Foot Jokes

  • How many square feet are in the average NYC apartment?

    Zero. Feet are feet shaped.

  • What is the difference between pick and choose?

    To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.

  • What's the riddle?

    What has a foot but no legs?

  • What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses?

    Two pirates.

  • What does it sound like to shoot yourself in the foot twice?

    Pao! Pao!

  • What's the difference between a camera and a foot?

    A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

  • Why did the leper crash his car?

    He left his foot on the accelerator.

  • What do you call someone who can't think on their feet?

    A paraplegic

  • What do you call a three-footed aardvark?

    A yardvark!

  • Why do frogs have webbed feet ?

    To stamp out forest fires !

  • How do you measure a snake?

    In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

  • Why is my hand 11 inches long?

    Because if it were any longer it would be a foot!

  • What's six feet tall , silver and stands at the end of kids beds?

    Gary Glitters boots.

  • What's the definition of the perfect woman?

    Four feet tall, fold back teeth, flat head so you can rest your beer on it, and turns into a pizza at midnight.

  • What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet?

    A Scotland Yard.

  • What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

    Ow, mitosis!

  • Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long?

    They're over two feet

  • What type of board will you be riding?

    Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards

  • What's the difference between an introverted scientist and an extroverted scientist?

    An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet.

  • What do you call it when a Mexican digs their feet under the sand?

    Bury-toes. Hah hah

  • What do flies wear on their feet?

    A: Shoos.

  • Why did the foot smile?

    He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.

  • What does a pirate call three feet?

    A YAAAARRRRGGGG!! Oh look a door.

  • Why do black people have white hands and feet?

    Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.

  • What's a foot long, is as hard as wood, and is slippery?

    A wooden slipper

  • Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

    Because then it'd be a foot!

  • What do you call a ghost without any feet?

    A lost sole

  • How do you get a dead turtle to flip itself back over on its feet?

    You take the letter F out of way.

  • What has three feet but no legs?

    A yardstick.

  • How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?

    You take your foot off the top of their head.

  • Why are spiders good swimmers ?

    They have webbed feet !

  • What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?

    A choice" is a decision you make. "To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.

  • What does a owl say when it stumps it foot?


  • What are the two things?

    Girl: Your feet.

  • Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair?

    Because if they had pulled them by their feet they would have filled up with mud

  • Why did the leper fail his driving test?

    He left his foot on the clutch.

  • What does the Jolly Green Giant have on his feet?


  • What do you call a five foot psychic that escapes from jail?

    A small medium at large.

  • Why do giraffes have long necks?

    Because their feet stink.

  • Why isn't my hand 12 inches?

    Because then it would be a foot

  • Why don't bears wear socks?

    They have bear feet

  • How can a cat walk with no feet?

    He can't, it's impawsible.

  • Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?

    Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!

  • When do elephants have eight feet?

    When there are two of them.

  • Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?

    Because deep down they're really nice people.

  • Is there a hole in your shoe?

    No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?

  • Why you ask?

    If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot

  • How do you save a Republican from drowning?

    Take your foot off of their head.

  • What has webbed feet and fangs?

    Count Quackula.

  • Why did (do?

    cavemen drag their women by the hair if the dragged them by their feet they'd fill up with mud.

  • What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot?


  • Why did the ghoul knit herself three socks?

    A: Because she grew another foot.

  • How many feet are in a yard?

    4 if you have a dog.

  • Why does an elephant have four feet?

    Because he'd look pretty silly with four inches.

  • Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

    They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

  • Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair and not the feet?

    Because if they drug them by the feet the would have filled with dirt.

  • Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?

    He wanted to have webbed feet.

  • Why do you fight using only your feet?

    Oh, y'know. For kicks.

  • Why don't you stamp e-mails?

    Because your foot would go right through the computer screen!

  • Why do Democrats push for more gun control?

    Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.

  • What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall ?

    A good jumpurr !

  • Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard?

    They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.

  • How do you pick out the extroverted engineer?

    He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks

  • What is the difference between a podiatrist and Ginger Baker?

    A podiatrist bucks up your feet.

  • How did Godzilla get the job opportunity?

    Some say he had a foot in the door... and the window... and the wall.

  • Why did the clown wear loud socks?

    A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.

  • Why is the biggest nose only 11 inches?

    Because if it was 12 inches it would be a foot!

  • What do you call five tomatoes?

    A tom-a-FOOT! In Europe, they call it a tom-a-METER.

  • What do sneezes wear on their feet?

    A: Ahhh-shoes.

  • Why do ducks have webbed feet?

    To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.

  • What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?


  • When does a bed grow longer?

    A: At night, because two feet are added to it.

  • What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air?

    A dead centipede.

  • Why are feet so funny?

    Because they're "heel areas" ... I'll show myself out

  • What do you get when you cross a foot with cookware?


  • What did Jarod from subway get on his first night in jail?

    A foot long

  • What kind of bug bites only at your feet?


  • Why is this?

    B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

  • What do you call an English teacher five feet tall covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?


  • How many letters can you wear on your feet?

    10 E's

  • What fetish does winners hate the most?

    The feet

  • What do you call a Chinese man with one foot?

    Taiwon Shou.

  • How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson?

    it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.

  • Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair?

    A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.

  • Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

    Because they lactose.

  • How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer?

    They look at your feet instead of theirs.

  • When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?

    To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."

  • Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

    Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

  • Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

    Cause its feet smell.

  • What kind of nuts go on your feet?


  • What did the boots say to the cowboy?

    You ride -- I'll go on foot.

  • How do Australians sleep?

    With their heads at the foot of the bed.

  • Why do black's have white skin on the bottom of their feet and the palm of their hands?

    Everyone needs a little bit of good inside them.

  • What do Child predators use to get dry skin off of their feet?

    A Pedofile

  • What do you call a man with no feet and is allergic to milk?

    Lack-toes intolerant

  • Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?

    On their feet!

  • Why does a cow have hooves but not feet?

    Cause they lactose.

  • Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face?

    Because they're always footing the bill.

  • What do you get when you foot falls asleep?


  • What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?

    A dead centipede.

  • What do cells say when their sister shoots their foot?


  • Why does Daenerys take so long to get places?

    She keeps her feet.

  • Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?

    Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !

  • What does natalia portman have on the ends of her feet?

    her natalie

  • What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

    What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? An introverted engineer looks at his feet when he talks to you. An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you!

  • What's wrong with that?

    You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

  • How do you tell the difference between an introvert or extrovert software engineer?

    The extrovert looks at your feet when talking.

  • Why do we measure snakes in inches?

    Because they don't have any feet!

  • Whats the difference between a duck?

    One foots both the same!

  • Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?

    Because then it would be a foot..

  • Why cant people with no feet drink milk?

    Because they are lack toes intolorent.

  • Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?

    Cause if you dragged them by the feet, they'd fill up with dirt.

  • What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his foot?


  • What do you call it when Darth Vader moves one foot?

    The Imperial March

  • What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?

    Nails in their hands and feet

  • What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?

    Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".

  • What's squawky, worn out, and falls from foot easily?

    An old shoe... ...and Ronda Rousey

  • What's six feet tall, black and screaming?

    Stevie Wonder, answering the Iron.

  • What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?

    All dressed up, with no place to go.

  • What did the Florida boy have on his feet?


  • What's the difference between "choice" and "choose?

    Choice" is your ability to make decisions, "choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.

  • What do you call a man who has lost the lower parts of his legs, but still somehow has his feet?


  • What does a baker wear on his feet?


  • How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet?

    By crawling to the counter " GET OUT

  • Why did the short guy lose the basketball game?

    Because he four feet.

  • What did the sister cell say to her sister cell when she stepped on her foot?

    Ow Mytosis! Credits to Amanda Damiani

  • What's the difference between a podiatrist and a drummer?

    The podiatrist bucks up your feet.

  • What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

    Forty feet of track - all straight!

  • What body part never seems to win?

    The feet.

  • How tall is Luke Skywalker?

    Six foot force :)

  • Why do ducks have webbed feet ?

    To stamp out forest fires !

  • Why are pirates funny?

    Because they Arrrr (Yes I know its cheesier than my feet)

  • What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?

    It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.

  • What do feet and fairytales have in common?

    They're both leg ends.

  • Why are you crying Ted ?

    asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

  • How does the author of harry potter descend a mountain?

    On foot, how else? JK Rowling

  • What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?


  • What do you call it when you drop an apple on the ground?

    A fruit by the foot

  • What do you say to a molecular biologist who's about to step foot into the ring?

    Show him what you're made of!