Fish Jokes
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Why do fish always sing off key?
You can't tuna fish.
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What do you call a fish that likes to cook?
Bobby Fillet
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What kind of fish will help you hear better ?
A herring aid !
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What did the fish say when he accidentally swam into a wall?
Oh dam
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How did the musician catch his fish?
He castanet
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What do you call a fish that is good for your bones?
An orthopedic sturgeon. :D
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What did the fish skeleton say?
Long time, no sea.
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What do you call it when someone shoots a group of fish in a barrel?
A school shooting
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What is Bart Simpsons' favorite kind of fish?
Stealhead!
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Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!
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Where do fishes keep their money?
In river banks
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Why did the water level in the pond rise?
Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.
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What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle?
Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.
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Why are fish only happy inside?
They have in-door fins
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fish
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
LONG) Damn.
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What did one fish say to the other during the race?
I'M GOING TILAPIA!!!
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Why wasn't the fish allowed to play in the band?
Because he couldn't tuna piano!
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What do you call a fish in orbit?
Trouterspace.
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Why couldn't Batman go fishing?
A: Because Robin ate the worms.
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What did Noah tell his son while they were fishing?
Better get this right, I only have 2 worms.
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What do you call a fish with 27 eyes?
Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish
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Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing?
Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.
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What's the most musical part of a fish?
Its scales.
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Why didn't Tim have any friends while he was studying fishing?
Because he would just go home and master bait.
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What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle?
You feed the dogs, and I'll feed the fish."
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What's the downside to dating a Mermaid?
Her clam smells like fish!
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What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?
Swimming trunks
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What do you call a women that catches fish?
Annette
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What part of a fish weighs the most ?
It's scales !
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What do sea monsters have for dinner?
Fish and ships.
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Where does the army keep fish?
In a tank.
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What do you call someone who is good at fishing?
A Master Baiter.
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Why are firetrucks red?
You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always russian around.
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Who Loves Debates?
De fishes
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What do you call it when fish stop having babies?
Minnow-pause
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What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work?
I'll catch you later!
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How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?
You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.
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What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
Damn!
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Why did the fish jump out of the water?
Because he was hooked on worms.
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What makes fish smell?
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."
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What did the black cat say to the fish ?
I've got a bone to pick with you !
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How many ADD's does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go fishing
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What do you call someone who photographs fish?
A school shooter
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What kind of a fish do you always find on a beach?
A dead one...
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Why did the fisherman keep taking off?
Because he was fly fishing.
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What happens to the water level in the aquarium when one of the fish dies?
It rises because the rest of the fishes are crying :'(
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What do you call someone who is really good at fishing?
A master-baiter
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What's a sea serpent's favourite meal?
Fish and ships!
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How do fish make calls?
On a shellphone! My 7 year old self was very proud of coming up with this one....
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Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well?
Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said "Tom is sleeping with the fishes."
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What did the fish have to pay to get past the coral reef?
Atoll.
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Why did the fish cross the ocean?
Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.
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Why did the fisherman want to go fishing in Alaska?
Just for the halibut.
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What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna"fish!
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What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?
Damn"
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What do you call a fish without eyes?
A FSSSSSHHHH
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What do you call a fish that's good at trading favors?
A squid pro quo.
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What do you call a fish out of water?
Asians? Idk it's been a rough day.
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Why didn't the fisherman go to Florida to fish for long jawed fish with rows of razor like teeth?
He didn't have a Gar
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish
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How Do You Start a Flood?
An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?
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What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?
I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH
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What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?
A cuddlefish! (corny I know)
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How does Chuck Norris go fishing?
You, you and you. Get out."
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Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
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Where are most fish found ?
Between the head and the tail !
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How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?
Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
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What is the point of owning a fish?
They are just furniture with the ability to die.
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What did the Spanish musician say when he went fishing?
Castanets!
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What do you call a fish without any eyes?
Boneless chicken
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What do you get when you cross a fish with no eyes?
PETA
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How many fish did it take to consume my wife?
None. There are no fish under my new gazebo
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How does a fish always know how much they weigh?
Because they have their own scales!
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What do you call a fish who went to medical school?
A sTurgeon
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What do fish in Jamaica smoke ?
Sea-Weed. I'll show myself the door.
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How did one goldfish get the attention of another goldfish?
He yelled, "A u, fish!"
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
Disabled.
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What did the oyster say to the fish who stole it's shell?
Stop being shellfish!" *drops microphone, walks away*
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How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish. I got this from bash.org a long time ago, but I can't find the original post, so have this
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What fish is made of only two sodium ions?
2 Na :D
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What is a pirates favourite part of a fish?
The aye
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What stresses fish out the most?
Current events.
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What did fish A say to fish B?
Wasabi?
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What do you call a fish that can't sing?
An out-of-tuna!
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What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it at you.
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What do you call a man who excels at fishing?
A master baiter
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What were Jesus' final words?
So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam.
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How do fish go into business ?
The start on a small scale !
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Why can't a fish be a radio host?
Because if he goes on air, he'll die.
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What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish! (works better when you're drunk)
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What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
One smells like fish and has a mustache, and the other is a walrus.
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Why did Bill Gates &?
Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, "Go fish".
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Where did Noah park his fish?
The carp-ark.
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What kind of fish has two knees?
A tunee fish.
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What kind of fish loves to fix instruments?
A tuna.
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Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep?
Krillex.
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What fish only swims at night ?
A starfish !
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How many abstract artists does it to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish!
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What do you call a fish with diarrhea?
A Pooper Grouper!!!!!
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Whats the difference between a fish and a mountain goat?
Fish muck about in fountains
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What kind of fish is made of just two atoms?
2 Na
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Where do fish wash ?
In a river basin !
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Where does a fish keep his life savings?
In a riverbank :D
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What's the difference between reddit and a fish?
fish are cool
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.
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What do you call a fish in a hurry?
Salman Rushdie.
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What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?
He called the piano tuna!
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What do you call a fish that's on its way to somewhere?
Salmon en route
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What do you call a fish that stands out?
Out of plaice.
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Where does an 800 pound gorilla sleep?
With the fishes.
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Why don't hipsters like fishing?
It's too mainstream.
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What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?
Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)
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How long should you microwave fish for?
Tuna half minutes.
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What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?
Swimming trunks!
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What sort of dance do fish do at parties ?
The conga !
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Why do you have to take more than one Baptist with you when you go fishing?
Because if you just take one, he'll drink all your beer.
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Why do some fish always look high?
Because of all the seaweed.
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What did the fish say to the man draining its aquarium?
WATER YOU DOING
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What'd the fish say when he ran into a wall?
Dam!
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How long did it take the fish to go to the store?
salmon or eight minutes.
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Why do fish have such bad manners?
It's because of all the crude oil they keep ingesting.
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Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?
If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.
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What does a fisherman say when he catches a fish?
His catch-phrase. Short n' Sweet, hope you like it!
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Why do little girls put fishes down their pants?
So the can smell like big girls!
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What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano?
Oh, you guessed it right ... the tuna fish!
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What type of fish needs to be tuned?
Tune a fish
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What is a sea monster's favorite meal?
Fish and Ships
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What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?
They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
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What do you call the fisherman that's always handling the pole while fishing?
The Master Baiter.
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What do you call a fish who works for the government?
An Official.
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What fish is the most valuable?
A goldfish.
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What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!
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What do fish smoke?
Seewead
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Why did the fish fall off it's bike?
It's a fish.
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What do you call a fish that performs brain surgeries?
A neurosturgeon
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What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish?
Long time no sea.
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When fish play football who is the captain ?
The team's kipper !
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What did a disappointed Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he fished up a Salmon?
IT'S NOT A TUNA!!!"
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What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
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How many abstract artists does it to screw in a lightbulb?
A: A fish!
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What's the russian royalty's favorite type of fish?
Czar-dines!
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What will santa bring your fish this christmas?
A scale letrix!
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What kind of fish is made from two sodium atoms?
A 2na
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What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?
The cast-a-net.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Dinner
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How do you tune a fish?
With its scales!
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What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left?
You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes."
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What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms?
2 Na!
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What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can't tuna fish!
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What is the most expensive type of fish?
A goldfish! I am not sorry.
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What fish do road-menders use ?
Pneumatic krill !
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What's the difference between a flatfish and a good woman?
The fish doesn't know it's plaice.
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What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam.
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What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?
A Perch!
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What happened to the girl who went fishing with a group of men?
She returned home with a red snapper.
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What sort of net is useless for catching fish ?
A football net !
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What do call a fish with a Phd?
A brain sturgeon.
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What do you call a fish with no eye's?
a fsh
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Why are fish so educated?
Because a lot of them are in schools.
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What's the difference between a fish and an elephant?
OC) You really can't tell the difference between a fish and an elephant
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How do we know that Apes are like fish after a rainstorm?
They'll both bite at anything!
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What TV game show do fish like best?
Name that tuna!
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What kind of fish is funny, beautiful and a good role model for young women?
Tuna Fey.
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What's the difference between a Palestinian woman and a Mackerel?
One is greasy with big eyes. The other's a fish.
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Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !
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Why are they called Tuna Fish?
Because they don't swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nahhh.
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Why are fish always on drugs?
They just keep getting hooked.
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Why did the fish swim off of the waterfall?
For the Halibut.
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What kind of fish does Google have in their lobby?
bettas
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Which fish can perform operations ?
A Sturgeon !
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What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?
Do you know how to drive this thing "
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What fish is best to have in a boat?
A Sailfish.
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Why aren't fish good tennis players?
They don't like getting close to the net!
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What kind of fish is made out of two sodium atoms?
Tuna (2Na).
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What kind of bar do fish go to?
A sand bar.
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Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
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Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?
Answer: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
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What has got 8 legs and 1 eye?
2 chairs and a half of a fish.
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What happened to the fish?
Me: It drowned. 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.
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How do you confuse a fish?
You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!
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Why are there so many fish in the sea?
They're always getting hooked up
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Why are fish cleverer than humans?
Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
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What kind of fish can you find in a hospital?
A sturgeon.
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How do the fish get to school ?
By octobus !
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Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing?
Because they're Master Baiters.
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What kind of fish is made of only two sodium molecules?
2 na
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Why should you bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing?
Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.
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What did Jesus' disciples say when he caught all those fishes?
HOLY MACKAREL!
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Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
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Why did the fish not get accepted into college?
His grades were below sea level
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What do fish do when they are angry with each other?
They coral
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What's the difference... ...between a piano, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish "What about the glue " I knew you'd get stuck on that.
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What's the difference between fishing and dating?
In one you don't want to jerk the hook, but in the other you don't want to hook the jerk.
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What are you fishing for sonny?
Boy: I'm not fishing I'm drowning worms.
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What does a fish say when he hits concrete?
Dam! A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.
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What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?
Cod dam
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What fish sounds like a telephone?
Herring herring...herring herring...herring herring.
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What did the fish say for stinking up the sushi restaurant?
I am saury.
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Why did the blonde tie magnets to her fishing pole?
She was fishing for Steelhead Trout
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Why did the fisherman decide to go fishing?
For the halibut.
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Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
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What do fish do when they have cancer?
Nemotherapy
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What fish goes up the river at 100mph ?
A motor pike !
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How do fish get high?
Seaweed
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What is a sea monster's favorite dish?
A: Fish and ships.
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What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A harenet.
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Why was the fish processing factory built beside the computer factory?
So that they could make fish and chips.
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What do you call a fish with three eyes?
fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Two very unhappy animals.
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Why do elephants jump across rivers?
So they won't step on the fish.
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What do you call a German grocery store that carries everything but fish?
Not Sea Food.
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What is something that can breakdance on the floor only once on their life?
A fish
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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire?
A scarfish
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What is the most important thing for a hungry shark?
A-fish-in-sea.
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What do you call a fish that operates on brains?
A brain sturgeon.
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How many ADD's does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go fishing
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What do you call a fish that takes a selfie?
Selfish
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What advice would you give to a fish?
Stay in school and keep up with current affairs.
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Which fish is the redneck's favorite?
A Bearcooter
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What do you call a fish without an eye?
A Fsh
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Which fish go to heaven when they die ?
Angelfish !
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What did one fish ask the other?
So how do you drive this thing
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What did the sea monster have for dinner?
Fish and ships.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
Fish !
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Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
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Why did the man go fishing?
Just for the halibut.
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What do fish call a submarine?
Unidentified Floating Object
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What can I get ya?
And in a very raspy voice the fish says, "WATER"
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Why men like to fishing so much?
They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a fish?
Lightbulb.
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What kind of fish is the worst friend?
The Sel-Fish
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How do fish lose weight?
They Swim-fast.
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How is a fish like a bicycle?
Neither one knows how to whistle!
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What does a Frog use to fish with?
A TAD POLE.
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Why do fish always have c-sections?
Because they can't have land sections
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Where did the fish go when it needed an operation?
To the sturgeon
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Why do fish swim in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
A. You can't tuna fish.
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Why are fish no good at tennis?
They don't like to get too close to the net!
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How many surrealist does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish
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What's worse than a fish in the SS?
in. Man, I did that coming.
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Why is the ocean blue?
Because all the fish in there goes "bloo bloo bloo"
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How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off.
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What do fish talk about at work?
Current events
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How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
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What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
DAM! (airplane stewardess told me and had me on ground laughing)
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Why did the hipster never catch a fish?
Because he didn't go in the mainstream
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How do you weight a fish?
With a scale.
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What do you call a fish that's worth a lot of money?
A goldfish!
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What keeps fish from flying of Niagara Falls?
They don't have a pilots license.
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What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?
Pick up lines
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Why is fishing dangerous?
Sometimes, there's a catch
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What do you call fish that taste two times as salty?
2Na
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Why didn't Ronald McDonald like to go fishing?
Because every time he did, he'd catch a whopper.
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Why did the mafia boss get banned from the aquarium?
He was sleeping with the fishes.