Finger Jokes
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What is a proctologist's drink of choice?
Two fingers of whiskey.
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What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive?
A glove.) First response: "My Aunt Lydia."
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How many fingers does the dragonborn have?
8 fingers and 2 Thu"ums... Unless the dragonborn only has a Haafingar
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How can you get a cannibal to go away?
Give him the finger.
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What do you call it when you finger a pony?
Feeling a little horse.
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What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...?
A fork
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What did the booger say to the finger?
Pick on someone your own size.
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Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering?
Because they can't put their finger on it.
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What do you call a judge that doesn't have any fingers?
Justice Thumbs
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What is WRONG with you?
Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let's see... ok... carry the 1... um... That would be everything
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What's the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball ?
You can only fit three fingers in the bowling ball.
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What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
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What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ?
He cut all his fingers off !
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Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?
He fingered a minor
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What did the five fingers say to the face?
SLAP!
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Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?
Because it's soda pressing.
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How do you make Peppermint Creme?
Finger it really well.
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What's the difference between a bowling ball and a French girl?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
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Why did the cannibal go to KFC?
He heard it was finger licking good.
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What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common?
They were both fingered by their brother.
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What are sardines?
A little fish that smells like fingers.
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How did a blind girl burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron
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What is the difference between a Gynecologist and a Urologist ?
The smell of their fingers.
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What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers!
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What do u call a lesbian with 9in fingers?
Well hung.
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What can a monster do that you can't do?
Count up to 25 on his fingers.
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What did the alien say to the gas pump ?
Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm talking to you !
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What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?
The bogeyman.
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What's hairy and has five fingers?
A thalidomide's armpit
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What did Sam say to the young Americans?
Guess where this finger's going."
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How did the Pianist play without fingers?
Not very well at all...
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What's your strongest trait?
My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me " GIVE ME fighting to maintain pinch THE JOB
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Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
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How is working in I.T. like being a wizard?
You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.
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Why did the hipster burn his fingers?
because he changed the light bulb before it was cool
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What does my finger and lemon pie have in common?
They both have my rang on them.
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When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Your fingers.
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Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket?
He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
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What did the tailor say when he pricked his finger?
A: Darn!
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How many fingers do I have up?
a gynecologist who thinks he's really funny
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Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper?
It's finger licking good.
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Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
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What did the robot say to the gas pump?
Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!" I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.
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What do women and saxophones have in common?
They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.
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What do Bill Cosby and the Little Dutch Boy have in common?
Both were caught with their finger in the dyke.
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What's the best kind of guy to get fingered by?
One with Parkinson's disease!
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Why do bald guys cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
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How does a blonde call for her dog?
She puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "Max!".
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What can you get off with your finger that you can't get off with steel wool?
Your girlfriend.
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How can you tell if a black guy is well hung?
You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.
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Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
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What's the difference between a 6 year old and a 16 year old?
Which hole they stick their finger in when no-one's looking.
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What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?
I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!
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How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?
On their fingers
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Why did the boy die when a car ran over his finger?
His finger was up his nose.
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Why are anorexic people cannibals?
Because they're always putting their fingers in their mouths.
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Why did the guitarist get life in prison?
He fingered a minor.
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What really makes Whinny the Pooh angry?
When other people put two fingers in his honey.
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What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor?
Will I really sink if you take your fingers out
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Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
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Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsnif fer.
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Why your fingers have spaces in between?
nothing!why? would you like it to be very close to each other. You're not a duck!
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How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.
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What do you call a nosy hot pepper?
Jalapeno business! ha ha.. haha.. ha love this joke (Usually accompanied with three snaps of the fingers in the shape of the letter Z and moving my head from side to side)
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How can you tell if a mechanic went home for lunch?
One of his fingers is clean
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Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?
Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
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What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke?
she shattered his jaw!
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Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
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What did the five fingers say to the phallus?
FAP!!!"
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What does a Duggar girl and the Unabomber have in common?
They have both been fingered by their brother.
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What did the finger say to the thumb?
A: I'm in glove with you.
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How do you celebrate July 4th in Canada?
Not by getting drunk and blowing off your fingers, because it's just a regular day fir you.
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What's the difference between hematologists and urologists?
A hematologist pricks fingers.
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Why is something that keeps you from burning your fingers on a joint called a roach clip?
Because potholder was already taken
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What has a ring but no fingers?
The former owner of a Note 7
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Why is marriage like thin toilet paper?
Because you end up with a ring on your finger.
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Why'd the band teacher go to jai?
Because he fingered A-minor
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What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?
Two fingers.
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Why did the dentist divorce the manicurist?
She tried to stick her finger in his cavity.