Finish Jokes

  • What did the guy say after he finished jacking off?

    Well that got a load off my mind.

  • Why won't Hillary ever pull out?

    She's never finished screwing people.

  • What does a woman and KFC have in common?

    By the time youre finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

  • How does it feel?

    Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon" And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow "What"

  • What does a slave owner do with his slaves when he's finished with them?

    Races 'em.

  • What do I have in common with Franz Kafka?

    Neither of us have finished The Castle.

  • What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

    Neither of them can finish a play

  • When a dirty kid has finished taking a bath what is still dirty?

    The bathtub.

  • Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

    Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.

  • Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?

    Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

  • Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

    Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

  • Why should I drink Mr. Pibb?

    He didn't even finish grad school.

  • How do you get Americans to join a World War?

    Tell them it's nearly finished.

  • What do you call a WWII battle that finished it's senior year at communism school?


  • What did the blonde Buddhist say when she finished her 88th prayer?

    I literally chant even..."

  • How did the Catholic Priest finish the marathon?

    He was second to Nun.

  • What does it take to finish a race?

    More than a Holocaust

  • What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

    He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

  • How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.

  • What did the crowd say when I finished my country name puns?

    East Timor

  • Why don't emus ever finish all the food on their plates?

    They don't want to be ostrich-sized!

  • What do women and Google have in common?

    They never let you finish first. (#s)

  • Why did the Boston Marathon runner collapse before finishing the race?

    WTF ) His thighs were burning too bad.

  • Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?

    The box said 2-4 years!

  • Why should you never bet on Germany at the Olympics?

    They have the worst track record for finishing a race.

  • How many children do I want to have?

    Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

  • What are you celebrating?

    They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"

  • What came first, the chicken or the egg?

    Neither, it was the selfish Rooster that came first and the Hen never even finished.

  • What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?

    Wait until he's finished.

  • Why isn't Bernie Sanders campaigning in OKC?

    They're both eliminated and finished second in their conference.

  • What is Kanye West's favorite kind of omelette?

    Omelette you finish

  • Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine?

    He doesn't like to be left hanging.

  • How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat?

    Ba dum ship.

  • What did the police say when they finished interviewing Dylann Roof?

    You're hired

  • Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

    because they get lost at C!

  • What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?

    inventor of Autocorrect

  • What do you call someone who finishes a sentence with you?

    Partner in crime.

  • What do you get if you dont finish your meal at a cannibalistic restaurant?

    A bodybag

  • How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?

    Not too well considering they can't finish a race.

  • Why couldn't the Ghostbusters ever finish Oregon Trail?

    Because they couldn't cross the streams.

  • What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners ?

    Mercy !

  • What is Kanye West's favorite breakfast food?

    Omelette you finish.

  • Why couldn't the taxidermist finish anything he started?

    Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects

  • Why didn't the mentally challenged kid finish his math test in time?

    Because he was too slow.

  • When he finishes drinking, he pulls out his wallet and say to the Bartender, "How much?

    The Bartender says, "For you No charge."

  • What did the lesbian rattlesnake say to Hillary after they finished making love?

    You know, they're right . . . we do taste like chicken!"

  • Why did the man with a stammer never get out of jail?

    He couldn't finish his sentence.

  • What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola?

    At least Ebola will finish me off

  • Why didn't Ann Frank finish her diary?

    She needed more concentration.

  • What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

    You don't have to hug a washing machine half an hour after it finishes

  • How can you tell when Ron Jeremy is finished pumping gas?

    He pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!

  • Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

    A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

  • Why was the blond excited when she finished her puzzle after 6 months?

    Because the box said 2-4 years!

  • Why do black people always finish first in a running race?

    There's a KFC at the end of the finish line.

  • Why didn't Anne Frank finish her diary?

    She needed more concentration.

  • Why did the electric car finish the race early?

    It had a short circuit.

  • Why don't Germans compete in marathons?

    They have a sad history of not finishing off races.

  • Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

    He was just a little beet.

  • Why didn't the little girl finish her lollipop?

    She was hit by a bus

  • Why are germans so bad at marathons?

    Because they cant finish a race.

  • How long does it take for George R.R. Martin to finish a Reddit post?

    Answer coming Fall 2017.

  • What do you call a horny asian woman?

    Actually, I'm not going to finish that. It's a slippery slope.

  • What did the Los Angeles Lakers finish on tuesday?

    Kim Kardashian's face.

  • Why can't blondes finish software updates?

    They can never find the "any" key.

  • Why are women like KFC?

    After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

  • What did Justin Verlander finish on Friday?

    Kate's back.

  • What's the difference between foreplay and KFC?

    Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, you're left with a greasy box to put your bone in.

  • How are you doing this morning?

    Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you

  • What did Nietzsche tell his editor when he finished writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra?

    It's over, man.

  • What did Dahmer do when he finished his vegetables?

    A: He threw away their wheelchairs!

  • What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

    He removed the appendix!

  • Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?

    He always gets stuck on across.

  • Why are prison escapees so frustrating?

    Because they never finish their s

  • When will my baby move?

    With any luck, right after it finishes college.

  • What happened to your three week diet ?

    Player: I finished it in three days !

  • What did the lawyers say when they finished their basketball game?

    Court is adjourned

  • Why can't Charlie Sheen finish the alphabet?

    Because when he gets to 'P' it burns.

  • How's Terry Fox like Jack Layton?

    They both tried to run a country and died before finishing.

  • What do the Globetrotters do when they're finished urinating?

    The Harlem Shake

  • What do women and KFC have in common?

    One you are finished with the breast and the thighs, you still have a greasy box to put your bone

  • What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

    Check, mate.

  • What is the difference between complete and finished?

    If you find the right woman, you're complete.

  • Why can't white girls finish their sentences?

    Because they can't even

  • Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

    Because they finish each other's sentences

  • Why does the NBA finish in June?

    She likes it.

  • What did the painter say after finishing a portrait of his brother Andrew?

    I drew drew

  • Why do nice guys make good lovers?

    They always finish last.

  • Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

    A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.

  • Why do Santas elves take forever to finish making toys?

    Because they are always a little behind

  • Why do girls like nice guys?

    Cause nice guys always finish last.

  • Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly?

    They want to finish before it's cool.

  • What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

    A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

  • How much equations does it take to finish a math test?

    Only Sum

  • What did the made-to-order breakfast dish say to Taylor Swift at the Grammys?

    Omelette you finish.

  • What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

    Neither can finish a play.

  • Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

    Because they spend years at sea.

  • Why was the blond happy she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?

    It said 2 to 4 years on the box.

  • What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work?

    The aftermath

  • What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party?

    I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.

  • What do the racehorse that finished in second and Michael Jackson have in common?

    They both came in a little behind.

  • How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction?

    There both just honestly happy to finish

  • What's difference between Jesse Owens and Adolf Hilter?

    Owens can finish a race.

  • What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

    I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

  • What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?


  • What did Helen Keller say after she finished her bowl of cereal for breakfast?

    I may be blind, but I can see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.