Ground Jokes
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How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.
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What do you call a pink slip served inside a bag of coffee?
Grounds for termination.
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How does a blind skydiver know the ground is near?
A: The leash goes slack.
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How do you stop a baby from walking in circles?
Pin its other hand to the ground.
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Why was the blonde crawling on the ground in the shop?
She was trying to find the lowest prices
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Why do dogs bury bones in the ground ?
Because you can't bury them in trees !
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What do you call a pink slip served in a coffee bag?
Grounds for termination!
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What do your mother and the ground have in common?
They are always full of seed.
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Why did the tree keep getting grounded?
Because it was s knotty pine!
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What's the difference between an Electrician and someone who's high?
The electrician knows where the ground is.
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Why couldn't the Dali Lama go out and play with his friends?
Because he was grounded.
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Why was the bicycle laying on the ground?
Because it was two-tired
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How do you get a kid to stay low to the ground?
DUCK!" How do you get a kid up and running "GOOSE!"
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What is the hardest part about sky diving?
The ground.
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What do you call the grounds of a university that specializes in teaching neuroscience to hippopotamuses?
Hippocampus!
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What is something that cannot lift off the ground?
Your career
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What are Starbucks two shipping options?
Ground and federal expresso
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What's the hardest part of skydiving?
The ground!
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What did the poles do during world war two?
They held the telephone wires off the ground.
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What did one socket say to the other?
Stay grounded.
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What's the hardest thing about skydiving?
The Ground
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Why does the hipster make crappy coffee?
The beans are always under-ground.
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How do Chinese name their kids?
They throw silverware on the ground!
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How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who gives a cluck (I wonder if the moderators will censor this joke merely on the grounds that it is categorically terrible )
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When do you ground an astronaut?
When they're astronauty.
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How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?
The rest of your life.
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What did the three holes in the ground say?
Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.
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Where does biggest potato grow?
Under the ground.
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How did the blind skydiver know he was about to hit the ground?
He felt the slack in his dog's leash.
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Why does the Pope kiss the ground when he gets off his plane?
You would too if you had to fly Alitalia.
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What does Bill Gates call it when someone drops a $20 bill on the ground?
Littering.
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Why do old people prefer to live in one story houses?
There close to the ground.
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Why don't we run through the parking lot?
me laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me Because it's dangerous
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How long does it take to reach the ground from 100 stories up?
The rest of your life.
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What do you say when Kim Kardashian burns to the ground?
Look at all that ash...
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What's it called when a huge hole opens up in the ground in the middle of Spring?
Sinkhole de Mayo
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How do you stop a lawyer from drownng?
Shoot him before he hits the ground
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What do you do when a box kotex catches on fire?
throw it on the ground and tampon it.
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How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer?
Grounding
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Why can't the plane fly?
Because it's grounded.
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What abs?
Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."
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Who hits the ground first?
Better question would be: Why were they in the tree in the first place?
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How are electric outlets punished?
They're grounded.
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What did the ground say to the earthquake?
It's your fault!
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Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in the sky!
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What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells?
A dead centipede.
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Why didn't the electron leave it's house?
Because it was grounded.
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Why did the guitarist leave his guitar on the ground?
It didn't have any pickups
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Where was the first discovered potato located?
In the ground.
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What should you do with a burning Kotex?
Throw it on the ground and tamp on it.
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Where do we go when we die?
In the ground.
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Why were there coffe beans at the subway station?
Because they were under-ground.
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What hits the ground first?
The apple because the black man was stopped by a noose.
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Why can't you try someone for grave digging?
Because it was found on the ground.
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Why did the nuke switch course?
Because a girl on the ground said "I have a boyfriend" later that day the nuke fell into depression
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Who reached the ground first?
Noone cares.
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Why is it called an "almond" in the tree but an "amond" when it falls to the ground?
When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it.
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How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground?
I thought Asian women couldn't drive ಠಠ
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Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives?
Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.
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Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?
Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...
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Why do you smell like weed?
Me: How do you know what weed smells like ! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(
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How many vegetables should you pull out of the ground in one day?
None
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Why did the skydiver die before reaching the ground?
Because he reached terminal velocity.
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What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.
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What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair falls to the ground?
spits*
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What did the 3 holes in the ground say?
Well, well, well
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What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans?
That's grounds for divorce!"
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How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?
The feel the leash go slack! (heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)
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What did the wall outlet say to the appliance?
You're grounded."
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What do you call an element found in the ground?
Barium.
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What do you call the spot on the ground just bellow the red keep?
King's Landing
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What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?
The ground!
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What is the real reason leaves fall to the ground?
They know people will blow them.
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How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.
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How much electricity is in the ground?
1 Terrahertz
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Why were the coffee beans upset?
Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure.
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Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket?
Because he was grounded! (I'll see myself out)
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Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock?
Because that would be "grounds" for termination!
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Why couldn't Billy the Jet go flying with his friends?
Because he was grounded.
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What do you call it when you drop an apple on the ground?
A fruit by the foot
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What do you get when you put an egg in the ground?
An eggplant.
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Why did the sailor ground his son?
His grades were below sea level
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What have you been doing" asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?
said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"