Friend Jokes

  • What do you call a child with no friends?

    A target

  • What's the easiest way to end a friendship?

    Just asking for a friend

  • What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

    He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

  • What did the snail say when his friend lost his car?

    Where did Es-car-go.

  • Why was the clownfish sad?

    Because its friends were anemones.

  • Why did the mushroom have so many friends?

    He was a fungi.

  • What two friends belonging to two different alien species call each other?

    Brothers from Another Mothership.

  • Why did the painter from Boston have trouble making friends?

    He was way too autistic for his own good.

  • What do you call ice cream that robs a bank?

    Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.

  • Why did the pancake cross the road?

    His friends egged him on

  • How do you get high underwater?

    seaweed! lol my friends 12 yr old daughter told us this one

  • What's sad about three black guys driving over a cliff in a Cadillac?

    They were my friends :(

  • Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset?

    He had no arms. Sorry that joke was stupid, let me try again. Knock Knock "Whose there?" Not Billy

  • How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

    How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

  • What do you call a dog with a lot of friends?


  • Who is the prettiest of my friends?

    Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

  • Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?

    Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.

  • What's the difference between friends and potatoes?

    Potatoes don't scream when you peel their skin and toss them in boiling water.

  • Why did one friend not get any?

    He didn't get his fair share: one over eight.

  • What does a guy with no friends be for Halloween?


  • What do all my friends and my dad have in common?

    i didnt have either growing up

  • What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?

    Long time no sea.

  • Why is ur wife shouting at you?

    Friend: she told me to upload her photo in FB, I uploaded in OLX... Mistakes do happen

  • What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?

    There's not mushroom in here

  • What did she say about me?

    Friend: She said you ask too many questions Me: She said that Too many questions Really Me ...What else

  • Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation?

    Because they cant wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.

  • Why are me and my friends so nosey?

    Because we're pry mates.

  • Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?

    A: Because he's married.

  • What language do pirates speak?

    Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times.

  • What's worse than 9/11?

    311 Credit goes to my friend Max.

  • How does a skeleton call her friends?

    On a telebone.

  • Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend?

    It's not like they had to be there...

  • What is wrong with me?

    Asking for a friend..

  • What happened when the host of Dirty Jobs said hello to a friend that was fairly far away?


  • What do you call your friend Splee at a soiree?


  • How do you know your friend has been at the gym?

    Don't worry, he'll tell you.

  • Why is Dr. Frankenstein never lonely?

    He's good at making friends.

  • Which internet search engine does Chandler from Friends use?

    Google, like everybody does.

  • What's your best racist joke?

    I was just looking for some good racially insensitive jokes for my friends. Gimme your worst, Reddit.

  • Why was the lobster upset?

    Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!

  • How many plug-in air fresheners does it take to mask the decay of human flesh?

    I'm asking for for a friend.

  • Why didn't Tim have any friends while he was studying fishing?

    Because he would just go home and master bait.

  • What did the chicken say ?

    What did they chicken say to his friends after being sent to the hospital after failing to cross the road ?. Don't worry ill get over it.

  • What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

    I'm just asking for a friend)

  • Why isn't anyone afraid of China?

    Because everyone knows General Tsao's chicken. Heard from a friend today. :)

  • What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends?

    A Rastapartying

  • What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted?

    One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)

  • What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends?

    The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.

  • What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him?


  • What's the worst part about admitting to your friends and family you play PokemanGo?

    Having to admit you have autism :,P

  • Why did my friend get a screw in her pizza?

    She is allergic to nuts.

  • What the difference between a Mexican and a bench?

    The bench can support a family my first post here, a friend told me this joke.

  • Why was the candle mad at his friend?

    He blew him off.

  • When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?

    Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.

  • What's your favorite pirate joke?

    Friend has an eyepatch on for some reason or another and I'm running out of decent jokes.

  • What did the couch surfing, yoga junkie say when his friend asked him to leave?


  • Why are Panda's always sad?

    Because all their friends are dead.

  • What does Chris Brown tell his friends when he sees Rihanna at a party?

    I hit that.

  • Why did the Crab not share any plankton with his friends?

    Because he was shellfish.

  • Which kind?

    Friend: "Motivational."

  • Why cant Ray Charles see his friends?

    Because he's Blind Married

  • Why was the new Mexican sad?

    He was out of meth. Why was the old Mexican sad All his friends are dead.

  • What do you call a pirate with no friends?

    Ginger Beard

  • How can you tell if someone is schizophrenic?

    I'll let my friend answer that one:

  • What's the worst thing for a cannibal to say to a friend?

    Your family has impeccable taste.

  • What is the best Vitamin for friendship?

    B1. Because no one wants to be friends with a guy in a metabolic coma due to a thiamine deficiency.

  • What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?


  • Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

    and I have few friends in real life.

  • When is a dog not a dog?

    When it is pure bread. Told to me by a friend.

  • Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?

    A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.

  • What's green and says "hey I'm a frog"?

    A talking frog! Stolen from "Friends" still hilarious.

  • Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

    Because he was married

  • Where does a cow go to watch a film?

    The mooovies. pls tell to friends.

  • What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?

    Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"

  • What's your costume?

    Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.

  • How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?


  • Who Wants to be a Millionaire Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend?

    Host: What's your friend's name Me: Wikipedia.

  • What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends?

    A homie missile.

  • What's the difference between herpes and friends?

    I don't have any friends.

  • Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear?

    It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

  • What do you call a piece of pasta that doesn't have any friends?


  • Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

    A squadratic formula, if you will.

  • What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he and his friends decided to dress up as famous composers for Halloween?

    I'll be Bach

  • Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?

    Because they're stupid" said her friend.

  • Why do the homies call their friend Paragraph?

    Because he's too short to be an essay

  • What do you do after you but a new oven?

    Invite all of your friends over and have an oven warming party.

  • What do you call it when a bunch of deer have an intervention for one of their friends?

    Change for a buck.

  • What does an egg say when he gets turnt?

    Om lit cred: my friend DaMexicanBurrito from playstation.

  • Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend?

    Because Sharon is Karen.

  • How to scare parents?

    Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

  • What shoes are hard to wear?

    Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

  • How do you know when a white girl recently visited her friends grave?

    There's Starbucks next to the headstone.

  • What does an amoeba call its friend?

    Cell mate.

  • Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook?

    Because he only had followers. Not friends.

  • What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?

    Let us prey.

  • What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party?

    I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.

  • What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow?

    He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.

  • What's the difference between a French Knight and my friend with a genie?

    One's a Paladin, and the other's my pal Alladin

  • What do you call an eskimo with no friends?

    An iglooser

  • How much credibility is there in that whole "you can punch yourself handsome" theory?

    Asking for a friend.

  • Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

    He was told not to play with his food.

  • What's it called when you borrow cheese from a friend?

    taking out a provoloan

  • What do you rate Megan Fox out of 10?

    Friend: 9 Me: 9? I'll give her one..

  • What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend?

    Dino what you're thinking."

  • Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends?

    Because Paracetamol on fire.

  • What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?

    I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.

  • Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

    Because he was married.

  • How do old people check up to see how their friends are doing?

    They look in the obituary

  • What would you do if you won the lottery?

    Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public

  • How do you know if your friend has an iPhone?

    They tell you.

  • Why doesn't Saran Wrap have any friends?

    Because it sticks to itself.

  • Why did u jump off that bridge?

    My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u " Yes. I literally just said that

  • What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?

    Hearing AIDS.

  • How do gingers make friends?

    No seriously, im getting lonely.

  • What do women call men under 6 inches?


  • What's life like with alchohol?

    Depressing. What's life like without alchohol? Depressing. I need friends.

  • Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

    Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

  • How do you know your friends are pleased with your Facebook post?

    They like it!

  • Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

    Because he's married.

  • Why don't you people see how racist Pokemon Go is?

    All of my friends are now talking about how they have to catch Amal.

  • Why did Dr Facilier cross the road?

    He had friends on the other side.

  • Who's there ! Arnold ! Arnold who ?

    Arnold friend of yours is a friend of mine !

  • What do you call a 2nd grader with no friends?

    A Sandyhook so sorry.

  • Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

    The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

  • What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?

    A Sandy Hook survivor

  • What's the best way to make friends?

    tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."

  • What does a horny frog say?

    Rubbit. Stole this from a friend.

  • What are some good fruit jokes?

    My friend is doing a video project for school and needs fruit jokes.

  • What would the name on the cat's bowl be?

    It would be 'Bowl' and all of your friends would leave you because you are an idiot and named your cat Bowl.

  • Why does tigger have no friends?

    Because he plays with pooh.

  • What do you call a Muslim who is also a pilot?

    Greg if you're a friend, Gregory if you were introduced, Mr. Abdalla if you're doing business with one another.

  • What does a 1337 pirate call his friends?


  • How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

    If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"

  • Why don't you play with your friends?

    he asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'

  • What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother ?

    A brother, because you can choose your friends.

  • How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

    A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

  • Why was the cake lonely?

    Because he was deserted by his friends

  • Which trees have the most friends?

    The poplar ones.

  • Why did the cyclops close his school?

    Because he only had one pupil! The joke is that I have no friends

  • Why couldn't the Dali Lama go out and play with his friends?

    Because he was grounded.

  • What is a Redditors favorite animal?

    A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.

  • What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

    I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

  • How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?

    Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on... " "I don't even OWN a TV!"

  • How does a witch make scrambled eggs?

    She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

  • Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

    Because they'll always let friends access their private members. Ba dum tiss.

  • What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?

    Hard cheese.

  • Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

    Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!

  • What do you call the family members of the Force?

    Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.

  • What do you call a girl who friend zones you?


  • What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson?

    Etude, Brute?"

  • Why does Dracula have no friends?

    Because he's a pain in the neck.

  • What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini?

    You don't let your friends borrow your Lamborghini.

  • What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down?


  • Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...?

    Because he's married. (I'll see myself out).

  • Why couldn't the two testes be friends?

    Because of the vas deferens.

  • Why didn't Princess Diana have very many friends on Xbox Live?

    All she does is stay on the dashboard.

  • What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?

    So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year ,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.

  • What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend?

    When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

  • How did the turtle call his friends?

    on his shellphone

  • How does a potato keep up with it's friends?

    With Google chromosome+

  • What do you call a mythical milkshake?

    Legendairy (credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)

  • What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?

    Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.

  • Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr?

    Because it has cis-trust issues

  • What did the ventriloquist say to their friend?

    Nothing. He's mute. I don't even think he's as ventriloquist.

  • What's next - people marrying dogs?

    nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend

  • What's your funniest yet least known joke?

    I have a friend that absolutely loves cheesy, question and answer jokes and I wanna make a card with a list of them! The problem is that she knows just about every joke known to man so I challenge you to give me hilarious, short jokes that aren't very widely known. Make me laugh!

  • What My Friend Said Once They Discovered The Existence of Gravitational Waves?

    Friend: Good, now they will make microwaves that cook my chicken fingers faster. Say what now

  • What do you call a shark with no friends?

    A lone shark

  • How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends?

    Meet Patty"

  • What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?

    Four whore and seven beers ago....

  • Who is always your friend at school?

    Your princi-pal.

  • What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend?


  • What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?


  • Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

    You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

  • What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream?

    Are you surebert?

  • What did the seamen say to his friend?

    It was a long road, but I ended up coming out a head.

  • Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

    When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.

  • What does Sherlock call his friends?

    His Holmies

  • Why did the trout go to med school?

    Mounting pressure from his friends and family

  • Where're you going?

    Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...

  • Who's your friend who likes to play?


  • Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

    It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

  • Why do trees have so many friends?

    They branch out

  • Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?

    Neither. I have a friend who works in computers.

  • What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend?

    He lost it.

  • What do you like to do in your free time?

    Guy: I spy on people. Girl: Really I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends. Guy: I know.

  • What's the worst thing to say to a friend you see on a plane?

    Hi Jack!

  • Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend?

    Because...bros before hose!

  • What did the stuttering Mexican say to his friend when he tried to steal his food?

    These are nacho-nachos.

  • Why can't a guy see his friends?

    Because he's married.

  • What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?


  • What do you call your friend thats a detective?

    Your Sherlock Homie

  • What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday?

    No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.

  • What's it like to have a social life?

    Asking for a friend.

  • What'd Gandhi say when his friend told him to leave the protest?

    Na 'ma ste

  • What do WNBA players make?

    Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

  • What do you NEVER call a black man?

    a friend

  • Why are dolphins all friends with each other?

    They just click you know

  • What's the problem?

    Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me petting a bee: You're not strange are you Alan

  • How many of our friends do you see?

    Just Juan.

  • What's the worst part about getting AIDS?

    Having to tell your friend his kids should get tested.

  • Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone?

    Because the barracuda believed that "anemone of my enemy is a friend."

  • How does a witch make scrambled eggs ?

    She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright ! 'Owl be seeing you later.'

  • How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?

    Me: *names two of them*

  • What do black people with Down's Syndrome call their friends?

    Their Chromies

  • What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

    You did that on porpoise

  • Why does the mushroom have a lot of friends?

    He's a fungi

  • Why did the kiddie pool have no friends?

    Because it was too shallow.

  • What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

    PEEr pressure!

  • What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?

    Watson the menu

  • What are short men called?


  • Why couldn't Billy the Jet go flying with his friends?

    Because he was grounded.

  • What can I bring to your party?

    Friend: A six pack. does 10 crunches cancels

  • What did Jay Z say when his friend died?

    No Biggie.

  • What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

    Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

  • What did 'b' say to his friend 'e' after 'e' saved his life?

    AY E! I O U edit: added Y

  • What will it be for you, my friend?

    the vendor asks. "Make me one with everything"

  • When you go to a regular movie, a friend asks you "so how good was the movie?

    When you go to an M.night Shamylan movie a friend asks " So how bad was the plot twist "

  • Where's my money?

    a loan shark "Where are my friends - alone shark

  • Why is a room of 50 doctors safer than a room with 1000 doctors?

    You can't survive in 1000 degrees. *credit to my friend Neriah.

  • Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

    Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

  • What kind of music does an inspired Latin fish listen to?

    Carp E.D.M. Credit to my friend for this one.

  • Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

    Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!

  • What's a good movie?

    Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about " Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

  • What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple ?

    Worm your way out of that one !

  • How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic?


  • How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what?


  • What did the poor composer say to his friend?

    I am baroque, can you lend me some money?

  • What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?

    Nah I'ma stay"

  • What's the worst part about 4 black guys driving off a cliff in an escalade?

    They were my friends. :(

  • What did Einstein text to his friend who he'd see tomorrow?

    E=MC U L8R

  • How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

    asking for a friend

  • What do coffee beans say to scare their friends?


  • What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang?

    Gangs don't have to pay for friends.

  • What should I do?

    Me: Court her. Friend: Dude, I don't have any change...

  • What did one hash brownie say to the other?

    We're so baked. What did the stoner say to his friend? I'm so high,I can hear the brownies talking to each other.

  • Why is no one friends with Dracula?

    Cause hes a pain in the neck.

  • What do french fries and friends have in common?

    They both die if you chop them

  • Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

    Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

  • Why does the noble gas always cry?

    Because all his friends Argon.

  • Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?

    He had carpool tunnel

  • Why couldn't Joe be friends with a double-amputee?

    Because he's lack-toes intolerant.

  • Why did my friend throw my computer out the window?

    So A Dell could message me and say Hello from the other side.

  • What is the difference between confident and confidential?

    Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

  • What is he doing now?

    Friend: "Nothing" Me: "But I thought he got the job! " Friend: "Yes he did."

  • What happens when your friend from Prague topples over?

    You right a Czech.

  • What is the president's favorite vegetable?

    BARACK-oli. Courtesy of my friend Abraham.

  • Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?

    Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.

  • Why did the kid run across the freeway?

    To show his friends he had guts. And boy, did he have guts.

  • What was the aardvark's favorite Lady Gaga song?

    Just Ants. Credit: My friend, the PUNisher.

  • What do they call a dog in Iraq?

    A Shia pet. *friend of mine came up with this and was pretty proud of himself

  • Why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock?

    Because it won't even give you the time of day.

  • Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a race?

    A. Because all his friends shout "GO-RILLA!"

  • What does Stevie Wonder call his money?

    Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend

  • What's you experience with "Friends with benefits"?

    The close thing I came to having friends with benefits was .......... convincing my friend to bring food for me daily.

  • When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?

    To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."

  • What did Little Bo Peep say to Woody when she got caught screwing Buzz?

    You got a friend in me.

  • Why doesnt ray charles see his friends ?

    Because he is married .