their skin won't feel so abrucive

  • What did Jesus say while he was getting crucified?

    A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel free to share yours)

  • How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread?

    He felt pain.

  • What did JayZ say to the theoretical mathematician?

    I feel sorry for you son, I got 99 problems but you got imaginary ones

  • What kind of cheese gives out money?

    Prova I just came up with that and feel pretty proud (:

  • Why did Matthew Arnold go swimming before writing Dover Beach?

    Before writing the poem, he felt he had to do some sole-searching.

  • Why did the horror fan switch off Cujo?

    Because he felt like IT

  • How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?

    They were very impressed!

  • What if I have to poop?

    D: Then you should go now. *awkward pause* "Thanks I feel better."

  • Why did the dolphin run away from home to start a new life?

    He felt he had lost his sense of porpoise.

  • Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

    Because he didn't feel well.

  • How do the Russian people feel about their government?

    They're Putin up with it.

  • What's water?

    so she wouldn't feel stupid.

  • How are you feeling Grandpa?

    Grandpa: Oh you know with my hands mostly.

  • How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?

    They just have a feel for that kind of thing.

  • Why was red sad?

    Because he was feeling blue

  • How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot?


  • When are you going to learn to drive?

    I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.

  • Why should Ray Charles be a psychologist?

    Because he feels for everyone.

  • Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?

    Because the Doctor can never see him.

  • How did Jesus feel when they crucified him?

    He was cross.

  • Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?

    They get to meet their old flames!

  • What is Rihanna's favorite song?

    I can't feel my face when i'm with you"

  • How do rocks feel about moss?

    It's growing on them.

  • What's being in love feel like?

    You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway Almost as good as that.

  • What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before?

    Deja phew!

  • How do people with leukemia know they have cancer?

    They can feel it in their bones.

  • What do you call it when you finger a pony?

    Feeling a little horse.

  • Why did the tadpole feel lonely ?

    Because he was newt to the area !

  • How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

    He felt his presents.

  • How do you know a gypsy woman is pregnant?

    You put a piece of wire in her and if you feel pulling she is indeed pregnant.

  • How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster ?

    Terrier-fied !

  • Why don't you just tell her how you feel?

    Well, alright." "Girl, I feel with my nerves."

  • How did the blind skydiver know he was about to hit the ground?

    He felt the slack in his dog's leash.

  • What do you call the feeling of being a tortured insect?


  • Why was Lindsay Lohan feeling sleepy?

    He was buying drinks.

  • Why did the horse feel famous on Reddit?

    He was gelded.

  • What makes a software developer feel rich?

    Their Cache

  • Why do batteries feel lonely?

    Because they are never included in anything.

  • How did the domestic goods feel when they were being shipped overseas?


  • Where does a tugboat go when it feels sick?

    To the Dock

  • What do you call ham that feels better?

    Cured ham.

  • How does a young man make an old woman feel young again?


  • Why'd the cookie go to the hospital?

    It was feeling a little crumby.

  • How do you think I feel?

    I have to walk home alone"

  • What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?

    The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

  • What did the picture say to the Judge?

    I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! Skip