Fix Jokes

  • How did the vegetable farmer fix his flat tire on his truck?

    with asparagus...

  • Why do you make more money?

    A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

  • How do you fix the dishwasher?

    Smack her.

  • What kind of fish loves to fix instruments?

    A tuna.

  • Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?

    Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

  • Why did the welder put on a scuba tank?

    Someone's got to fix this sub.

  • How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

    None, it is a hardware issue!

  • How long does it take a tweaker to go shopping?

    An hour 5 minutes for the Ramen noodles and foil. 55 minutes to fix the squeaky shopping cart wheel.

  • How many IT guys does it take to Fix a printer?

    Three, one suggests to check if it is plug in, another recommends to reboot the printer, and finally one to check to see if the printer had paper and laugh about how easy the solution was.

  • What does the cabbage merchant use to fix his cabbages?

    A cabbage patch! - Sokka

  • What do you need to fix it?

    Asparagus. (A spare, I guess)

  • Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed?

    Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.

  • How many people with OCD does it take to fix a lightbulb?

    Only one, but they have to turn it on and off 50 times before they're sure it's fixed.

  • Why wasn't there a Captain America movie tie in videogame?

    Because every time one bug was fixed, 2 more appeared.

  • What's the best way to fix a horse race?


  • How are cancer and pregnancy similar?

    They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.

  • How does a white lady fix a flat tire?

    She buys a new car.

  • What do accidental pregnancies and locked cars both have in common?

    Both can be fixed with a coathanger.

  • How do you fix a deaf car?

    With an engin*eer.*

  • Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars?

    Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic.

  • Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?

    He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.

  • What happened to German Orphans after WW2?

    Did they ever get back on the Reich track (I saw the post in /r/history earlier and was disappointed to find it was a serious question. I fixed it.)

  • How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?

    You use a pumpkin patch.

  • Why did the man get dumber after he fixed the potholes in the road?

    Because he re-tarred it.

  • How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?

    none, its a hardware issue.

  • What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing?

    Sardar 2: Don't worry, I have one more.

  • What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden?

    Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'

  • How do I get out this stain?

    Fire. How do you fix a car Fire. How do you break up with someone FIRE!

  • When I fix someone's computer and they say "Wow how'd you do that?

    I tell them I'm a wizard then throw glitter in their face.

  • How do you fix a woman's watch?

    Why should you There's a clock on the oven.

  • How does Bill Gates fix a broken lightbulb?

    He buys a new house.

  • What's up, girl?

    Do you like bad boys kicks rug or good guys fixes rug

  • What's the difference between a bad mechanic and a politician?

    With the mechanic, there's a shot something might get fixed...

  • What do you call something that only 9 or 11 can fix?

    An untenable situation

  • How do you fix a broken website?

    With stick e-tape.

  • How many suh dudes does it take to fix a light bulb?

    It's already lit fam

  • How many SJW's does it take to fix a lightbulb?

    100. 100 who complain about the lightbulb oppressing them, and 1 man to actually do it.

  • How do you fix a womans watch?

    You dont. There is a clock on the oven.

  • Why do the Avengers keep calling Spiderman over to fix their computer?

    Because they heard he's a web developer

  • What kind of turns do letters take?

    U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

  • Why are ugly guys better with computers then women?

    Turning off a computer often fixes the problem.

  • How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?

    With a pumpkin patch!

  • How many republicans does it take to fix a problem?

    No one knows. It's never happened.

  • How do we fix boxing?

    We can't. It's already fixed.

  • What does getting pregnant and locking your car keys in your car have in common?

    They can both be fixed with a coat hanger.

  • Who's cheese is on those chips?

    Fixed And I said, "Well, obviously *na-chos*." Get it It sounds like '*not yours*' with an accent.

  • What did the group of young deer do with the broken jukebox ?

    They fixed it because their the fawns

  • What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn?

    Beep repaired...

  • How much Squidwards does it take to fix a lightbulb?

    zero, because none of them knows how to

  • How will an IT guy fix a lamp?

    He'll restart the nuclear power plant

  • Whatya doin?

    Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST

  • How do you fix a Jack O Latern?

    With a pumpkin patch!

  • Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with?

    Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.

  • What's does America and programming have in common?

    When you fix one problem, 38 more problems pop up.

  • How many fugitives does it take to fix a light bulb?


  • Why can't horses fix merry go rounds?

    They'd be terrified

  • Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window?

    He read that it was an invisible solid.

  • Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

    Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

  • How do you fix a monkey?

    With a Monkey Wrench!

  • How do you fix a broken Tuba?

    Tuba glue.

  • What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen?

    Time to get it fixed.

  • Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts?

    Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.

  • How do you fix a broken pizza?

    Use tomato paste.

  • What's the one thing a mechanic can't fix?


  • How was the roman empire cut in half?

    With a pair of caesars

  • What did Thor say to the weaver fixing his cape?

    What are your Hemsworth?

  • Who do you call when you need a dock fixed?

    A docktor.

  • How many Mexicans does it take to fix a light bulb?


  • How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?

    fixed) 100. 1 to change it and 99 to stand around and complain about how they coulda done a better job.

  • How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?

    Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

  • How do you fix a broken pizza?

    With tomato paste.

  • How does a woman fix a ceiling problem?

    She complains to a man.

  • Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?

    Fixed* deleted

  • How many 1980s R &?

    B divas does it take to fix a broken lightbulb? Just one, but they fix the crack by torchlight

  • How do you fix a broken chimp?

    A: With a monkeywrench.

  • How do you fix a car in India?

    Get Atul to do it.

  • How do you fix a broken gorilla?

    With a monkey wrench.

  • How did Pedro fix his car?

    With Espana.

  • What does FIAT stand for?

    Fix It Again Tony

  • Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

    He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

  • How did the pirate fix the hole in his pants?

    He used an eyepatch