German Jokes
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What do Germans and acetone have in common?
They are both good at removing the Polish!
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What did the Germans name the Israeli Submarine?
Das Jude
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What's the difference between a Dutch oven and a German one?
The type of gas used.
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. We are efficient and don't like humour.
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What do you call a German jerk?
Deutschebag
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Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?
They call their tailor Herr Dresser
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How do you turn German beer into American Beer?
Drink it
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Where did the frog say his family came from?
They are German and a tad-Polish"
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How many contradictory Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nein.
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What do a WW2 German Soldier and an Animal Doctor have in common?
They're both Veteran-Arians (wah wah)
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Why couldn't the woman date a German man?
Because she was Klaustrophobic!
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Whats so good about german cars?
They get from Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
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Why is the Champs-Elysees lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
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How much does a German weigh?
Teutons.
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What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?
Nigeria.
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How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?
He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
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What's the best way to stop a German train?
them nicely.
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How many Germans does it take to tile a bathroom?
Only one, if you cut him thin enough.
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What do you call it when you're run over by a German?
Hunover.
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What did the german with food allergies say?
Gluten Nacht
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How many germans does it take to change a lightbulp?
One. We are efficient and don't have any humor.
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What do you tell someone from Moscow if he's in a hurry?
Q: What do you tell someone from Moscow who is in a hurry? A: Quit Russian. Q: What do you call a Mexican pessimist? A: A Mexican't Q: What do you call a German who is urinating in an alley? A: A you're a peein'. Q: What does an Asian person have if their leg joints are socially awkward? A: Shy knees. Q: What is a Parisian country cover band's favorite song to play? A: "I've got France in low places."
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How do you say "bra" in german?
CUZITHODZITFOMFOPIN.
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How do you get a German out of the bath?
A: Turn on the water.
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What Nationality was Otzi the Caveman?
He wasn't Italian, because he carried work tools, he wasn't Austrian, since he had some brains, he might have been Swiss, since he was outrun by a glacier, but most probably he was a German, because nobody else ever walks in sandals in the mountains.
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What do you call fake German currency?
Question marks
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What did the cowboy say upon entering the German dealership?
Audi"
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What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?
I'd tap that.
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How many Swiss does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We pay a German to do it.
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How does a german get to the airport?
He heils a taxi!
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What do you call a castrated German?
A Munich
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What do you call a silly, apathetic German boy?
Agoofaloofagus
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Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms?
The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.
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Why don't Germans tell jokes about sausage?
Because they are the wurst.
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What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?
Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.
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What do you call an ill-tempered German?
A sour kraut.
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Why did the German girl count to three, then cry?
Because her boyfriend was going in .
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What did the German Kaiser roll say to the French baguette?
Gluten tag*
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What do you call counterfeited German currency?
A: Question marks.
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What do you call a German think tank?
An answer panzer!
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Who picks up the tab?
The German.
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What did the German Footballer name his pet?
Schweinsteiger.
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Why do a German soldier's hands never get cold?
Because they've gott mit-uns
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What would you find on a German fire truck?
Ladder-hosen
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Why couldn't the Germans make a good vacuum chamber?
There was too much gas in them.
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Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?
Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.
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What does the beginning of the German alphabet start with?
Not Z.
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How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb?
He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.
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Who pays for the drinks?
The German!
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How many elves does a german santa have?
Elf.
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Why are there so many trees along the Champs-lyses?
Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.
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What did the German clock maker say to the clock that would only go "tick tick tick?
Vee have vays of making you tock!
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How do you make a German shepherd?
Put him in a synagogue.
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Why does the German dad scare all the other kids?
Because he is ein Brtiger! The shirt should say it all. And I'm considering getting one.
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What is the difference between Russian Optimist Pessimist and Realist?
An Optimist learns German. A Pessimist learns Chinese. A Realist learns AK-47.
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How many Germans does it take to make a negative?
Nein.
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Why are there so many avenues in Belgium?
Because German soldiers like to march in the shadow.
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How do you say goodbye to German cheese?
Velveetazane
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How do you say virgin in German?
Goodandtight
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Why Are Germans Buried 20 Feet Underground?
Because deep down they're real nice
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What do you call the German word for Vaseline?
Derweinerslider
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What do you call a German singalong?
Follow the lieder!
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How do you call sons of australians and germans?
Men at Work
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Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas?
Because his bread was stollen!!!
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What'd you call a German businessman?
An enterpreNeuer.
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How do you say happiness in German?
Auschwitz
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Why were the German tomatoes drunk?
Because they'd been on the vine.
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What do you call a German grocery store that carries everything but fish?
Not Sea Food.
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What is a German's favorite Pokemon?
NEINtales
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Why don't Germans like humour?
Because it's inefficient!
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Why are germans so bad at marathons?
Because they cant finish a race.
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What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial?
I was just following odors."
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Why does everyone hate German sausage jokes?
Because they're the wurst.
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How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving
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Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
A: Because deep down they are really nice.
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What kind of memes do Germans like?
Danke memes
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What did the German baker say to greet his customers?
Gluten tag!
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What's the name of that German guy that keeps hiding my stuff around the house?
Alzheimer, Grandma.
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What's the difference between a German and a Scot?
The German knows when he's not speaking English.
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What did the critic think of German food?
Their sausages are the wurst.
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What's a German's favorite fruit?
An Auto-Bahnana
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Why does a German always have the last laugh?
He has to wait for the verb.
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What did the German physicist call his beer mug?
Ein stein.
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What do you call an angry German?
a sourkraut
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Why do the Germans use commas in place of decimal points?
Because it makes 6,000,000 seem like a much smaller number.
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What's a german's favourite number?
Nein
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What is the German word for Constipation?
Farfrompoopen.
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What do you call a German physician who specializes in the epidermis of the scalp?
Herr Doctor.
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What's worse than being German on D-Day?
Being single on V-Day.
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What do you call a German who cringes a lot?
Vince
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What do Germans look at on the internet?
Danke memes
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How many of my fellow Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one of course, as we are highly efficient and have absolutely no sense of humour.
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What are Germans most thankful for on the internet?
Danke Memes
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What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage?
Audi
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What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd?
1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation
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What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?
Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!
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How do you say 'The Torah' in German?
Kindling.
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What do you call a rude German?
A Deutsch bag
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Which country has the nicest children?
Germany. German children are kinder.
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How do German bread greet each other?
Gluten tag!
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What does the Personal Computer and German people have in common?
They're both the master race!
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Why did the German cross the road?
To get to the Reich side
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Why don't Germans compete in marathons?
They have a sad history of not finishing off races.
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What do Germans say when you show them a meme?
Danke.
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What did one German baker say to the other?
Glutentag!
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How do you say Vaseline in German?
Vienerslidein
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What do you call a German with no good inside?
Guten free.
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What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?
Can't we just let Argonne's be Argonne's?
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What do they say for jokes about German sausages?
They are the wurst.
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What do Germans call their own EasyMac?
Mein Kraft
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How many German does it take to take down a plane?
One. Because he's very efficient and silent while doing it.
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What is a depressed German with Celiac disease unlikely to have tomorrow?
A Gluten Morgan
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What do a German says when you show him a good meme?
Danke
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How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?
Kinder Surprise
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What's a German Ninja drink beer out of?
A clandestein.
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What does German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer call it when he takes a dump and there is nothing on the toilet paper after wiping?
A clean sheet.
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Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out?
Because they took Pita on them
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How do you say no in German?
Square root of 81
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Why German Loves Americans why do Germans love Americans?
because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
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Why does Paris have tree lined streets?
Because the German army likes to march in the shade.
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How do you make German potato pancakes?
Cook them in the microwave
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What do you call a german that does the exact opposite of what he says to do?
A hypokrout.
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What do you call a group of blind German kids?
Not-sees
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Why so the French line their streets with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade
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What do you call a German taking a shower?
A Showerkraut.
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How do you make a German cry?
Show them their gas bill
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What has 16 legs and speaks german?
Dppelspider
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What's green and german?
Snotzis.
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What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward?
OC A receeding Herr line.
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Why are Paris's streets lined with trees?
German soldiers like to march in the shade.
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How do you say constipated in german?
Farhfrumpoopin'.
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Why are the streets of France lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
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What's the German guy say when you kick him in teh crotch?
Oof, weinerpain!
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What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase?
Audi *tips hat*
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What's the German super hero called?
Ale-Man
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Whats the German version of silent night?
Kristall nacht
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How do you say car troubles in German?
Mein Karmph
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What time do Germans leave their dentist appointments?
2:39
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Why there are so many avenues in France?
Because german soldiers like to march in the shade
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What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles?
Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.
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What did the German small intestine say when you asked him if he would go to the party?
Vill i
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Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?
A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.
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What do you call it when a group of Germans give you money online?
Kraut funding
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What did the German say when the Spaniard asked him for some cheese?
Mi Kase es su Kase.
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Who took care of German army dogs after the war?
Veteran Aryans
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What causes German Earthquakes?
Teutonic Plates. I'm sorry I'll find my own way out
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Why did the horse fail German?
Because he could only say, "neighn!"
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How do you say "whoops" in German?
World War 2
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What did the German clock maker say to the broken clock?
Ve haff vays of making you tock!
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Why are Holocaust jokes never clean?
Because they're full of Germans.
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Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
The Germans like shade
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What happened to the German man's luggage?
It was Lufthansa plane
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Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?
Old habits die hard
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Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?
It means nothing to them.
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Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?
Ve haff vays of meking you tock."
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How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Nein!
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What's in Heaven and Hell?
In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians
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How german are you on a scale on 1-10?
Do you even have a permit for this survey?!
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What's the difference between a German and a Virgin?
one one appreciates good head
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How many kids does a sterile German have?
Nein.
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Why don't Germans play games with new players?
Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.
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What do you call a German who is up themselves?
A deutsche-bag
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What do you call a German rice cake?
A reich cake
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Why are the streets in Paris lined with trees?
So the German soldiers can march in shade.
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What would Germans call a painfully offensive joke?
Ouchwitz >say ouch when offended or in pain >Witz is the German word for joke >sounds like auschwitz
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What do you call a nice looking WWII german solider?
A Neo Hotzi
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What's the difference between the Chinese and Germans?
The Chinese rike and the Germans Reich.
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What do you call a German barber?
Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
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How do German women know when they're pregnant?
They're never late...
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Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10 ?
They were trying to keep their german market.
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What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal?
German Shepherd pie.
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What do you call a German living in Canada?
A leder hoser.
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What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time?
Guden Tight
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How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?
First, invade ze kitchen...
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What do you call a german who is afraid of enclosed spaces?
Klaustrophobic
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What do German women's lingerie and Africa have in common?
Ze-bras!
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What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him?
Danke
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Why did the German boy go to Summer camp?
I don't know he did notsay!
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What do you say when German secret police is bugging you?
geSTAHPo!
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What do you call a German guy wearing basketball shoes?
Herr Jordan
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How do you say bra in German?
dashud sthapem from flappen
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How does a German call an Irishman?
Komm, Sean!
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Why should you never drink German beer with Chinese food?
An hour later you're hungry for power.
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How do you greet a German baker?
Gluten Tag
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What happens when a soviet and a german have a child?
I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.
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What do you call a blind german guy?
A not see.
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Why are a German vegetarians pessimists?
Because they always fear the wurst.
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How do Germans tie their shoelaces?
In little knotsies....
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Why are all German cats dead?
They have nein lives.
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How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?
Not too well considering they can't finish a race.
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What is a German's favorite number?
6000000
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
NINE!
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Why is the Champs-lyses lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
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What do you call hiring German engineers to work on your overseas project?
Krautsourcing
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Why was the German woman freaking out?
Because she was late.
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What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?
Neingag.
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What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick?
A: "Ve have vays of making you tock!"
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What do you call a constipated German?
Farfrompoopin.
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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. They are very efficient and don't have much of a sense of humor.
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What does a German say at a Dude Ranch?
AUDI.
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Where do german parents send their ADD kids?
Concentration Camps
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What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese?
A Wurst-Kse Scenario
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What do German kids play on the playground?
Guten tag!
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Why do Germans make such good cars?
To try and make up for the Holocaust.
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Why are there so many trees along the Champs-Elysees?
Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.
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What do you call the german version of Harry Potter?
Heinrich Potter, and the chamber of gas.
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Why did the Germans loose WWII?
They kept Stalin around.
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What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?
Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time a rye-ot
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What do you call a German outkast?
Hey, ja!
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They're efficient and don't have humour.
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What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust?
Easy Bake Ovens
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What does the German President wear?
Leader-hosen.
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How can you tell when a German is joking?
Don't worry, he will inform you after delivery of the punchline has taken place. Just a joke!
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What do you call a German thief?
A Hamburglar.
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How many Germans does to take to screw in a light bulbs?
NEIN, NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN
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How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
One. We're efficient not funny!