Foot Jokes
-
How many square feet are in the average NYC apartment?
Zero. Feet are feet shaped.
-
What is the difference between pick and choose?
To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.
-
What's the riddle?
What has a foot but no legs?
-
What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses?
Two pirates.
-
What does it sound like to shoot yourself in the foot twice?
Pao! Pao!
-
What's the difference between a camera and a foot?
A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)
-
Why did the leper crash his car?
He left his foot on the accelerator.
-
What do you call someone who can't think on their feet?
A paraplegic
-
What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark!
-
Why do frogs have webbed feet ?
To stamp out forest fires !
-
How do you measure a snake?
In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
-
Why is my hand 11 inches long?
Because if it were any longer it would be a foot!
-
What's six feet tall , silver and stands at the end of kids beds?
Gary Glitters boots.
-
What's the definition of the perfect woman?
Four feet tall, fold back teeth, flat head so you can rest your beer on it, and turns into a pizza at midnight.
-
What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet?
A Scotland Yard.
-
What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?
Ow, mitosis!
-
Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long?
They're over two feet
-
What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards
-
What's the difference between an introverted scientist and an extroverted scientist?
An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet.
-
What do you call it when a Mexican digs their feet under the sand?
Bury-toes. Hah hah
-
What do flies wear on their feet?
A: Shoos.
-
Why did the foot smile?
He was toe very happy. Jesus that is awful.
-
What does a pirate call three feet?
A YAAAARRRRGGGG!! Oh look a door.
-
Why do black people have white hands and feet?
Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.
-
What's a foot long, is as hard as wood, and is slippery?
A wooden slipper
-
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
-
What do you call a ghost without any feet?
A lost sole
-
How do you get a dead turtle to flip itself back over on its feet?
You take the letter F out of way.
-
What has three feet but no legs?
A yardstick.
-
How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
You take your foot off the top of their head.
-
Why are spiders good swimmers ?
They have webbed feet !
-
What's the difference between "a choice" and " to choose?
A choice" is a decision you make. "To choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
-
What does a owl say when it stumps it foot?
OOOOOWWWWLLLL....
-
What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
-
Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair?
Because if they had pulled them by their feet they would have filled up with mud
-
Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.
-
What does the Jolly Green Giant have on his feet?
Pota-TOES!
-
What do you call a five foot psychic that escapes from jail?
A small medium at large.
-
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet stink.
-
Why isn't my hand 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
-
Why don't bears wear socks?
They have bear feet
-
How can a cat walk with no feet?
He can't, it's impawsible.
-
Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?
Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck!
-
When do elephants have eight feet?
When there are two of them.
-
Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?
Because deep down they're really nice people.
-
Is there a hole in your shoe?
No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?
-
Why you ask?
If it was any longer it wouldn't be a foot
-
How do you save a Republican from drowning?
Take your foot off of their head.
-
What has webbed feet and fangs?
Count Quackula.
-
Why did (do?
cavemen drag their women by the hair if the dragged them by their feet they'd fill up with mud.
-
What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot?
Normal
-
Why did the ghoul knit herself three socks?
A: Because she grew another foot.
-
How many feet are in a yard?
4 if you have a dog.
-
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because he'd look pretty silly with four inches.
-
Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?
They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.
-
Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair and not the feet?
Because if they drug them by the feet the would have filled with dirt.
-
Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?
He wanted to have webbed feet.
-
Why do you fight using only your feet?
Oh, y'know. For kicks.
-
Why don't you stamp e-mails?
Because your foot would go right through the computer screen!
-
Why do Democrats push for more gun control?
Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.
-
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall ?
A good jumpurr !
-
Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard?
They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.
-
How do you pick out the extroverted engineer?
He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks
-
What is the difference between a podiatrist and Ginger Baker?
A podiatrist bucks up your feet.
-
How did Godzilla get the job opportunity?
Some say he had a foot in the door... and the window... and the wall.
-
Why did the clown wear loud socks?
A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
-
Why is the biggest nose only 11 inches?
Because if it was 12 inches it would be a foot!
-
What do you call five tomatoes?
A tom-a-FOOT! In Europe, they call it a tom-a-METER.
-
What do sneezes wear on their feet?
A: Ahhh-shoes.
-
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
-
What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?
Unbereavable.
-
When does a bed grow longer?
A: At night, because two feet are added to it.
-
What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
-
Why are feet so funny?
Because they're "heel areas" ... I'll show myself out
-
What do you get when you cross a foot with cookware?
Potato!
-
What did Jarod from subway get on his first night in jail?
A foot long
-
What kind of bug bites only at your feet?
Mosqui-toes
-
Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
-
What do you call an English teacher five feet tall covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?
Sir!
-
How many letters can you wear on your feet?
10 E's
-
What fetish does winners hate the most?
The feet
-
What do you call a Chinese man with one foot?
Taiwon Shou.
-
How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson?
it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.
-
Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair?
A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.
-
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
-
How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer?
They look at your feet instead of theirs.
-
When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?
To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."
-
Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?
Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.
-
Why does a giraffe have a long neck?
Cause its feet smell.
-
What kind of nuts go on your feet?
Cashews.
-
What did the boots say to the cowboy?
You ride -- I'll go on foot.
-
How do Australians sleep?
With their heads at the foot of the bed.
-
Why do black's have white skin on the bottom of their feet and the palm of their hands?
Everyone needs a little bit of good inside them.
-
What do Child predators use to get dry skin off of their feet?
A Pedofile
-
What do you call a man with no feet and is allergic to milk?
Lack-toes intolerant
-
Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?
On their feet!
-
Why does a cow have hooves but not feet?
Cause they lactose.
-
Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face?
Because they're always footing the bill.
-
What do you get when you foot falls asleep?
Coma-toes.
-
What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
-
What do cells say when their sister shoots their foot?
Mitosis
-
Why does Daenerys take so long to get places?
She keeps her feet.
-
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
-
What does natalia portman have on the ends of her feet?
her natalie
-
What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?
What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? An introverted engineer looks at his feet when he talks to you. An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you!
-
What's wrong with that?
You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!
-
How do you tell the difference between an introvert or extrovert software engineer?
The extrovert looks at your feet when talking.
-
Why do we measure snakes in inches?
Because they don't have any feet!
-
Whats the difference between a duck?
One foots both the same!
-
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot..
-
Why cant people with no feet drink milk?
Because they are lack toes intolorent.
-
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
Cause if you dragged them by the feet, they'd fill up with dirt.
-
What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his foot?
Mitosis.
-
What do you call it when Darth Vader moves one foot?
The Imperial March
-
What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?
Nails in their hands and feet
-
What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?
Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".
-
What's squawky, worn out, and falls from foot easily?
An old shoe... ...and Ronda Rousey
-
What's six feet tall, black and screaming?
Stevie Wonder, answering the Iron.
-
What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?
All dressed up, with no place to go.
-
What did the Florida boy have on his feet?
Crocs
-
What's the difference between "choice" and "choose?
Choice" is your ability to make decisions, "choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.
-
What do you call a man who has lost the lower parts of his legs, but still somehow has his feet?
Tony.
-
What does a baker wear on his feet?
Loafers.
-
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don't have feet?
By crawling to the counter " GET OUT
-
Why did the short guy lose the basketball game?
Because he four feet.
-
What did the sister cell say to her sister cell when she stepped on her foot?
Ow Mytosis! Credits to Amanda Damiani
-
What's the difference between a podiatrist and a drummer?
The podiatrist bucks up your feet.
-
What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Forty feet of track - all straight!
-
What body part never seems to win?
The feet.
-
How tall is Luke Skywalker?
Six foot force :)
-
Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
To stamp out forest fires !
-
Why are pirates funny?
Because they Arrrr (Yes I know its cheesier than my feet)
-
What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?
It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.
-
What do feet and fairytales have in common?
They're both leg ends.
-
Why are you crying Ted ?
asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'
-
How does the author of harry potter descend a mountain?
On foot, how else? JK Rowling
-
What did Jesus say when they un-nailed his hands from the cross?
THE FEET, THE FEET, THE FEET!!!
-
What do you call it when you drop an apple on the ground?
A fruit by the foot
-
What do you say to a molecular biologist who's about to step foot into the ring?
Show him what you're made of!