Fire Jokes
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What do you call a policeman on fire?
Bacon.
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What do you do when a box kotex catches on fire?
throw it on the ground and tampon it.
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When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood?
when his hand caught fire!!
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Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?
He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.
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Where's the fire ma'am?
grips lighter* "I'm not sure yet"
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What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire?
That he needed to address the situation
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Why couldn't the fireman put out the fire?
Because his hose was in a different area code.
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Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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What do you call a horse that is on fire?
Neighpalm
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Why did Peter Parker get fired?
He spent all day on the web.
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Why did Raekwon tha Chef get fired from his job at an oyster bar?
Cuz Wu Tang Clan got nuttin' to shuck with.
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Why was Amazon angry after their conference with Samsung?
After taking Notes, they realized their was no way they could sell the Fire.
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What do you call a rifle that fires 3 bullets at once?
A trifle!
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Why are there no guys named William serving in the army?
Because they dislike the phrase "Fire at Will"
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What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?
He got fired.
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Why is it better to be ashy?
cause it just means you spit more fire
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Why didn't Pinocchio make it thru puberty?
He caught on fire.
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Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?
Because she kept throwing out all the W's
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How do you make a Cat sound like a Dog?
You pour some gasoline on it, light it on fire and it will go
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Why did the gifting company fire their last employee ?
Because they got a bad wrap.
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Why was the baker happy when his pie caught fire in the oven?
He was a pieromaniac.
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How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
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Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She threw out all the W's.
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Who's there ! Bossy ! Bossy who ?
Bossy just fired me !
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Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.
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What do Alicia Keys, Katniss Everdeen, and Joan of Arc all have in common?
They're all girls on fire.
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What do they do when the Queen has a baby?
Fire a 21 gun salute. What do they do when a nun has a baby Fire the dirty old Canon.
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What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it?
H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.
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What do you call a line of diamonds on fire?
Hotline Bling.
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Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?
Because Paracetamol on fire.
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What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?
1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired
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What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?
Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."
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Why did the grocery delivery guy get fired?
He drove people bananas!
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Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck?
Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
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Why'd the little girls ice-cream melt?
She was on fire.
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Why did Ted get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the minimum?
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What did the U.S president say before starting WW3?
Nukes... You're fired!
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What did Water say to Fire when they met for the first time?
Shhhhhhh.
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Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
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Where is the fire at?
The man replies: it's back there, I'm just going to get the water! (This is a true story, my uncle really said this)
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What did the match box say to the match?
You're fired!
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Why are French guns the best to buy?
They've never been fired, and only dropped once.
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Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
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Why don't off duty police men fire grenades into children's cribs?
If you're good at something never do it for free.
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Why did the psychic get fired?
Because she didn't see it coming.
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What do you call a fire on the beach?
Bernie Sanders
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Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent?
The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
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Why did the worker at the M&M factory get fired?
he threw out the W's
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What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
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What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire?
I'm getting the fudge outta here!"
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How's the wife?
Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next
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What did the dog say to the fireman?
The roof is on fire.
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How are Lindsay Lohan and the Note 7 alike?
The both leave your crotch on fire
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What's red and orange and looks good on hipsters?
Fire.
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Why did the Pepsi executive get fired?
He tested positive for Coke.
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Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
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Why are stick people extinct?
Because you can't rub two sticks together you get fire.
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What is the chemical composition of a fire hydrant?
K9P.
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Why did the apple pie get fired from his job?
Because he showed up baked.
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What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire?
Bernadette!
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What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe?
An e-mergency.
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What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is on fire?
Bernie.
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Why did the farmer's house catch on fire?
He left his home on the range.
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What do you call ten thousand pastors setting themselves on fire in protest of marriage equality?
A good start.
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How are Cigarettes like Hamsters?
They're harmless until you put one in your mouth and light in on fire
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What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?
Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
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Why did they fire the contract lawyer with lazy eye?
He was always dotting his T's and crossing his I's. (I made up this joke myself)
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What do a hurricane a tornado a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
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What joke is the darkest?
Fire away please! I want to hear it all!
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How do they cook a turkey in Russia?
They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!
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Why did the blond get fired from the boomerang factory?
She threw away all the bent ones. Why did she get re-hired They all came back.
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Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She threw out all the W's.
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What do you call a white person on fire?
A firecracker.
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How do you make a cat woof?
soak it in gasoline and light it on fire... WOOF!
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Why was the CEO of Pepsi fired?
They caught him with an ounce of coke in his system.
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What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?
It was just a matter of time.
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Why did the bullet stay home?
Because it got fired!
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How do you make a cat sounds like a dog?
Douse it in gasoline and set it on fire. !
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What happened to the gun that kept randomly shooting?
He got fired.
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What do you call a 2x4 that lost its family to a fire?
mourning wood
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What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
Bernadette.
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Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long?
Because as soon as they start they get fired.
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What's bright, red and orange and looks good on hippies?
Fire.
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How did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
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Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?
Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!
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Why was the pirate fired from the babyGap?
For stealing the booty
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What screams, wails, and lights up?
A bus-load of babies on fire.
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What do you call a rifle that has been fired recently?
A shotgun
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What do you fire from underwater guns?
Seashells
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Why does AMD call having 2 or more cards Crossfire?
Because no matter what card you cross, and how many, you're bound to start a fire.
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Why couldn't Bing start a fire?
No matches founds
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Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?
Because she kept throwing out all the W's
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How did you get those horrible burns?
flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.
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Why did Opey get fired from his job as a pizza delivery boy?
Because Opey never delivered.
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Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business?
He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.
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What did the witch say when her position was terminated?
You can't fire me! I snappopcrackleaaaaaargh!!!!
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Why did the blonde girl get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the W's.
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Why did the worker at the M&M factory get fired?
he threw out the W's
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Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
Because she was drinking on the job.
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Who sang at the funeral of those who died in a railroads arson?
Adele. Some one set fire to the train
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What you call it?
takes back mixtape* FIRE!
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How do you get a woman to pick cotton?
Set her tampon string on fire.
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What do disabled people get when there's a fire in the building?
Left behind
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How do you make holes in a fire?
With a fire drill.
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What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common?
Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.
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Why did the farmer fire the DJ?
Because he kept on dropping beets.
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Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
Because she threw out all the bent ones.
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Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
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Why was Bob Marley fired from being a tennis announcer?
Because he kept calling "One Love"
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What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?
The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!
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I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
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What does the commander say to the firing squad when they go camping?
Ready, aim, make the FIRE!
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
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Why did the blonde girl get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the W's.
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What do you call a woman who throws letters in the fire?
Bernadette
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What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea?
An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
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Why was the midget fired from his job?
He came up short on his register.
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Why did Billy Joel get acquitted?
Because he didn't start the fire.
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Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job?
For Catcalling
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What Did The Idiot's Friend Say To The Other Idiot's Friend, After The Idiot Lit Herself On Fire?
She's Bright...
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What do you call a cat on fire?
A fur-nace
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What does its job only after its been fired?
A bullet.
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Whats the difference between a hippie on fire and a lifetime supply of patchouli?
I don't wish for a lifetime supply every time I smell patchouli.
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Why did the butcher get fired?
For bringing home the bacon.
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What do you call it when you use Icy Hot as lube?
Fire in the hole!
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Why did Will die?
Because the commanding officer told his soldiers: "Fire at will"
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What are you doing here?
I just got fired from the circus "Oh my" Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
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What do you call a dwarf that was on fire?
A lil smokey
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How can you tell that a baker's hands are on fire?
He can't seem to *stop droppin' rolls*.
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How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?
He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.
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How did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood?
His hand caught fire.
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What's brightly coloured and looks good on raver kids?
Fire.
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What is the safest place in the galaxy?
In the direct line of fire of a Storm Trooper.
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When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?
When her mustache is on fire!
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What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?
Arrr son!
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What happened to the tree after it caught fire?
It became entally handicapped
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How can you even see with those?
You're fired."
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Why was the driver fired from the destruction derby?
He was accused of wreckless driving.
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What has two O's and fires?
A double-vowel shotgun.
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What did the chicken say after it's wings caught on fire?
Damn, I sure got some hot wings!"
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What time was it when Jared got fired?
When the big hand touched the little hand
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Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire?
A Snowman.
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Why did the worker get fired from the hp computer factory?
He threw out all the computers with "dy" on them.
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What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?
Holy smoke!"
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Why was the chef fired?
He was caught stroganoff
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What's left of a garden after it catches on fire?
Chard remains.
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Why was the necrophiliac fired from the crematory?
He was caught spreading remains before they were cremated.
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What happened when fire and the wheel were invented?
People got lit and turnt.
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Why did the DJ get fired as a waiter?
Because he'd drop everything
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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She threw away all of the W's.
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What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired?
Oh snap!
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What happened when a whore house caught on fire?
Some came out running, others ran out coming.
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What did he say?
Me: "You're fired".
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Why wouldn't the worker accept 10 fresh chickens as a reward for saving a farm on fire?
It was a poultry amount
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What happened when porky pig fell asleep at his construction job?
The foreman fired him, saying, 'We can't have bored boars boring boards.'
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What is a KKK member's favorite board game?
CROSS fire
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How do you teach your dog to roll over ?
Put him on fire.
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What's the difference between Victoria Taylor and Arnold Schwarzenegger?
One was fired, the other was terminated
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What's the hottest thing in China right now?
A Tibetan monk on fire.
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Why don't hypochondriacs... Why don't hypochondriacs use lighters?
They're afraid of catching fire!
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What did the fire say the morning of his birthday?
I'm stoked!
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Why did the snowman get fired from his job?
He was a snow call, snow show.
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Why did the employee get fired from the calendar manufacturing company?
He took a day off
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?
A: Make sure one is a match!
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What do you call making jokes of a chicken on fire?
Roasting a chicken.
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What do you call sandpaper on fire?
Bernie Sanders
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Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?
She didn't have control of her pupils
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Why was the mathematician fired?
Because he was sur to requirements.
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Why did Skrillex get fired from the antique shop?
Because he d-d-d-d-dropped the vase. Stupid. I know.
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Why was a missile looking for a job?
Because it got fired!
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Why did the feminist get fired from Panera?
Because she ate all the cookies and didn't know how to make a sandwich.
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How Do You Start a Flood?
An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
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Why did OP get fired from his job as a mailman?
He never delivered.
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Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?
Because he had a crack addiction.
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Why are you still using it?
Sentimental attachment. -It just caught fire. -Aww, just like old times.
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What would you call the mailman if he got fired?
I don't know, just some dude.
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Why did Helen Keller fire her maid?
Cuz she left the plunger in the toilet. - Jackie Martling
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What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?
Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one
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Why was the teenage girl fired from her job at the casino?
Because SHE JUST CAN'T DEAL
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How do I get out this stain?
Fire. How do you fix a car Fire. How do you break up with someone FIRE!
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Why does the speech impaired baker say he got fired?
He took one too many whisks.
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How do you advertise a French rifle?
Never fired, dropped once.
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When is it okay to spit an arab woman in the face?
When her moustache is on fire!
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What do you call an alpacca that screams when it sees fire?
A smoke aLaama.
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Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior?
They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire
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Why did the vengeful fireman lose his job?
He tried fighting fire with fire.
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Why was the distracted man fired from his job at the distillery?
Because he couldn't concentrate
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Why the sad face?
asks the bartender. "I got fired."
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Why did the cookie get fired from his job?
He came to work baked.
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What is the hardest part about firing a black man?
Waiting for him to show up.
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Why didn't the bullet have a job?
It got fired.
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Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
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Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?
Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly. "Oh damn, shots fired!" But not by the pizza guy.
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How do you get a fire started?
You burn some fagots Look up the definition before commenting/down voting...
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Why did they fire Victoria?
Was she keeping secrets? What is Victoria's Secret?
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Why did the hipster burn himself?
Because he played with fire before it was cool.
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What did the fireman say when he noticed his hammer was on fire?
This is not a drill.
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What do you call a person who fights fire?
Firefighter.
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How do you fire a Chinese cook?
Ask him to take wok.
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What do you call a white man on fire?
A firecracker!
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What do potheads do when they see a fire?
Stop, drop, and roll
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Why did the janitor get fired from the bank?
Because he cleaned out the vault.
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Why did Tim Cook fire an unpaid intern lately?
His name was Jack
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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out all the w's.
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What did the man say when he sat on a candle?
Fire in the hole!
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Why did the feminist get fired from Subway?
Because she refused to make a sandwich
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What do you call it when you said a redneck on fire?
A firecracker
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What happens when a controlled fire goes out of control?
Someone gets fired.
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Why did the stoneworker get fired?
Because he took his job for granite I'll show myself out.
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How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, mine itches so bad it's on fire, providing plenty of light for everyone in the room!
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Why did Verizon's mailman get fired?
He was losing packets.
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What do you call it when a car full of Mexicans catches fire?
Baked beans
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What do you call a drug factory that catches fire?
A pot roast
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Why do ducks have flat feet?
So they can stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? So they can stamp out flaming ducks.
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How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?
Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof
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What music do they play in a mexican bathroom?
Earth wind and fire
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Why did Rick Astley get fired from his job at the video store?
Because he refused to rent someone a copy of the Pixar flick "Up".
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What do you call a man who's on fire?
Bernie.
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What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months?
A: An Apple turnover.
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What's the worst way to lose your job?
By firing squad.