Finger Jokes

  • What is a proctologist's drink of choice?

    Two fingers of whiskey.

  • What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive?

    A glove.) First response: "My Aunt Lydia."

  • How many fingers does the dragonborn have?

    8 fingers and 2 Thu"ums... Unless the dragonborn only has a Haafingar

  • How can you get a cannibal to go away?

    Give him the finger.

  • What do you call it when you finger a pony?

    Feeling a little horse.

  • What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...?

    A fork

  • What did the booger say to the finger?

    Pick on someone your own size.

  • Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering?

    Because they can't put their finger on it.

  • What do you call a judge that doesn't have any fingers?

    Justice Thumbs

  • What is WRONG with you?

    Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let's see... ok... carry the 1... um... That would be everything

  • What's the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball ?

    You can only fit three fingers in the bowling ball.

  • What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?

    You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

  • What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ?

    He cut all his fingers off !

  • Why did the guitar teacher go to jail?

    He fingered a minor

  • What did the five fingers say to the face?


  • Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

    Because it's soda pressing.

  • How do you make Peppermint Creme?

    Finger it really well.

  • What's the difference between a bowling ball and a French girl?

    You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

  • Why did the cannibal go to KFC?

    He heard it was finger licking good.

  • What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common?

    They were both fingered by their brother.

  • What are sardines?

    A little fish that smells like fingers.

  • How did a blind girl burn her fingers?

    A. Reading the waffle iron

  • What is the difference between a Gynecologist and a Urologist ?

    The smell of their fingers.

  • What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

    Justice Fingers!

  • What do u call a lesbian with 9in fingers?

    Well hung.

  • What can a monster do that you can't do?

    Count up to 25 on his fingers.

  • What did the alien say to the gas pump ?

    Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm talking to you !

  • What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?

    The bogeyman.

  • What's hairy and has five fingers?

    A thalidomide's armpit

  • What did Sam say to the young Americans?

    Guess where this finger's going."

  • How did the Pianist play without fingers?

    Not very well at all...

  • What's your strongest trait?

    My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me " GIVE ME fighting to maintain pinch THE JOB

  • Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

    So they can run their fingers through their hair.

  • How is working in I.T. like being a wizard?

    You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.

  • Why did the hipster burn his fingers?

    because he changed the light bulb before it was cool

  • What does my finger and lemon pie have in common?

    They both have my rang on them.

  • When things go wrong, what can you always count on?

    Your fingers.

  • Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket?

    He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

  • What did the tailor say when he pricked his finger?

    A: Darn!

  • How many fingers do I have up?

    a gynecologist who thinks he's really funny

  • Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper?

    It's finger licking good.

  • Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

    pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

  • What did the robot say to the gas pump?

    Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!" I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.

  • What do women and saxophones have in common?

    They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.

  • What do Bill Cosby and the Little Dutch Boy have in common?

    Both were caught with their finger in the dyke.

  • What's the best kind of guy to get fingered by?

    One with Parkinson's disease!

  • Why do bald guys cut holes in their pockets?

    So they can run their fingers through their hair.

  • How does a blonde call for her dog?

    She puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "Max!".

  • What can you get off with your finger that you can't get off with steel wool?

    Your girlfriend.

  • How can you tell if a black guy is well hung?

    You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.

  • Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

    So they can run their fingers through their hair.

  • What's the difference between a 6 year old and a 16 year old?

    Which hole they stick their finger in when no-one's looking.

  • What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

    I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!

  • How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

    On their fingers

  • Why did the boy die when a car ran over his finger?

    His finger was up his nose.

  • Why are anorexic people cannibals?

    Because they're always putting their fingers in their mouths.

  • Why did the guitarist get life in prison?

    He fingered a minor.

  • What really makes Whinny the Pooh angry?

    When other people put two fingers in his honey.

  • What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor?

    Will I really sink if you take your fingers out

  • Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?

    So they can run their fingers through their hair.

  • Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?

    He was a ghoulsnif fer.

  • Why your fingers have spaces in between?

    nothing!why? would you like it to be very close to each other. You're not a duck!

  • How does an idiot call for his dog?

    He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

  • What do you call a nosy hot pepper?

    Jalapeno business! ha ha.. haha.. ha love this joke (Usually accompanied with three snaps of the fingers in the shape of the letter Z and moving my head from side to side)

  • How can you tell if a mechanic went home for lunch?

    One of his fingers is clean

  • Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?

    Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

  • What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke?

    she shattered his jaw!

  • Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

    The noise gave her a headache.

  • What did the five fingers say to the phallus?


  • What does a Duggar girl and the Unabomber have in common?

    They have both been fingered by their brother.

  • What did the finger say to the thumb?

    A: I'm in glove with you.

  • How do you celebrate July 4th in Canada?

    Not by getting drunk and blowing off your fingers, because it's just a regular day fir you.

  • What's the difference between hematologists and urologists?

    A hematologist pricks fingers.

  • Why is something that keeps you from burning your fingers on a joint called a roach clip?

    Because potholder was already taken

  • What has a ring but no fingers?

    The former owner of a Note 7

  • Why is marriage like thin toilet paper?

    Because you end up with a ring on your finger.

  • Why'd the band teacher go to jai?

    Because he fingered A-minor

  • What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

    Two fingers.

  • Why did the dentist divorce the manicurist?

    She tried to stick her finger in his cavity.