God Jokes
-
What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: they're always talking about God.
-
Who was Michael Jackson?
Son: Dad, is God man or a woman? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God black or white? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God good or bad? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God - Michael Jackson?
-
Why doesn't God like pizza?
Because he doesn't exist.
-
How do you know God isn't black?
Because it's not "I is who I is" My brother is 35...
-
Who has more money than God?
His Ex-Wife.
-
Why There is No Readhead in Hell ?
God does not punish twice.
-
What's the mating call of a sorority girl?
O My GOd! I am so drunk.
-
What do you call it when you talk to God?
Praying. Now what do you call it when God talks to you? Schizophrenia, it's called schizophrenia.
-
What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates?
God dogs
-
Why do neurologists think they're God?
Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!
-
Why does Martin Luther King like jam?
Because God bless America
-
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape so Christians can't claim God did it.
-
What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?
Pretzalcoatl
-
Why don't we say Grace?
Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry
-
How does god receive prayers?
knee-mail
-
What did the angel say when he saw God make the element Phosphorus?
It's a match made in Heaven!
-
Why nuns don't wear bras?
God supports everything.
-
What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm?
Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.
-
What kind of car does god drive?
A Christler
-
What did God say after she made Eve?
Practice makes perfect."
-
What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love?
A stupid Cupid!
-
How do we know God is not a woman?
Because the Earth is not a sandwich!
-
What do you call a God unfit for the times at hand?
O Cristor Redundant
-
What, why?
is it my hair Her: no Me: MY LOOKS! Her: no, it's your personality Me: oh thank god
-
How did God make Himself?
I have to remember to start getting high before bedtime.
-
What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?
Eggnog-stic.
-
Why did God invent shopping carts?
To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
-
What's the difference between God and a Welder?
God doesn't think he's a Welder.
-
How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err...
-
What do you call the god of cheese?
Cheesus
-
What's the difference between a statesman and a politician?
A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.
-
What us the difference between white, brown and black people?
The time God took to cook us
-
What did God say when he saw the first black person?
Ooops, I burnt one!
-
Why did God make pubic hair curly?
So we don't poke our eyes out.
-
What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.
-
What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
-
What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice?
Jesus
-
Why is Snow White?
Because it's perfect, just the way God made it.
-
Why wasn't Jesus born in Detroit?
Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
-
What's your opener?
JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
-
What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?
Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.
-
What is the difference between God and my love life?
Some people think God is real.
-
Why couldn't Cain make God love him?
Because he wasn't
-
What do you call an awkward questioner?
I don't KNOW, that's why I **asked** you. God.
-
What console does god use?
Praystation
-
Why did the religious person give up smoking?
Because God hates fags.
-
What song do turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
God save the kin Happy Thanksgiving!
-
What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
-
What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time?
I'm Thor
-
What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?
Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best.
-
How is God just like a regular man?
If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
-
What is it with people who text and drive?
I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.
-
How do you know that God isn't a woman?
Because I'm not a sandwich.
-
Why did god invent patchouli?
So blind people can hate hippies too.
-
What pets think about their owners?
A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.
-
How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars?
Well... If it's any constellation..."
-
What does God do whenever he gets frustrated with Jesus?
He gets out the Bible Belt!
-
What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?
I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
-
Why did religion cross the road?
God is the answer.
-
What do we say to the god of procrastination?
Not today.
-
What instrument does God play?
He plays the cello. As it says in scripture: "Our God is a cellist God."
-
Why would he put that on a resume?
Oh. My. God. You're hired."
-
Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?
Because Jesus saves.
-
What do you get when you cross dancing and an act of god?
Deus Ex Macarena
-
What's that machine for?
Oh, that's the forklift" ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS
-
What do Spanish Muslims call their God?
Ollah!
-
What do you call God in StarWars?
A Skywalker
-
What does God call his nose?
God knows.
-
What do my dad and God have in common?
I've never seen or heard from either of them.
-
What do you call a bone that disrespects God?
A Blasfemur
-
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape so Christians can't claim God did it.
-
Why doesn't God like fruitcake?
Because he doesn't exist.
-
Why does God like Swiss cheese?
It's holey! get it
-
Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?
Because God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark!
-
How did God get Mary pregnant?
He used the holy immaculate contraception
-
Why did God give women legs?
Because he saw the mess that snails left behind!
-
Why did Jimmy get into a horrific car accident?
He let God take the wheel Edit: He let take the wheel
-
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
-
What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?
An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....
-
What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?
God bless America.
-
Why do we have oceans?
Because based god and acid god had a baby.
-
What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.
-
What did God say when he made the first black guy?
Oops I burned one!
-
How to make your God proud?
By abusing his names in other languages.
-
Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-
What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning?
Go Ahead Make My Day"
-
Why can't priests have children?
Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.
-
What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?
An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.
-
Why does Saturn have rings?
God really liked it so he put rings on it.
-
What did the ancient Egyptian cheerleader chant?
THERE IS ONE GOD, HE IS THE SUN GOD! RA! RA! RA!"
-
Why doesn't god like bacon?
Because he isn't real.
-
What did God say to Noah?
Make a backup, I need to re-format this."
-
What makes fish smell?
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."
-
Why are gifts in airports so expensive?
God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
-
Why did God bless Texas?
He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.
-
What's the difference between a doctor and God?
God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.
-
What's the same with 9/11 and Goliath and the giant?
They were both caused by a message from god.
-
What's the difference between God and an electrician?
A: God doesn't think **he's** an electrician.
-
What did Mike Tyson say when asked about the time he fought the God of Asgard?
The loser was 'thore'"
-
What did God say when he made the first black man?
Damn, I burnt one."
-
What did the sun god say in apology for all he had done wrong?
I Apollogize".
-
What did Joan Rivers say to God when she arrived?
Get a new robe!
-
How do you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
-
How do we know that God isn't a woman?
Because we're not all sandwiches
-
Why does God love atheists?
Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.
-
Why was Jesus not Mexican?
No matter how hard God looked, he could not find three wise men or a virgin anywhere in Mexico
-
What did God say to the cheese that sinned?
Gouda Hell.
-
What does the electron say to the resistor?
Ohm my god you're impeding me. *initiate knee slap
-
What's the difference between god and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
-
What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?
Me: oh, um, science.
-
How is God just like every other man?
If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.
-
What did God say when he made the first black person?
Damn, I burnt one...
-
How do we know God likes condoms?
Because Adam was ribbed for Eve's pleasure
-
What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny God: Just a second.
-
Why did God make farts smell?
So that deaf people could enjoy them too.
-
How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?
I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "
-
Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?
Because Satan has more politicians to help him.
-
Why is God depressed?
Imagine...*You* Being God, the Lord, Him... But imagine us.
-
Why did you make women so beautiful?
God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb " God:"So she would love you."
-
Why did god invent whiskey?
x-post /r/drunkjokes) So the Irish would never rule the world
-
Why was Jesus not born in Australia?
Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.
-
What do you think about the coming battle General?
God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.
-
What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high
-
Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome?
God doesn't punish anyone twice.
-
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.
-
What is the difference between God and a police officer?
God doesn't think he's a police officer.
-
Why does everything taste like chicken?
Because God is black.
-
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
-
What is the difference between someone who worships God & someone who worships the sun?
The sun exists.
-
Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!! XD
-
What Is The Best Sub Reddit To See Once Watching "Gods Of Egypt?
r/EyeBleach.
-
Why did God invent women?
You think he's gonna wash the dishes
-
What did the Roman say when the Greek accused him of stealing his gods?
It was all a myth-take!
-
Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top
-
What do you call it when an eclipse occurs?
When God forgets to pay the electricity bill.
-
What's the atheist's view on God?
Nahweh.
-
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.
-
Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?
She was taking god's name in vein.
-
What do you say when God sneezes?
Go bless yourself.
-
Why did God put the ring on Saturn?
Because he liked it.
-
What did God say to Jesus?
This lawn ain't gonna mow itself.
-
What does God smell like?
Me: 4-year-old: Me: Nachos. 4-year-old: With cheese
-
What does a Muslim have if they hate their god?
An Allahgy
-
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.
-
Who would won in a wrestling match?
Lemmy or God? Trick question, lemmy is god... R.I.P. Edit* win not won damnit...
-
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
-
How is marriage and CPR training the same?
You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
-
How can you tell God is a man?
If God was a woman sperm would taste like chocolate
-
Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
-
How do we know God isn't black?
Because then he would've said "I is who I is"
-
Why did God make women last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do
-
What'd you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
-
What did God say to Mary after impregnating her?
Praise the Load
-
What is the difference between Kanye West and God?
God doesn't think that He's Kanye.
-
What did I do before Twitter?
Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY ! !